Why It's OK To Hate Xmas

Guys, we need to talk. Like, seriously. There seems to be this sentiment out there that we all have to love Xmas. ” It’s the most wonderful time of the year,” the song goes. Every commercial shows happy families greedily tearing open present after present. Meanwhile, there are starving kids in some Third World country wearing Atlanta Falcons Super Bowl Champions t-shirts. Yay holidays!

We spend hours and hours shopping in stores and in the few remaining malls. We waste our precious online time not on FailArmy videos, but shopping for even more shit for people we barely know. The driving, the weather, the people. And this is fun?

Literally, the first image that comes up for "I hate Xmas.'

Look, it’s time we take a stand. It’s OK to hate Xmas. In fact, I am pretty sure it’s in the Bible somewhere. Right after that story about the guy who built the boat and carefully wrangled exactly one male and female of every possible animal. So let’s break this shit down.

All The Xmas TV Movies Suck. I don’t wanna hear another one of you skirts ragging on Saw or movies starring the Rock as “being all the same.” If you can’t see the many layers of the Jigsaw character, you are stone stupid. That is just a fact, and science backs me up here. Yet it’s ok to hunker down on the couch in sweats any my hoodie, eating cookie dough and watching Lifetime and Hallmark channels all weekend. All those movies have the same damn plot. Some broad comes to some small town and saves Xmas.  Every damn time. Look, if you’re gonna watch this tripe at least do this. 

I might even watch with you. Especially if the girl in the movie is hot. Which happens quite often; just sayin’, fellas.

"This is the hand I jack off to you with."
"OK, ga-ross."

Last year, I forced myself to sit down and actually watch one of these Lifetime Xmas movies.

There Are People Who Think Die Hard Is Not a Xmas Movie. These people are to be avoided. For some, it doesn’t feel like the holiday season starts till they see Santa at the Macy’s parade. For people like me, the holidays don’t start till Hans Gruber is plummeting from Nakatomi Plaza. (SPOLIER ALERT! Oh, wait, I should have said that sooner? Screw that, the movie is like 40 years old.)

"But I still have Bed Bath & Beyond coupons! They're 20 per centtttttttt"

Your Family Always Has That One Weird Aunt or Uncle. What’s that you say? Your family doesn’t have one? Hate to break the news to you…

It's like looking in a mirror.

The Songs All Blow. How many freaking times do you need to hear GD Jingle Bells? Enough already! Just who the hell is "decking their halls?" And where do they get the boughs of holly? If Grandma wants to live by herself in the woods, she can stay there. Where’s all the GD Halloween songs?

Ugly Sweater Parties vs Halloween Parties. You decide where you'd rather be.

BYOOIINNGGGGG!!!

The Ugly Sweater Thing Is Over and Done. It used to be fun when you had to scour thrift stores for legit ugly sweaters that, at one time, someone thought passed for formal wear. Now, you can find premade ugly sweaters from your favorite team, band, movie, etc. Much like redheads, these sweaters are soulless. I blame the slacker hipsters for ruining this one.

Yea, we get it. You didn't even try.

There Is No Return on Investment. Like, literally. I’m not smart with money at all, and even I figured this out. Hate to be cold here, but Xmas lasts exactly as long as there are unopened presents. Once all the presents are opened, kiss my ass, I’m playing with all my new toys and games. It’s what Santa wants.

Think of all the time you spend running to stores to find “the perfect gift.” Think of the hours you spend  shopping on the computer when you could be doing better things, like reading this here blog. Then there’s all the wrapping. And, hey, let’s throw in a few parties we don’t want to go to. And let’s house all these cookies and bullshit. And Xmas is literally over in a flash. Presents opened. It’s the 26^th and you’re back to work because you blew what little paid time off you had in the summer on “mental health days.” Ho ho ho, dipshit.

Yes, OK, I know, Xmas is more than that. It’s the traditions. It’s the food. It’s the family and friends. But here’s my dream Xmas morning. Sleep late. Have traditional Xmas waffles. Open presents. See family for as long as I can tolerate, while trying to figure out who our weird uncle is. Return home and bask in my presents. Watch A Christmas Story a few more times.

The Santa Thing is Getting Kind of Creepy. As someone who doesn’t have children (you’re all welcome.), isn’t this everything you breeders tell your kids not to do? Let me get this straight. You take your spawn to meet an old man-a stranger- in the mall? Then you tell little Johnny or Neaveh (and enough with that name, BTW.) to sit on the strange man’s lap? Wha wha WHA? And said old man-rumored to be an actual saint in some corners-promises to lay lavish gifts on the child if they’re “good?” He sees them when they’re sleeping, he knows when they’ve been naughty or nice? Then, jolly old Santa breaks into your house? Um, excuse me a minute as I get on top of my soapbox here:

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE????

That scenario is far scarier than anything on Halloween. Next thing you’ll tell me is there is some creepy fairy that pays them for discarded body parts.

The Hustle and Bustle Sucks. First off, at what other time of year do we use the term “bustle? ”Just what is bustle and why does it get into my hedgerow?  For 4 or 5 weeks, all these nudnicks get in my way; in the store, in the supermarket, in the liquor store, on the roads. Get out of my GD way. And where’s my jetpack? I was told we’d have jetpacks by now.

Enough With the Fake Niceness. Yes, we’re all supposed to be happy and full of the holiday spirit. But what is worse is the people who pretend to have it. They go way over the top to mask their massive unhappiness of being surrounded by assholes for a month. I feel ya there. (That’s what she said.)

Xmas Trees Support the Deforestation of the Planet. You monsters.

Merry Frickin' Xmas, jackals.

Xmas Is Just Rampant Consumerism. Sheeple! You’re only funding the multi-national corporations. Plus, I had the Kevolution Theory Bureau of Statistics tell me that 64% of Xmas gifts never get used properly. 64%! That’s like almost 65%! Yay! Let’s get more crap we don’t need!

You know what we should be doing instead? Giving to charity. Does Cousin Dupree really need a $20 novelty piece of shit you picked up last minute from the Kohls because you forgot he existed? No. Your money is far better spent-as well as karma earned-if you throw a couple of bucks to Music and Memory, who helps people like Henry.

