Guys, we need to talk. Like, seriously. There seems to be this sentiment out there that we all have to love Xmas. ” It’s the most wonderful time of the year,” the song goes. Every commercial shows happy families greedily tearing open present after present. Meanwhile, there are starving kids in some Third World country wearing Atlanta Falcons Super Bowl Champions t-shirts. Yay holidays!
We spend hours and hours shopping in stores and in the few remaining malls. We waste our precious online time not on FailArmy videos, but shopping for even more shit for people we barely know. The driving, the weather, the people. And this is fun?
|Literally, the first image that comes up for "I hate Xmas.'|
Look, it’s time we take a stand. It’s OK to hate Xmas. In
fact, I am pretty sure it’s in the Bible somewhere. Right after that story
about the guy who built the boat and carefully wrangled exactly one male and
female of every possible animal. So let’s break this shit down.
All The Xmas TV Movies Suck. I don’t wanna hear another one of you skirts ragging on Saw or movies starring the Rock as “being all the same.” If you can’t see the many layers of the Jigsaw character, you are stone stupid. That is just a fact, and science backs me up here. Yet it’s ok to hunker down on the couch in sweats any my hoodie, eating cookie dough and watching Lifetime and Hallmark channels all weekend. All those movies have the same damn plot. Some broad comes to some small town and saves Xmas. Every damn time. Look, if you’re gonna watch this tripe at least do this.
I might even watch with you. Especially if the girl in the movie is hot. Which happens quite often; just sayin’, fellas.
|"This is the hand I jack off to you with."|
Last year, I forced myself to sit down and actually watch one of these Lifetime Xmas movies.
There Are People Who Think Die Hard Is Not a Xmas Movie. These people are to be avoided. For some, it doesn’t feel like the holiday season starts till they see Santa at the Macy’s parade. For people like me, the holidays don’t start till Hans Gruber is plummeting from Nakatomi Plaza. (SPOLIER ALERT! Oh, wait, I should have said that sooner? Screw that, the movie is like 40 years old.)
|"But I still have Bed Bath & Beyond coupons! They're 20 per centtttttttt"|
Your Family Always Has That One Weird Aunt or Uncle. What’s that you say? Your family doesn’t have one? Hate to break the news to you…
|It's like looking in a mirror.|
The Songs All Blow. How many freaking times do you need to hear GD Jingle Bells? Enough already! Just who the hell is "decking their halls?" And where do they get the boughs of holly? If Grandma wants to live by herself in the woods, she can stay there. Where’s all the GD Halloween songs?
Ugly Sweater Parties vs Halloween Parties. You decide where you'd rather be.
The Ugly Sweater Thing Is Over and Done. It used to be fun when you had to scour thrift stores for legit ugly sweaters that, at one time, someone thought passed for formal wear. Now, you can find premade ugly sweaters from your favorite team, band, movie, etc. Much like redheads, these sweaters are soulless. I blame the slacker hipsters for ruining this one.
|Yea, we get it. You didn't even try.|
There Is No Return on Investment. Like, literally. I’m not smart with money at all, and even I figured this out. Hate to be cold here, but Xmas lasts exactly as long as there are unopened presents. Once all the presents are opened, kiss my ass, I’m playing with all my new toys and games. It’s what Santa wants.
Think of all the time you spend running to stores to find “the perfect gift.” Think of the hours you spend shopping on the computer when you could be doing better things, like reading this here blog. Then there’s all the wrapping. And, hey, let’s throw in a few parties we don’t want to go to. And let’s house all these cookies and bullshit. And Xmas is literally over in a flash. Presents opened. It’s the 26th and you’re back to work because you blew what little paid time off you had in the summer on “mental health days.” Ho ho ho, dipshit.
Yes, OK, I know, Xmas is more than that. It’s the traditions. It’s the food. It’s the family and friends. But here’s my dream Xmas morning. Sleep late. Have traditional Xmas waffles. Open presents. See family for as long as I can tolerate, while trying to figure out who our weird uncle is. Return home and bask in my presents. Watch A Christmas Story a few more times.
The Santa Thing is Getting Kind of Creepy. As someone who doesn’t have children (you’re all welcome.), isn’t this everything you breeders tell your kids not to do? Let me get this straight. You take your spawn to meet an old man-a stranger- in the mall? Then you tell little Johnny or Neaveh (and enough with that name, BTW.) to sit on the strange man’s lap? Wha wha WHA? And said old man-rumored to be an actual saint in some corners-promises to lay lavish gifts on the child if they’re “good?” He sees them when they’re sleeping, he knows when they’ve been naughty or nice? Then, jolly old Santa breaks into your house? Um, excuse me a minute as I get on top of my soapbox here:
WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE????
