The Dumb And Dumbest Jim Carrey Quote

Sweet Baby Jebus, is this Jim Carrey quote even real? I know our social media feeds are littered with inspirational life quotes we all hear in our head as being read by Morgan Freeman. And I know I’ve written about this type stuff before, but here’s another quote that just got under my skin, and I have exactly 58 minutes before hockey starts, so another quick and dirty post. Here is the quote in question:

Really?

Let’s break this utter cowshit down in parts.

“I hope everybody could get rich and famous…”

"I don't need a bat, plus I rock purple lipstick."

Look, I am not belittling Jim Carrey himself here, per se. He paid his dues honing his comedy chops for years in dingy comedy clubs to earn all his success. I would imagine most of us have been entertained by him at some point: In Living Colour, Ace Ventura, Mask and Kick Ass 2. (I mention KA2 because it’s a great under rated movie. And Night Bitch. Yum. Yea, you heard me, Harley Quinn.)  

He’s worked for everything he has. I believe most of us, in our own ways and our own jobs, work for everything we have. Except most of the bosses I’ve ever worked for, who have been raging assholes. Anyway, when I get the chance, I will always opt for money over fame. Unless Kate Beckinsale is in the room, then I might opt for fame. But until that blessed event occurs outside my whiskey fueled delusions, I will take money every time. Money lasts far longer if you are smart about it. Fame generally comes and a lot of times, goes. I could do a lot of nice things with fame, but I can’t pay my mortgage 15 years later after my 15 minutes of fame runs out. Money I can invest to create more money. Money can make me comfortable the rest of my life. Money can get me a beach house with a gym. Money can allow me to give money to charities and causes I really believe in. Like the Fund To Get Kevolution Theory A Beach House With a Gym, And Maybe A Writing Room. Like, how cool would it be to go to a charity event, and wrap a couple hundred dollar bills inside a few singles, then slip it in the donation box? I am pretty sure Karma would smile down upon me, and oh my God, is that Kate Beckinsale standing right over there?

I have seen every Under World movie, but I can't tell you the plot of any of them.

“…and have everything they ever dreamed of…”

Again, this is all nice sentiment. I don’t know, Jim, I have some pretty whacked dreams, so to hear some celebrity is pulling for me is kind of sweet. Thanks, Jim I dream of owning a helper monkey. I dream of world peace. I dream of clean oceans. I dream of no more auto-tune, how to play the guitar, to own an original arcade game of Mario Bros., an Avalanche Stanley Cup in my lifetime and benching more than half my weight. But, you know, mostly that world peace and clean ocean type stuff.

“…so they will know that its not the answer.”

Even the Answer can tell you the answer is not practice.

Really, Jim, seriously?? Well, then FFFUUCCKKKKK YYOOUUUUU. Please explain how any of the above would not only be the answer for me, but for a lot of other folks? I would never work another day in my life, not worry about a GD thing and also take care of the world around me? I don’t know who you think you are, young man, but this quote is utter bullshit and offensive. I love when all these celebrities-who are already rich and famous-say ignorant nonsense like this. Again, not knocking any celeb at all here-well, at least the ones who struggled, sacrificed and worked for their money and fame-but to the every day ham-and-egger that is busting their ass, this quote is offensive. I am pretty sure the single mom who works three jobs to support her kids would argue with such a statement. I know plenty out of work writers who don’t even have a real job that you could trade places with and see how stupid that quote is.

Quick research seems to indicate this Jim Carrey quote is, in fact, legit. If you haven't been thoroughly entertained by this post, go Google that quote, and read every other idiot's interpretation of it. That's a follow up post for another time. Right now my 58 minutes are up, the game is on and I'm all jazzed up on three chocolate bars. Oh, and this.

"Ahh, Kate, I hate to see you go, but I love to watch you leave."

Resolutions I Am Planning To Break in 2017

(OK, OK so it's already January 2nd, and I am just now getting to a resolutions post? Well, sometimes that's how the cookie crumbles. And if's it's anything like the multitude of Xmas cookies I have been housing, this post will be delicious! Honestly, this was mostly written and in the can a few days before NYE. But I didn't think it was good enough. And then NYE happened, and, well, we all know how that goes. Now that I have fully slept off my hangover, I slapped a fresh coat of paint on, and we're ready to go.)

The obligatory New Years’ 2017 resolutions post. Did you guys even notice I had TWO posts for your Xmas reading pleasure? What better way to get you into the spirit than by hearing some original Xmas tunes and some cool covers? And how many presents did it get me? ZILCH. I think for Xmas next year, I’m going to ask for grateful readers, you heartless goblins. Now a week later, we’re all looking down the barrel of 2017. Everyone’s busy making New Years’ resolutions. In fact, as of this writing, if you Google ‘best 2017 resolutions’, you will only have about 181,000,000 articles that match up. Well, I guess make that 181,000,001. Pour the coffee.

