Tuesday, August 15, 2017

#VoteForKev2020; Campaign Slogans

Look, I don’t get very political on my social media. Many of you do, and that’s fine. It seems most of my social media streams have been political, especially after this Trump press conference (Which I did not watch. But I saw enough headlines ferreted around all the articles, I’m pretty sure I got a firm grasp.) I can’t imagine you will ever get much political thought from me; and honestly, my ‘talent’ and style is everything to drag you away from the real world for a few paragraphs and hopefully a few laughs. Does anyone remember laughter? Seeing all the angst on the socials tonight was like a big ol’ Bat signal that we all needed to have a brief laugh amidst all this rancor.

No, not this kind of Rancor, the other angrier, non Star Wars kind of rancor.

A few months ago, at the end of one of my blogs you all read and thought hilarious but never freaking bothered to tell me, I floated the hash tag #VoteForKev2020. So, while I was showering tonight, I got a great idea for a quick and dirty blog that can lighten the mood of America for just a brief moment. And, yes, most of my great ideas come to me in the bathroom.

Anywhoo, if I do decide to formally launch a candidacy for President, I guess there would be some forms or something I’d have to fill out at the library or post office. But what good is filling out a form if I don’t at least have some catchy campaign slogans? That’s like more than half the battle, right? So here’s what I’ve come up with to sway all the yahoos in the swing states.

Someone who can unite both parties in their common disdain of me.

I can’t do any worse. Like, literally, I can’t do any worse.

I am pretty sure I can make a federal holiday each out of man crush Monday and woman crush Wednesday.

#WCW is also hump day. probably not a coincidence. 

I can’t golf.

Surrounded by people who will actually know what they’re doing.

They call him….The Unfucker.

Keeper of promises. A real promise keeper. But not like those creepy Promise Keepers. A promise keeper in a not creepy way.

Better hair for a better America.

He has a dog!

Identifies with the youth of America. Especially the college girls.

Patriots. Also, #WCW

A race fan, but not a racist.

Another reason to hate Jr.

He pretty much hates everyone equally.

Knows how to handle the North Korea problem because he saw The Interview. Twice.

Something, something, both sides, both sides.

Has no problem showing you his emails, though they are mostly about penis enlargement.

Will release his tax records. As well as his debut calypso record!

Easily the best man for the job. Especially if his opponent is another broad.

He was the President of the Queensryche fan club, so he’s pretty sure he can run America.

If you can find a better candidate, then you should probably vote for them, you Commie pinko bastard.

Promises to open up Area 51.

Has no skeletons in his closet, but a few beneath his parents’ basement.

Bravely instituting an idiot tax.

Once won an argument with a woman.

He’s the man for our times. Or at least the next 4 years.

Supports single moms, ifyaknowwhatImean.

You knew what I meant.

Never murdered anyone.

Protecting America from the Bobadook.

Alt music, not alt right/left.

A master debater.

I’m with him.

A drinker like the rest of us.

Go ahead and judge, but this is the demographic that will get me into the Oval Office.

His parents would vote for him.

Ignorance of international affairs = fresh eyes and new ideas.

The Cure for Idiocy.

You don’t learn if you don’t make mistakes. He’s hungry to learn.

Putting the rum in decorum.

Saturday, August 12, 2017

Unplugged: Why It's OK To Take a Vacation From Your Phone

Look, I hate writing these ‘voice of reason’ posts. You guys all expect me to have a point, an experience, or an idea and to express it rather hilariously. Recently, I have identified an issue that is a huge epidemic, yet no one seems to talk about it or discuss it. There is an issue slowly killing us all, and I hate to be the one to bring up. I am sure CNN, Fox News, Time and all other sorts of media –both fake and real- will be placing their interview requests for me after I bring this up, but here we go.

The stockiest of stock photos I could find.


I recently-like literally just a few scant hours ago-returned from a week long vacation. More than any other year, I felt grateful to just even have the opportunity to spend a week at my favoritest place in the world; the beach. Not everyone has this opportunity. Now maybe you are one of those freaks who doesn’t love the beach. That’s OK, though a bit mind boggling to me. But I am willing to bet you DO have a place you go to that relaxes, recharges, refocuses, inspires, chills, calms, heals, excites you. Maybe it’s a week camping or hiking or skiing, whatever; you do have your happy place. I just prefer some bikini girls be hanging around my happy place.

Anyone know what dafuq beach this is?

