The Asshole Hustle

As a point of reference, as I write this, it is just past 4PM on November 22^nd. It is the day before Thanksgiving. AKA, the biggest party night of the year. Might as well get one more good belt in before hanging with the fam for a day or two. And to be honest, I am already on my fourth rum and coke. I guess no one at this Barnes and Noble seems to find it odd. Nor do they find it odd I am clearly drinking in the children’s section. But, as I look around, I see plenty of the other breeders are doing the same thing. We occasionally nod to each other as if to say, “You’re cool here, brother. This is a safe space.” I’m pretty sure I’m not the only one here without actual children, but it does beg the question if the rest of them are pedos. So, what was the point of this blog?

Oh, yea, my new racket..um…hustle, umm  job. Let’s be honest, the evolution of real jobs over the last few years has been pretty wild. In this digital age, we now have professional cuddlers, Instagram picture takers,or sleeping on stranger’s floors. Hell, it seems like it was only a few years ago, our parents were telling us to never get in a stranger’s car. Nowadays, we hop on this mystical little device, and direct strangers to our exact location-often times, our own home-and willingly get in their car and have them drive us somewhere. They know our names and info. Progress?

In that entrepreneurial spirit, I have identified a need that needs filling. (That’s what needs do, they need stuff. That’s why they are a need.) And it’s a need I am particularly skilled in. You need a drunken asshole? I’m your man! Perhaps a few examples:

How many times have you found yourself in this scenario. A buddy says to you, “Hey, you doing anything tonight? Mike is having a party.” Being the pro you are, you ask, “Is DT going to be there?” Now, this DT character is someone we all know. The initials are meaningless, but they are always there. DT is often a male. (In cases when it’s a girl, the initials rule applies, but, also a caveat. The moniker “Crazy” might be applied. For example, Crazy Alanis or Crazy Steph. If you are a guy, dating Crazy is often adventurous.)

Yup, makes sense.

 He often goes by his initials. Sure, DJs are common. You might get other names like JT, JD, HM. Sometimes, more random initials like, J Dub (instead of the many syllabled W), PA. The initials are not as important as the character. DT is the guy who brings the party. DT is the guy you can just meet for a quick bite at Applebee’s on a Tuesday night, then wake up in an Atlantic City hotel room on Thursday. And you live in Wisconsin. DT will often show up dressed fairly nice, but as the night progresses, he loses his sport coat, his shirt becomes untucked and he is wearing glowing beads of some sort. Everyone loves DT. You wouldn’t trust him with a $10 loan, but when everyone gets their party on, everyone becomes best friends with DT. Parties are better with DT. Because he always gets drunker than everyone else. No matter how shit faced you get, DT gets more shit faced. No one remembers you tore the toilet paper holder off the wall of the guest bathroom because DT poured a margarita into the aquarium, then used a straw to drink it out. Ah, crazy ol’ DT being DT.

You’re asking if DT will be there, because that gauges your level of raging. If DT is there, you can safely get shitfaced, because the spotlight will be on DT. So, in a Choose Your Own Adventure style, it would look like this.

Is DT coming? If yes, flip to page 89

Page 89: “Great, I can safely get tuned. No worries.”

Is DT coming? If no, flip to page 91

Page 91:” Cue the fail horn! “Damn it, looks like I’m on Miller Lite all night.”

And, that, my friends is where I come in. If there’s one thing I have experience in, it’s being a drunken asshole. So why not make a living at it? You need more convincing? Man, when did you guys get to be such hardasses? Fine.

Here’s your real-world scenario. You’ve had a long week. Your fantasy team lost. Work was donkey balls. You just want to unwind. There’s a happy hour Friday night. You do your due diligence, and DT won’t be there. You want to get carelessly shitfaced. What’s one to do?

Call me!

Yup, my side hustle-as the kids all call it nowadays-is to be a raging, drunken asshole. A stretch, I know, but please let me elaborate. I will meet you at the event site; bar, country club, office Xmas party, Aunt Gladys’ funeral. Though, please note, the more formal the event, there will be a sliding fee to cover me getting all dressed up. You’re talking to a guy who does his best work in jeans and a t-shirt. Regardless, it will be my job to act like it’s a typical Tuesday afternoon; i.e  get blackout drunk and wake up in shame but hopefully at least my own bed. You can go get as sloshed as you want. I’ll be funneling Jager bombs with all the kids. And while I’m all stumbling around, you’ll be happily, invisibly toasted and no one will ever know because I am swinging off a chandelier wearing someone else’s shoes. Aw, ‘dat crazy KT!

