Tuesday, May 8, 2018

The Kevolution Theory Guide To Living in The Moment and Letting Shit Go

I never thought I would ever write a book. I never even wanted to. My wit and wisdom works in small, measured doses of awesomeness. But today, dear readers, is your lucky day. I have, in fact, written a book. And it’s a book we all need. And since I’m such a righteous dude, I am going to give this book away-FREE even though most of you refuse to ever acknowledge anything I write. (Go figure, I am the only one who can do something nice and still be bitter about it.) So, are you ready for your FREE, and dare I say, life-changing, book? That you can print out at home?

The Kevolution Theory Guide to Living in The Moment and Letting Shit Go

                Chapter 1) Living In the Moment

                                Page 1 Live in the moment

                Chapter 2) Let Shit Go

                                Page 2 Let shit go

                The End

                Be sure to buy the audio book.

Now how do I get this thing on the NY Times best seller list?

Lately, I’ve been getting into some self help books. Some serious and full of New Age hooey, but mostly these two; The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck by Mark Manson and You Are a Badass by Jen Sincero.

OK, OK, I know what you’re all thinking. “But Kev, you’re pretty fucking awesome and kind of dreamy, I don’t know that you can get anymore perfect!” Well, you’re right, but also, that is the rub with these self-help books. And by rub, I mean scam.

Also, one of my favorite Del Amitri songs.

There is this God-awful car commercial I see 5 times a night because I’m only watching the Stanley Cup Playoffs. It’s for a hybrid and has these creepy figures from the top of trophies magically come to life and run beside the car. Yea, I don’t get it either, but I am sure the spot cost millions, and teams of people worked to make it look that way. Anywhoo, it ends with all the creepy trophy people saying in unison, “Because better is a never ending quest.” Aside from being one of the most douchy things I’ve ever heard, it is also very, very true. Better is never ending. It always goes on and on. You can always bench 5 pounds more, run a faster mile, earn an extra dollar, etc. That’s the thing about “better”, it’s not quantifiable. There is no end point. And that is the psychology used to sell DVDs, magazine subscriptions and bullshit self-help books.

I am kinda embarrassed to admit I have read more than my fair share of self help books, and generally I find the buy in factor to be rather large. It’s easy for us all to admit we may be lacking in certain areas, and there is a constant voice -or voices-in our head that has a constant dialogue that is nothing but garbage. If we can shut that voice-one book called it “the inner roommate”-up we can largely live in the moment and be present. Which is universally hailed as a good thing.

Here is something I am really embarrassed to admit; I once read an Eckhart Tolle book. OK, more like tried to read an Eckhart Tolle book. It was a hundred pages of dancing around the entire crux (look it up. I’m talking heavy duty topics, so I feel the need to use important words.) of his theory. After tickling your ass with a feather for half the damn book, his big secret is…. SPOILER ALERT….


Huh? That’s it. Like, literally, that’s it? That’s what you’ve been dancing around so long for? That’s the best you can do?  How many people got to that point and threw the book down in disgust and disappointment? The answer? Apparently not too fucking many, because his brand of bull shit made him a bajillion dollars and I’m here in two socks that only match where the holes in the feet are.

Let’s break down his bullshit. YOU ARE GOD.( In his big reveal, he used all caps.) OK….um……no. That makes zero sense. In both the singular and plural use of “you.” If he means the singular ‘you’, then he means me because I am the reader. And I sure ain’t God, because this would be a much better world full of puppies, umbrella drinks and roller coasters. If he means the plural ‘you,’ he means every other knuckle head out there, and we can all see that is clearly not the case. I don’t think you can “God” (“God” being used as a verb here.) by committee. The Avengers couldn’t do it, so us normal folk can’t do it either. Should you need further proof we can’t God by committee, please look at the nearest globe, and realize some morons believe the Earth is flat. I rest my case.

If we back it up just a bit, who the bloody hell has ever met a dude named “Eckhart?” Eckhart is the name of the squirrely guy with the glasses and sweater tied around his neck at the keg trying to fit in by spewing bullshit. Seriously, are you gonna take advice from an “Eckhart?” No, dingus, you’re not. But if you meet a dude at the keg named Kevin… OK, so maybe I am not being very PC by making fun of a guy for his name. But I’m still calling bullshit, this sounds way made up, so I am going to Google his real name.