Here’s the thing. I don’t believe in New Years resolutions. I tried to make some last year (and it’s a good thing I reread this, as I was unconsciously using some of the same jokes.) And I’ve pointed out the uselessness of making NY resolutions all together. But yet, like sheep, we continue this inane practice. “Next year, I’m gonna be perfect, GD it!” As my personal friends know, I’m as close to perfect as one can get. But there’s all kinds of news stories and articles and blog posts about making resolutions. We never seem to learn. The resolutions generally never seem to change, and we generally find new ways to tell ourselves we suck. Yay traditions!

I’m sure as this year winds down and celebrities are desperately hiding from the Reaper for the next few days, most of you are busily scribbling down resolutions for yourselves. So I guess to feel at one with the humanoids, I will also try to come up with some of mine. The thought here being that my resolutions are probably far better and more creative than your stupid efforts to “finally run a 5K” or “bring reusable bags to the Piggly Wiggly."

Here are my best resolutions for 2017. And since my main source of income these days is to rescue recyclables from the trash and trade them in for money on scratch off tickets, I am also handicapping the likelihood of my resolutions actually working out on a scale of 1 to 10. If you don’t understand that, then you are also probably reading fake news sites.

Be More Timely With Posts. I know, I know, it's already January 2nd. I'll get better. For example, I am already halfway through my President's Day post.

Chance 7/10

Actually Get A Dollar for Writing This year I thought I had a real gig that would pay me real money. Like, maybe even enough to afford one imported beer at non Happy Hour prices. Newsflash; writers get paid shit, even less so to write on line. I’m going to try to learn about this whole SEO thing, and how to get eyeballs on my own blog, and attempt to write a bit more snarky current event things. I truly do enjoy writing, but the return on investment can suck balls.

Here’s what writing is like. Spend a few hours (and usually more writing, rewriting, editing, adding and captioning pics) when I could be doing other things. Post it, link to it from FB and Twitter, maybe get 40 reads. Barely a comment, barely a like. Yet I will run into people IRL who tell me how much they enjoy my stuff. Why do people throw encouragement around like it a manhole cover?

Yet some dipshit posts yet another lame car selfie, and it gets 80 likes in half a minute. Yup, that nonsense really inspires me. 

"I'mma just gonna take one quick selfie because my hair looks fresh going 60 MPH."

Chance of making even one dollar writing in 2017 1/10

Finally Shred Down to 6 pack abs

Chance 0/10 Next!

Down Six Packs

Chance 149/10

Achieve Enlightenment

Chance 0/10. Put the pipe down, Kev.

Manage to Hurt Myself Less 2016 was a great year for bleeding and bulging discs.

Chance 8/10

Read More Books Since losing my last job, I have had more time to get back to reading. And I’ve been really enjoying it. I find (if the book is good enough) reading can help level me out on a particularly stressful day. It can also serve to inspire me to write. I find myself picking apart the book, trying to figure out the inspiration for a story, or how the author set something up. Also, I heard reading books makes you more smarter.

Chance 7/10

Listen to My Inner Voice

Inner voice” You know what, Kev, you’re pretty awesome as you are.”

Me “You know what? You’re right! Let’s go get pizza.”

Inner voice “Yay pizza!’

Chance 6/10

Realize There's More Than One Voice In My Head Who just said that!?

Chance 8/10

Put the Damn Phone Down I’ll be the first to admit, I’ve been living on my phone too much. Lately, I’ve gotten better at keeping the phone far away, and just trying to be present in the moment; playing with the dog, reading, writing, watching TV. Man, it really pisses me off whenever I watch a hockey game and I see the fans sitting front row, right behind the glass, right behind the team. And they’re all staring at their phones. Life is what happens when you are not staring at your phone, people.

Chance 7/10

Millennials being millennials. 

Avoid Becoming a Celebrity After 2016, really, who dafuq wants to be famous? A list actors, talented musicians, z list reality stars, no one was safe. So unless Drunk Kev gets spotted in a video that goes viral, I’m feeling pretty good about not getting famous in 2017.

Chance 10/10

Only Acknowledge 2017 as 20Kevinteen Admit, that’s kinda catchy, right? Don’t be jealous your name can’t do that, let me have my moment. Or more specifically, my year.

Chance 3/10

Volunteer More I’m talking about doing something nice for the sake of it. I would like to believe that at least Karma exists, that if you put good out, good comes back to you. And even if it doesn’t come back to you, do good anyway. (And no, I’m not gonna get all hippy trippy on you. What you do with your Chakras and chupacabras is up to you.) Volunteering is ridiculously easy to do. Get your head out of your ass, you selfish son of a bitch. There are plenty of people (and animals) who need you.

Chance 7/10

In the time it would take you to walk this dog, I could totally ruin Sarah McLachlan's day.

I'm sure there's more. But I am pretty hellatight. So if I had to say, I would say these are my resolutions for 2017. Feel free to swipe a few for yourself. The world needs more people like me anyway.