Mistletoe. In this climate we’re living in, how is mistletoe even still a thing? What horny old man-and you KNOW it was a horny old man-came up with this? It was probably some pervy ol’ mistletoe farmer, if such an occupation ever existed. “I know, I’ll invent some custom where I hang mistletoe up. And any pretty ol' lady that wanders under it will have to get a peck on the cheek. And then I jam my tongue down her throat! Brilliant!” How are all these uppity social justice warriors not raging against stores that sell mistletoe, mistletoe balls or even the classy mistletoe belt buckle? Which I may or may not be wearing right now. Ladies? Ladies? Hello?

The Car Commercials. OK, quick impromptu poll. By a show of hands-preferably the one not holding your drink-have you ever gifted anyone with a car?

(No hands raised.)

Uh huh, uh huh. Ok, class, again by a show of hands, have you ever been given a car for Xmas?

(Still no hands raised.)

Ah hah! As I thought. The Kevolution Theory Bureau of Statistics show none of us have ever gotten a new car for Xmas. Can we please get rid of these offensively unrealistic car commercials? (In fact, this will be part of my presidential platform. #VoteForKev2020) In what Valhalla do these families exist where they buy cars for each other? And if you notice, the people still get regular presents in the house! WTF is this madness? Wouldn’t you be kinda pissed that your spouse somehow took out enough money under your nose, they could buy you a car and you never even realized the money was gone? I have a theory about these commercial couples; the one that bought the car has been having/wants to have an affair with the neighbor. The car is just a way to soothe their conscience. Try watching those commercials now, you cheating bastard.

No One Eats Candy Canes Anymore. I have another theory that there hasn’t been a new candy cane made in years. They just recycle the ones no one wanted this year for next. Kinda like the salad at your favorite restaurant.

Tastes like 2016.

Xmas Cards. Again, what a spectacular waste of resources. If you send me a Xmas card, you should just address it to Kevolution Theory Trashcan so the mailman knows where to put it. I don’t even open them. I don’t send them. I truly don’t care if you send me a card, we’re square either way. Just don’t expect a Xmas card from me. Or a birthday card. Or a Father’s Day card. Or a condolence card. I say the same things about holidays as I do when I bounce; Kev don’t card.

Speaking of cards, enough with the creepy cards of just your kids. Chances are I barely know you, so why the blue hell do I wanna see your kids? I want to see YOU. What you look like now. I want to see who you married. Yes, it’s shallow, but it’s human nature. Whenever you send a card with your kids, you are telling the world, “I am now repugnant, hopefully my kids won’t end up like me.” You have given up in life. May god have mercy on your children.

Reindeer Boob. Yea, you’d think I’d be all about the wimmen folk exposing their boobs. Plus, I’m a pretty big perv, too. (Yes, I really am wearing a mistle toe belt buckle now, and no one in this book store seems to be obliging.) But I don’t know how I feel about this one yet.

A lil' somethin' for the ladies.

So, did I miss anything?

The Asshole Hustle

As a point of reference, as I write this, it is just past 4PM on November 22^nd. It is the day before Thanksgiving. AKA, the biggest party night of the year. Might as well get one more good belt in before hanging with the fam for a day or two. And to be honest, I am already on my fourth rum and coke. I guess no one at this Barnes and Noble seems to find it odd. Nor do they find it odd I am clearly drinking in the children’s section. But, as I look around, I see plenty of the other breeders are doing the same thing. We occasionally nod to each other as if to say, “You’re cool here, brother. This is a safe space.” I’m pretty sure I’m not the only one here without actual children, but it does beg the question if the rest of them are pedos. So, what was the point of this blog?

Oh, yea, my new racket..um…hustle, umm  job. Let’s be honest, the evolution of real jobs over the last few years has been pretty wild. In this digital age, we now have professional cuddlers, Instagram picture takers,or sleeping on stranger’s floors. Hell, it seems like it was only a few years ago, our parents were telling us to never get in a stranger’s car. Nowadays, we hop on this mystical little device, and direct strangers to our exact location-often times, our own home-and willingly get in their car and have them drive us somewhere. They know our names and info. Progress?

In that entrepreneurial spirit, I have identified a need that needs filling. (That’s what needs do, they need stuff. That’s why they are a need.) And it’s a need I am particularly skilled in. You need a drunken asshole? I’m your man! Perhaps a few examples:

How many times have you found yourself in this scenario. A buddy says to you, “Hey, you doing anything tonight? Mike is having a party.” Being the pro you are, you ask, “Is DT going to be there?” Now, this DT character is someone we all know. The initials are meaningless, but they are always there. DT is often a male. (In cases when it’s a girl, the initials rule applies, but, also a caveat. The moniker “Crazy” might be applied. For example, Crazy Alanis or Crazy Steph. If you are a guy, dating Crazy is often adventurous.)

Yup, makes sense.

 He often goes by his initials. Sure, DJs are common. You might get other names like JT, JD, HM. Sometimes, more random initials like, J Dub (instead of the many syllabled W), PA. The initials are not as important as the character. DT is the guy who brings the party. DT is the guy you can just meet for a quick bite at Applebee’s on a Tuesday night, then wake up in an Atlantic City hotel room on Thursday. And you live in Wisconsin. DT will often show up dressed fairly nice, but as the night progresses, he loses his sport coat, his shirt becomes untucked and he is wearing glowing beads of some sort. Everyone loves DT. You wouldn’t trust him with a $10 loan, but when everyone gets their party on, everyone becomes best friends with DT. Parties are better with DT. Because he always gets drunker than everyone else. No matter how shit faced you get, DT gets more shit faced. No one remembers you tore the toilet paper holder off the wall of the guest bathroom because DT poured a margarita into the aquarium, then used a straw to drink it out. Ah, crazy ol’ DT being DT.

You’re asking if DT will be there, because that gauges your level of raging. If DT is there, you can safely get shitfaced, because the spotlight will be on DT. So, in a Choose Your Own Adventure style, it would look like this.

Is DT coming? If yes, flip to page 89

Page 89: “Great, I can safely get tuned. No worries.”