AHA! I was right! Eckhart isn’t even his real name. Turns out his real first name is Cosmo! Just kidding. His real first name is…Ulrich? What the fuckety fuck?! Given the choice, I’m taking Ulrich every time. He apparently changed his name to Eckhart “in an homage to German sprritual leader, philosopher and mystic Meister Eckhart.” Yea, OK, so not haughty sounding at all. Sounds like this guy is certainly familiar with the ego. I guess that means I can just change my name to Yoda Deadpool Theory and everyone would have to call me that? Dopes.

Now, I have to see what this guy looks like. Maybe the message gets stronger when I see the vessel. And for the record, this is what an Eckhart Tolle looks like

letting things go
A guy who knows his shit OR a guy who is full of shit? You decide.

You buying the bullshit this guy is spewing? No, of course not. But if this bullshit was coming from a 23 year old yoga chick, I would be enthralled because it would be the most fascinating thing I’ve heard all week.
letting shit go
"Honey, I have NO IDEA what you're talking about, but I am all in."
"And who is your friend?"

The two common themes in these quasi self-help books are always live in the moment and let shit go. I have just saved you oodles of time and money. The least you could do would be to buy an autographed copy of my book. You DO believe in karma, right?

“Living in the moment” is truly a never-ending pursuit. Any book will tell you it is incredibly difficult to master. Sound familiar? I will be honest and tell you I have found this to be sadly true. It’s almost GD impossible to live in the moment. There is just too much noise these days, both inside and outside of us. I will give you one pro tip that has helped me. If you are a regular reader of these self-help types of media, you always know, there is a list or a set of rules to follow. So, to simplify your life, and live in the moment, here’s 30 more rules to help you out. Sounds legit.

I’m not gonna be like that. I am not going to give this practice a name, you can do that if you’d like. I will just tell you what I do. Now, if I was a lesser, hack writer like good old Mr. Tolle, I would dance around this topic for the next 100 pages. But I’m not going to do that. So here it is;

letting shit go
"Me swipe right! Look at the brains on this one!"
I do my best to only look at one screen at a time. What does that mean? I put the fucking phone down and watch TV. I don’t Tweet about it or look at the show’s hashtags. The screen can be what you see, so I do my best to not be constantly staring at my phone while I am out. If you ever watch a hockey game, there is always idiots who shell out good money for seats right behind the players’ bench, then they stare at their phone the entire time. Going deeper in a metaphorical sense, one screen is your eyes; what you’re seeing. Don’t waste a beautiful day staring at your phone. One screen at a time. Namaste, bitches!

Another topic these books like to yenter on about is the use of mantras. Some books that are full of sunshine and unicorn farts suggest the use of repeating mantras-or making little notes for yourself, same thing-is quite dandy on your road to bulls…um…living in the moment. The mere practice of repeating the same thing over and over and over and over again will somehow unleash the universe to shine down upon you and make it true. Jimmy Buffett has a song called Creola that I heard in a geezer bar the other day. In it, he has a line that goes something like, “Just repeat the words I say, about a thousand times a day.” Who the hell has this kind of time or OCD? Really, a freakin’ thousand times a day, Jimmy?

To be journalistic and all, I tried the repeating mantra thing. One book (Awesome, IIRC) has you repeating something like, “I am brilliant, bright and beautiful.” I tried it. I never felt bright, brilliant or least of all beautiful. And this was while I was still in the geezer bar. Maybe this mantra thing will work with you guys. Please repeat the following about “a thousand times a day” and let me know what happens:

“Kev Theory is the best thing on the internet and I should send him gobs of money to reflect his talent. Also, I feel pretty.”

Other books (Fuck IIRC, my memory is shit anymore) suggest the use of mantras is quite damaging. His theory is you are only reinforcing the things you don’t have. Can you tell what theory I subscribe to? Just because you say or think something repeatedly doesn’t increase the odds something fantastic will happen. You think any guy just repeats “Even though I have bad hair and am morally bankrupt and probably a racist and homophobe, damn it, one day I’ll be President!” No, clearly that will never happen.

"Wait. I can prevent forest fires AND also do anything? Lucky day, lucky day!"

I’m not saying there is not a time and a place for motivational and inspiring quotes and slogans. Some people use apps that display an inspirational quote on their phone every morning. If these quotes are something that work for you, great. A trip to the book store or library might be in order. Or maybe just start following that one friend again; you know, the one that posts 20 GD inspirational quotes a day. We all have one, and my research shows them to be generally empty shells of people.

Which brings me to another point of wisdom I have gleaned from all these self-help books, articles and posts. You’re never going to find one theory, practice or author you always agree with. And that’s OK. My experience has been optimal when I do find the bits, pieces and practices that I do agree with, believe, or seem to work for me. You may-and most likely-find a book to be 70% bewlshit and 30% useful. Take that useful stuff and let the rest of that shit go. See what I did there?