This phone epidemic hit me especially as I made my two annual boardwalk runs. As I ran-poorly, awkwardly and slowly-the numbers of people/zombies who were mindlessly lost in their phones on a fanfreakingtastic summer morning next to the ocean was staggering. Aside from the personal safety standpoint of being surrounded by a bunch of runners and bikers, these people were oblivious. Trust me, the thought hit me more than once that if I barreled through some of these morons like I was a bad guy running away in an action movie. I would be doing the world a favor and teaching a very valuable lesson. This attitude is also exactly why I could never be a teacher.

its OK to take a vacation from your phone

Though a bit off topic but related to running, here’s another pro tip, ya shoobies; recently, shrewd developers have taken to building “outlet” shopping centers near vacation spots. Here’s the dirty truth; very few of these stores are true “outlets” and most are just a store for that brand. It’s pretty much the same shit you can buy back at home for the same price. Still, this doesn’t deter the vacationing masses from descending on these “outlet” stores like hawks on prey. Just because you suddenly think you can now afford Under Armour doesn’t mean you should go buy it. For example, the few days I did drag myself to run on the boardwalk, I saw tons of out of towners wearing brand new Under Armour stuff. And by the way some of these blobs looked, I really though the UA stood for UnActive. Just because you can buy it, doesn’t mean you should wear it. Full disclosure, there was one day I just happened to be wearing mostly UA stuff, and I did not run any faster or feel less like shit when my horrible run was over. My moobs, though, did appreciate the additional support. So, what was I saying? Oh yea…


“Hey, Tom, how was your vacation?”
“Great, Fred! Stared at my phone all day!”

While I was on vacation, I saw people texting in no less than four different dangerous positions:
I could only hope they were texting Darwin, because we need to clear the herd of such dipshits.

Now I can already hear some of you sissymaries whining. “But I use my phone for important stuff! I was calling the sitter! I was texting my husband! My mom called so of course I let it go straight to voicemail and now I’m just seeing what she wanted!” Look, I get in some cases it is a necessary call or text to make sure Jaws didn’t make off with your dog and your kids. But when you’re lost in your phone for extended periods of time, you’re losing what’s around you.

I consciously made the decision to unplug as much as I could. No email, no socials, no score checking. And you know what? It was awesome! The sun came up and the world spun around and I saw a lot more of it than the doofus glued to his phone.

I stayed off the book of Face as much as possible. I posted exactly 2 statuses to FB, neither one vacation based. And on those rare times I did log in –thanks to slow ass bartenders- you know what I missed? Absolutely nothing. The same cat pictures, the same political posts, the same piss-in-my-Cheerios posts.
So predictable. If anything, I had a sudden twinge of guilt over not posting my usual brilliance. All my poor friends, crying out for my witty posts to make FB all worth it wallowing in literally the same shit every freaking day. Though, that twinge quickly disappeared as a cold one appeared. Yay beer!

And speaking of drinking while on vacation, I felt no urge whatsoever to post the same picture everybody else does. Pop quiz, hot shot; is this picture of a beer like looking liquid in an unmarked glass from an exotic bar or the shithole down the street?

Q; From a legendary bar in County Cork or the dumpy TGI Fridays in the mall?
A No one cares.

Like, seriously, rookie, knock this shit off. More pro tips from your pal Kev. Your friends should thank me.

Being on the beach is no less different. I didn’t even bring my phone. Yet there were plenty of jabronis who stared at a 4 inch screen instead of the ocean RIGHT FUCKING IN FRONT OF THEM. And not just the twatty girls you’d expect, but every type of moron. Me, I brought my iPod and this thing called a book-not with pages to color but to read! (I know, I know, my white socks were pulled up to my knees and my walker was next to me. I know I’m sounding all old man here, but you know I am right regardless.) Beautiful weather, sun out, the ocean in front of you, sandy toes, ocean breeze-but I guess these dipshits gotta check their Foursquare or look for deals on eBay or what not. Can people buy a clue on eBay yet?

So here’s my point. It’s OK to unplug from your phone and social media. In fact, it’s really healthy. You don’t have to document every single thing on your vacation. Newsflash-most of us could give two smelly shits about your GD vacation. So not only do us a favor, but more so for yourself-put the phone away and live in these moments. Trust me, I assure you there will be a time and it may be sooner rather than later-that you wish you could be in your happy place; the sounds, the smells, the sights. Those are the things I am holding onto from this vacation. Don’t spend this time checking in on a meaningless baseball or preseason football game. Your teams suck, anyway. The people you follow on social media who don’t even follow you back don’t appreciate you are wasting your precious vacation time looking at their pictures. You can do that at work, but don’t let this week slip from you. The end of vacation is a brutal bastard.

Monday, July 17, 2017

Kevolution Theory; The News Channel

There I was, 11 at night. I had just finished watching the Impractical Jokers channel. What, you don’t have that channel? It used to be called Tru TV, but every time I click on by, it’s IJ. I’m not complaining though. But, GD, am I sick of the Law and Order channel. Talk about bumming yourself out.