Now, look, you all can realize this is a ROCK SOLID service I offer, and I suspect many of my ne’er-do-well readers will be hitting me up at @ifyouseekev to inquire of my services. But, it doesn’t stop there. No, no, no. This is Kev Theory we’re talking about here. While this is already an invaluable service, I am offering, you should be expecting more from me. And, I gotcha covered.

Maybe because I am now 7 drinks into my evening. Maybe because Evil Kev is starting to come out to play. Maybe because there are now actually kids here in the kid’s section. WTF? But I will offer many different levels of services. Depravity has many bounds.

Let’s be honest. You have your own motives. They may be pure, they may be evil. Frankly, I don’t care. I am an uncaring assassin. I’ve watched enough Jason Statham movies to understand. 

This tastes like steroids. With a dash of HGH. And strawberries!

So, let’s say there is an event you want to get out of. HMU. Is there a wedding on the horizon that might conflict with the prospect of NOT going to a wedding you don’t want to go to? I can make that happen. Invite me to a family gathering beforehand. Tell me who to piss off, and I can do that. Just ask my Uncle Lou. Because he won’t speak to me, but SEE? That’s my point. Screw him for getting married to some trollop the same Saturday as the Preakness. Or was it the Belmont? I don’t remember; I don’t follow horse racing all that closely.

OK, so that may be evil. But I specialize in tough love. Sometimes, the ones you love need to hear a message loud and clear. I gotcha. Let’s say there is a wedding coming up, and you don’t agree with the bride of choice. You hire me. You give me all the facts. (in my biz, we call this a dossier, but no need to bog down the minds of all the commoners) You tell me who to talk to and what to say. You bring me to a family event. Wind up my string (fill me up with liquor, because that gets to the truth a lot quicker than beer) and set me off. “Hey, are you Craig? You’re getting married soon, right? To, uhh, whatsherface? Right, right. Hey, look man, I know I don’t know you, but (defers to script given to me) Hello lost deposits! And hello Jen, the bridesmaid. Also, you get that free weekend off.

Maybe you don’t like your boss. Psyche! Who doesn’t like their boss? What better way to give them a piece of your mind-safely-than by letting me tell him/her off? Invite me to the office golf outing. Tell me what you want this douche bag to hear. Then stand back as I level him/her with your own words! It’s like all those cheesy teen age rom-com movies where the guy in the bushes-who is secretly in love with the girl hanging out the window-tells the guy standing in the open what to say! (OK, I know that’s a roundabout simile, but y’all know what I’m talkin’ ‘bout here.) In the end, I get tossed out, you can claim ignorance, and your boss hears the shit they need to hear. In fact, they may even become a better person! GD, sport, you’re such a good person! Ask for that raise!

Jesus, I need to advertise this better on Craigslist. Maybe buy a sponsored shot on LinkedIn.

I’m not only Next Level, I have all this shit thought out. Through all of this, you rational thinkers should be saying, “But under what guise, Kev Theory? On WHAT GROUNDS? That is a fair question. And if I wasn’t now 12 drinks into my night and wondering how I got into the erotica section of this B&N, I would have addressed this earlier. Again, all my rational thinking readers are now saying, “Well, K Theory, if you were a better writer…”  To which, I intelligently respond…well..um….

Fuck you.

Going back to the hanging question, just how do I get invited to all these events? The answer is simple. The answer is… (skip to the scene of a clock advancing 5 minutes) whatever makes the most sense. Invite me as your friend. I’ll be a coworker. Or an old college buddy.  We used to play hockey together. You a girl? Invite me as your date. You a guy? Invite me as your date. I got both ears pierced, so I can pull off either. That’s dedication! Though truth be told, I’ve skipped through enough Lifetime Xmas movies to know how “pretending” I’m your date usually ends up, so try to keep your walls up against my smoldering hotness. Actually, in all reality, it won’t be that hard.

So there you go. If anyone knows Ashston Kutcher, who likes to invest into ultracool web startups, he can DM me @ifyouseekev. If anyone knows Mila Kunis, then tell her to email me at ifyouseekev@gmail.com. Just because. The rest of you can spread the word or invest.

Happy Thanksgiving! Rates go up in 10 minutes.

DVD Extra

This entire post is based on what I thought was a throwaway FB post that went like this:

Hey guys!

Don’t feel like being the drunken asshole at all your gatherings this holiday weekend? Well, good news! My services are still available! Hire me to come in and be the raging asshole, so all the attention is taken off of you!

PM me for reasonable rates and enjoy yourself this weekend!

References available upon request. Many, many references.

A sincere, heartfelt thanks for all those who liked than and spurred me onto the above post.

Why Can't We Have a War Against Black Friday?

