Sunday, March 18, 2018

My Best St Patrick's Day Jokes

Yes, OK, I know. It's the 18th. St. Patrick's Day was yesterday, and I actually didn't tweet these jokes. That's because they would be mostly lost on the 4 people that do follow me, and my FB audience-which still largely ignores me, too-seems to respond better. So instead of constantly hitting the pause button on my St Pat's drinking, I decided to save them up and put them all in one place. So, if you did read these yesterday, I thank you. You might wanna read again, in case you forgot a few, as I sure forgot writing a few. Plus, I didn't even use all my jokes, so there's new ones spread through out, as well as day after jokes. So lie back (you ARE still in bed, amirite?), keep putting that Gatorade down and figure out what you want on that pizza as we stroll down foggy memory lane.

I'm drinking so much green beer, my pee is blue.

In kind of a haughty bar. There is a girl next to me drinking 4 Loko. This place clearly does not serve 4 Loko. So she brought her own supply of 4 Loko to a bar. I rarely use the term "spirit animal"....

Pretty sure this "Irish" amber I am drinking is called "Something Else" amber the 364 other days of the year.

I'll admit it. I wasn't really feeling it, but then I listened to "Shipping Up To Boston" like 15 times in a row, and now I'm looking to get good and shitfaced.

Uber driver "Are you drinking a BEER in MY CAR?
Me "No, I'm getting ready to give you a zero star rating."
A consensual-though awkward-silence follows

Pro tip for all the newbs today; NO ONE knows what all these old Irish songs are about. Just nod your head, drink your beer and occasionally say "Slainte!" or "For Bobby Sands!" and you'll be fine.
funniest st pats jokes
I swear, sometimes the jokes write themselves.

Walks into a bar.
Bar is playing U2.
Keeps on walking.

Did you really just order a Bud Light Lime, dude? Get dafuq out of here before you get thrown out.

Pretty sure the 13 year olds in Ireland knock it off with the dancing when they discover the whiskey.

Where will I spend more money today?
1) Bar tabs
2) Uber rides
3) Resulting legal fees and restitution
(Spoiler alert, it was bar tabs. By a LOT.)

Sitting here watching the NCAA tournament. And it got me wondering; were there ever any great Irish basketball players? Or football players? Or hockey players? Or baseball players? It seems to me all the great Irish athletes are fighters. Which makes total sense. I am sure there's probably some great Irish dart throwers as well.

st patricks jokes
Ultimate Irish athlete?

On the 18th, all the pros are out, buying the 50% off crap so we can wear a different green, gaudy t-shirt next year.

The best thing about having no fashion sense and wearing mostly black is all the green stuff is pretty easy to pick out.

Two words; leprechaun porn. Yes, it exists (Rule 34) and after an hour of extensive...uh.."research" I have also discovered I have no shame.

funniest st pats tweets

Kinda off topic, but I have become a huge user of the Irish Goodbye.

Yes, the camera on your phone has the filter that only shows green, and no you shouldn't use it for your social media today.

People in a bar dressed in green on the 17th; "Yay! Fellow partiers!"
People in a bar dressed in green on the 18th; "Fucking alcoholics."

Friday, March 16, 2018

Happy Stone Cold Steve Austin Day!

(Glass shatters.)

Happy Stone Cold Steve Austin Day!

Look, with all the PCedness going on, isn’t it about time to give ol’ Stone Cold his own holiday?  Wait, what’s that? You don’t know who Steve Austin is? What, are you one of my zero female readers under the age of 25? Fine, let’s have a little history lesson here. No, not, like, real history, more like something a lot of people care about; wrestling.