I could go on. As I take a look at the word count for this post, I can see it’s one of my longest in recent memory. I will wrap up with this. I have given you the information and tools to live in the moment and let shit go. This is not an easy endeavor, but the payoff is (supposed to be) pretty fricking sweet. You have lots of options and routes, and, truth be told, it will take a combination of everything you learn to lead you to Valhalla or Nirvana or whatever I am supposed to call it. Now go live your best life!!!

Yoda Deadpool Theory

DVD Bonus Content
"Here and Now" by Del Amitri I referenced above

Saturday, April 7, 2018

Best National Beer Day Jokes

You know, I've really had it with these new made up holidays. You know what I'm talking about; National Siblings Day. National (insert trendy new malady here) Day, Mother's Day.

 For the first time in a few days, I open up my Facebook and discover today in National Beer Day. Hmm....sounds like we finally got a winner here, folks. 

Since this is pretty much a blog about the poor decisions I make while drinking -like last weeks drunken dare acceptance of getting a Prince Albert- I thank the writing gods for yet another blog about drinking. And look, I'm kind of a busy guy these days. I know a lot of you don't believe that, but it's true. Do you think Fire Sticks watch themselves? No, they do not, and I'm trying to catch up with Eastbound and Down. So, instead of taking time out of my busy Saturday lounging on the couch and debating the chances of me actually putting on pants (Spoiler alert! Low.) I put all my best Tweets that I haven't Tweeted -in other words, what the old folks call "jokes"- in one easy-peasy post. If you spit your beer out in uproarious laughter, I am not responsible for damages. Onward.

Preach on, Brother Homer.

Today is National Beer Day. Or as we call it around the KT offices, "Every single minute of every single day, brah!"

Michelob and Coors seen wondering how to celebrate the day.

I am sure it's unrelated, but my rating on the Hot or Not app just shot up from a soft 4.5 to a solid 5.

Tomorrow is National Gatorade and Shitty Pizza Day.

I was wondering why I woke up feeling more charming this morning.

This is genius logic. Someone one, who should win a Pulitzer or Nobel Prize, looked at the calendar for drinking days and saw this
January-New Years Day
February-Super Bowl, Valentine's Day
March-St Patrick's Day
May-Memorial Day
June-July-August-Fuckin' summer, man! Oh, and 4th of July
September-Labor Day, NFL
October-NHL, Halloween
Wait a minute! April's slacking off! How can I fix this?

Ireland and Canada remain unfazed.

Conor McGregor heard to say, "Fook man, I thought that was Thursday."

This holiday was previously known as "Vomit in the Lyft Car Night."

Social media generated holidays I think we actually need:
National "I Am Only Going To Post One Suspect Link That Aligns With My Current Political Beliefs Instead of My Usual 14" Day
Only Post One Picture of My Kids, Not 37 Day
Please Post Your Most Personal Medical Information Online Day
Flash Yer Boobs Day

Blackout Saturday.

Jesus! I just got over Stone Cold Steve Austin Day.

Statistically, one of you is probably gonna score a level up tonight. Good for you.

I started my day with a shower beer. This was before I knew there was such a thing as National Beer Day.

Because I don't need the man to tell me when to start my dayload!

How many walks of shame will there be on campus tomorrow?

National Beer Day today; pretty bad craft beer farts tomorrow.

Sunday, March 18, 2018

My Best St Patrick's Day Jokes

Yes, OK, I know. It's the 18th. St. Patrick's Day was yesterday, and I actually didn't tweet these jokes. That's because they would be mostly lost on the 4 people that do follow me, and my FB audience-which still largely ignores me, too-seems to respond better. So instead of constantly hitting the pause button on my St Pat's drinking, I decided to save them up and put them all in one place. So, if you did read these yesterday, I thank you. You might wanna read again, in case you forgot a few, as I sure forgot writing a few. Plus, I didn't even use all my jokes, so there's new ones spread through out, as well as day after jokes. So lie back (you ARE still in bed, amirite?), keep putting that Gatorade down and figure out what you want on that pizza as we stroll down foggy memory lane.

I'm drinking so much green beer, my pee is blue.

In kind of a haughty bar. There is a girl next to me drinking 4 Loko. This place clearly does not serve 4 Loko. So she brought her own supply of 4 Loko to a bar. I rarely use the term "spirit animal"....