Every time I turn on the local news, it’s the same damn thing. Shootings, police lights, political moves that make you scratch your head. The formula never changes. It’s not news, it’s bad news. Turn on any of the 24 hour “news” channels, and it’s ridiculous. I turn on one channel and the issue is A. B and C. I turn on another news channel, and the same issue is presented as strictly X, Y and Z. Throw in the bullshit links people seem to like on their social media, and it’s no wonder we don’t know what to think.

This needs to change. I think, quite honestly, there needs to be a Kevolution of how and what news is presented. It got me to thinking-how would I change the news? How would I do it so it is more appealing, not so doom and gloom?
"Am I needed here?"
Why do they have to be negative stories? Why does it have to be about people dying, or overdosing or being stupid? Why can’t it be good, positive, inspirational, encouraging news? I’m not talking about that bullshit, hippy dippy drivel that one friend always posts on FB like nature quotes and bullshit. What if the news was actually about good people doing good things for other people? What if the top story was about a good person doing a good deed? What if it was actually news you could use?

My dream co-anchor. Coincidentally, also wearing my dream apron. I never even knew I had a dream apron.

What if the news really gave you an alternative view? What if the news was respectable? What if it was actually good news? What if it was actually honest? This is a lot to ask of the media these days, and there’s not too many brilliant minds who could redefine the news. In fact, I can only think of one such brilliant mind. Me. 
Beat it, Huey, I'm taking over here.

So I sat down, and started writing out just what and how I would do it. And this is the formula I came up with. For one of the few times in KT history, are you ready to NOT be offended? Here’s my vision.

Hello, all and welcome to Kevolution Unfiltered News Television. That’s right the KUN…. (Nope, No, No, Wait a minute. Nope. No. OK, so I’ll work on the title later) Here’s how a typical news cast would go.

Your Esteemed and Well Respected Journalist and Host- Kev O’Lucien. (Ok, so that’s not my actual name, but you would be surprised how many well established news journalists have stage names. Like, did you know Dan Rather’s real name is Oleg Kavorskiwich? Really, go look it up.)

Kev O’Lucien-Hello everyone and welcome to the 11 o’clock news. I am your host, the esteemed and well respected Kev O’Lucien. A pleasant evening to you. And right now, the big story is- (dramatic pause) PUPPIES!

KO-Would you like to help out other homeless dogs? And, OK, maybe a cat or 2? The shelter is full of them, and they would add so much to your life. So go open up your cold, black heart.

KO-Our next story, is about unhealthy people who got healthy. 

KO-Good job, guys! Very inspiring. Almost makes up for the shitty music. And lack of detail how they actually did it. I guess we'll roll part two tomorrow. And now, it’s time for the weather, take it away, Hot Weather Girl!

HWG (with attitude)-Um, I have a name, Kevin.

KO-I’m sure you do. But we really want to know is- what the weather is going to be like for the weekend? 

HWG (pulls out her phone to look at weather app) Well, Kevin, it’s the middle of July, so it’s what us meteorologists like to call ‘seasonal’. It might get really hot for a few days, then cool down. If you see clouds, there might be some rain. That’s what my Kevolution News weather app tells me. Get the app for free now on Android, you iPhone users can shove it up your pretentious ass. This getting all dressed up and giving you the forecast every damn night seems pointless when your lazy ass can look up the weather literally any time you want. And back to you, Kevin. (Pause.) And back to you, Kevin. (Another pause.) STOP LOOKING AT MY BOOBS, KEVIN!

One day to write this post, 8 days GIS 'hot weather girl.' These Spanish channels got it going on.

KO (calmly)-Thanks for the update, Hot Weather Girl. Now time for sports. To you, Sports Guy who doesn’t look like a jock at all.

SG (quickly looks at his phone)-Partial score tonight-Notre Dame 6. (Ok, that’s an old George Carlin bit. I’ve been listening a lot to his channel on SXM. Even though he has been gone for some time now, a lot of his material still holds up today.)

SG-Really, do you need more than the hometeam score? Look, it’s the summer, and the local baseball team sucks. But you know what? There’s a big ol’ world of sports that ain’t the “big four.” If you want that, then please go watch channel 6s sports cast. Here, we’re gonna go over NASCAR. And MMA. And lacrosse. You guys ever see this X Games stuff? That shit is gnarly! Hell, tomorrow is my in depth look at Lucha Underground. If you think soccer is boring, have you ever seen it played in the sand? Totally different! And all this-and even more!-can be found on the Kevoluton News app. Download for all your Android enabled devices.

KO-Thanks, Sports Guy. Hey, do you know the Weekend Sports Guy? That guy looks like he played football. Or at least lifts. The sports seems a bit more authentic coming from him than a pencil neck like you.

SG (tries to hide look of shame)

KO-Speaking of lifting, I hope you saw our earlier story on transformations. For more on how to get healthier, here’s Health Reporter Girl. I think she might have been a nurse at one time. Take it away, Health Reporter Girl.