Austin was a key figure in WWF’s “Attitude Era.” The “Attitude Era” is widely regarded as the last time WWE was any good. Mocking a "bible thumper" opponent, Austin famously coined the phrase ‘Austin 3:16 just said I just whipped your ass.” Austin was the central figure who became popular because he drank beer and hated his boss. Sound familiar? Stone Cold attracted millions of eye balls with his shenanigans against the owner of the WWF, the evil Mr. McMahon. Millions lived vicariously through Austin as he tormented his boss. Like his three ex-wives, we all have a little Stone Cold in us. Just a few of the things he did that we all wish we could do

Made Mr. McMahon pee his pants. (Mr. McMahon’s pants. Not Austins. That would actually be pretty ballsy if McMahon somehow managed to pee Austin’s pants.)

"Ugh, I should not have had those 2 cans of Monster before I came out here."

Poured cement into McMahon’s convertible.

Flipped off McMahon multiple times per show.

Drove a beer truck to the ring and hosed beer on the McMahon family.

Now, what I wanna know, is where are these mythological beer trucks that actually dispense beer via hose? Where does one get such a vehicle? Is it the same place Kurt Angle got the milk truck?

Of course, there was also the time he almost got shot by Brian Pillman, but that seems to be largely forgotten.

Also, he was the last real man to wear jorts. (Yea, I said it, Cena. Do your Five Moves of Doom on me because I do see you.)

And even if you are not too familiar with Austin, there are some pretty good memes that you can probably relate to.

stone cold steve austin day

happy stone cold steve austin day

steve austin day

The placement of 316 day is troubling as it is always the day before 317. That’s just the way the calendar works, son. But it is also a kick in the nuts, as this year, Steve Austin Day is Friday and St Pat’s Day is (all day) Saturday. One must gameplan wisely as to how many Steveweisers to have, and still be able to bring your A game for St Pat’s Saturday. For example, I planned ahead, and had my last drink at 11 AM in the bathroom at work, to give my liver some time to recoup and prepare for this weekend’s onslaught.

Just how am I gonna celebrate 316 Day today?

By stomping a mudhole in someone.

By repeatedly saying “What?” when someone is talking to me.

By finishing every phone call with, “And that’s the bottom line because I said so.”

By giving someone the Stone Cold Stunner after kicking them in the gut.

By pouring beer all over me as I stand on the corner desk in the office.

"Now where's that redhead from sales?"

By shoving Mike Tyson.

Find me some of those cans of Whoop Ass in aisle two.

By stunning the President of the United States of America.

Another little known fact about Steve Austin Day; it is said that at 3:16 AM and 3:16 PM spirit guides will be attempting to contact you. Sounds like bullshit, right? Well, some people actually believe this bullshit, so who am I to say?

And to be fair, if/when 316 Day becomes a recognized holiday, I am perfectly fine giving back another bobo holiday. There are already too many, anyway. Gimme 316 Day, and I'll return one of those useless holidays, like Arbor Day or Valentine's Day. Sounds fine ta me.

So pop open a couple of them Steveweisers and toast the ol' Texas Rattlersnake on, OUR big day.

See y'all on 619 Day!

Wednesday, March 7, 2018

Someone Called Me Good Looking Today

You wanna play a game? I wanna play a game. 
"My good man, where is the rotgut rum?"

As I was walking into a place, a woman was walking out. She took a look at me, did a quick inhale then said, “Man, aren’t you good looking?”

Where was I walking to?

b         Gym
        Liquor store

Do you really even need a minute to figure this one out?  The liquor store. Of course it was the liquor store. The same damn liquor store that serves me no matter how banged the fuck up I am.

So, there I was, like the rest of us schmucks. Yet another winter storm was coming in, and like the rest of suburbia, I have to have enough booze to mollify myself for a night. I was walking in as a woman was walking out. Now, I would like to say this was a 22 year old super model walking out, but the truth is it was an older woman. That point doesn’t bother me because, because the real take away here is someone found me attractive.

What I get when I GIS "22 year old hot model."

Does the point bother me that this was at a liquor store where they notoriously serve any drunk ass that stumbles in? No, because this woman was clearly sober. I don’t care who finds me attractive. She could have been blind with a cane and a service dog, and I would be equally as stoked she said it. This hot mess ain’t got no room to be picky.