Pretty sure this "Irish" amber I am drinking is called "Something Else" amber the 364 other days of the year.

I'll admit it. I wasn't really feeling it, but then I listened to "Shipping Up To Boston" like 15 times in a row, and now I'm looking to get good and shitfaced.

Uber driver "Are you drinking a BEER in MY CAR?
Me "No, I'm getting ready to give you a zero star rating."
A consensual-though awkward-silence follows

Pro tip for all the newbs today; NO ONE knows what all these old Irish songs are about. Just nod your head, drink your beer and occasionally say "Slainte!" or "For Bobby Sands!" and you'll be fine.
funniest st pats jokes
I swear, sometimes the jokes write themselves.

Walks into a bar.
Bar is playing U2.
Keeps on walking.

Did you really just order a Bud Light Lime, dude? Get dafuq out of here before you get thrown out.

Pretty sure the 13 year olds in Ireland knock it off with the dancing when they discover the whiskey.

Where will I spend more money today?
1) Bar tabs
2) Uber rides
3) Resulting legal fees and restitution
(Spoiler alert, it was bar tabs. By a LOT.)

Sitting here watching the NCAA tournament. And it got me wondering; were there ever any great Irish basketball players? Or football players? Or hockey players? Or baseball players? It seems to me all the great Irish athletes are fighters. Which makes total sense. I am sure there's probably some great Irish dart throwers as well.

st patricks jokes
Ultimate Irish athlete?

On the 18th, all the pros are out, buying the 50% off crap so we can wear a different green, gaudy t-shirt next year.

The best thing about having no fashion sense and wearing mostly black is all the green stuff is pretty easy to pick out.

Two words; leprechaun porn. Yes, it exists (Rule 34) and after an hour of extensive...uh.."research" I have also discovered I have no shame.

funniest st pats tweets

Kinda off topic, but I have become a huge user of the Irish Goodbye.

Yes, the camera on your phone has the filter that only shows green, and no you shouldn't use it for your social media today.

People in a bar dressed in green on the 17th; "Yay! Fellow partiers!"
People in a bar dressed in green on the 18th; "Fucking alcoholics."

Friday, March 16, 2018

Happy Stone Cold Steve Austin Day!

(Glass shatters.)

Happy Stone Cold Steve Austin Day!

Look, with all the PCedness going on, isn’t it about time to give ol’ Stone Cold his own holiday?  Wait, what’s that? You don’t know who Steve Austin is? What, are you one of my zero female readers under the age of 25? Fine, let’s have a little history lesson here. No, not, like, real history, more like something a lot of people care about; wrestling.

Austin was a key figure in WWF’s “Attitude Era.” The “Attitude Era” is widely regarded as the last time WWE was any good. Mocking a "bible thumper" opponent, Austin famously coined the phrase ‘Austin 3:16 just said I just whipped your ass.” Austin was the central figure who became popular because he drank beer and hated his boss. Sound familiar? Stone Cold attracted millions of eye balls with his shenanigans against the owner of the WWF, the evil Mr. McMahon. Millions lived vicariously through Austin as he tormented his boss. Like his three ex-wives, we all have a little Stone Cold in us. Just a few of the things he did that we all wish we could do

Made Mr. McMahon pee his pants. (Mr. McMahon’s pants. Not Austins. That would actually be pretty ballsy if McMahon somehow managed to pee Austin’s pants.)

"Ugh, I should not have had those 2 cans of Monster before I came out here."

Poured cement into McMahon’s convertible.

Flipped off McMahon multiple times per show.

Drove a beer truck to the ring and hosed beer on the McMahon family.

Now, what I wanna know, is where are these mythological beer trucks that actually dispense beer via hose? Where does one get such a vehicle? Is it the same place Kurt Angle got the milk truck?

Of course, there was also the time he almost got shot by Brian Pillman, but that seems to be largely forgotten.

Also, he was the last real man to wear jorts. (Yea, I said it, Cena. Do your Five Moves of Doom on me because I do see you.)

And even if you are not too familiar with Austin, there are some pretty good memes that you can probably relate to.

stone cold steve austin day

happy stone cold steve austin day

steve austin day

The placement of 316 day is troubling as it is always the day before 317. That’s just the way the calendar works, son. But it is also a kick in the nuts, as this year, Steve Austin Day is Friday and St Pat’s Day is (all day) Saturday. One must gameplan wisely as to how many Steveweisers to have, and still be able to bring your A game for St Pat’s Saturday. For example, I planned ahead, and had my last drink at 11 AM in the bathroom at work, to give my liver some time to recoup and prepare for this weekend’s onslaught.