GIS 'hot tv reporter girl' lead me to this internet celebrity. She's French and probably doesn't even report on heatlh, but hey, man, close enough. She is tres caliente.

HRG-Do you want to be healthier? Here’s a few tips you’ve probably heard a billion times by now, but have always ignored. This isn’t rocket science, people. Eat better. More fruits and veggies, less Skittles and Cheetos. Try a NutriBullet. Exercise. Maybe go to the pound from our first story and get a new best friend who will keep you active. Join a gym or any physical activity you find fun. Wallyball. Foxy boxing. Train for mud runs. And ladies, protein will not make you bulky. Join group work out classes. Thanks, and I’ll be back tomorrow to say the exact same thing till you get it through your thick skulls. Back to you, Kevin. (Pause.) Back to you, Kevin. (Pause.) STOP STARING AT MY BOOBS!    
KO-Speaking of boob jobs, here’s a list of some local job fairs. If you are unemployed or under employed, here are a few job fairs for different fields. Please note, none of these job fairs offer anything for blog writers because those dipshits never make any money. Here’s current affairs reporter –how many damn reporters do we need, anyway-with a report about current affairs. Over to you, Current Affairs Guy.

CAG-Look, we try to stay away from the negative stuff here, but since we care about you viewers, here’s few tips to survive the impending health care collapse. Get solid health care coverage for yourself and dependents. If you can’t, then may God have mercy on your soul. By the way, the soul is now actually a pre-existing condition. Fortunately, this isn’t a problem for all these dickhead politicians, because they have no soul to begin with. Back to you, Kevin.

KO-Great stuff there. Solid, really top notch. That vague and generic tip to “get solid healthcare” doesn’t even need further explanation. Word to my mother. If you don’t have anything to do but read idyllic blogs this weekend, here’s a list of free and low cost activities like museums, hikes, adult education classes, meet ups and bar crawls.

Now, let’s hear from a local visionary who has a truly brilliant idea.

KO Wow, that guy is sharp. Genius. Keep an eye on that kid. I like the cut of his jib.

SG (off mic but still heard in background) He probably doesn't even know what a jib is.
KO We'll have more Kevolution Theory News after you watch this and we do shots in the studio.

Cut to a few commercials, then a public service announcement.

The following is a public service announcement-PUT THE FUCKING PHONE DOWN AND PAY ATTENTION TO THE WORLD AROUND YOU.

KO-And we’re back, with one last look at weather, where I can’t imagine anything has drastically changed in the last 14 minutes.

HWG-No, tomorrow the sun will rise and set like I forecasted.
Clearly, most of my budget will be going to the hot weather girls.

KO-Sports Guy, anything from you?

SG-Yes, another late breaking score; the away team 17.

KO-Thanks for watching the news. 

Monday, July 3, 2017

June 40th

Wait, it’s almost the 4th of July already? Wasn’t it just like Memorial Day? Why does the time between Memorial Day and the 4th seem to fly by? Even if you’re sober. It’s just not fair, it’s just not right. We need more summer. We need more beach, pool, coolers, Frisbee, hiking, hammocks, suntan lotion. . We need more time here, we need a longer summer. So I have come up with an idea-June 40st. Who doesn’t want a longer summer? More time for pool parties and BBQs. More time for college girls to take bikini pics on Insta. And I am pretty sure this will benefit the farmers as well. Someone track down Willie Nelson and Neil Young, and I believe they will agree with me. I think they’re currently splitting the Chairman of Agriculture position.
You DO know what this is the source picture for, right?

We all know summer gets the short shrift anyway. Doubt me? Go into any store like Target or Bed Bath & Beyond. Up until July 4th, everything in the front of the store is all about summer; BBQ supplies, patio stuff, American flags, etc. I assure you, come July 5th, all that shit is GONE. Even worse, it’s replaced by the dreaded Back To School BS. Look, I want all those little rugrats out of my way whenever I venture out into the general public, but even a miser like me says this is too much. Give the kids a summer fer chrissakes!

Yup, so I am proposing we add 10 (ten) days onto June. It makes perfect sense, as most of my whacked out ideas do. Who doesn’t want an extra ten days of summer? It’s win win!

Kevin, you just can’t arbitrarily add ten days to the calendar, it doesn’t work that way. You have to take the 10 days from somewhere else.

Whoa, who dafuq let you into the bathroom? I’m taking a dook, writing this shit out (like, literally). And you want an explanation? Ok, fine. We’ll get rid of the week between the Pro Bowl and the Super Bowl. Nothing gets done that week, anyway. Unless you live in Philadelphia, Cleveland or Buffalo.

That date always changes. You can’t take a week that always moves.

Really? You’re splitting hairs, here. OK. We’ll take the week from February. That’s the shortest month anyway. No one will notice. Hell, if I can even work it to get rid of Valentine’s Day, even better.