To this random woman, thank you. Thank you for making my day, and just giving me that little extra boost of confidence that a lonely night of drinking can’t quite provide. Readers, take note, just one act of kindness, one slight push of karma can make a difference. Also, take note that good things really can happen at the liquor store. Maybe not to your liver, but certainly to your ego.

Sunday, February 11, 2018

Turns Out I'm Something Called an Introvert, So You Gotta Deal With It

I hate people.

In all of my years writing, I don’t know that I’ve ever opened up with a more honest statement.

Here’s a confession. I am shy. Too shy. Deathly shy. 
I know some of you are probably disagreeing with this, but bear with me as I explain. I am shy to the point of awkwardness. And I am sure my awkwardness has led many to believe I am gruff/stiff/weird/odd. And I don’t disagree with that. For me, there is no bigger dread than walking into a big room full of strangers, even if we all share a common interest. I can’t do small talk; I suck at it. “So…uh…hey…how about all that… And stuff. Crazy….sun….and barometric pressure. Um…did you see those clouds yesterday? Crazy, man.” Fucking shoot me. I feel the room closing around me, like I am the lone, shy human amongst a crowd of socially at ease zombies. And they’re going to eat my brains. And probably still be hungry.

To be honest, I’m one of those types that has more of “the feels” for animals (OK, dogs, mostly. Definitely not cats.) than for people. Just how black is my heart? Whenever I see those posters of all those missing kids, I feel nothing. Like, literally, nothing. But if I see a handwritten sign for a lost dog, I go to pieces. One time in my neighborhood, I saw a sign on a telephone pole that a little girl lost her turtle. And I actually went looking for the GD turtle! Also, protip here; don’t go calling for turtles, turns out they don’t have ears.

Good at finding Turtles.
I was shy all through school and college. I was never popular-surprise! Everyone just seemed so far ahead and ‘grown up’ and confident. Meanwhile, I was off in the corner at all the school dances, wondering why the hell I would even go to dances. I can’t dance. So let’s see; not attractive-check, can’t talk-check, can’t dance-check. So let’s just go to the dance so I can totally destroy what little self esteem I had. And these were supposed to be my good years? Doomed from the start, I tell ya.

It doesn’t help I am horrible with names. I’m pretty good with faces. Still, faces are scary because they have mouths that can open and talk and sneeze and call me by my name. What sorcery is this? I open my mouth, and gibberish comes out. Or a loud belch. Usually, it’s a loud belch. Sometimes, it smells like lunch.

I don’t know how to change it, I don’t know how to get more “social.” At times, it bothers me I am this far in life and have the social skills of a dull two year old. I should know how to have a polite conversation with a fellow human, yet this skill continues to evade me. I must have made some kind of subconscious deal to trade conversational skill for barely talented writer. They both have the same result; barely anyone hears me.

i am shy
Yeah, asshole.

One of the beauty things about FB and the Net is that you can find just about any group to accept your flaws and shortcomings, give it a name, and suddenly, you’re the victim, and the world better cater to you. For example, turns out I was never deathly shy. And I’m not even an asshole! Turns out I am something called an “introvert” and there’s all kinds of memes and pointed quotes to make me feel comfortable. The world should acquiesce to my short comings and flaws. There’s actually many articles on how to deal with introverts. See, I am actually so deep and complex, I need an instruction manual! Better yet, there are lots more of these “introverts,” though we probably won’t get together to talk about it. 

The funny thing about putting any label on yourself is that it defines you. In my case, I’m an “introvert” and it’s perfectly acceptable to live inside my comfortable little box and stay here. That’s kind of what introverts do. And now this label makes it totally acceptable to stay introverted and stay inside my house and binge watch shows or read books or write blogs. I can wear whatever I want and go to bed whenever I want. Even my introvert self can recognize this behavior is socially retarded. I will always be an introvert if I stay an introvert. Nothing changes if nothing changes, and I’m OK with that.