Is DT coming? If no, flip to page 91

Page 91:” Cue the fail horn! “Damn it, looks like I’m on Miller Lite all night.”

And, that, my friends is where I come in. If there’s one thing I have experience in, it’s being a drunken asshole. So why not make a living at it? You need more convincing? Man, when did you guys get to be such hardasses? Fine.

Here’s your real-world scenario. You’ve had a long week. Your fantasy team lost. Work was donkey balls. You just want to unwind. There’s a happy hour Friday night. You do your due diligence, and DT won’t be there. You want to get carelessly shitfaced. What’s one to do?

Call me!

Yup, my side hustle-as the kids all call it nowadays-is to be a raging, drunken asshole. A stretch, I know, but please let me elaborate. I will meet you at the event site; bar, country club, office Xmas party, Aunt Gladys’ funeral. Though, please note, the more formal the event, there will be a sliding fee to cover me getting all dressed up. You’re talking to a guy who does his best work in jeans and a t-shirt. Regardless, it will be my job to act like it’s a typical Tuesday afternoon; i.e  get blackout drunk and wake up in shame but hopefully at least my own bed. You can go get as sloshed as you want. I’ll be funneling Jager bombs with all the kids. And while I’m all stumbling around, you’ll be happily, invisibly toasted and no one will ever know because I am swinging off a chandelier wearing someone else’s shoes. Aw, ‘dat crazy KT!

Now, look, you all can realize this is a ROCK SOLID service I offer, and I suspect many of my ne’er-do-well readers will be hitting me up at @ifyouseekev to inquire of my services. But, it doesn’t stop there. No, no, no. This is Kev Theory we’re talking about here. While this is already an invaluable service, I am offering, you should be expecting more from me. And, I gotcha covered.

Maybe because I am now 7 drinks into my evening. Maybe because Evil Kev is starting to come out to play. Maybe because there are now actually kids here in the kid’s section. WTF? But I will offer many different levels of services. Depravity has many bounds.

Let’s be honest. You have your own motives. They may be pure, they may be evil. Frankly, I don’t care. I am an uncaring assassin. I’ve watched enough Jason Statham movies to understand. 

This tastes like steroids. With a dash of HGH. And strawberries!

So, let’s say there is an event you want to get out of. HMU. Is there a wedding on the horizon that might conflict with the prospect of NOT going to a wedding you don’t want to go to? I can make that happen. Invite me to a family gathering beforehand. Tell me who to piss off, and I can do that. Just ask my Uncle Lou. Because he won’t speak to me, but SEE? That’s my point. Screw him for getting married to some trollop the same Saturday as the Preakness. Or was it the Belmont? I don’t remember; I don’t follow horse racing all that closely.

OK, so that may be evil. But I specialize in tough love. Sometimes, the ones you love need to hear a message loud and clear. I gotcha. Let’s say there is a wedding coming up, and you don’t agree with the bride of choice. You hire me. You give me all the facts. (in my biz, we call this a dossier, but no need to bog down the minds of all the commoners) You tell me who to talk to and what to say. You bring me to a family event. Wind up my string (fill me up with liquor, because that gets to the truth a lot quicker than beer) and set me off. “Hey, are you Craig? You’re getting married soon, right? To, uhh, whatsherface? Right, right. Hey, look man, I know I don’t know you, but (defers to script given to me) Hello lost deposits! And hello Jen, the bridesmaid. Also, you get that free weekend off.

Maybe you don’t like your boss. Psyche! Who doesn’t like their boss? What better way to give them a piece of your mind-safely-than by letting me tell him/her off? Invite me to the office golf outing. Tell me what you want this douche bag to hear. Then stand back as I level him/her with your own words! It’s like all those cheesy teen age rom-com movies where the guy in the bushes-who is secretly in love with the girl hanging out the window-tells the guy standing in the open what to say! (OK, I know that’s a roundabout simile, but y’all know what I’m talkin’ ‘bout here.) In the end, I get tossed out, you can claim ignorance, and your boss hears the shit they need to hear. In fact, they may even become a better person! GD, sport, you’re such a good person! Ask for that raise!

Jesus, I need to advertise this better on Craigslist. Maybe buy a sponsored shot on LinkedIn.

I’m not only Next Level, I have all this shit thought out. Through all of this, you rational thinkers should be saying, “But under what guise, Kev Theory? On WHAT GROUNDS? That is a fair question. And if I wasn’t now 12 drinks into my night and wondering how I got into the erotica section of this B&N, I would have addressed this earlier. Again, all my rational thinking readers are now saying, “Well, K Theory, if you were a better writer…”  To which, I intelligently respond…well..um….

Fuck you.

Going back to the hanging question, just how do I get invited to all these events? The answer is simple. The answer is… (skip to the scene of a clock advancing 5 minutes) whatever makes the most sense. Invite me as your friend. I’ll be a coworker. Or an old college buddy.  We used to play hockey together. You a girl? Invite me as your date. You a guy? Invite me as your date. I got both ears pierced, so I can pull off either. That’s dedication! Though truth be told, I’ve skipped through enough Lifetime Xmas movies to know how “pretending” I’m your date usually ends up, so try to keep your walls up against my smoldering hotness. Actually, in all reality, it won’t be that hard.

So there you go. If anyone knows Ashston Kutcher, who likes to invest into ultracool web startups, he can DM me @ifyouseekev. If anyone knows Mila Kunis, then tell her to email me at ifyouseekev@gmail.com. Just because. The rest of you can spread the word or invest.

Happy Thanksgiving! Rates go up in 10 minutes.

DVD Extra

This entire post is based on what I thought was a throwaway FB post that went like this:

Hey guys!

Don’t feel like being the drunken asshole at all your gatherings this holiday weekend? Well, good news! My services are still available! Hire me to come in and be the raging asshole, so all the attention is taken off of you!

PM me for reasonable rates and enjoy yourself this weekend!

References available upon request. Many, many references.

A sincere, heartfelt thanks for all those who liked than and spurred me onto the above post.

Why Can't We Have a War Against Black Friday?