Ugh. Brilliance is always met with resistance. Go with me here, folks.
This still doesn’t make any sense. Plus you’re talking about adding ten days, but only replacing a week. There’s still three other days to deal with. 

UUGGHHHH. Can’t we just add ten days to the calendar? Who said the Greeks got it right, anyway? The 4th of July is when- the 4th of July? In the old June, that’s 4 days after the last day of June-the 30th. So, new June will now absorb that date, and the 4th of July will be celebrated on June 34th. You pinko commies want to fight me on that one? Happy June 34th America!

Now every year is 374 days.

OK, hotshot, what about Leap Years?

What am I, am mathematician here? Look, we’ll have three years to figure that shit out. I’ll have top men working on it. Top men.

summer fun
Kev's Warehouse of Whacked Out Ideas

We can’t NOT afford to do this. Here’s what not having the extra 10 days of summer looks like.

Pretty bleak, huh?

Now here’s what those 10 extra days of summer looks like.
Frolicking like a boss.
summer fun

"I would like to have your hot buns as well." 

10 extra days of summer
Something smells fishy here.
OK, fine a little eye candy for my 2 female readers as well.

I swore I'd never put selfies of me on my blog, but here we are.

Gettin' my swole on. (And what's the deal with the hair on the guy in the bottom right?)
Very nice,
You're welcome, ladies.

Still, you can’t just add 10 extra ten days. You have to be, like the President or something.

President? Look, I’m just a dopey white guy with bad hair and no prior experience. But “president’ you say….hmm….


Wednesday, June 28, 2017

Everybody Is Not Crazy About a Sharp Dressed Man; My Day In a Tux

I hate tuxes. (I was once told in a writing class I never took, that your first sentence should set up your piece. And I think that sentence is a pretty strong example of that.)

So I have to get a tux for a wedding I am going to. Did you get that? Not in, but going to. What horse shit is that? I could see if I was in the wedding party, fine. But to go to a wedding? I will have to eat three dinners and just move my chair to the bar to begin to recoup my losses here.

I don’t know whoever came up with the idea of the tuxedo. But if there is a hell, I hope they are there, suffering the worst eternal fate possible. Like, I don't know; WEARING A TUXEDO! While being forced to listen to Celine Dion. In French. Suffer, you sick bastard.

I don’t like tuxedos. I have only worn a tux a handful of times as I have been in a wedding or two. I actually didn't wear a tux to any of my proms. BECAUSE I DIDN'T GO! And I don’t care what those whiny ass bridesmaids say, tuxes are far more uncomfortable than whatever garish nonsense they are wearing.

how to wear a tux
"Testicles are not part of the deal."
First, the whole process is quite demeaning. You have to go to some hawty tawty store where some handsy little jerkoff has to measure you. They give you a generic white shirt to get your chest measurements. I am sure they wash it after every fitting. They also make you wear a pair of generic pants to get those measurements. Note to the fellas; don’t go to Men’s Wearhouse freeballing. They will NOT like the way you look. Then some dude will run a measuring tape over various parts of your body. I am sure the broad who is Wonder Woman didn't get man handled like I did. I told my guy to not make the chest too tight, as I still had some chest days to do before the wedding. He looked at me and said “Do you even lift, bro?” Asshole.

So let me get this straight. I will most likely wear an undershirt. Then a button down shirt. Then a vest. Then a suit jacket. Then turn the heat on in the oven by restricting any airflow with a tie. How is this comfortable? How is this sexy? I’m pretty sure if you put one of those ghost huntery type heat cams on me, my pits and FUPA would be red. No wonder overheating drunk guys often take off their ties and put it around their head Rambo style. They’re sweating their ass off. I feel like an onion, trapped under layers. As the night goes on, I am sure I will begin to smell like an actual onion.

At least hide a bunny in there or give me those never ending hankies in the pocket so I can do some tricks or something.  I will need a thirty minute head start just to open the door to fit though when I am finished. How does one feel comfortable with 18 layers of clothes on? I feel like the Rock says; “10 pounds of monkey crap in a 5 pound bag.” And who in the blue hell wants a five pound bag of monk…..

how to wear a tux
"Damn it, Rock! I walked right into that one."
And, o yea, by the way, some other rank dude just wore this same exact thing, so do you really think it’s clean? That thought will keep me up in my hotel room as I sleep in between sheets with my head on the pillow, drinking a glass of water that is also holding the remote control.

This is way too dressed up for me. I am out of my element. I feel most comfortable in flips, board shorts and a well-worn concert T. If I can ever find a job where that is the dress code, I think I will have found my calling. Until then, the only thing I can tell you is that is not the outfit to wear to any job interview. If only Career Builder told me that sooner.

And tuxes aside, why do we need the tie? What purpose does it serve? Is it supposed to cover up the buttons or something? It serves little purpose other than getting trapped in paper shredders and pulling the wearer into a gruesome, yet compact death. Have they done that yet in a Final Destination?

