Friday, June 23, 2017

How Live PD Got To Be My New Vice

I’m a man of many vices. Gambling. Gluttony. Miami. Girls who are above school girl age, but still dress like school girls. Rot gut rum. What was I talking about again? Some sort of devices?

How I Got Addicted to Live PDAs I sit, it’s Friday night, just past 8PM and I’m here staring at half naked college girls on Insta. How this differs from any other random weekday mornings is no different. Unless it’s Tequila Tuesday. Or Whiskey Wednesday. Don’t even get me started on Mouthwash Monday. All of this is probably why I haven’t posted a blog in a while. It’s always a party at the Theory Office. This is also probably why I’ve never made any money writing. But this is also probably why I get Xmas cards stuffed into empty bottles of rum from all the nearby liquor stores. So there’s that.

On any given Friday or Saturday night, you can probably find me at a bar. Or a party. Or in my backyard. But there will be a bottle of something near by. Occasionally, I will listen to my wuss liver, and be sober. Like tonight. And regardless if I’m shit faced or stone cold sober, there’s one thing I get great enjoyment in doing. And that’s watching other people fuck up for a change. To that end, the TV show Cops has always been a favorite of mine.

Cops is a great show. When I’m down and feeling blue, I find an episode and immediately feel better about myself. Because, I am at least not that knucklehead who just got busted on national TV. Everyone knows the show. It’s great ADD viewing, it’s like an anthology series without the creepy Crypt Keeper. Every story generally lasts 7-8 minutes. There’s a beginning, a middle and an end. And you’re on the way. Self esteem back to normal levels.

 Fox had a great idea for a TV show that was generally cheap; we’ll follow around cops as they do their job all day. Brilliant! Who doesn’t want to watch that? Let’s face it, we’ve always been drawn to police activity. Once you see those blue and red lights flashing in your street, you are intrinsically drawn to see WTF is going on. Did that weird neighbor finally kill his kids? Did the cats finally overpower the Crazy Cat Lady? 

Cops makes me feel better for two reasons. 1) There are actually brave ass men and women that will charge into the face of danger and risk their lives daily for people they don’t even know. 2) I’ve never done anything stupid enough to get arrested on national TV. And if that don’t make you feel better about your current point in life, at least you’re not that guy running around shirtless with the bad tattoos in the Save A Lot parking lot cranked on bath salts. #winningatlife

Cops is great Saturday night viewing. You’re most likely a beer or two into your evening. Probably heading out to meet some friends somewhere. It’s a pretty sobering reminder not to fuck up when you see some drunk running around topless in a Mickey D’s proclaiming they’re the “peace walker.” Or you’re just gonna sit home, have a few beers and let the TV rot the brain cells your Bud Lights aren’t already killing. “I’m just gonna watch other drunk/high jerk offs do incredibly stupid stuff and wallow in my buzz. And, hey, these are not my pants.”

I’ve often wondered about some of the perps on this show. I mean, how do you break it to work you once got arrested for soliciting a hooker in a sting operation? And the whole thing is on TV? Or how stupid does one have to feel for getting busted stealing things that are now worthless? I once saw an episode when they busted a couple for stealing video tapes from a Blockbuster. (You guys do know what video tapes and Blockbusters are, right?) Not only do you get busted for stealing a bunch of Schwarzenegger VHS tapes, but you get busted on national TV. And the show runs FOREVER. Can you imagine if you work with this guy today and never knew? There you are, watching an old episode of Cops, feeling all full of yourself. “Oh….oh my god! That’s Randy! Hey honey, come here! You know that tool at work I talk about all the time? Randy? He was arrested on Cops! For stealing video tapes! I can’t wait to tell everyone at work on Monday!” I mean, how stupid does Randy gotta feel? If he waited just a few more years and-boom!- all movies are free! Music, porn and books, too. Ah, Randy, you be feeling stupid now, son.