Speaking of FB, we’ve all seen the picture of the log cabin. You’re asked if you could live in the cabin for 30 days with no wifi and no TV. And here’s where my shyness is hardcore. Every dipshit comments that they would live there, like the point is to say no. And here’s where I’m different; I could actually do it. The idea of being in the woods (actually, I’d prefer a shack on the water, choosy beggar am I) alone in a house (if it was a tent, no deal) sounds like heaven for introvert me. I would have a much better sleep pattern. I would bring every book and magazine (starting with all the unread Men’s Fitness from 2015) with me. I would bring my iPod-yes, I said iPod-that has months of music on it that I would happily listen to.

i am shy
Wait. These are the neighbors!? 60. I can do 60 days. Easy.

Also, I think we’re all assuming this mythological cabin will have some creature comforts. Running hot water. Fridge. A decent bed, ooh maybe a hammock hung up in the corner! Electricity. Can I at least get Sirius? And some sort of oven or microwave? It’s not like I’m gonna be out hunting like a dirty caveman, but I’m at least going to assume there is a Wawa or something near by. Hell, there will probably be 3 Starbucks in the middle of the woods. I can snake their wifi.

No one to talk to. No one to impress or pass judgement on me. No discussions about the weather, which, by the way for the sake of this trial is assumed to be perfect. No deal if it’s not sunny and 70. I would look forward to going out into nature some days: running, walking, hiking, urinating. Maybe get up early a few mornings to see a sunrise or two. See the stars and moon with no light pollution for the big, bad city. My only real worry will be dodging the serial killers all the movies told me populate the woods.

"You getting the hockey game in that cabin?"

OK, so for shits and giggles (and wouldn’t the term shits and goggles be more appropriate? Just sayin’.) let’s just put this “introvert” label on me. Does it define me? Does it make sense? Does it explain anything? Does anybody remember laughter?

Writing is a moneyless hobby I enjoy. It can excite me, and I can stay awake half the night working out a topic I think can be funny. One of the things I enjoy most about writing is it’s all me. I do the writing, I do the editing. (This post was originally 5,000 words long.)  I choose the pictures and come up with the captions. If it’s witty, it’s because of me. If it’s enjoyable, it’s because of me. If it sucks, it’s because of me. If it’s not funny, well then quite frankly, that’s your piss poor sense of humor, ya dickwad ya. And it’s something I do totally alone. Usually with curtains drawn. So, hmmm, maybe there is a part of this “introvert” thing I should be paying attention to? OK, let’s keep going.

Another joyless hobby of mine is going to the gym. It’s my release, my escape, my therapy. I put my headphones on, then proceed to lift barely heavy things in an effort to not crush my body. The risk of benching 70 pounds is quite detrimental if my girly wrists give out and it crushes my larynx. Sometimes, my biggest challenge is to not scream like a girl when I’m benching 70 pounds. And, BTW 70 pounds is 31.7 kilos for my international readers. Still as impressive, no? But, GD, if that isn’t another thing I enjoy doing alone.

OK, so maybe some of this may fit me. As with any new theory, there are other terms to it to further apply to oneself. Here’s one I like; introvert hangover. Wow I can be sick of people, too! I’m all in now!  OK, unlike the clear fallacy that is hype like ADHD, I actually kinda believe this one. Am I not the only one, when after spending a night with a bunch of people, go to bed feeling like a semi just ran them over? And I wasn’t even drinking? I totally get that. How many of us have said, “I am so tired of people?”

People are dicks. They’re mean, fake, shallow, greedy, unappreciative, dumb. I don’t like being around people because I feel they are judging me. And being an introvert can easily lead them to. I have been an introvert long enough, that it has bred this attitude of “fuck you.” I have just gotten beyond the point of feeling the need to be liked. Face it, life is littered with fake people, just like FB is. A wise man one told me, “I yam what I yam.” And that’s how I feel about me. If you like me, cool. If you don’t like me, that’s cool, too. I’m fine either way. 