(I've never seen the movies, but I am pretty sure this is all the good parts.)

how not to wear a tux
"What's that? Aunt Cloris died? I'm ready."
I have exactly 6 ties

Fish tie-every guy has to own one 

A tie that is an actual piano that I won at Dave and Busters. Only cost me $67
A tie that lights up-for New Years Eve. And funerals, I guess
A Simpsons tie
A Loony Tunes Tie
A Jerry Garcia tie. What else the formal man needs, I do not know.

(Note; I don't know why the rest is formatted like this. But I am too lazy to change it, so just deal, huh?)

Look, I won’t bore you all the details. I went to the wedding. There were many other tools there, stuffed into ill-fitting tuxedos. We’d pass each other and silently nod, as if we were saying, “I feel you brother. You are not suffering alone here. And did you see the bozingas on the blonde bridesmaid? Woot woot!” 
how to wear a tux

I was hit on by almost every available girl at the reception, as well as a few of the “taken” girls. All because I had a tux on. OK, that is a lie. I didn’t get hit on at all, and three people thought I was a waiter. That’s OK, because I spit in their food anyway.

My shirt ended up falling out twice. I didn’t even use the cuff links, because who has time for that nonsense?  I took my jacket off, and walked around in the vest like I was some sort of hot shot Vegas card dealer. (I did make a cool 50 bucks playing the shell game.) My feet hurt in my shoes, so I ran around most of the night in socks. I found out the hard way the external pockets on the jacket were sewn shut when I tried to stuff some shrimp in there for the ride back to the hotel. And just because you are wearing a tux doesn’t mean you can pull off James Bond the bar when ordering your Malibu and diet “shaken, not stirred.”

The next day, I returned the tux. Now, you would think they would inspect such a fine garment from such a shady looking character, but they didn’t even bother. Guess they couldn’t smell the left over h'orderves in the pants pocket.

If you have ADD, you can follow me on the Twitter machine @ifyouseekev

DVD Bonus Material
Rejected Titles for This Post

No Tux Were Given This Day
How To Wear a Tux
How Not To Wear a Tux
Tuxedos Are For Cats and Penguins, Of Which I Am Neither
My Baby Fits Me Like a Flesh Tuxedo (massive internet points for anyone who gets that reference)
I Feel Like Taxidermy In My Tuxedo

Friday, June 23, 2017

How Live PD Got To Be My New Vice

I’m a man of many vices. Gambling. Gluttony. Miami. Girls who are above school girl age, but still dress like school girls. Rot gut rum. What was I talking about again? Some sort of devices?

How I Got Addicted to Live PDAs I sit, it’s Friday night, just past 8PM and I’m here staring at half naked college girls on Insta. How this differs from any other random weekday mornings is no different. Unless it’s Tequila Tuesday. Or Whiskey Wednesday. Don’t even get me started on Mouthwash Monday. All of this is probably why I haven’t posted a blog in a while. It’s always a party at the Theory Office. This is also probably why I’ve never made any money writing. But this is also probably why I get Xmas cards stuffed into empty bottles of rum from all the nearby liquor stores. So there’s that.

On any given Friday or Saturday night, you can probably find me at a bar. Or a party. Or in my backyard. But there will be a bottle of something near by. Occasionally, I will listen to my wuss liver, and be sober. Like tonight. And regardless if I’m shit faced or stone cold sober, there’s one thing I get great enjoyment in doing. And that’s watching other people fuck up for a change. To that end, the TV show Cops has always been a favorite of mine.

Cops is a great show. When I’m down and feeling blue, I find an episode and immediately feel better about myself. Because, I am at least not that knucklehead who just got busted on national TV. Everyone knows the show. It’s great ADD viewing, it’s like an anthology series without the creepy Crypt Keeper. Every story generally lasts 7-8 minutes. There’s a beginning, a middle and an end. And you’re on the way. Self esteem back to normal levels.

 Fox had a great idea for a TV show that was generally cheap; we’ll follow around cops as they do their job all day. Brilliant! Who doesn’t want to watch that? Let’s face it, we’ve always been drawn to police activity. Once you see those blue and red lights flashing in your street, you are intrinsically drawn to see WTF is going on. Did that weird neighbor finally kill his kids? Did the cats finally overpower the Crazy Cat Lady? 

Cops makes me feel better for two reasons. 1) There are actually brave ass men and women that will charge into the face of danger and risk their lives daily for people they don’t even know. 2) I’ve never done anything stupid enough to get arrested on national TV. And if that don’t make you feel better about your current point in life, at least you’re not that guy running around shirtless with the bad tattoos in the Save A Lot parking lot cranked on bath salts. #winningatlife

Cops is great Saturday night viewing. You’re most likely a beer or two into your evening. Probably heading out to meet some friends somewhere. It’s a pretty sobering reminder not to fuck up when you see some drunk running around topless in a Mickey D’s proclaiming they’re the “peace walker.” Or you’re just gonna sit home, have a few beers and let the TV rot the brain cells your Bud Lights aren’t already killing. “I’m just gonna watch other drunk/high jerk offs do incredibly stupid stuff and wallow in my buzz. And, hey, these are not my pants.”

