Leave Me Alone, Fred Hadayia

I really shouldn’t be in the position to turn people away. I need all the connections I can, so as I might actually find a job that offers real human dignity and a wage slightly above paperboy. It’s hard to feel wanted, desired when I send out so many Goddamn resumes to jobs I am sure I am more than qualified to do. I’ve gotten into the practice of changing my resume every other month or so. I am on so many job sites anymore, I have honestly lost track. Plus, it’s an easy way to feel wanted.

On most sites, if you change your resume in the slightest (I’m talking like insert a comma of change one word) a rush of job offers will flood your inbox. I know I’ve written of this before, but it bears repeating. I don’t know how they do it, but there must be some bot or software on most major job sites that cause this. Without fail, whenever I change my resume, I get all kinds of offers for interviews.

They almost all seem to be for the same general line of work; for some form of insurance company. I have learned through trial and error that I should avoid these types of jobs. I have wasted my time in 2 ‘interviews’ for such outfits. Here’s a job hunting tip; if at an interview, they ask you next to nothing about your previous job history, head for ze hills. I admit to having no real software knowledge, but I imagine these programs some how monitor new resume postings. I am sure they look for keywords. And since every unemployed yahoo generally uses the same ‘power’ words, nearly every resume gets noticed by this insidious software. An email will automatically be triggered to your account. The deal with most of these jobs is they are almost always 100% commission based, something I am uncomfortable with. And a lot of them involve cold calling accounts. Seriously, would you buy insurance for your company from some stranger who just showed up at your door? Very rarely are you offered any kind of salary. Big corps love doing this because it’s less paperwork, and less money for them to spend on such frivolous things as ‘salary’ and ‘benefits’.

Sure, the first few times I changed my resume, I though I was all hot shit because I got a rash of new emails. It wasn’t too soon after that I saw these as spam. And it is here I met Fred.

Now I don’t know Fred, I mean, he might be a helluva guy and all. I do know two things about him. 1) He sure is persistent. Every GD time I change my resume, ol’ Fred sends me another form email. And 2) he must not be organized, because every time I change my GD resume, I get an email from him.

Fred strikes me as that nerdy little kid in school that keeps talking, but no one has a clue what the hell he’s babbling about. Speaking as a perspective employee, I sure can’t be impressed with Fred’s organization. I mean, what does it say when I always get an email from him? It says he’s not very organized. It says he can’t take a fucking clue, because not once have I ever replied to him. Being out of work for so long, I have developed a new talent to read between the lines. So if I have been getting the same from email from good old Fred, what does it say about the job? It says the job must suck. He’s apparently never been able to fill it, and if he did, the new guy must not have stuck around long enough.

Patrol the job ads on the internet enough, and you can develop a sense when a job is bad. I have literally seen the same job advertised by the same company for over 2 years now. That says a lot. It says either the job or the company must suck; maybe both. Using CAPS or 5 exclamation points is a red flag. I have developed a Spidey like sixth sense about such jobs. After I fell for one or two.

So it’s time to call Fred out. I usually try not to use last names here, but since this specific subject is easily searched, let’s just call him out. Yea, I’m talking to you Fred Hadayia, and he works for something called American Income Life (how ironic the acronym is, since he has been ailing me for two plus years now) You keep pestering me, and I don’t appreciate it. There is nothing in my bio that says I would have any proclivity to your job. Maybe my years of ignoring you haven’t proven the point to you yet. In case you don’t semi regularly get Fred’s email, it generally goes a little something like this:

My name is Fred Hadayia; I'm the State Director with American Income in Harrisburg, PA. Our Human Resource Department has viewed your resume on the Internet and I wanted to contact you to let you know we are looking for qualified candidates to help our rapid expansion. We had sent you an earlier email letting you know I would like to set up an interview with you. We are looking for Managers and Sales Associates to help us manage our expansion in central Pennsylvania. This position is for management and outside sales. THERE WILL NEVER BE ANY COLD CALLING OR PROSPECTING, EVER!!!

Please note the CAPS and exclamation points I alluded to earlier. Is Fred secretly an 11 year old girl?

(Anyone that gets the joke with the picture will earn my eternal repsect. That's a .37 value! Post your answer in the comment section below.)

Seriously, Fred Hadayia? You have a human resource department that poured over my resume, and decided I am not only a candidate, but a real deal “qualified” candidate? Well, shiver my timbers and other such antiquated euphemisms! I would hate to see the motards AIL actually rejects. I appreciate that you make some meager acknowledgement of your previous email that I immediately deleted. Maybe that wasn’t a clue, Fred Hadayia? I’m guessing you’re the type that didn’t get a lot of dates in school, am I right? I mean, that’s OK, I didn’t either, but I imagine you as actually worse off than me.

Fred Hadayia of American Income Life, I should also mention, in the interest of fairness, that the company you represent, American Income Life, has been the subject of some ethical debate. By way of reference, Fred Hadayia of American Income Life, I point you and my three other readers to this debate from some five years ago on Rip Off Report. Looks like you’ve got some ‘xplainin’ to do.