But does this make being an introvert OK? Is it OK that I stay in my little box of shyness? Shouldn’t I want to be meeting new people? Shouldn’t I be the life of every party? Shouldn’t I be more knowledgeable about world events, current topics? Shouldn’t I be able to easily discuss how earth-shatteringly cool my job is? Or the last book I read? The last freaking awesome blog I wrote? Or the last movie I saw? (Which was Jigsaw by the way, and a worthy continuation to the series. On second thought, do people really wanna know I actually think that?) The last show I binge watched?

Face it, technology has conspired to make even the most extroverted behave like us introverts. And yes, I just became the flag bearer for introverts. Ya think any of ‘em are gonna stop me? Look no further than your phone. Look at all the wonder it has brought us. I can order a pizza without talking to a soul. If I drank coffee, I can put my ostentatious order in this miracle machine without saying a word. The warehouse club can have my entire order waiting for me. Yes, I need the multi pack of KY.

Instead of talking to the few brave souls in my “tribe” I can type a few words into this magic box and voicelessly communicate with them. If I was cool, I guess I could Snap them or Insta them, but I ain’t gots that kinda time. Point being, all that technology is awesome and readily available to us on our phone. Our phone. The thing we actually used to use to talk to these people. Progress!

I think this all successfully diagnoses me as an introvert. I know I’m not a doctor, but I’ve watched enough doctor porn to at least pick up a few things. WebMD can also be a legitimate help. In fact, I’m going there now to diagnose this shooting pain and numbness in my left arm. I am sure it is nothing. It's not like I'm actually gonna go see a doctor or anything...

Sunday, January 21, 2018

Eagles Win; The Best NFC Conference Game Jokes

Before I get to all the jokes, just a serious thought; how is shit like this NOT the biggest story in sports? Talk about class acts. And this has been going on since the Bills Mafia flooded Andy Dalton's charity. All these fans paying it forward to enemy players should be the lead story in every sports report. Despite any asshole behavior from any football fans today, please read this and find some reassurance there are actually decent people out there.

Viking Fans Donate 200K to Saints Punter Morstead's Foundation

"I triple dog dare you."

They are literally putting Crisco on light poles in Philadelphia to keep Eagles fans from climbing them. The multitude of the city’s fat strippers heard to say, “Yo, we got this.”

The city’s 17 Sixers fans are asking, “What is a conference championship?”

For those of you that don’t know, Philadelphia actually has a pro basketball team named the 76ers. 

Yes, I know this is news to me, too. I always thought the Sixers were the team that always lost to the Globe Trotters.

Vikings fans got to Philly early, and did the SKOL chant on the art museum steps. They were actually shocked to find out Philadelphia had a museum.

I've heard both teams' fight songs, and they are equally as horrible.

First result for "hot Eagles girl"
And the GIS for "hot Vikings girl"
Live look in at me now
Aaaand I'm done....
Saints fans still salty about last week's loss, claim game was predetermined. No wonder WreslteMania is there in April.

Anyone think the NFL made Philly the night game so it will look more picturesque as it burns?

At approx 3 o'clock, there has already been a fight in the Philly parking lot. Philly fans getting a jump on being classy. I did not see any Viking fans in the video.

And now they're throwing beers at Vikes fans as they walk into the game. Not surprisingly, the Vikes fans aren't struck as Philly fans wrists are far too limp to throw a beer.

If someone could make a "anyone but the Eagles" profile frame for Facebook, it would be fire. FI-UR.

The definition of throwing gas on a fire is giving Philly fans all day to drink.

Mike Zimmer is wearing glasses to protect his eyes from batteries.
2018 eagles vikings jokes and memes
"I'm wise to you, Philadelphia."
"It will get better, bro."
"I know, bro."
Philly fans are wearing dog masks at the game. That's about the only way they can make themselves attractive.