I’ve often wondered about some of the perps on this show. I mean, how do you break it to work you once got arrested for soliciting a hooker in a sting operation? And the whole thing is on TV? Or how stupid does one have to feel for getting busted stealing things that are now worthless? I once saw an episode when they busted a couple for stealing video tapes from a Blockbuster. (You guys do know what video tapes and Blockbusters are, right?) Not only do you get busted for stealing a bunch of Schwarzenegger VHS tapes, but you get busted on national TV. And the show runs FOREVER. Can you imagine if you work with this guy today and never knew? There you are, watching an old episode of Cops, feeling all full of yourself. “Oh….oh my god! That’s Randy! Hey honey, come here! You know that tool at work I talk about all the time? Randy? He was arrested on Cops! For stealing video tapes! I can’t wait to tell everyone at work on Monday!” I mean, how stupid does Randy gotta feel? If he waited just a few more years and-boom!- all movies are free! Music, porn and books, too. Ah, Randy, you be feeling stupid now, son.

Along comes a show called Live PD on A&E. Essentially, some high paid exec just discovered Spike TV is 40% Cops reruns, and said, “Hey! I have an idea! Let’s rip off Cops, but we’ll do it live! And for three straight hours! Now someone order me my in ground pool with infinity edge!” Live PD is hosted by Dan Abrams, who is also the chief legal affairs anchor for ABC news and does not at all look pissed that he can’t get hammered at B Dubs on the weekends anymore.

I wonder what someone would do if they get busted on Live PD Friday night. I guess in some cases, they can bail out in the morning, but where do they go? Does their social media just become nothing but busting balls? “Hey, Tom, now I know why you missed brunch this morning, LOL!” “Tom, can I have your autograph, or at least your inmate number? LOL!” “Hey Tommy Boy! My meme generator is working overtime. See you Monday morning.” “Tom, stay away from my children.”

If you actually have a life on weekend nights, and don’t sit home watching TV and writing blogs no one reads, Live PD runs “live” for 3 hours. And for the folks who actually do go out to have a life, it reruns 12-3 AM. The show has expanded to Friday and Saturday nights, has a “rewind” show the hour before and then reruns pretty much the rest of the weekend. For example, I just pulled up the schedule, and episodes of Live PD air for 15 freaking hours on Saturday. (Conversely, it’s not lost on me that a 15 hour Live PD marathon can lead to an epic drinking game, and that sounds like a damn solid idea for my next blog. And possible appearance on the show.) This is a real easy way to feel good about ourselves, guys, without all the expensive meds. I’m not a doctor, but I play one on my blog. 
How I Got addicted to Live PD
"Hi everybody!"

Conversely, it is also redeeming to go out on a Friday night, have safe but responsible fun, come home to your own bed (or not, depending on the situation), wake up late, and turn on A&E to see what knuckleheads couldn’t figure that shit out on their own. That’s so Randy.

I often wonder how the producers for Live PD pick the relatively small cities where they follow the cops. Does the conversation go, “Hi, yes, is this the mayor of Greenville County, SC? We’ve looked at the stats and there is a ridiculously high arrest rate for dipshits in your town. So how’s about we send multiple camera crews to document this, mmkay?”
"Where was this show when I was mayor of Toronto?"
(And yes, this is a Rob Ford joke in 2017.)

One can learn many a life lesson from shows like Live PD and Cops:

Generally, shirtless men are trouble.

Meth is a hell of a drug.

Every suspect proclaims their innocence. I saw one episode when the suspect proclaims his innocence, even though he was wearing his victims’ shirt and had his victims’ wallet in his pocket.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about” = “I know EXACTLY what you’re talking about.”

We’re all just one stupid decision away from fucking up our life. So straighten up and fly right. (However, this lesson does not apparently apply to persons named Tiger Woods.)

NASCAR fans seem to be sorely over represented when it comes to getting arrested. It’s not like you ever see a Real Madrid fan getting arrested. Although I suppose they probably do in the British version, Live Bobby.

No one EVER says, “What the hell is with the cameras?”

All my neighbors who think I’m the asshole neighbor have NO IDEA how bad it can be. Also, unfortunately for them, I now do have an idea how bad it can be…

So what have we learned here? We've learned that there is an endless amount of stupid out in the streets. And that, as long as we are not that stupid, life is generally not as bad as it can be. Enjoy your weekend and y'all be safe. And if you do happen to get busted on Live PD, I will pay you $25 if you mention Kevolution Theory.