Along comes a show called Live PD on A&E. Essentially, some high paid exec just discovered Spike TV is 40% Cops reruns, and said, “Hey! I have an idea! Let’s rip off Cops, but we’ll do it live! And for three straight hours! Now someone order me my in ground pool with infinity edge!” Live PD is hosted by Dan Abrams, who is also the chief legal affairs anchor for ABC news and does not at all look pissed that he can’t get hammered at B Dubs on the weekends anymore.

I wonder what someone would do if they get busted on Live PD Friday night. I guess in some cases, they can bail out in the morning, but where do they go? Does their social media just become nothing but busting balls? “Hey, Tom, now I know why you missed brunch this morning, LOL!” “Tom, can I have your autograph, or at least your inmate number? LOL!” “Hey Tommy Boy! My meme generator is working overtime. See you Monday morning.” “Tom, stay away from my children.”

If you actually have a life on weekend nights, and don’t sit home watching TV and writing blogs no one reads, Live PD runs “live” for 3 hours. And for the folks who actually do go out to have a life, it reruns 12-3 AM. The show has expanded to Friday and Saturday nights, has a “rewind” show the hour before and then reruns pretty much the rest of the weekend. For example, I just pulled up the schedule, and episodes of Live PD air for 15 freaking hours on Saturday. (Conversely, it’s not lost on me that a 15 hour Live PD marathon can lead to an epic drinking game, and that sounds like a damn solid idea for my next blog. And possible appearance on the show.) This is a real easy way to feel good about ourselves, guys, without all the expensive meds. I’m not a doctor, but I play one on my blog. 
How I Got addicted to Live PD
"Hi everybody!"

Conversely, it is also redeeming to go out on a Friday night, have safe but responsible fun, come home to your own bed (or not, depending on the situation), wake up late, and turn on A&E to see what knuckleheads couldn’t figure that shit out on their own. That’s so Randy.

I often wonder how the producers for Live PD pick the relatively small cities where they follow the cops. Does the conversation go, “Hi, yes, is this the mayor of Greenville County, SC? We’ve looked at the stats and there is a ridiculously high arrest rate for dipshits in your town. So how’s about we send multiple camera crews to document this, mmkay?”
"Where was this show when I was mayor of Toronto?"
(And yes, this is a Rob Ford joke in 2017.)

One can learn many a life lesson from shows like Live PD and Cops:

Generally, shirtless men are trouble.

Meth is a hell of a drug.

Every suspect proclaims their innocence. I saw one episode when the suspect proclaims his innocence, even though he was wearing his victims’ shirt and had his victims’ wallet in his pocket.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about” = “I know EXACTLY what you’re talking about.”

We’re all just one stupid decision away from fucking up our life. So straighten up and fly right. (However, this lesson does not apparently apply to persons named Tiger Woods.)

NASCAR fans seem to be sorely over represented when it comes to getting arrested. It’s not like you ever see a Real Madrid fan getting arrested. Although I suppose they probably do in the British version, Live Bobby.

No one EVER says, “What the hell is with the cameras?”

All my neighbors who think I’m the asshole neighbor have NO IDEA how bad it can be. Also, unfortunately for them, I now do have an idea how bad it can be…

So what have we learned here? We've learned that there is an endless amount of stupid out in the streets. And that, as long as we are not that stupid, life is generally not as bad as it can be. Enjoy your weekend and y'all be safe. And if you do happen to get busted on Live PD, I will pay you $25 if you mention Kevolution Theory.

Cheap plug, follow me at @ifyouseekev for humor in more manageable 140 characters or less.

Sunday, March 5, 2017

The Things I Am Too Chickenshit To Say on Facebook

I admit, I’ve been checking out on Facebook recently. For a lot of reasons. Life is more than looking at your phone. (Wow, that sounds philosophical coming from a twit like me.) I’ve just found myself generally getting annoyed and wasting vast amounts of time. I know I’ve missed a lot of birthdays, and I really don’t care if people miss mine. Which just happens to be this month, BTW. My theory is if you don’t have a present for me, just don’t say anything at all, it’s cool.

So as I lurked through FB recently, one of the reasons why I have been ditching it became apparent; a lot of my FB friends have become annoying. And someone needs to say something.

things I want to say on Facebook
Ugh, this shit again.