That scenario is far scarier than anything on Halloween. Next thing you’ll tell me is there is some creepy fairy that pays them for discarded body parts.
The Hustle and Bustle Sucks. First off, at what other time of year do we use the term “bustle? ”Just what is bustle and why does it get into my hedgerow? For 4 or 5 weeks, all these nudnicks get in my way; in the store, in the supermarket, in the liquor store, on the roads. Get out of my GD way. And where’s my jetpack? I was told we’d have jetpacks by now.
Enough With the Fake Niceness. Yes, we’re all supposed to be happy and full of the holiday spirit. But what is worse is the people who pretend to have it. They go way over the top to mask their massive unhappiness of being surrounded by assholes for a month. I feel ya there. (That’s what she said.)
Xmas Trees Support the Deforestation of the Planet. You monsters.
|Merry Frickin' Xmas, jackals.|
Xmas Is Just Rampant Consumerism. Sheeple! You’re only funding the multi-national corporations. Plus, I had the Kevolution Theory Bureau of Statistics tell me that 64% of Xmas gifts never get used properly. 64%! That’s like almost 65%! Yay! Let’s get more crap we don’t need!
You know what we should be doing instead? Giving to charity. Does Cousin Dupree really need a $20 novelty piece of shit you picked up last minute from the Kohls because you forgot he existed? No. Your money is far better spent-as well as karma earned-if you throw a couple of bucks to Music and Memory, who helps people like Henry.
Mistletoe. In this climate we’re living in, how is mistletoe even still a thing? What horny old man-and you KNOW it was a horny old man-came up with this? It was probably some pervy ol’ mistletoe farmer, if such an occupation ever existed. “I know, I’ll invent some custom where I hang mistletoe up. And any pretty ol' lady that wanders under it will have to get a peck on the cheek. And then I jam my tongue down her throat! Brilliant!” How are all these uppity social justice warriors not raging against stores that sell mistletoe, mistletoe balls or even the classy mistletoe belt buckle? Which I may or may not be wearing right now. Ladies? Ladies? Hello?
The Car Commercials. OK, quick impromptu poll. By a show of hands-preferably the one not holding your drink-have you ever gifted anyone with a car?
(No hands raised.)
Uh huh, uh huh. Ok, class, again by a show of hands, have you ever been given a car for Xmas?
(Still no hands raised.)
Ah hah! As I thought. The Kevolution Theory Bureau of Statistics show none of us have ever gotten a new car for Xmas. Can we please get rid of these offensively unrealistic car commercials? (In fact, this will be part of my presidential platform. #VoteForKev2020) In what Valhalla do these families exist where they buy cars for each other? And if you notice, the people still get regular presents in the house! WTF is this madness? Wouldn’t you be kinda pissed that your spouse somehow took out enough money under your nose, they could buy you a car and you never even realized the money was gone? I have a theory about these commercial couples; the one that bought the car has been having/wants to have an affair with the neighbor. The car is just a way to soothe their conscience. Try watching those commercials now, you cheating bastard.
No One Eats Candy Canes Anymore. I have another theory that there hasn’t been a new candy cane made in years. They just recycle the ones no one wanted this year for next. Kinda like the salad at your favorite restaurant.
|Tastes like 2016.|
Xmas Cards. Again, what a spectacular waste of resources. If you send me a Xmas card, you should just address it to Kevolution Theory Trashcan so the mailman knows where to put it. I don’t even open them. I don’t send them. I truly don’t care if you send me a card, we’re square either way. Just don’t expect a Xmas card from me. Or a birthday card. Or a Father’s Day card. Or a condolence card. I say the same things about holidays as I do when I bounce; Kev don’t card.
Speaking of cards, enough with the creepy cards of just your kids. Chances are I barely know you, so why the blue hell do I wanna see your kids? I want to see YOU. What you look like now. I want to see who you married. Yes, it’s shallow, but it’s human nature. Whenever you send a card with your kids, you are telling the world, “I am now repugnant, hopefully my kids won’t end up like me.” You have given up in life. May god have mercy on your children.
Reindeer Boob. Yea, you’d think I’d be all about the wimmen folk exposing their boobs. Plus, I’m a pretty big perv, too. (Yes, I really am wearing a mistle toe belt buckle now, and no one in this book store seems to be obliging.) But I don’t know how I feel about this one yet.
|A lil' somethin' for the ladies.|
So, did I miss anything?