The war on drugs. The war on terror. The war on Xmas. It seems all we do these days is squabble (you’ve watched cable sports networks in the morning and afternoon, right?) and argue. We are so easily divided. Politics, racism, sexism, sports, soda brands, Twilight characters, Sammy vs. Dave, literature, news. And when we’re not arguing, we’re actually going to war. The war on drugs. The war on terror. The war on Xmas. We need to all get on the same page here, kids. And-surprise-we can do that by going to war. The time is now to align forces and finally wage war on one of the most evil events in our lifetime.

 Yes, citizens (of earth!), batten down whatever hatches are, it’s time we go to war against Black Friday.

(Alas, it seems I generally write this same thing every year, but every year, most of you nudniks ignore my advice. So, please pay attention so I can go back to my strong suit of sex, drinking and humor. BTW, “strong suit of sex” is just about any suit I wear, if ya know what I mean.)

Did you know there’s actually a holiday before Xmas? Over the last few years, it’s been a mere speed bump on the way to massive and unnecessary rampant consumerism. It’s like we’ve also lost the point of the holiday of Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving is the day families get together, pretend to like each other and eat like feral pigs. Turns out what we should be celebrating on Tgiving is the day this great country was discovered. Even though there were other people living here. Some think we should no longer celebrate this holiday as it celebrates the day we swindled this country away from the Indians. That’s a blog for another day, there’s only so much angst I can muster up as I write this blog. Ultimately, we should feel no pity as the Indians got their revenge by turning us into problem gamblers. I am sure they already have a holiday commemorating that.

"I'll never win if the damn dealing keeping giving me Uno cards!"

We need to focus our efforts here. Let’s not get caught up in the semantics of “Merry Xmas” vs “Happy Holidays.” We have already moved beyond this being an actual ‘holy season.’ That line was crossed and battle lost years ago. This is no longer about the birth of our/yours/someone else’s lord. This is not the place for our individual religious thoughts. In fact, just about every religion approves this crusade. I checked, I swear.

Yes, this is the time of year every website runs a blog about the war on Xmas. Ho hum and bah humbug. But the bigger, more sinister enemy here is Black Friday. Let’s look at some facts. First of all, it’s about time to admit that BLACK FRIDAY IS NO LONGER A THING!11! Yes, sure, BF used to be a thing; back when Roebuck was still with Sears, Kmart sold smokes and I had dreams of being a professional writer. It just doesn’t exist anymore, despite what all the retailers would have you think. Black Friday is for people who never used Amazon. Or eBay. Or Honey. Or RetailMeNot. Or Groupon. Or a phone that is not hardwired to the wall.

Let’s take a brief trip back in time; before Louis CK, Kevin Spacey and George Takei were the bad guys. Take me back to Black Friday 2016. How much money did you save? Whatever you bought, is it still being used today? Did the $5 Blu Ray ever escape the shrink wrap? Hell. Do you even remember what you bought, let alone if it ever became of any use to anyone?

Look,” you people”

that just HAVE to go shopping on Tgiving night are inconsiderate, raging assholes. Now, I can see you getting all in a hissy fit –you really should turn off the camera in your PC-so let me explain. I’m not gonna present a problem without a solution. BTW, you assholes know you are the “problem” part in this equation, right?

First of all you are blowing off your family. And look, if I have to suffer, we ALL have to suffer. “But Kev, I spend Tgiving with my in-laws. My INLAWS!” Yes, I hear that a lot, and yes, I get your point. But that’s what the Jim Beam is for, and if you play your cards right, you won’t get invited back next year. Or ever. Plus, if you are one of my Southern readers, that one cousin is looking pretty hot.

Literally, the first image that shows up as "hot cousin"

Secondly, because you HAVE to rush out and save $2 on a dozen pair of socks, you are denying someone else of their Tgiving. Newsflash, you fucking ignoramus; those are real, living, feeling people working in the Targets, Best Buys, Walmarts and malls.

Now, stop rolling your eyes about the “level of talent” that works at Walmart. Talk shit all you want. In previous lives, before I got elected for another term-I spent some time with the employees in these stores. And these people are mothers, fathers, uncles, sisters, etc. And all for the corporate empire that you fucktards go fuel, these poor folks have to forgo their family dinner so they can deal with your ignorant ass. If a store opens at 6PM, do you think all the elves just stroll in at 5:55? No, dunderhead, they have to be there hours before, setting things up, moving things around and mentally preparing for The Onslaught of The Ignorant. And at 6PM, the mindless herd floods in. But it doesn’t have to be that way.

What shouldn’t be lost on you is that the people who make these decisions to open stores on Tgiving night, do you know where they are? Do you know what they do? They fucking sit at home with their fucking families. Probably figuring out a way to expense their Tgiving dinner and probably tapping their fingers like Mr. Burns all night.

The sheep, they come to me.

And Friday morning they sleep in while all their poor underlings work a ridiculous amount of hours for Black Weekend. Now, I will be the first to admit I have a heart as black as the night two miles inside a tunnel, but even ME thinks this is highly unfair. But, hey, you need to buy that piece of rapidly declining technology.

Here’s some more pipebombs; did you know just about any store you would choose to patronize on Black Thursday has this thing called a website? And did you know, more times than not, all those shiny BF deals can actually be had on said website? And usually you can get said, shiny deal anytime the week of BF? So you could actually dayload on Wednesday –or Tuesday, no judgement here-and do all your BF shopping online! Look at you being a decent human being! Go ahead and order yourself another Moscow Mule, son, you’ve earned it. Also, early reconnaissance says the Moscow Mule must be losing favor as the trendy drink by the abundance on Moscow Mule gift sets available everywhere.

And hey, if you’re now feeling all good about yourself, if you do have to go shop, how about sleeping in a bit, then supporting local, independent businesses? You have my permission. Also, I should note it is Record Store Day. You have my blessing to go support these fine, fine independent merchants. But if I hear you’re actually buying Xmas music, I will hunt you down and kick you in the balls. Don’t be a dipshit.

If you are not offended by all the Xmas commercials than have been airing since October 10^th, you just are not paying attention. Have you noticed what all these “holiday” commercials are saying? That your Xmas isn’t shit until you open up that last present (the subliminal message being all your other presents are shit) from Best Buy. Or that you haven’t had a good holiday till someone buys you a car. Wha wha what!?!