Now, I have no problem speaking my mind, as my five longtime readers of this here blog are well aware of. But the thing about the written word is it can be taken so many different ways. At times it’s become a cop out. It has become so much easier to text people on the phone than actually use the damn phone for it’s original intent and talk to someone.

things I want to say on Facebook
Hey! This is my secret, too!

I now see it as my duty to help straighten some of you guys out. However, the truth hurts. This week I’ve been going through Post Secret: Confessions on Life, Death and God. (If you are not familiar with the Post Secret website, do yourself a favor.)
It became clear to me the best way to call youze out on some of your shit without all the resulting butthurt is to do it anonymously. Remember, I am only doing this out of love. Or spite. OK, mostly spite. Finally, a post all about YOU!

Your children are ugly. Maybe your friends don’t want to tell you, but it’s apparent. So how about less pictures, eh?

Your boobs are great, and I wish you would show them off more.

No one cares what movie you are watching.

You can post all the hippy trippy, karma, new age-y, Buddha, Hindu and Dalai Lama quotes, pictures and memes you want. I see through that bullshit and know you’re still the same judgmental cocksucker you always have been.

You’re pro Trump. WE GET IT!

You’re anti Trump. WE GET IT!

things I want to say on Facebook
You're a winner!
I admire that you are so socially and politically aware. But, GD, I really do miss your funny posts.

I would totally bang your wife.

And yours.
And your girlfriend.
And yours.

Is your full time job just posting vapid shit on Facebook 20 times a day? Because that’s all you seem to do.

You don’t have to take every survey you see. No one cares what 70’s sitcom character you are.

I dropped you from my feed. The only reason I haven’t unfriended you is because when I am feeling down about myself, I lurk your page and think, “Thank God, I am not this flaming dipshit.” Thank you for making me feel better about myself, friend. (And I know I can’t be the only one that hangs on to some FB friends like this, right?)

No, I will NOT play freaking Candy Crush Saga with you, so knock it off with the requests.

I had the BIGGEST crush on you in high school, but I never had the balls to tell you.

I think you’re not on FB very much because you do a real good job of just going out and living your life.

The entertainment value in your self indulgent, proselytizing posts is only surpassed by your constant misspelling of common words.

Dude, not everything is a conspiracy theory, OK?

Or is that just what I want you to think?

You’re way too old to be posting shitty pop music lyrics. It’s getting kinda creepy now.

I think some of your best one liners are copied from someone else, and as a “writer” it pisses me off you don’t give them the credit.

Every time you post a picture, I get an alert and I don’t know how to make it stop.

“Oh, look, another picture of the wing from inside the plane.”

Posting pictures of an unknown beer in an unmarked glass has been deemed lame.

No more than three hashtags in a single post is the agreed upon limit. Look it up.

A picture of a plate of food serves no purpose. Just because you’re not eating at Red Robin for a change doesn’t make a damn of difference.

And BTW, checking in from Red Robin is gauche.

You are too old to be taking selfies in public bathrooms.

Can I just designate only one of you to post the Trump bits from SNL?

Your love for shitty 90s rock bands is getting more embarrassing.

I know what you did last summer.

things I want to say on Facebook

All this so called “drama” you proclaim to be so against is all of your own making, bonehead.

You claim to be “family first” but I know for a fact, you never have been. And more and more people are seeing that, too.

Just because I don’t update my status every 17 seconds for the latest cause de celebre, doesn’t mean I am a bad person. It just means I am spending time in the real world and don’t have time to read your constant nonsense.

Facebook is not your PR firm, so knock it off.

things I want to say on Facebook

Why in bloody hell do you keep watching a show that makes you cry? How is that even fun?

If you're "checking in" at the gym, just a FYI this doesn't count as "working out."
things I want to say on Facebook
God, this is worse than Crossfit.

You really are gullible, aren't you?

I guess I have to bring this up again, but God is not on Facebook. 

I feel like there could be more. There probably is more. But I hear the pizza guy at the door and someone has to eat the two pizzas and wings I ordered.

