Look, I don’t get very political on my social media. Many of you do, and that’s fine. It seems most of my social media streams have been political, especially after this Trump press conference (Which I did not watch. But I saw enough headlines ferreted around all the articles, I’m pretty sure I got a firm grasp.) I can’t imagine you will ever get much political thought from me; and honestly, my ‘talent’ and style is everything to drag you away from the real world for a few paragraphs and hopefully a few laughs. Does anyone remember laughter? Seeing all the angst on the socials tonight was like a big ol’ Bat signal that we all needed to have a brief laugh amidst all this rancor.
No, not this kind of Rancor, the other angrier, non Star Wars kind of rancor.
A few months ago, at the end of one of my blogs you all read and thought hilarious but never freaking bothered to tell me, I floated the hash tag #VoteForKev2020. So, while I was showering tonight, I got a great idea for a quick and dirty blog that can lighten the mood of America for just a brief moment. And, yes, most of my great ideas come to me in the bathroom.
Anywhoo, if I do decide to formally launch a candidacy for President, I guess there would be some forms or something I’d have to fill out at the library or post office. But what good is filling out a form if I don’t at least have some catchy campaign slogans? That’s like more than half the battle, right? So here’s what I’ve come up with to sway all the yahoos in the swing states.
Someone who can unite both parties in their common disdain of me.
I can’t do any worse. Like, literally, I can’t do any worse.
I am pretty sure I can make a federal holiday each out of man crush Monday and woman crush Wednesday.
|#WCW is also hump day. probably not a coincidence.|
I can’t golf.
Surrounded by people who will actually know what they’re doing.
They call him….The Unfucker.
Keeper of promises. A real promise keeper. But not like those creepy Promise Keepers. A promise keeper in a not creepy way.
Better hair for a better America.
He has a dog!
Identifies with the youth of America. Especially the college girls.
|Patriots. Also, #WCW|
A race fan, but not a racist.
|Another reason to hate Jr.|
He pretty much hates everyone equally.
Knows how to handle the North Korea problem because he saw The Interview. Twice.
Something, something, both sides, both sides.
Has no problem showing you his emails, though they are mostly about penis enlargement.
Will release his tax records. As well as his debut calypso record!
Easily the best man for the job. Especially if his opponent is another broad.
He was the President of the Queensryche fan club, so he’s pretty sure he can run America.
If you can find a better candidate, then you should probably vote for them, you Commie pinko bastard.
Promises to open up Area 51.
Has no skeletons in his closet, but a few beneath his parents’ basement.
Bravely instituting an idiot tax.
Once won an argument with a woman.
He’s the man for our times. Or at least the next 4 years.
Supports single moms, ifyaknowwhatImean.
|You knew what I meant.|
Never murdered anyone.
Protecting America from the Bobadook.
Alt music, not alt right/left.
A master debater.
I’m with him.
A drinker like the rest of us.
|Go ahead and judge, but this is the demographic that will get me into the Oval Office.|
His parents would vote for him.
Ignorance of international affairs = fresh eyes and new ideas.
The Cure for Idiocy.
You don’t learn if you don’t make mistakes. He’s hungry to learn.
Putting the rum in decorum.