Just how am I gonna celebrate 316 Day today?

By stomping a mudhole in someone.

By repeatedly saying “What?” when someone is talking to me.

By finishing every phone call with, “And that’s the bottom line because I said so.”

By giving someone the Stone Cold Stunner after kicking them in the gut.

By pouring beer all over me as I stand on the corner desk in the office.

"Now where's that redhead from sales?"

By shoving Mike Tyson.

Find me some of those cans of Whoop Ass in aisle two.

By stunning the President of the United States of America.

Another little known fact about Steve Austin Day; it is said that at 3:16 AM and 3:16 PM spirit guides will be attempting to contact you. Sounds like bullshit, right? Well, some people actually believe this bullshit, so who am I to say?

And to be fair, if/when 316 Day becomes a recognized holiday, I am perfectly fine giving back another bobo holiday. There are already too many, anyway. Gimme 316 Day, and I'll return one of those useless holidays, like Arbor Day or Valentine's Day. Sounds fine ta me.

So pop open a couple of them Steveweisers and toast the ol' Texas Rattlersnake on his....no, OUR big day.

See y'all on 619 Day!

Wednesday, March 7, 2018

Someone Called Me Good Looking Today

You wanna play a game? I wanna play a game. 
"My good man, where is the rotgut rum?"

As I was walking into a place, a woman was walking out. She took a look at me, did a quick inhale then said, “Man, aren’t you good looking?”

Where was I walking to?

b         Gym
        Liquor store

Do you really even need a minute to figure this one out?  The liquor store. Of course it was the liquor store. The same damn liquor store that serves me no matter how banged the fuck up I am.

So, there I was, like the rest of us schmucks. Yet another winter storm was coming in, and like the rest of suburbia, I have to have enough booze to mollify myself for a night. I was walking in as a woman was walking out. Now, I would like to say this was a 22 year old super model walking out, but the truth is it was an older woman. That point doesn’t bother me because, because the real take away here is someone found me attractive.

What I get when I GIS "22 year old hot model."

Does the point bother me that this was at a liquor store where they notoriously serve any drunk ass that stumbles in? No, because this woman was clearly sober. I don’t care who finds me attractive. She could have been blind with a cane and a service dog, and I would be equally as stoked she said it. This hot mess ain’t got no room to be picky.

To this random woman, thank you. Thank you for making my day, and just giving me that little extra boost of confidence that a lonely night of drinking can’t quite provide. Readers, take note, just one act of kindness, one slight push of karma can make a difference. Also, take note that good things really can happen at the liquor store. Maybe not to your liver, but certainly to your ego.

Sunday, February 11, 2018

Turns Out I'm Something Called an Introvert, So You Gotta Deal With It

I hate people.

In all of my years writing, I don’t know that I’ve ever opened up with a more honest statement.

Here’s a confession. I am shy. Too shy. Deathly shy. 
I know some of you are probably disagreeing with this, but bear with me as I explain. I am shy to the point of awkwardness. And I am sure my awkwardness has led many to believe I am gruff/stiff/weird/odd. And I don’t disagree with that. For me, there is no bigger dread than walking into a big room full of strangers, even if we all share a common interest. I can’t do small talk; I suck at it. “So…uh…hey…how about all that…..weather. And stuff. Crazy….sun….and barometric pressure. Um…did you see those clouds yesterday? Crazy, man.” Fucking shoot me. I feel the room closing around me, like I am the lone, shy human amongst a crowd of socially at ease zombies. And they’re going to eat my brains. And probably still be hungry.

To be honest, I’m one of those types that has more of “the feels” for animals (OK, dogs, mostly. Definitely not cats.) than for people. Just how black is my heart? Whenever I see those posters of all those missing kids, I feel nothing. Like, literally, nothing. But if I see a handwritten sign for a lost dog, I go to pieces. One time in my neighborhood, I saw a sign on a telephone pole that a little girl lost her turtle. And I actually went looking for the GD turtle! Also, protip here; don’t go calling for turtles, turns out they don’t have ears.

Good at finding Turtles.
I was shy all through school and college. I was never popular-surprise! Everyone just seemed so far ahead and ‘grown up’ and confident. Meanwhile, I was off in the corner at all the school dances, wondering why the hell I would even go to dances. I can’t dance. So let’s see; not attractive-check, can’t talk-check, can’t dance-check. So let’s just go to the dance so I can totally destroy what little self esteem I had. And these were supposed to be my good years? Doomed from the start, I tell ya.