Sunday, February 5, 2017

The Best Super Bowl 51 Jokes

Wait a minute, your night ain't over, Champ. Sure, The Big Game is over, but the jokes aren't. Instead of posting all these beauts on social media, and them getting lost, I put 'em all here! In one place! So grab that Gatorade. Since I believe your recollection of the game to be "foggy at best" after all those beers, wings, nachos, poppers and secret shots you swiped from your hosts' liquor cabinet. I even have these chronologically, so it's like watching the Game all over again with your funniest, sharpest, smartest friend!  And here we go!

the best super bowl LI memes
"I got the 0 and 0 block in the pool! Woot woot!"

Y’all should be protesting Budwesier because it’s a shitty beer is all I’m sayin’.

the best super bowl LI memes and jokes
That's actually going IN to his mouth.

Instead of plowing down nachos and wings at every commercial break, I’ll be doing 10 pushups and 10 burpees. (This is how #AlternateFacts works, right?)

At halftime, the Patriots are leading and somehow the Browns are losing.

Hate on Joe Buck all you want, he could be worse. He could say, “Any now let’s got to Tony Siragusa.

the best super bowl LI memes
"They're really hitting hard down here, guys."
The conspiracy theorist in me suspects the Super Bowl is just a front for the chicken wing barons.

Hmm, Eli Manning is at the game. Tom Brady seem mumbling, "ohhh shittt" under his breath.

I wonder if Tom Brady wore his "recovery sleepwear" last night? A true steal at a hundred frigging dollars!?! I don't think I could sleep if I knew I blew a Franklin on a shirt that was supposed to help me sleep in the first place. And why in the blue hell would you want to sleep next to freaking Giselle Bundchen??

the best super bowl LI memes
"You spent how much on what??"

I appreciate that Spike is countering the Super Bowl with an all night marathon of Cops, then Jail. They just might as well do live shows from Boston and Atlanta tonight.

I wish Ving Rhames would narrate a day at my job.

Let's take a live look into what Buffalo fans are doing...
Aw, snap! You crazy Buffalo kids never change.

I don't know who Luke Bryan is, but I'm gonna hazard a guess he is everything that is wrong with country music and that's the first time he's sung without wearing a nasty ass old ball cap.

Is there any big budget movie where the world DOESN'T get blown up?

George Bush flipping a coin to make a decision is probably not the first President to do so.

Seeing as how I won a Fantasy league this year, I can imagine what these guys are feeling right now.

I am pretty sure that fly by was taped earlier. How would you know? 

Natty Ice better have some back end deal with Matt Ryan if he wins.

Maybe if they put as much work into commercials the rest of the year, they would sell more products?

Pretty sure today is Day 3 of a four day weekend in Atlanta and Boston.

Anyone else believe Arnold Schwa...Swart....Arnold has never played Mobile Strike in his life?

the best super bowl LI  memes and jokes

That's Julian Edelman's wife. No joke here. That's his wife.

0-0 at the end of one. BORING! Is there a hockey game on? I am sure all the Canadian teams are playing against each other.


Justin Bieber and Terrel Owens should not be on the same commercial together. I would think there's some sort of rule about how much "suck" can be in one commercial.

Freeman is the first player to score a TD. His jersey number? 24. That's some shrewd cross promotion there, Fox.

How late am I staying up tonight?

That is not the first time a good strip had lead to a solid score, ifyaknowwhatImean.

This game has been so bad, I'm actually peeing when Brady has the ball.Thank god this Dorito bag is empty.

After three holding penalties in a row, they really just call the next 3rd down "third and a hold."

Atlanta runs back a pick 6. Brady seen throwing a flag he had hidden in his jersey, looking for another holding call.

Did I miss the memo that said, "No funny commercials" this year. WTF? I can't do all the heavy lifting here.

the best super bowl LI jokes and memes
"My eyes are up here."

This is apparently Danny Amendola's girlfriend. No wonder he usually has good hands.

At the end of the half it's Atl 21 NE 3. I wonder if that's the same score at the White House.

