Jobs I Made Up That I Would Totally Kick Ass At

Lately, I have been reading a lot of articles about “finding your dream job” and “making your work your passion” and “love what you do.” While being unemployed is certainly not the best of things to be these days, it's also kind of exciting in that I can now look at a bunch of options without being tied down; a true blank page. It got me to thinking, what if my “dream job” isn't out there just because it isn't a real job? What's to stop me from fulfilling a need that may not be clearly defined? I can create jobs, damn it!

After much internal soul searching, I have created a list of jobs that don't exist (yet, at least), but I would clearly kick ass at. Now, who's hiring?

Male View Audience Member Assassinator

Now that I go to the gym in the morning and do this thing called “cardio”, I have found myself forced to watch this abortion called The View. When the show opens, the camera pans overt the crowd. The crowd is made up of 90% overly enthusiastic women and 10% men. (and no, I didn't need a

Just shoot me.

calculator to figure that out.) Those poor guys. They are all dressed with a jacket. Over a sweater. Over a collared shirt. They are henpecked, broken men with black, dead eyes. I propose my job be to provide these poor guys with the Sweet Release instead of them living in fear of Whoopi Goldberg venturing out in the audience to eat them.

Rum Taster

Like, “duh?” right? Or as we call it around the house, “Sunday through Saturday morning.” But I would be a pro. Rate different rums on taste, mix-ability, some disgusting beer term called “mouth feel”, drink-ability, euphoric feelings and finally, a little something I like to call “blackout ability.” Rum; it's the quickest way to get to tomorrow.

Handicap Parking Enforcer/Enabler

I can't tell you how many times I have seen this disgusting practice. Car pulls right into a handicapped parking spot, and the driver effortlessly springs out of the car. They may have the HC plate, or they may have the HC tag they hang from the rearview mirror. And, yes, I know the plate/tag might not be for the driver as much as their passenger. Which almost makes it worse if it's a driver stealing a spot for a legit need. Why, just this week, I saw this girl with HC plate swerve right into a HC spot, spring out and go into the store where she works! It almost enrages me enough to hope there really is a heaven just because I want there to be a hell for these fucktards to go to. So, what I propose my job to be is to monitor these spots. If someone with the HC designation parks, and they clearly have no handicap when they emerge, then I am trusted by the State to beat them about the spine until their need for that precious HC spot is warranted.

Registration Snitch

"Why, yes, I Am an Orgasm Donor on the weekends!"

Much like above, when I drive around I see a ton of expired tags, some by over 5 years. How do these clowns get away with it for that long? Are they not getting their car inspected? Or insured? Again, I hate the idea that some people just don't care and they seem to get away with it. My job here is just to drive around and use a dash cam to take pictures of such scoff laws. Kinda like a bounty hunter, just not as cool as, say, Boba Fett.

Female Body Inspector

For as long as I've been going to the shore, I have seen this shirt in all those cheesy boardwalk t-shirt stores. So, that alone tells me this job has longevity. Plus every bro I see wearing one appears ugly and surly, which is also right up my alley. Line forms to the right, ladies.

D + (fence) Confiscator

OK, everyone who is sick of watching an NFL game when the camera flashes to the crowd and sees two chuckleheads holding the D plus “fence” signs, raise your hands. Hmm, that is everyone I see. Good job class, put your hands down and go back to staring at your phones. Like, seriously, this was

kind of creative 40 years ago. Now it just shows a total lack of originality. It would be my task to navigate the crowd to remove these signs, much like the WWE removing CM Punk signs. It would also be within my authority to remove the also just-as-annoying O + “fence” signs. Yes, some of you may argue these signs are the only source of joy for, say, Cleveland and Jacksonville fans. But this also allows some more hands to be freed up to hold $18 beers. NFL revenue would go up dramatically if they hire me.

Boston Creme Pie Evaluator

Actually, this would have to be a part time job.

Smoking Police.

How are people still smoking? Isn't this, like, 2014 or '15 now? Aren't all the risks well known? For the life of me, I don't get people who still smoke. It's not healthy, it costs a ton of money (both in the actual packs of cigs, and also the resultant medical costs) and it smells worse than my dog's farts. I swear, it feels like I am seeing more people smoking these days. I'll be honest here, I smoked for three months when I was a freshman in high school. I never got why it was cool, and stopped so I could concentrate more on my drinking habits.

And don't get me started on these fucking “vapers.” Don't give me that bullshit that it's far healthier than “actually smoking.” What, so you only get like 80% of the cancer? True story; just type 'dangers' into Google and the first thing that comes up is 'dangers of vaping.' God, I hate these self important assholes. Every one of them, with a smug look on their face like, “Look at me, I am such a bad ass, vaping in this bar where you other wise can't smoke. I am a rebel.” No, you're not. You're a fucktard

Ha! Get me now, cancer."

who can't get cancer and die quick enough. I have seen these vapers sucking their cancer dicks in Best Buys. Really? Are you really that fucking addicted that you can't even shop for like 45 minutes without smoking an electronic butt? You come across as starved for attention almost as much as your lungs are starved for clean air. You're fucking pathetic. Also, smokers are the biggest litterbugs on the planet. Don't believe me? Just go to any designated smoking areas, hold your breath, and see how many butts are on the ground.

My job here would be to confiscate their e/cigs and scare them straight via Saw like contraptions. To save them, of course.

Bed Tester

Little known fact about me; in my dreams, I am black.

I know, I know. You're all thinking, “He's really just looking for the laziest job possible.” While I certainly can't argue that point, what I can tell you is that I am uniquely qualified for such a (prone) position. Most of my life I have had some sort of sleep issue. While I have worked to make it better recently, I certainly don't have it figured out. I have tried every nonperscription pill/powder/liquid on the market, I have also tried a bunch of other options. White/nature noise machine, sleep monitors, even memory foam. I tried one of those alarm clock that projects the time in a soft blue light on the ceiling. What kind of torture device is this for insomniacs? “Gee, I can't fall asleep,

so let me just lie here, staring at a big, huge clock to slowly watch the night go by?”

Fucking 5:37

And forget it whenever I have to sleep in a hotel. All of marginal help.

So who better than me to try new beds, foams, TempurPedics, hammocks, cots, futons, etc?

Fantasy Football Team Name Originator

My knack for coming up with witty and offensive team names is far better than my knack at winning actual Championships. You'd be surprised how many times I've worked the word 'vagina' into team names. Go Vagina State!