A car! Fuck you, evil multinational company. If I can spend most of the day sleeping, drinking egg nog and watching A Christmas Story over and over, it’s been a pretty good Yule at the Theory house. (Speaking of ACS, Fox can go fuck itself if they think I’m going to watch their abortion of a version of it.)

Really, that’s what makes Xmas “successful” these days; oodles and oodles of presents? There always has to be one “last” one or one “big” one. This rationale is why America is hated. It’s always more, more, MOAR!1!1 Be like a pig and be happy with the shit you already have. I have a shelf of DVDs I will never watch, a closet full of clothes I will never wear and a bunch of books with big, scary words that I will never read. Why do I need more?

If I wasn’t planning on being shitfaced drunk Tgiving night (Hey, don’t blame me, it’s a Theory family tradition and how we all tolerate ourselves for a few hours) I would go out and interview these nutcases who are waiting outside of stores on Tgiving Day. Here are some of the questions I would ask these brain surgeons:

If you waited outside a Best Buy last Tgiving, what did you wait for?

Random hot Santa girl, because...um...

Can I get a quick hummer in the backseat of my car? (Note; only asked to drunk girls who would still otherwise be attainable)

Where is your self-respect, man?

Does your tent have a bathroom, because you sure smell like shit?

What’s so motherfucking important that you motherfucking have to ruin someone else’s motherfucking Tgiving?

You know this store is generally open 363 other days of the year, right?

What’s more important; a shitty TV for $5 less or your dignity? Wait, stop, I think I already know the answer.

I’m guessing no one in your family is missing you right now.

Can you please tell me where you work? I want to drag your ass in buttcrack early on a holiday, and trash the place. I might be a little bit tipsy, too. But you’re probably cool with that.

I double dog dare you, NO, I triple dog dare you to take some of this money you’re saving and put it in the red bucket over there. Your move, Mr. Christmas.

“Boy, the line for the Asshole Meet Up sure is long today.”

Every piece of technology you’re buying today will most likely be obsolete by next year.

You’re the reason we lost the election.

You are why the terrorists hate us. Yes, YOU! (Shove my finger into their chest.)

You know this Best Buy opened up at 6 AM this morning and sold out all of the doorbusters, right?

Again, please, I beg of you, DO NOT go shopping on Tgiving night. Don’t be a sheep. Make a stand, at least one time in your miserable life. Just because you may have a job where you annually score this weekend off doesn’t entitle you to be an asshole to someone else on a holiday. Sit this one out, spend time with family and friends-at least the ones you can tolerate. But if you still feel the need to drunkenly and recklessly spend your money, please do so at any of the below links. I assure you, it’s easy, the money means a lot more and goes a lot further and it is actually something that is truly in “the spirit of the holidays.”

Alive Inside

Dale Earnhardt Foundation

Rape Abuse & Incest National Network

Community Crisis Services, Inc.

Philadelphia Animal Welfare Society

Troubling Texts I Send My Lady

Look, I can be a dick. This isn’t news to you. Hell, it’s not even fake news; both CNN and Fox News agree I can be a raging asshole, even if they haven’t retweeted that like I have repeatedly and politely asked. And look, it goes without saying that I can also be a dick to the people closest to me. What’s the point of having friends and family if you can’t incessantly bother them?

No one knows this more than my girl. And I’ll be honest here, I absolutely have to change her name to protect her. So, for the sake of argument, let’s just call her Taylor Swift. No, wait, let’s call her Alexandra Daddario. Wait, that one is taken, too? Geez, this could take all night. Let’s just call her my lady. Yea, that sounds all classy like.

This is the way I imagine every girl I text. Also, this will be the default pic for the post. Hot girls= cheap hits.

I do not possess the tools to make a good decision here.

So, my lady goes out of town for the weekend. I briefly try to fight Disney for the right to use the term “The Happiest Place on Earth” to describe my place for the weekend, but was unfruitful. And, look, it’s not like I do anything wild while she’s out of town. It’s literally like I am living at home again, and the parents leave town for the weekend. In fact, I do the same damn things; play video games, watch teen slasher flicks and drink till I pass out. At some point, my smoking hot step sister comes in and tries to seduce me. No, wait a minute that was a video I was watching over the weekend. OK, what was I talking about? 

Oh yea, with the advent of the smart phone, two things have happened; 1) almost every teen slasher movie suddenly has a gaping plot hole and 2) I can harass people-i.e.-my lady-to no end. While I’m safely and gallantly at home, avoiding temptation, she’s out gallivanting with her friends till 4 in the morning. It’s really my duty to rain on her fun parade and make her worry. It keeps her in check. This is normal behavior for successful couples. So while my lady was out of town this weekend, I woke up Sunday afternoon, and decided to share the following texts with you, loyal readers. All 14 of you. Feel free to use with your own loved ones.

Your red nail polish is my favorite flavor. Also, you need more red nail polish.

When did our neighbor get to be so hot?

Apparently, I ordered $400 of merch from Michale Buble last night. And nothing even in my size. Who is he?

I just drank an entire bottle of ranch dressing. Or maybe it was Caeser.

I am totally sober.

And this beer. And this Fireball. And this Jager. And this...

Hey, just curious. What’s the name of your hot friend with the blow job lips?

Aaaaand, I'm done

I’m watching college football even though I did not go to college.

Does blood come out of carpet? No need to worry, it’s not mine.

Whose toe nails are these?

I put all 3 contacts in my eye today.

The clinic said my test came back negative.

What size is my head?

Free ballin

What is the neighbor’s password for wifi? I already tried TaylorSwiftWantsMe, but that's not it.

I don't quite know what's going on here, but I am all aboard.

I found an extra shoe.

Take your clothes out of the dish washer tomorrow.

I dyed my hair blue. No, not that hair.

I feel fat.

Do any spas near us offer hand release? Asking for a friend. You know who I’m talking about.

I miss your boobs.

I don’t have enough camo.

Turns out it’s not mine.

Don’t get fat.

I just won the WWE World Championship. So don’t bitch I didn’t do anything this weekend.