The war on drugs. The war on terror. The war on Xmas. It seems all we do these days is squabble (you’ve watched cable sports networks in the morning and afternoon, right?) and argue. We are so easily divided. Politics, racism, sexism, sports, soda brands, Twilight characters, Sammy vs. Dave, literature, news. And when we’re not arguing, we’re actually going to war. The war on drugs. The war on terror. The war on Xmas. We need to all get on the same page here, kids. And-surprise-we can do that by going to war. The time is now to align forces and finally wage war on one of the most evil events in our lifetime.

 Yes, citizens (of earth!), batten down whatever hatches are, it’s time we go to war against Black Friday.

(Alas, it seems I generally write this same thing every year, but every year, most of you nudniks ignore my advice. So, please pay attention so I can go back to my strong suit of sex, drinking and humor. BTW, “strong suit of sex” is just about any suit I wear, if ya know what I mean.)

Did you know there’s actually a holiday before Xmas? Over the last few years, it’s been a mere speed bump on the way to massive and unnecessary rampant consumerism. It’s like we’ve also lost the point of the holiday of Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving is the day families get together, pretend to like each other and eat like feral pigs. Turns out what we should be celebrating on Tgiving is the day this great country was discovered. Even though there were other people living here. Some think we should no longer celebrate this holiday as it celebrates the day we swindled this country away from the Indians. That’s a blog for another day, there’s only so much angst I can muster up as I write this blog. Ultimately, we should feel no pity as the Indians got their revenge by turning us into problem gamblers. I am sure they already have a holiday commemorating that.

"I'll never win if the damn dealing keeping giving me Uno cards!"

We need to focus our efforts here. Let’s not get caught up in the semantics of “Merry Xmas” vs “Happy Holidays.” We have already moved beyond this being an actual ‘holy season.’ That line was crossed and battle lost years ago. This is no longer about the birth of our/yours/someone else’s lord. This is not the place for our individual religious thoughts. In fact, just about every religion approves this crusade. I checked, I swear.

Yes, this is the time of year every website runs a blog about the war on Xmas. Ho hum and bah humbug. But the bigger, more sinister enemy here is Black Friday. Let’s look at some facts. First of all, it’s about time to admit that BLACK FRIDAY IS NO LONGER A THING!11! Yes, sure, BF used to be a thing; back when Roebuck was still with Sears, Kmart sold smokes and I had dreams of being a professional writer. It just doesn’t exist anymore, despite what all the retailers would have you think. Black Friday is for people who never used Amazon. Or eBay. Or Honey. Or RetailMeNot. Or Groupon. Or a phone that is not hardwired to the wall.

Let’s take a brief trip back in time; before Louis CK, Kevin Spacey and George Takei were the bad guys. Take me back to Black Friday 2016. How much money did you save? Whatever you bought, is it still being used today? Did the $5 Blu Ray ever escape the shrink wrap? Hell. Do you even remember what you bought, let alone if it ever became of any use to anyone?

Look,” you people”

that just HAVE to go shopping on Tgiving night are inconsiderate, raging assholes. Now, I can see you getting all in a hissy fit –you really should turn off the camera in your PC-so let me explain. I’m not gonna present a problem without a solution. BTW, you assholes know you are the “problem” part in this equation, right?

First of all you are blowing off your family. And look, if I have to suffer, we ALL have to suffer. “But Kev, I spend Tgiving with my in-laws. My INLAWS!” Yes, I hear that a lot, and yes, I get your point. But that’s what the Jim Beam is for, and if you play your cards right, you won’t get invited back next year. Or ever. Plus, if you are one of my Southern readers, that one cousin is looking pretty hot.

Literally, the first image that shows up as "hot cousin"

Secondly, because you HAVE to rush out and save $2 on a dozen pair of socks, you are denying someone else of their Tgiving. Newsflash, you fucking ignoramus; those are real, living, feeling people working in the Targets, Best Buys, Walmarts and malls.

Now, stop rolling your eyes about the “level of talent” that works at Walmart. Talk shit all you want. In previous lives, before I got elected for another term-I spent some time with the employees in these stores. And these people are mothers, fathers, uncles, sisters, etc. And all for the corporate empire that you fucktards go fuel, these poor folks have to forgo their family dinner so they can deal with your ignorant ass. If a store opens at 6PM, do you think all the elves just stroll in at 5:55? No, dunderhead, they have to be there hours before, setting things up, moving things around and mentally preparing for The Onslaught of The Ignorant. And at 6PM, the mindless herd floods in. But it doesn’t have to be that way.