Anyone ever seen Case Keenum and Daniel Bryan in the same room?

Everyone is making a big deal about Keenum and Foles in the Conference final. But what are the odds two former Dallas QBs would be calling the games?

That girl that eats the Skittles pox is the skankiest thing I've seen. And I've seen a lot.

By the way, the Nets beat the Pacers by a point today. If you care about that sort of thing.

Keenum throws for a TD; Iggles fans immediately threaten his family.

This is Nick Foles with his wife Tori

This is Case Keenum with his wife Kim

Are there any movies where entire cities don't get destroyed? Looking at you Rampage. And Pacific Rim. And Avengers. And any other super hero movie. 

At 6:42 of the first, I have more yards going to the fridge than the Iggles have. BTW, the Iggles have zero yards at this point.

Case Keenum throws his 2nd TD. To the Eagles. Motherf.....

Can't AT&T bring Lily back to compete with the annoying Verizon guy?
2018 NFC championship jokes
"You hear me now?"
Speaking of girls in commercials, anyone else kinda finding her appealing?
2018 NFC game jokes
"Wanna check my pants?"

Eagles score TD, go up 14-7. You can literally feel football fans rolling their eyes saying, "Not this. Not them."

Wait, the Simpsons isn't gonna be on tonight?

Is it just me, or does Case Keenum's neck disappear when he puts his helmet on?

Keenum gets hit, fumbles, turns it over. Budweiser sales surge in the stadium.

Eagles fans celebratory posts on FB starting to contain more more more misspelled words. Vikes fans too busy chewing their fingernails to type anything.

Anyone else missing Tony Siragusa these days? Yea, I didn't think so.

Foles avoids defenders, uncorks TD throw to Jeffery. Um, what's the plan for this game again?

Eagles fans seen googling 'Minnesota' so they know how to spell it correctly when looking for flights and rooms.

It's a good thing Prince isn't around to see this mess.

Kristina Pink totally sounds like a stripper name.

Eagles up by 17 at half. Motherf....

Seeing Larry Fitzgerald in all these commercials 'between games' and it's no wonder the Cardinals sucked this year.

Brett Favre just put his old Vikes jersey on and is standing by in case the phone rings. His family is worried about him.

Eagles run trick play on third down and score. Philly fans losing what little shit they had. Brady watching the game and saying, "Pikers. Been there."

Mike Vick can go fuck himself, and no, I will not let it go.

If the Eagles do win this game, this will one of those Super Bowls where the rest of the country wants neither team to win.

Vikes can't convert a 4th and goal. If you know any Minnesota fans, you might wanna check in on them now.

I'm shocked there haven't been drunken Eagles fans running on the field. The Vikes probably couldn't stop them, either.

If it's possible to save some points for the next game, ya might wanna do that Birds.

Eagles up 24 at the beginning of the 4th. Philly cops seen putting on riot gear. Philly cop horses also putting on riot gear.

Eagles score again. There's a fight on the PAT. It does not stop the badass Philly cheerleaders from running out onto the field. At this point, the cheerleaders could probably whup the Vikings.

Speaking of Eagles cheerleaders
This game is so bad, I'm actually GIS hot Eagles cheerleaders. But I'm not complaining.
The rest of the county is thinking, "Shit, two more weeks of Eagles fans."

Lotta Tide Pods challenges going on in Minny right now.

The safest place to be in Philadelphia tonight is in a helicopter.

Every hooligan criminal in Philadelphia will be wearing one of those German Shepherd masks.

If the Viking fans are being quiet, it's only because they are planning on how to torture the Eagles when they're staying in Minneapolis.

I thought this was the plan.

Marcus Williams is all like, "See?! I told you! Don't blame me."

Historians are now taking what are termed "before" pictures of Philadelphia.