Was that bump always there?

Your underwear feels tight.

I find hats odd.

I have renamed the mute button the Sofia Vergara button.

So much better with the sound turned down. Fellas, am I right?

Oh my god, Becky, look at her butt.

Look at it!!!!!!!!

Jose from the pizza place says hi. What dafuq up with that?

Dude, who dafuq are you? Just gimme my damn pizza and get the hell off my porch.

Margot Robbie wants me. Up your game, toots.

Never get tired of this. Also, ladies, Halloween is coming up. Just saying.

Why did you Google “hunky pool boys” when we don’t even have a pool, biotch???

I think I might be on Live PD tonight.

Purple snuffalougness

How do you spell snuffalougness?

Snuffleupagus. Got it.

Kev, just how much have you had tonight to be seeing me?

No, I don’t have time to talk. It’s 2^nd and 3. This is important. Please leave me alone.

I have watched CMT all day. Please help.

I shaved off one of my eyebrows. You figure this shit out.

Did you know there is a porn for every situation? Like, literally, any conceivable situation, there is a porn for it. I’ve researched this for hours today. Fascinating.

And BTW, when you come over, be wearing those fuck me boots, please. You know the ones.

Covfefe.

#VoteForKev2020; Campaign Slogans

Look, I don’t get very political on my social media. Many of you do, and that’s fine. It seems most of my social media streams have been political, especially after this Trump press conference (Which I did not watch. But I saw enough headlines ferreted around all the articles, I’m pretty sure I got a firm grasp.) I can’t imagine you will ever get much political thought from me; and honestly, my ‘talent’ and style is everything to drag you away from the real world for a few paragraphs and hopefully a few laughs. Does anyone remember laughter? Seeing all the angst on the socials tonight was like a big ol’ Bat signal that we all needed to have a brief laugh amidst all this rancor.

No, not this kind of Rancor, the other angrier, non Star Wars kind of rancor.

A few months ago, at the end of one of my blogs you all read and thought hilarious but never freaking bothered to tell me, I floated the hash tag #VoteForKev2020. So, while I was showering tonight, I got a great idea for a quick and dirty blog that can lighten the mood of America for just a brief moment. And, yes, most of my great ideas come to me in the bathroom.

Anywhoo, if I do decide to formally launch a candidacy for President, I guess there would be some forms or something I’d have to fill out at the library or post office. But what good is filling out a form if I don’t at least have some catchy campaign slogans? That’s like more than half the battle, right? So here’s what I’ve come up with to sway all the yahoos in the swing states.

Someone who can unite both parties in their common disdain of me.

I can’t do any worse. Like, literally, I can’t do any worse.

I am pretty sure I can make a federal holiday each out of man crush Monday and woman crush Wednesday.

#WCW is also hump day. probably not a coincidence. 

I can’t golf.

Surrounded by people who will actually know what they’re doing.

They call him….The Unfucker.

Keeper of promises. A real promise keeper. But not like those creepy Promise Keepers. A promise keeper in a not creepy way.

Better hair for a better America.

He has a dog!

Identifies with the youth of America. Especially the college girls.

Patriots. Also, #WCW

A race fan, but not a racist.

Another reason to hate Jr.

He pretty much hates everyone equally.

Knows how to handle the North Korea problem because he saw The Interview. Twice.

Something, something, both sides, both sides.

Has no problem showing you his emails, though they are mostly about penis enlargement.

Will release his tax records. As well as his debut calypso record!

Easily the best man for the job. Especially if his opponent is another broad.

He was the President of the Queensryche fan club, so he’s pretty sure he can run America.

If you can find a better candidate, then you should probably vote for them, you Commie pinko bastard.

Promises to open up Area 51.

Has no skeletons in his closet, but a few beneath his parents’ basement.

Bravely instituting an idiot tax.

Once won an argument with a woman.

He’s the man for our times. Or at least the next 4 years.

Supports single moms, ifyaknowwhatImean.

You knew what I meant.

Never murdered anyone.

Protecting America from the Bobadook.

Alt music, not alt right/left.

A master debater.

I’m with him.

A drinker like the rest of us.

Go ahead and judge, but this is the demographic that will get me into the Oval Office.

His parents would vote for him.

Ignorance of international affairs = fresh eyes and new ideas.

The Cure for Idiocy.

You don’t learn if you don’t make mistakes. He’s hungry to learn.

Putting the rum in decorum.

Unplugged: Why It's OK To Take a Vacation From Your Phone

Look, I hate writing these ‘voice of reason’ posts. You guys all expect me to have a point, an experience, or an idea and to express it rather hilariously. Recently, I have identified an issue that is a huge epidemic, yet no one seems to talk about it or discuss it. There is an issue slowly killing us all, and I hate to be the one to bring up. I am sure CNN, Fox News, Time and all other sorts of media –both fake and real- will be placing their interview requests for me after I bring this up, but here we go.

The stockiest of stock photos I could find.

GUYS, IT’S TIME TO PUT THE FUCKING PHONES DOWN.

I recently-like literally just a few scant hours ago-returned from a week long vacation. More than any other year, I felt grateful to just even have the opportunity to spend a week at my favoritest place in the world; the beach. Not everyone has this opportunity. Now maybe you are one of those freaks who doesn’t love the beach. That’s OK, though a bit mind boggling to me. But I am willing to bet you DO have a place you go to that relaxes, recharges, refocuses, inspires, chills, calms, heals, excites you. Maybe it’s a week camping or hiking or skiing, whatever; you do have your happy place. I just prefer some bikini girls be hanging around my happy place.

Anyone know what dafuq beach this is?

This phone epidemic hit me especially as I made my two annual boardwalk runs. As I ran-poorly, awkwardly and slowly-the numbers of people/zombies who were mindlessly lost in their phones on a fanfreakingtastic summer morning next to the ocean was staggering. Aside from the personal safety standpoint of being surrounded by a bunch of runners and bikers, these people were oblivious. Trust me, the thought hit me more than once that if I barreled through some of these morons like I was a bad guy running away in an action movie. I would be doing the world a favor and teaching a very valuable lesson. This attitude is also exactly why I could never be a teacher.