At the half, somehow the Browns are losing, too.

Read my Gaga review. I swear, I don't know with the kids and their music these days. I guess Whitesnake and Marilyn Manson are passe these days. And I would damn sure check the field. A certain team could hide certain items to adjust the pressure of certain things in a certain way. But I can't be certain.

Sexy Mr. Clean will haunt my dreams tonight. What happened to the sickeningly skinny girls eating the calorie bomb Carl's Jr burgers for some eye bleach?

That's what I'm talkin' about. Quick trivia about these commercials; apparently there are hamburgers in them! I will have to watch again.

Atlanta scores another 7. It's not 28-3. Boston is ready to burn, Fox is ready to start 24 early.

Somewhere in a Kansas City Cracker Barrel, Andy Reid is going, "I like Belichick's play calling here."

Speaking of, Eagles fans are so desperate for a championship, they are now claiming Matt Ryan since he was born near Philly. No, dipshits, that's not how it works.

It only takes 43 minutes for the Patriots to score. AAANNDDDD Gost misses the kick.

Suddenly, Ryan's helmet stops working, he's sacked on the very next play. Hmmm....

This game is just not good. It's not exciting, it's quite boring and the commercials suck. I guess this is what it's like to watch the World Series.

Pretty sure it was Dan Quinn who out Belichicked Belichick by flying Eli in first class.

Eli Manning; New York Giants Walter Payton Man of The Year recipient.

Eli Manning: Atlanta Falcons Walton Payton Man of The Year recipient.

8:24 to go and Atlanta turns it over for the first time in the playoffs. Brady sacked on following play. Drunks in Boston and Atlanta start to brown back in now. Amendola scores, Pats direct snap the two point conversion. We have a game, world still hates Pats fans, sky is blue, water is wet.

If I'm Dan Quinn (the Atlanta coach, please tell me you know that by now), I'm telling Ryan (you know who he is, right?) audible "OMAHA!" every play. Even runs.

Here is where the game will be won. If Atlanta plays to win, they will win. If they play to not lose, they will lose.

3:30 to go, Pats with the ball, down by 8. 2 plays and no flags against the Falcons. Pats convert the following 3rd and 10. The amounts of people calling out of work in Atlanta and Boston sky rockets.

Edelman makes awesome catch to keep drive alive. Anti Pats fans-you know, like everybody- groans like they've been here before.


This- yes

A million times, yes. And, oh yea, Patriots score, blah blah blah. Tie ball game.

The Atl back up QB bears a more than passing resemblance to Eli Manning.

And this is the first OT Super Bowl game. I'm glad I don't have any money on this game. Because I lost it all on the Puppy Bowl.

The heartbreak one team will suffer will only be made worse by the inevitable, hilarious memes that will soon follow.

Lady Gaga Super Bowl 51 Halftime Review

I am a football fan, yes. But I am not a Lady Gaga fan. I don't think I could name one song outside of "Poker Face." So what is the take of a football fan watching Lady Gaga for the first time? I guess the halftime at the Super Bowl is a good an opportunity as I will get.

I am not enthused by the Tiffany commercial. This already tells me she is not like me. No one has really connected with me a a Super Bowl halftime show since Left Shark. I love how people say they are "too this" or "too that" and they shill for a high end jewelry company. Yup, makes sense. 

She's starting out on top of the frigging stadium? OK, that's cool, And singing a medley of American songs. Somewhere Sting and Shawn Michaels knows how she gets down. That's a lot of fucking faith in those wires. 

I don't know what bloody song she's doing now, and I am OK with that. I am pretty sure all the kids on the field have no idea what a on side kick is. And if I was a player I'd be pretty pissed that the field is most likely getting trashed right now by a bunch of Little Monsters wearing heels and jumping up and down.

The handheld keyboard is such an underused instrument. Maybe Kimmel should have played that in high school instead of the clarinet.

lady gaga super bowl 51 halftime review

It seems like her hair is growing during the performance. These songs are all starting like they are from the same soundtrack of a teen movie. The part where the girl thinks she lost the guy, but anyone with half a brain knows they are totally getting together. 