Fred Hadayia of American Income Life, I ask you publicly to please stop pestering me. I am not interested in your job, and we are both better served by ending this silly thing now. Best regards to you, Fred Hadayia of American Income Life.

DVD Bonus Material

No lie, as I was writing this and editing this (OK, that's a lie, clearly I don't edit my brilliance) I got yet another email from good ol' Fred. Generally, I am wary of using last names on here (don't tell me you never Googled yourself). I can only hope somehow, Fred stumbles upon this. I really hope unemployed people who get his bullshit will search this out and see what's going on. Consider this my service to the internet.

Alternate Title

I Don't Want You to Want Me, Fred Hadayia

Control Issues

It was time for a change. We had gone on too long this way. It’s kind of a shame. We had been together for so long; we had grown so comfortable together after all this time. Together, we had witnessed some of the best and worst things in life. However, change was in the air. Parting is never easy, especially during the holidays. Over the years, I had known just what buttons to push, and now it was no longer working. I hate to put myself in the callous joke of “trading in for a younger model”, but that is in fact what I did. It still pains me to think of it though….

I got a new remote control for the TV. What were you thinking I was talking about?

The time had come. After countless hours in front of the boob tube searching for the thinnest excuses for entertainment, the ol’ remote was breaking down. Much like my romantic life, my ability to turn the TV on was less and less consistent. The channel up key had stopped working all together. So no more scrolling up to scan channels, I could only scan down. And that’s just the TV remote. I have another one that works the sound system/DVD player. That one doesn’t turn the damn thing off anymore. Somewhere along the line, the battery cover has gotten lost. The one spring that holds the battery in is all beat to hell and only serves to randomly shoot the battery out of the back. I am surprised it still works, and hasn’t caught fire yet. It’s a hassle to work the TV with one remote, and the audio/DVD with another. Sure, the TV remote claimed to have the capability to control the sound system, but that is a lie. A dirty lie.

After a fair amount of research, I finally came across the fabled remote that should control everything. For Hallowmas, I splurged and bought this magical instrument that would only add to my laziness. Aw, the lazy days of controlling my TV, DVD and audio with the flick of a button on one remote. Surely, these will be the days I tell to somebody else’s grandkids.

While I could regale you with the more than 2 freaking hours it took me to program the damn thing, that is not the point of this Klog. Suffice it to say, it wasn’t quite as easy as I thought, though not impossible. Deep down, every guy wants to think he is a whiz when it comes to remote controls; like it’s in our chromosomes. That’s why we always must hold the remote, because we have the penis. We know how to use it better and more efficiently than womenfolk. (I am referring to both the remote and the penis.)

I won’t tell you how the damn thing still won’t turn on my sound/DVD player. After going through all three recommended practices, and the bugger still won’t turn on. The new remote is so advanced, that you can aim the old remote into it, press the function, and the new remote will pick up the signal and make it happen with the new one now. Surely, this is why universities exist. Now get to work on X-ray specs and jetpacks.

The new remote has a pretty cool feature; the ability to program four channels as favorites. So instead of wasting precious milliseconds on pressing 2 buttons, I hit one of these four keys and –BAM-my favorite channel comes up. Wow, science is cool. Now this left me with a dilemma; just what are my favorite 4 channels? How can I narrow channels down to just 4? I did not expect such a dilemma to arise over the holidays.

I have a lot of channels that I would consider ‘good’, it’s just that I don’t watch them all the time. Now this is getting like Facebook; do I like/watch Spike enough to make it one of my favorites? Will ESPN get all pissy? I at least catch a break, since I have like 4 religious channels and 3 that are in Spanish. Ningunos canales religiosos del bullshit para mí

The first thing I do is make USA the ‘A’ favorite. So you’re thinking I must watch a lot of USA, which would be wrong. In fact, I don’t think I watch it much at all. However, USA is also known as NCIS Central. Every time I do turn on USA, it’s freaking NCIS. 2 in the afternoon, 4 in the morning. They should just change their name to UNCISA. NCIS happens to be my wife’s favorite TV show, and when ever I turn on any damn TV in the house, it’s always on USA. Hey man, I know which side my bread is buttered on.

That leaves me with 3 open slots. I pick Discovery because I to tend to watch that a lot. I also pick TLC. I think that in the unlikely event a snooty friend decides to root through my remote, I would at least appear semi-intelligent. (This is the exact reason I don’t have any Britney Spears in my iPod.) Now I’m down to one. I secretly wonder if all the other channels knew of this, and would send me presents to sway my favor.

Do I watch Comedy Central enough? What about MTV and VH1? ESPN 2? Tru TV? Man o man, talk about Sophie’s Choice. No really talk about it, because I never saw the movie.

For the sake of closure-and I know you all must be deathly curious-I decide on Animal Planet. It seems the logical choice. And I’m sure the dog appreciates me keeping his tastes in mind.

That will be the hardest thing to do with programming the new remote. Sure, the sound still doesn’t turn on and off. Don’t even ask me about the damn DVR player. And for some reason, the garage door opens every time I hit the mute button, but I am sure that is just a temporary thing. I feel like I have conquered my kingdom a little more. I am in a bit more control than I was yesterday.