Cheap plug, follow me at @ifyouseekev for humor in more manageable 140 characters or less.

Sunday, March 5, 2017

The Things I Am Too Chickenshit To Say on Facebook

I admit, I’ve been checking out on Facebook recently. For a lot of reasons. Life is more than looking at your phone. (Wow, that sounds philosophical coming from a twit like me.) I’ve just found myself generally getting annoyed and wasting vast amounts of time. I know I’ve missed a lot of birthdays, and I really don’t care if people miss mine. Which just happens to be this month, BTW. My theory is if you don’t have a present for me, just don’t say anything at all, it’s cool.

So as I lurked through FB recently, one of the reasons why I have been ditching it became apparent; a lot of my FB friends have become annoying. And someone needs to say something.

things I want to say on Facebook
Ugh, this shit again.

Now, I have no problem speaking my mind, as my five longtime readers of this here blog are well aware of. But the thing about the written word is it can be taken so many different ways. At times it’s become a cop out. It has become so much easier to text people on the phone than actually use the damn phone for it’s original intent and talk to someone.

things I want to say on Facebook
Hey! This is my secret, too!

I now see it as my duty to help straighten some of you guys out. However, the truth hurts. This week I’ve been going through Post Secret: Confessions on Life, Death and God. (If you are not familiar with the Post Secret website, do yourself a favor.)
It became clear to me the best way to call youze out on some of your shit without all the resulting butthurt is to do it anonymously. Remember, I am only doing this out of love. Or spite. OK, mostly spite. Finally, a post all about YOU!

Your children are ugly. Maybe your friends don’t want to tell you, but it’s apparent. So how about less pictures, eh?

Your boobs are great, and I wish you would show them off more.

No one cares what movie you are watching.

You can post all the hippy trippy, karma, new age-y, Buddha, Hindu and Dalai Lama quotes, pictures and memes you want. I see through that bullshit and know you’re still the same judgmental cocksucker you always have been.

You’re pro Trump. WE GET IT!

You’re anti Trump. WE GET IT!

things I want to say on Facebook
You're a winner!
I admire that you are so socially and politically aware. But, GD, I really do miss your funny posts.

I would totally bang your wife.

And yours.
And your girlfriend.
And yours.

Is your full time job just posting vapid shit on Facebook 20 times a day? Because that’s all you seem to do.

You don’t have to take every survey you see. No one cares what 70’s sitcom character you are.

I dropped you from my feed. The only reason I haven’t unfriended you is because when I am feeling down about myself, I lurk your page and think, “Thank God, I am not this flaming dipshit.” Thank you for making me feel better about myself, friend. (And I know I can’t be the only one that hangs on to some FB friends like this, right?)

No, I will NOT play freaking Candy Crush Saga with you, so knock it off with the requests.

I had the BIGGEST crush on you in high school, but I never had the balls to tell you.

I think you’re not on FB very much because you do a real good job of just going out and living your life.

The entertainment value in your self indulgent, proselytizing posts is only surpassed by your constant misspelling of common words.

Dude, not everything is a conspiracy theory, OK?

Or is that just what I want you to think?

You’re way too old to be posting shitty pop music lyrics. It’s getting kinda creepy now.

I think some of your best one liners are copied from someone else, and as a “writer” it pisses me off you don’t give them the credit.

Every time you post a picture, I get an alert and I don’t know how to make it stop.

“Oh, look, another picture of the wing from inside the plane.”

Posting pictures of an unknown beer in an unmarked glass has been deemed lame.

No more than three hashtags in a single post is the agreed upon limit. Look it up.

A picture of a plate of food serves no purpose. Just because you’re not eating at Red Robin for a change doesn’t make a damn of difference.

And BTW, checking in from Red Robin is gauche.

You are too old to be taking selfies in public bathrooms.

Can I just designate only one of you to post the Trump bits from SNL?

Your love for shitty 90s rock bands is getting more embarrassing.

I know what you did last summer.

things I want to say on Facebook

All this so called “drama” you proclaim to be so against is all of your own making, bonehead.

You claim to be “family first” but I know for a fact, you never have been. And more and more people are seeing that, too.

Just because I don’t update my status every 17 seconds for the latest cause de celebre, doesn’t mean I am a bad person. It just means I am spending time in the real world and don’t have time to read your constant nonsense.

Facebook is not your PR firm, so knock it off.

things I want to say on Facebook

Why in bloody hell do you keep watching a show that makes you cry? How is that even fun?

If you're "checking in" at the gym, just a FYI this doesn't count as "working out."
things I want to say on Facebook
God, this is worse than Crossfit.

You really are gullible, aren't you?

I guess I have to bring this up again, but God is not on Facebook. 

I feel like there could be more. There probably is more. But I hear the pizza guy at the door and someone has to eat the two pizzas and wings I ordered.