Truth.

Though a bit off topic but related to running, here’s another pro tip, ya shoobies; recently, shrewd developers have taken to building “outlet” shopping centers near vacation spots. Here’s the dirty truth; very few of these stores are true “outlets” and most are just a store for that brand. It’s pretty much the same shit you can buy back at home for the same price. Still, this doesn’t deter the vacationing masses from descending on these “outlet” stores like hawks on prey. Just because you suddenly think you can now afford Under Armour doesn’t mean you should go buy it. For example, the few days I did drag myself to run on the boardwalk, I saw tons of out of towners wearing brand new Under Armour stuff. And by the way some of these blobs looked, I really though the UA stood for UnActive. Just because you can buy it, doesn’t mean you should wear it. Full disclosure, there was one day I just happened to be wearing mostly UA stuff, and I did not run any faster or feel less like shit when my horrible run was over. My moobs, though, did appreciate the additional support. So, what was I saying? Oh yea…

PUT THE FUCKING PHONE DOWN AND LOOK AT THE LIFE PASSING YOU BY.

“Hey, Tom, how was your vacation?”

“Great, Fred! Stared at my phone all day!”

While I was on vacation, I saw people texting in no less than four different dangerous positions:

Walking

Driving.

Skateboarding.

Bicycling.

I could only hope they were texting Darwin, because we need to clear the herd of such dipshits.

Now I can already hear some of you sissymaries whining. “But I use my phone for important stuff! I was calling the sitter! I was texting my husband! My mom called so of course I let it go straight to voicemail and now I’m just seeing what she wanted!” Look, I get in some cases it is a necessary call or text to make sure Jaws didn’t make off with your dog and your kids. But when you’re lost in your phone for extended periods of time, you’re losing what’s around you.

I consciously made the decision to unplug as much as I could. No email, no socials, no score checking. And you know what? It was awesome! The sun came up and the world spun around and I saw a lot more of it than the doofus glued to his phone.

I stayed off the book of Face as much as possible. I posted exactly 2 statuses to FB, neither one vacation based. And on those rare times I did log in –thanks to slow ass bartenders- you know what I missed? Absolutely nothing. The same cat pictures, the same political posts, the same piss-in-my-Cheerios posts.

So predictable. If anything, I had a sudden twinge of guilt over not posting my usual brilliance. All my poor friends, crying out for my witty posts to make FB all worth it wallowing in literally the same shit every freaking day. Though, that twinge quickly disappeared as a cold one appeared. Yay beer!

And speaking of drinking while on vacation, I felt no urge whatsoever to post the same picture everybody else does. Pop quiz, hot shot; is this picture of a beer like looking liquid in an unmarked glass from an exotic bar or the shithole down the street?

Q; From a legendary bar in County Cork or the dumpy TGI Fridays in the mall?
A No one cares.

Like, seriously, rookie, knock this shit off. More pro tips from your pal Kev. Your friends should thank me.

Being on the beach is no less different. I didn’t even bring my phone. Yet there were plenty of jabronis who stared at a 4 inch screen instead of the ocean RIGHT FUCKING IN FRONT OF THEM. And not just the twatty girls you’d expect, but every type of moron. Me, I brought my iPod and this thing called a book-not with pages to color but to read! (I know, I know, my white socks were pulled up to my knees and my walker was next to me. I know I’m sounding all old man here, but you know I am right regardless.) Beautiful weather, sun out, the ocean in front of you, sandy toes, ocean breeze-but I guess these dipshits gotta check their Foursquare or look for deals on eBay or what not. Can people buy a clue on eBay yet?

So here’s my point. It’s OK to unplug from your phone and social media. In fact, it’s really healthy. You don’t have to document every single thing on your vacation. Newsflash-most of us could give two smelly shits about your GD vacation. So not only do us a favor, but more so for yourself-put the phone away and live in these moments. Trust me, I assure you there will be a time and it may be sooner rather than later-that you wish you could be in your happy place; the sounds, the smells, the sights. Those are the things I am holding onto from this vacation. Don’t spend this time checking in on a meaningless baseball or preseason football game. Your teams suck, anyway. The people you follow on social media who don’t even follow you back don’t appreciate you are wasting your precious vacation time looking at their pictures. You can do that at work, but don’t let this week slip from you. The end of vacation is a brutal bastard.

Kevolution Theory; The News Channel

There I was, 11 at night. I had just finished watching the Impractical Jokers channel. What, you don’t have that channel? It used to be called Tru TV, but every time I click on by, it’s IJ. I’m not complaining though. But, GD, am I sick of the Law and Order channel. Talk about bumming yourself out.

Every time I turn on the local news, it’s the same damn thing. Shootings, police lights, political moves that make you scratch your head. The formula never changes. It’s not news, it’s bad news. Turn on any of the 24 hour “news” channels, and it’s ridiculous. I turn on one channel and the issue is A. B and C. I turn on another news channel, and the same issue is presented as strictly X, Y and Z. Throw in the bullshit links people seem to like on their social media, and it’s no wonder we don’t know what to think.

This needs to change. I think, quite honestly, there needs to be a Kevolution of how and what news is presented. It got me to thinking-how would I change the news? How would I do it so it is more appealing, not so doom and gloom?

"Am I needed here?"

Why do they have to be negative stories? Why does it have to be about people dying, or overdosing or being stupid? Why can’t it be good, positive, inspirational, encouraging news? I’m not talking about that bullshit, hippy dippy drivel that one friend always posts on FB like nature quotes and bullshit. What if the news was actually about good people doing good things for other people? What if the top story was about a good person doing a good deed? What if it was actually news you could use?

My dream co-anchor. Coincidentally, also wearing my dream apron. I never even knew I had a dream apron.

What if the news really gave you an alternative view? What if the news was respectable? What if it was actually good news? What if it was actually honest? This is a lot to ask of the media these days, and there’s not too many brilliant minds who could redefine the news. In fact, I can only think of one such brilliant mind. Me. 

Beat it, Huey, I'm taking over here.

So I sat down, and started writing out just what and how I would do it. And this is the formula I came up with. For one of the few times in KT history, are you ready to NOT be offended? Here’s my vision.