I don't know what I watched, but it was inoffensive enough to not piss anyone off. Now be sure you inspect the field, because I am sure the Patriots are up to some shenanigans in the second half.

Saturday, February 4, 2017

So, Last Night I was Drunk and Went Shopping on Amazon

I think we’ve all pretty much have had Saturday (or this coming Monday) mornings like this:

“Oh, God, what did I drink last night? Was that really a fishbowl of Harvey Wallbangers? And who drinks Harvey Wallbangers anymore? All right, let’s take stock of the current situation. Where. Am. I?” Slowly, cautiously looks around. “My bed. OK, this is good.” Swings legs off of bed onto floor. “Oh God! Is that vomit? Is that really vomit?” Yes, it really, really is vomit. This is bad. “Wait a minute, is that corn? I haven’t eaten corn for three months! Not my vomit. Good. Somebody else is cleansies. Now let me check my phone. Oh shit, the battery is almost drained! WhatdidIdo? Whatdidido?” Plugs in charger, screen is smudged with what appears to be queso. “Let me check texts.” No drunken texts. “Whew. Oh God, Facebook! WhatdidIdo?” Facebook is clear. “Oh God Twitter! What did I Twee… ppffttt, just kidding, no one tweets anymore.” Checks what windows are open. “Hmm…GIS sexy neighbor…nope, that’s not her. Huh. Amazon is open. Oh God. What. Did. I. Do? Much like a bad Celine Dion song, it’s all coming back to me now.”

What? You’ve never had a morning like this? Only me? (Awkward pause.) Sooooo anyway….
 Apparently I went drunk Amazon shopping last night. Now, it’s up to me to fashion some sort of story as to how I purchased a seemingly bunch of random things. There really should be some sort of safeguard on Amazon so this doesn’t happen. I remember reading a story I just made up how approximately 9% of Amazon’s profits come from drunk shopping. BTW, pro tip from your old bud Kev Theory-Honey. Your reckless spending won't be as bad. Theoretically.

We’ll start at the top. I distinctly remember shopping Amazon for a new trimmer. My old one is pretty busted, and it’s time to do some manscaping. I hope to one day shave images into my face to distract from the overall ugly.

I still have illusions of growing one of those long, thick beards that are in vogue with hipsters and bald guys who can’t grow hair anywhere else on their head. I can tell when my meager “beard” gets a little too shaggy when I take a drink of Malibu and diet, and I can still taste it five minutes later. It’s the gift that keeps on giving. It’s like drinking twice. I seemed to also pick out a model that vacuums as well. Ah, always thinking. And it’s not lost on me I’m apparently not the only one thinking about manscaping.
Dale forever. Suck it, junior.
Again, apparently I am not the only one thinking ahead here.

OK, this isn’t too bad. I admit, this is where I begin to brown out, but I am super sure I am still a responsible shopper who only buys the absolute necessities. What else is in the cart?

I think it’s kinda lipstick on a pig kinda thing at this point, but cool. Aww, well look at Buzzed Kev, looking out for the mess that is Everyday Kev. I find this inspiring, like subconsciously, I’m telling myself I am handsome, desirable, confident and secure. Way to go, Buzzed Kev! I am anxious to see what’s next in the cart.

What the fuck, Buzzed Kev? That’s just mean! I am pretty sure (judging by the empty Skinny Girl Sangria bottles-don’t judge- by the Lazy Boy) the black out is settling in. I feel like we’re taking a turn here. Buzzed Kev is now Drunk Kev.

Oh, FFS Drunk Kev. Drunk, Lonely, Horny Kev. Well, at least the reviews make this seem like a semi sensible purchase.

And to be fair, I have always found the sensation of a boob in my hand seems to make stress disappear. And twenties. Lots and lots of twenties disappear. I went to a strip club once and found glitter in my wallet the next day. My empty, empty wallet. But that’s for another post. What else is in the cart?