It doesn’t help I am horrible with names. I’m pretty good with faces. Still, faces are scary because they have mouths that can open and talk and sneeze and call me by my name. What sorcery is this? I open my mouth, and gibberish comes out. Or a loud belch. Usually, it’s a loud belch. Sometimes, it smells like lunch.

I don’t know how to change it, I don’t know how to get more “social.” At times, it bothers me I am this far in life and have the social skills of a dull two year old. I should know how to have a polite conversation with a fellow human, yet this skill continues to evade me. I must have made some kind of subconscious deal to trade conversational skill for barely talented writer. They both have the same result; barely anyone hears me.

i am shy
Yeah, asshole.

One of the beauty things about FB and the Net is that you can find just about any group to accept your flaws and shortcomings, give it a name, and suddenly, you’re the victim, and the world better cater to you. For example, turns out I was never deathly shy. And I’m not even an asshole! Turns out I am something called an “introvert” and there’s all kinds of memes and pointed quotes to make me feel comfortable. The world should acquiesce to my short comings and flaws. There’s actually many articles on how to deal with introverts. See, I am actually so deep and complex, I need an instruction manual! Better yet, there are lots more of these “introverts,” though we probably won’t get together to talk about it. 

The funny thing about putting any label on yourself is that it defines you. In my case, I’m an “introvert” and it’s perfectly acceptable to live inside my comfortable little box and stay here. That’s kind of what introverts do. And now this label makes it totally acceptable to stay introverted and stay inside my house and binge watch shows or read books or write blogs. I can wear whatever I want and go to bed whenever I want. Even my introvert self can recognize this behavior is socially retarded. I will always be an introvert if I stay an introvert. Nothing changes if nothing changes, and I’m OK with that.

Speaking of FB, we’ve all seen the picture of the log cabin. You’re asked if you could live in the cabin for 30 days with no wifi and no TV. And here’s where my shyness is hardcore. Every dipshit comments that they would live there, like the point is to say no. And here’s where I’m different; I could actually do it. The idea of being in the woods (actually, I’d prefer a shack on the water, choosy beggar am I) alone in a house (if it was a tent, no deal) sounds like heaven for introvert me. I would have a much better sleep pattern. I would bring every book and magazine (starting with all the unread Men’s Fitness from 2015) with me. I would bring my iPod-yes, I said iPod-that has months of music on it that I would happily listen to.

i am shy
Wait. These are the neighbors!? 60. I can do 60 days. Easy.

Also, I think we’re all assuming this mythological cabin will have some creature comforts. Running hot water. Fridge. A decent bed, ooh maybe a hammock hung up in the corner! Electricity. Can I at least get Sirius? And some sort of oven or microwave? It’s not like I’m gonna be out hunting like a dirty caveman, but I’m at least going to assume there is a Wawa or something near by. Hell, there will probably be 3 Starbucks in the middle of the woods. I can snake their wifi.

No one to talk to. No one to impress or pass judgement on me. No discussions about the weather, which, by the way for the sake of this trial is assumed to be perfect. No deal if it’s not sunny and 70. I would look forward to going out into nature some days: running, walking, hiking, urinating. Maybe get up early a few mornings to see a sunrise or two. See the stars and moon with no light pollution for the big, bad city. My only real worry will be dodging the serial killers all the movies told me populate the woods.

"You getting the hockey game in that cabin?"

OK, so for shits and giggles (and wouldn’t the term shits and goggles be more appropriate? Just sayin’.) let’s just put this “introvert” label on me. Does it define me? Does it make sense? Does it explain anything? Does anybody remember laughter?

Writing is a moneyless hobby I enjoy. It can excite me, and I can stay awake half the night working out a topic I think can be funny. One of the things I enjoy most about writing is it’s all me. I do the writing, I do the editing. (This post was originally 5,000 words long.)  I choose the pictures and come up with the captions. If it’s witty, it’s because of me. If it’s enjoyable, it’s because of me. If it sucks, it’s because of me. If it’s not funny, well then quite frankly, that’s your piss poor sense of humor, ya dickwad ya. And it’s something I do totally alone. Usually with curtains drawn. So, hmmm, maybe there is a part of this “introvert” thing I should be paying attention to? OK, let’s keep going.

Another joyless hobby of mine is going to the gym. It’s my release, my escape, my therapy. I put my headphones on, then proceed to lift barely heavy things in an effort to not crush my body. The risk of benching 70 pounds is quite detrimental if my girly wrists give out and it crushes my larynx. Sometimes, my biggest challenge is to not scream like a girl when I’m benching 70 pounds. And, BTW 70 pounds is 31.7 kilos for my international readers. Still as impressive, no? But, GD, if that isn’t another thing I enjoy doing alone.