Hello, all and welcome to Kevolution Unfiltered News Television. That’s right the KUN…. (Nope, No, No, Wait a minute. Nope. No. OK, so I’ll work on the title later) Here’s how a typical news cast would go.

Your Esteemed and Well Respected Journalist and Host- Kev O’Lucien. (Ok, so that’s not my actual name, but you would be surprised how many well established news journalists have stage names. Like, did you know Dan Rather’s real name is Oleg Kavorskiwich? Really, go look it up.)

Kev O’Lucien-Hello everyone and welcome to the 11 o’clock news. I am your host, the esteemed and well respected Kev O’Lucien. A pleasant evening to you. And right now, the big story is- (dramatic pause) PUPPIES!

KO-Would you like to help out other homeless dogs? And, OK, maybe a cat or 2? The shelter is full of them, and they would add so much to your life. So go open up your cold, black heart.

KO-Our next story, is about unhealthy people who got healthy. 

KO-Good job, guys! Very inspiring. Almost makes up for the shitty music. And lack of detail how they actually did it. I guess we'll roll part two tomorrow. And now, it’s time for the weather, take it away, Hot Weather Girl!

HWG (with attitude)-Um, I have a name, Kevin.

KO-I’m sure you do. But we really want to know is- what the weather is going to be like for the weekend? 

HWG (pulls out her phone to look at weather app) Well, Kevin, it’s the middle of July, so it’s what us meteorologists like to call ‘seasonal’. It might get really hot for a few days, then cool down. If you see clouds, there might be some rain. That’s what my Kevolution News weather app tells me. Get the app for free now on Android, you iPhone users can shove it up your pretentious ass. This getting all dressed up and giving you the forecast every damn night seems pointless when your lazy ass can look up the weather literally any time you want. And back to you, Kevin. (Pause.) And back to you, Kevin. (Another pause.) STOP LOOKING AT MY BOOBS, KEVIN!

One day to write this post, 8 days GIS 'hot weather girl.' These Spanish channels got it going on.

KO (calmly)-Thanks for the update, Hot Weather Girl. Now time for sports. To you, Sports Guy who doesn’t look like a jock at all.

SG (quickly looks at his phone)-Partial score tonight-Notre Dame 6. (Ok, that’s an old George Carlin bit. I’ve been listening a lot to his channel on SXM. Even though he has been gone for some time now, a lot of his material still holds up today.)

SG-Really, do you need more than the hometeam score? Look, it’s the summer, and the local baseball team sucks. But you know what? There’s a big ol’ world of sports that ain’t the “big four.” If you want that, then please go watch channel 6s sports cast. Here, we’re gonna go over NASCAR. And MMA. And lacrosse. You guys ever see this X Games stuff? That shit is gnarly! Hell, tomorrow is my in depth look at Lucha Underground. If you think soccer is boring, have you ever seen it played in the sand? Totally different! And all this-and even more!-can be found on the Kevoluton News app. Download for all your Android enabled devices.

KO-Thanks, Sports Guy. Hey, do you know the Weekend Sports Guy? That guy looks like he played football. Or at least lifts. The sports seems a bit more authentic coming from him than a pencil neck like you.

SG (tries to hide look of shame)

KO-Speaking of lifting, I hope you saw our earlier story on transformations. For more on how to get healthier, here’s Health Reporter Girl. I think she might have been a nurse at one time. Take it away, Health Reporter Girl.

GIS 'hot tv reporter girl' lead me to this internet celebrity. She's French and probably doesn't even report on heatlh, but hey, man, close enough. She is tres caliente.

HRG-Do you want to be healthier? Here’s a few tips you’ve probably heard a billion times by now, but have always ignored. This isn’t rocket science, people. Eat better. More fruits and veggies, less Skittles and Cheetos. Try a NutriBullet. Exercise. Maybe go to the pound from our first story and get a new best friend who will keep you active. Join a gym or any physical activity you find fun. Wallyball. Foxy boxing. Train for mud runs. And ladies, protein will not make you bulky. Join group work out classes. Thanks, and I’ll be back tomorrow to say the exact same thing till you get it through your thick skulls. Back to you, Kevin. (Pause.) Back to you, Kevin. (Pause.) STOP STARING AT MY BOOBS!    

           

KO-Speaking of boob jobs, here’s a list of some local job fairs. If you are unemployed or under employed, here are a few job fairs for different fields. Please note, none of these job fairs offer anything for blog writers because those dipshits never make any money. Here’s current affairs reporter –how many damn reporters do we need, anyway-with a report about current affairs. Over to you, Current Affairs Guy.

CAG-Look, we try to stay away from the negative stuff here, but since we care about you viewers, here’s few tips to survive the impending health care collapse. Get solid health care coverage for yourself and dependents. If you can’t, then may God have mercy on your soul. By the way, the soul is now actually a pre-existing condition. Fortunately, this isn’t a problem for all these dickhead politicians, because they have no soul to begin with. Back to you, Kevin.

KO-Great stuff there. Solid, really top notch. That vague and generic tip to “get solid healthcare” doesn’t even need further explanation. Word to my mother. If you don’t have anything to do but read idyllic blogs this weekend, here’s a list of free and low cost activities like museums, hikes, adult education classes, meet ups and bar crawls.

Now, let’s hear from a local visionary who has a truly brilliant idea.

KO Wow, that guy is sharp. Genius. Keep an eye on that kid. I like the cut of his jib.

SG (off mic but still heard in background) He probably doesn't even know what a jib is.

.

KO We'll have more Kevolution Theory News after you watch this and we do shots in the studio.

Cut to a few commercials, then a public service announcement.

The following is a public service announcement-PUT THE FUCKING PHONE DOWN AND PAY ATTENTION TO THE WORLD AROUND YOU.

KO-And we’re back, with one last look at weather, where I can’t imagine anything has drastically changed in the last 14 minutes.

HWG-No, tomorrow the sun will rise and set like I forecasted.

Clearly, most of my budget will be going to the hot weather girls.

KO-Sports Guy, anything from you?

SG-Yes, another late breaking score; the away team 17.

KO-Thanks for watching the news.