Sweet! If I had to have one replica wrestling championship belt it would be ECW. And 65 bucks seems like a fair price. Wait, it’s a kids belt? GD it Drunk Kev, get your shit together. How is this supposed to impress the lady folk? It’s gotta be a pretty wasted girl that believes I am a real wrestling champion. Sigh, this belt will never get glitter on it. I haz a sads.

Awww, Drunk Kev, you still get me. And that’s a damn good price for 18 boxes of tissues! Way to pull yourself back together, DK! We are best buds!

Oh. Dear. God. Bloody hell. Drunk Kev just played me. Wai…$2300!! FFFuuuuuuuuucckkk me. Wait. Cumisha is in it? Well, then, this is a total waste of money. Amazon will be getting a very angry call shortly. After I get all liquored up again to complain about shelling out 23frigging hundred dollars for porn. Porn is free these days. This is bad. Very bad. There should be some sort of automatic warning triggered in Amazon whenever you try to blow a ton of dough on worthless shit. Did I already tell you guys about that article I read about how 9% of Amazon’s profits come directly from drunken shopping? Right now, I think it’s up to 14%. MFers. I’d like to say it can only go uphill from here, but….

WTF?! I already bought those! GGGRRRR. These are getting regifted for Xmas. You’re welcome, Dad. Oh, look, there’s more stuff in my cart. How freaking late did I stay up last night wasting money?

I don’t even fish.

I don’t even know how I got here. But ladies, here is the takeaway. This look is HAWT. I have a pair to sell you cheap. Real cheap. HMU. WTF, One item left. BTW, y’all should note I use and you should, too. It’s a great way for your reckless Friday night purchases to help various causes. So…

Yup, makes sense.

Wednesday, January 4, 2017

The Dumb And Dumbest Jim Carrey Quote

Sweet Baby Jebus, is this Jim Carrey quote even real? I know our social media feeds are littered with inspirational life quotes we all hear in our head as being read by Morgan Freeman. And I know I’ve written about this type stuff before, but here’s another quote that just got under my skin, and I have exactly 58 minutes before hockey starts, so another quick and dirty post. Here is the quote in question:

the dumb and dumbest jim carrey quote


the dumb and dumbest jim carrey quote

Let’s break this utter cowshit down in parts.

“I hope everybody could get rich and famous…”

the dumb and dumbest jim carrey quote
"I don't need a bat, plus I rock purple lipstick."
Look, I am not belittling Jim Carrey himself here, per se. He paid his dues honing his comedy chops for years in dingy comedy clubs to earn all his success. I would imagine most of us have been entertained by him at some point: In Living Colour, Ace Ventura, Mask and Kick Ass 2. (I mention KA2 because it’s a great under rated movie. And Night Bitch. Yum. Yea, you heard me, Harley Quinn.)  

He’s worked for everything he has. I believe most of us, in our own ways and our own jobs, work for everything we have. Except most of the bosses I’ve ever worked for, who have been raging assholes. Anyway, when I get the chance, I will always opt for money over fame. Unless Kate Beckinsale is in the room, then I might opt for fame. But until that blessed event occurs outside my whiskey fueled delusions, I will take money every time. Money lasts far longer if you are smart about it. Fame generally comes and a lot of times, goes. I could do a lot of nice things with fame, but I can’t pay my mortgage 15 years later after my 15 minutes of fame runs out. Money I can invest to create more money. Money can make me comfortable the rest of my life. Money can get me a beach house with a gym. Money can allow me to give money to charities and causes I really believe in. Like the Fund To Get Kevolution Theory A Beach House With a Gym, And Maybe A Writing Room. Like, how cool would it be to go to a charity event, and wrap a couple hundred dollar bills inside a few singles, then slip it in the donation box? I am pretty sure Karma would smile down upon me, and oh my God, is that Kate Beckinsale standing right over there?

the dumb and dumbest jim carrey quote
I have seen every Under World movie, but I can't tell you the plot of any of them.