OK, so maybe some of this may fit me. As with any new theory, there are other terms to it to further apply to oneself. Here’s one I like; introvert hangover. Wow I can be sick of people, too! I’m all in now!  OK, unlike the clear fallacy that is hype like ADHD, I actually kinda believe this one. Am I not the only one, when after spending a night with a bunch of people, go to bed feeling like a semi just ran them over? And I wasn’t even drinking? I totally get that. How many of us have said, “I am so tired of people?”

People are dicks. They’re mean, fake, shallow, greedy, unappreciative, dumb. I don’t like being around people because I feel they are judging me. And being an introvert can easily lead them to. I have been an introvert long enough, that it has bred this attitude of “fuck you.” I have just gotten beyond the point of feeling the need to be liked. Face it, life is littered with fake people, just like FB is. A wise man one told me, “I yam what I yam.” And that’s how I feel about me. If you like me, cool. If you don’t like me, that’s cool, too. I’m fine either way. 

But does this make being an introvert OK? Is it OK that I stay in my little box of shyness? Shouldn’t I want to be meeting new people? Shouldn’t I be the life of every party? Shouldn’t I be more knowledgeable about world events, current topics? Shouldn’t I be able to easily discuss how earth-shatteringly cool my job is? Or the last book I read? The last freaking awesome blog I wrote? Or the last movie I saw? (Which was Jigsaw by the way, and a worthy continuation to the series. On second thought, do people really wanna know I actually think that?) The last show I binge watched?

Face it, technology has conspired to make even the most extroverted behave like us introverts. And yes, I just became the flag bearer for introverts. Ya think any of ‘em are gonna stop me? Look no further than your phone. Look at all the wonder it has brought us. I can order a pizza without talking to a soul. If I drank coffee, I can put my ostentatious order in this miracle machine without saying a word. The warehouse club can have my entire order waiting for me. Yes, I need the multi pack of KY.

Instead of talking to the few brave souls in my “tribe” I can type a few words into this magic box and voicelessly communicate with them. If I was cool, I guess I could Snap them or Insta them, but I ain’t gots that kinda time. Point being, all that technology is awesome and readily available to us on our phone. Our phone. The thing we actually used to use to talk to these people. Progress!

I think this all successfully diagnoses me as an introvert. I know I’m not a doctor, but I’ve watched enough doctor porn to at least pick up a few things. WebMD can also be a legitimate help. In fact, I’m going there now to diagnose this shooting pain and numbness in my left arm. I am sure it is nothing. It's not like I'm actually gonna go see a doctor or anything...

Sunday, January 21, 2018

Eagles Win; The Best NFC Conference Game Jokes

Before I get to all the jokes, just a serious thought; how is shit like this NOT the biggest story in sports? Talk about class acts. And this has been going on since the Bills Mafia flooded Andy Dalton's charity. All these fans paying it forward to enemy players should be the lead story in every sports report. Despite any asshole behavior from any football fans today, please read this and find some reassurance there are actually decent people out there.

Viking Fans Donate 200K to Saints Punter Morstead's Foundation

"I triple dog dare you."

They are literally putting Crisco on light poles in Philadelphia to keep Eagles fans from climbing them. The multitude of the city’s fat strippers heard to say, “Yo, we got this.”

The city’s 17 Sixers fans are asking, “What is a conference championship?”

For those of you that don’t know, Philadelphia actually has a pro basketball team named the 76ers. 

Yes, I know this is news to me, too. I always thought the Sixers were the team that always lost to the Globe Trotters.

Vikings fans got to Philly early, and did the SKOL chant on the art museum steps. They were actually shocked to find out Philadelphia had a museum.

I've heard both teams' fight songs, and they are equally as horrible.

First result for "hot Eagles girl"
And the GIS for "hot Vikings girl"
Live look in at me now
Aaaand I'm done....
Saints fans still salty about last week's loss, claim game was predetermined. No wonder WreslteMania is there in April.

Anyone think the NFL made Philly the night game so it will look more picturesque as it burns?

At approx 3 o'clock, there has already been a fight in the Philly parking lot. Philly fans getting a jump on being classy. I did not see any Viking fans in the video.

And now they're throwing beers at Vikes fans as they walk into the game. Not surprisingly, the Vikes fans aren't struck as Philly fans wrists are far too limp to throw a beer.