We're well into garbage time, why do you have Nick Foles still playing?

Speaking of garbage time, whatever happened to Katie Nolan?
I don't know what's more horrible, this Vikings team today or Eagles owner Jeffrey Lurie trying to dance with his team.

Time to watch Philly burn.

Patriots Win; The Best AFC Game Jokes and Memes

I don’t have a dog in this race, but the best part of being a fan of either team is you have an excuse to get hammered. “My team’s in the conference final. Let’s party.” “My team won, let’s party!” “My team lost, let’s drown our sorrows.” Everybody wins.

I don’t care who wins this game, this is just training for eating like a hog in two weeks.

In an unrelated note, my use of napkins decreases proportionally when I wear hoodies. You’re welcome, Mother Earth.

Let's play a game; who's hotter? First image that appears for "hot Patriots girl"
Repping the Patriots
And GIS for "hot Jaguars girl"
Well played, Jags, 3 for the price of 1. Even though that is probably the same girl, still yes, yes and yes to be safe.

I could literally play this game all day long.

This is the closest Tony Romo has ever been to the Super Bowl. Suck on that, haters.

There is no actual word "bortle", let alone "Bortles." But it's still dang fun to say.

One day, I hope to have a beard as glorious as Matt Patricia.

New England only up by 3 at the end of one. Lost that bet.

Tom Brady telling cameramen to "get the fuck off the field." Guess they must be getting in the way of the Patriots cameramen.

If chicken wings were points, I'd be dominating this game.

How many bloody NCIS's are there?

If I ever owned a Mercedes, I'd have to name it Lewis.
afc conference final
In case you're not paying attention or those Boston Lagers are kicking in.
Jags winning 7-3.

Jags winning 14-3. This is all going to plan. I guess.

Gronk has his own Monster Energy drink. It has 52 freaking grams of sugar in it.
patriots win jaguars win
With 52 grams of sugar, how is there space for anything else?
I feel like I'm playing Madden against my nephew. And I'm the Patriots. Also, he is 4.

From what I can tell, Bortles isn't dating anyone right now, but was tapping this in college. Doesn't matter, if he wins this game, he's dating up anyway.
Lindsay Duke
Guys, this is Lindsay Duke. I'll give you a minute to get to your bunk.
Gronk just got cracked in the head, and the commentators think he's "woozy." If you wanna see "woozy" watch me stumble to the pisser at halftime.

I like how these Diet Dr Pepper commercials have to let you know Justin Guarini is "Lil Sweet." Most people are like, "Screw Lil Sweet, who dafuq is Justin Guarini?"

At the half, Jags up by 4. Yup, all according to plan.

The following commercial spokespeople can please go DIAF; Verizon guy, Flo from Progressive, Paul from Sprint, Chevy guy.

But can we get back Erin Insurance. I don't have a manga thing, but I think I would have to give this a shot.
Admit it, you would.

Did you REALLY have to click that to see what DIAF meant?

Now that Aaron Rodgers is banging Danica Patrick, I doubt Clay Matthews is in an adjoining room.

Jags nail kick, up 7.

Jags nail another kick, up 10.

Gronk says, 'Screw it, I'm going to the bar."

I've really been enjoying Tony Romo's work as a broadcaster, but you know even he's thinking, "Blake Bortles??"

Jags take possession on a tight turnover call. Patriots fans thought the refs were supposed to be on their side.

For the life of me, I can't find anything about Pats fans being assholes. Meanwhile, in Philly they're already fighting each other and throwing beers at Vikes fans. (Yes, there will be links and vid in the NFC blog.) 

You know whoever loses this game will get the "At least you saved on your taxes" meme.

Pats get TD, down by 3, 8:44 to go. Yup, all according to plan.


Miles Jack would be my ring name in the WWE.

And as soon as I wrote that, he got hurt.

After trailing for 56 minutes, the Patriots take the lead and the game.

The seal has been opened. The Illuminati have spoken.