What shouldn’t be lost on you is that the people who make these decisions to open stores on Tgiving night, do you know where they are? Do you know what they do? They fucking sit at home with their fucking families. Probably figuring out a way to expense their Tgiving dinner and probably tapping their fingers like Mr. Burns all night.

The sheep, they come to me.

And Friday morning they sleep in while all their poor underlings work a ridiculous amount of hours for Black Weekend. Now, I will be the first to admit I have a heart as black as the night two miles inside a tunnel, but even ME thinks this is highly unfair. But, hey, you need to buy that piece of rapidly declining technology.

Here’s some more pipebombs; did you know just about any store you would choose to patronize on Black Thursday has this thing called a website? And did you know, more times than not, all those shiny BF deals can actually be had on said website? And usually you can get said, shiny deal anytime the week of BF? So you could actually dayload on Wednesday –or Tuesday, no judgement here-and do all your BF shopping online! Look at you being a decent human being! Go ahead and order yourself another Moscow Mule, son, you’ve earned it. Also, early reconnaissance says the Moscow Mule must be losing favor as the trendy drink by the abundance on Moscow Mule gift sets available everywhere.

And hey, if you’re now feeling all good about yourself, if you do have to go shop, how about sleeping in a bit, then supporting local, independent businesses? You have my permission. Also, I should note it is Record Store Day. You have my blessing to go support these fine, fine independent merchants. But if I hear you’re actually buying Xmas music, I will hunt you down and kick you in the balls. Don’t be a dipshit.

If you are not offended by all the Xmas commercials than have been airing since October 10^th, you just are not paying attention. Have you noticed what all these “holiday” commercials are saying? That your Xmas isn’t shit until you open up that last present (the subliminal message being all your other presents are shit) from Best Buy. Or that you haven’t had a good holiday till someone buys you a car. Wha wha what!?!

A car! Fuck you, evil multinational company. If I can spend most of the day sleeping, drinking egg nog and watching A Christmas Story over and over, it’s been a pretty good Yule at the Theory house. (Speaking of ACS, Fox can go fuck itself if they think I’m going to watch their abortion of a version of it.)

Really, that’s what makes Xmas “successful” these days; oodles and oodles of presents? There always has to be one “last” one or one “big” one. This rationale is why America is hated. It’s always more, more, MOAR!1!1 Be like a pig and be happy with the shit you already have. I have a shelf of DVDs I will never watch, a closet full of clothes I will never wear and a bunch of books with big, scary words that I will never read. Why do I need more?

If I wasn’t planning on being shitfaced drunk Tgiving night (Hey, don’t blame me, it’s a Theory family tradition and how we all tolerate ourselves for a few hours) I would go out and interview these nutcases who are waiting outside of stores on Tgiving Day. Here are some of the questions I would ask these brain surgeons:

If you waited outside a Best Buy last Tgiving, what did you wait for?

Random hot Santa girl, because...um...

Can I get a quick hummer in the backseat of my car? (Note; only asked to drunk girls who would still otherwise be attainable)

Where is your self-respect, man?

Does your tent have a bathroom, because you sure smell like shit?

What’s so motherfucking important that you motherfucking have to ruin someone else’s motherfucking Tgiving?

You know this store is generally open 363 other days of the year, right?

What’s more important; a shitty TV for $5 less or your dignity? Wait, stop, I think I already know the answer.

I’m guessing no one in your family is missing you right now.

Can you please tell me where you work? I want to drag your ass in buttcrack early on a holiday, and trash the place. I might be a little bit tipsy, too. But you’re probably cool with that.

I double dog dare you, NO, I triple dog dare you to take some of this money you’re saving and put it in the red bucket over there. Your move, Mr. Christmas.

“Boy, the line for the Asshole Meet Up sure is long today.”

Every piece of technology you’re buying today will most likely be obsolete by next year.

You’re the reason we lost the election.

You are why the terrorists hate us. Yes, YOU! (Shove my finger into their chest.)

You know this Best Buy opened up at 6 AM this morning and sold out all of the doorbusters, right?

Again, please, I beg of you, DO NOT go shopping on Tgiving night. Don’t be a sheep. Make a stand, at least one time in your miserable life. Just because you may have a job where you annually score this weekend off doesn’t entitle you to be an asshole to someone else on a holiday. Sit this one out, spend time with family and friends-at least the ones you can tolerate. But if you still feel the need to drunkenly and recklessly spend your money, please do so at any of the below links. I assure you, it’s easy, the money means a lot more and goes a lot further and it is actually something that is truly in “the spirit of the holidays.”

Alive Inside

Dale Earnhardt Foundation

Rape Abuse & Incest National Network

Community Crisis Services, Inc.

Philadelphia Animal Welfare Society