If someone could make a "anyone but the Eagles" profile frame for Facebook, it would be fire. FI-UR.

The definition of throwing gas on a fire is giving Philly fans all day to drink.

Mike Zimmer is wearing glasses to protect his eyes from batteries.
2018 eagles vikings jokes and memes
"I'm wise to you, Philadelphia."
"It will get better, bro."
"I know, bro."
Philly fans are wearing dog masks at the game. That's about the only way they can make themselves attractive.

Anyone ever seen Case Keenum and Daniel Bryan in the same room?

Everyone is making a big deal about Keenum and Foles in the Conference final. But what are the odds two former Dallas QBs would be calling the games?

That girl that eats the Skittles pox is the skankiest thing I've seen. And I've seen a lot.

By the way, the Nets beat the Pacers by a point today. If you care about that sort of thing.

Keenum throws for a TD; Iggles fans immediately threaten his family.

This is Nick Foles with his wife Tori

This is Case Keenum with his wife Kim

Are there any movies where entire cities don't get destroyed? Looking at you Rampage. And Pacific Rim. And Avengers. And any other super hero movie. 

At 6:42 of the first, I have more yards going to the fridge than the Iggles have. BTW, the Iggles have zero yards at this point.

Case Keenum throws his 2nd TD. To the Eagles. Motherf.....

Can't AT&T bring Lily back to compete with the annoying Verizon guy?
2018 NFC championship jokes
"You hear me now?"
Speaking of girls in commercials, anyone else kinda finding her appealing?
2018 NFC game jokes
"Wanna check my pants?"

Eagles score TD, go up 14-7. You can literally feel football fans rolling their eyes saying, "Not this. Not them."

Wait, the Simpsons isn't gonna be on tonight?

Is it just me, or does Case Keenum's neck disappear when he puts his helmet on?

Keenum gets hit, fumbles, turns it over. Budweiser sales surge in the stadium.

Eagles fans celebratory posts on FB starting to contain more more more misspelled words. Vikes fans too busy chewing their fingernails to type anything.

Anyone else missing Tony Siragusa these days? Yea, I didn't think so.

Foles avoids defenders, uncorks TD throw to Jeffery. Um, what's the plan for this game again?

Eagles fans seen googling 'Minnesota' so they know how to spell it correctly when looking for flights and rooms.

It's a good thing Prince isn't around to see this mess.

Kristina Pink totally sounds like a stripper name.

Eagles up by 17 at half. Motherf....

Seeing Larry Fitzgerald in all these commercials 'between games' and it's no wonder the Cardinals sucked this year.

Brett Favre just put his old Vikes jersey on and is standing by in case the phone rings. His family is worried about him.

Eagles run trick play on third down and score. Philly fans losing what little shit they had. Brady watching the game and saying, "Pikers. Been there."

Mike Vick can go fuck himself, and no, I will not let it go.

If the Eagles do win this game, this will one of those Super Bowls where the rest of the country wants neither team to win.

Vikes can't convert a 4th and goal. If you know any Minnesota fans, you might wanna check in on them now.

I'm shocked there haven't been drunken Eagles fans running on the field. The Vikes probably couldn't stop them, either.

If it's possible to save some points for the next game, ya might wanna do that Birds.

Eagles up 24 at the beginning of the 4th. Philly cops seen putting on riot gear. Philly cop horses also putting on riot gear.

Eagles score again. There's a fight on the PAT. It does not stop the badass Philly cheerleaders from running out onto the field. At this point, the cheerleaders could probably whup the Vikings.

Speaking of Eagles cheerleaders
This game is so bad, I'm actually GIS hot Eagles cheerleaders. But I'm not complaining.
The rest of the county is thinking, "Shit, two more weeks of Eagles fans."

Lotta Tide Pods challenges going on in Minny right now.

The safest place to be in Philadelphia tonight is in a helicopter.

Every hooligan criminal in Philadelphia will be wearing one of those German Shepherd masks.

If the Viking fans are being quiet, it's only because they are planning on how to torture the Eagles when they're staying in Minneapolis.

I thought this was the plan.

Marcus Williams is all like, "See?! I told you! Don't blame me."

Historians are now taking what are termed "before" pictures of Philadelphia.

We're well into garbage time, why do you have Nick Foles still playing?

Speaking of garbage time, whatever happened to Katie Nolan?
I don't know what's more horrible, this Vikings team today or Eagles owner Jeffrey Lurie trying to dance with his team.

Time to watch Philly burn.