Tuesday, January 16, 2018

Bullshit Facts About Myself (Work Edition)

Open up work email; hey, we're having everyone in for a meeting! (Yea, I know, that's a rough open, but it's the best I can do on a Tuesday.)

And to make things even more douchetastic, we’re going to be doing-wait for it-ice breakers! I have been asked to forward three random facts about myself. As a struggling writer and accomplished asshole, I find myself conflicted. This makes me feel happy, because most edgy writers seem to have some sort of conflict that is fuel. The angel on my shoulder says to get in the spirit of the thing and offer appropriate facts. The devil on my shoulder says let’s make wild shit up. And since the bar likes to take this thing called “money” in exchange for the ambrosia that is “alcohol,” I think the angel wins out this time. But the devil is the one that mostly writes these blogs and my better stories.

 I mean, it could be worse. What’s worse than ice breakers? (You know you know the answer, you just don’t wanna say it.) Role playing! No, not the sexy kind with cable guys, pool boys or where the chick gets “stuck.” No, the kind of role playing where there are totally unrealistic situations and you respond by spouting out company jargon. Can we please just move past this? Isn’t there a PowerPoint we need to see or something?

And this is exactly why I need to be a writer; for the life of me I can’t come up with even three interesting facts about my boring ass. Instead, all these come out. So while I struggle to come up with three facts that make me seem like the Most Interesting Man in the Room and impress the lone hot girl, I will use my time by doing what I apparently do best; screwing around and making no additional money. Maybe my high school guidance counselor was right about me.

As I envision it, these “facts” will be read aloud in a cold meeting room.

Three swigs of whiskey, first thing in the morning, every morning.

I like to crop dust meeting rooms.

I think that people who look at Facebook while they are supposed to be working are big, fait, hairy losers.

I was the sixth grade spelling champ. (True). The winning word was apodyopsis.

This was quite popular in Catholic school.

Taylor Swift wrote a song about me.

There’s so many lies on my resume, I’ve honestly forgotten what’s true and what’s not.

I have eleven fingers. (Watch everyone else look around the room.)

I had successful gender reassignment surgery.

A year later, I changed my mind and had another successful gender reassignment surgery.

I write a wildly successful blog.

When I was a child, my class went on a field trip to the local zoo. We went into the snake house. No one knew that a poisonous snake got loose. Before anyone could stop it, the snake bit me. And then I bit that sunna bitch right back.

I see a shrink 3 times a week for what he’s termed “murderous tendencies.”

I’ve appeared on American Idol. And The Voice. And The Four. And Rockstar; INXS. And Nashville Star. And every other POS music reality show you morons can’t seem to get enough of.

Every pair of underwear I own says “Tuesday.”

I dated Ms. Wisconsin, then dumped her for Ms. North Dakota.

ice breakers for work
This is really the current Ms. North Dakota. Eyebrows kinda on fleek, but not too shabby.

I played pro lacrosse in my early 20s.

I was a professional foot model. (OK, inside joke, I once wrote for a blog under a redic fake name-we all did-and those last two facts were in my bio. Good times.)

Connor McGregor is afraid of me.

I was in a famous viral video. I didn’t know those two girls, but I did supply what was in the cup.

I wasn’t born in America. I was born in one of those shithole countries.

I have a patent for the 27th letter of the alphabet.

I run marathons in my spare time.

I read every email and enjoy working nights and weekends.

I changed the signature in my email to “Holla at ya boy” and no one has ever noticed.

My last concert was Luke Bryan. He’s great. Especially when he’s wearing a cap.

ice breakers for work
Tell me there's some sort of machine somewhere that just churns out all these dudes that look the same.

I enjoy independent films in my downtime.

I find role playing a useful and worthwhile exercise during these meetings.

Best piece of business advice I ever got; don’t shit where you eat. And on an unrelated note, sorry, Gina, but it’s over. Stop sitting next to me.