“…and have everything they ever dreamed of…”

Again, this is all nice sentiment. I don’t know, Jim, I have some pretty whacked dreams, so to hear some celebrity is pulling for me is kind of sweet. Thanks, Jim I dream of owning a helper monkey. I dream of world peace. I dream of clean oceans. I dream of no more auto-tune, how to play the guitar, to own an original arcade game of Mario Bros., an Avalanche Stanley Cup in my lifetime and benching more than half my weight. But, you know, mostly that world peace and clean ocean type stuff.

“…so they will know that its not the answer.”

the dumb and dumbest jim carrey quote
Even the Answer can tell you the answer is not practice.
Really, Jim, seriously?? Well, then FFFUUCCKKKKK YYOOUUUUU. Please explain how any of the above would not only be the answer for me, but for a lot of other folks? I would never work another day in my life, not worry about a GD thing and also take care of the world around me? I don’t know who you think you are, young man, but this quote is utter bullshit and offensive. I love when all these celebrities-who are already rich and famous-say ignorant nonsense like this. Again, not knocking any celeb at all here-well, at least the ones who struggled, sacrificed and worked for their money and fame-but to the every day ham-and-egger that is busting their ass, this quote is offensive. I am pretty sure the single mom who works three jobs to support her kids would argue with such a statement. I know plenty out of work writers who don’t even have a real job that you could trade places with and see how stupid that quote is.

Quick research seems to indicate this Jim Carrey quote is, in fact, legit. If you haven't been thoroughly entertained by this post, go Google that quote, and read every other idiot's interpretation of it. That's a follow up post for another time. Right now my 58 minutes are up, the game is on and I'm all jazzed up on three chocolate bars. Oh, and this.

the dumb and dumbest jim carrey quote
"Ahh, Kate, I hate to see you go, but I love to watch you leave."

Monday, January 2, 2017

Resolutions I Am Planning To Break in 2017

(OK, OK so it's already January 2nd, and I am just now getting to a resolutions post? Well, sometimes that's how the cookie crumbles. And if's it's anything like the multitude of Xmas cookies I have been housing, this post will be delicious! Honestly, this was mostly written and in the can a few days before NYE. But I didn't think it was good enough. And then NYE happened, and, well, we all know how that goes. Now that I have fully slept off my hangover, I slapped a fresh coat of paint on, and we're ready to go.)

The obligatory New Years’ 2017 resolutions post. Did you guys even notice I had TWO posts for your Xmas reading pleasure? What better way to get you into the spirit than by hearing some original Xmas tunes and some cool covers? And how many presents did it get me? ZILCH. I think for Xmas next year, I’m going to ask for grateful readers, you heartless goblins. Now a week later, we’re all looking down the barrel of 2017. Everyone’s busy making New Years’ resolutions. In fact, as of this writing, if you Google ‘best 2017 resolutions’, you will only have about 181,000,000 articles that match up. Well, I guess make that 181,000,001. Pour the coffee.

Here’s the thing. I don’t believe in New Years resolutions. I tried to make some last year (and it’s a good thing I reread this, as I was unconsciously using some of the same jokes.) And I’ve pointed out the uselessness of making NY resolutions all together. But yet, like sheep, we continue this inane practice. “Next year, I’m gonna be perfect, GD it!” As my personal friends know, I’m as close to perfect as one can get. But there’s all kinds of news stories and articles and blog posts about making resolutions. We never seem to learn. The resolutions generally never seem to change, and we generally find new ways to tell ourselves we suck. Yay traditions!

I’m sure as this year winds down and celebrities are desperately hiding from the Reaper for the next few days, most of you are busily scribbling down resolutions for yourselves. So I guess to feel at one with the humanoids, I will also try to come up with some of mine. The thought here being that my resolutions are probably far better and more creative than your stupid efforts to “finally run a 5K” or “bring reusable bags to the Piggly Wiggly."

Here are my best resolutions for 2017. And since my main source of income these days is to rescue recyclables from the trash and trade them in for money on scratch off tickets, I am also handicapping the likelihood of my resolutions actually working out on a scale of 1 to 10. If you don’t understand that, then you are also probably reading fake news sites.

Be More Timely With Posts. I know, I know, it's already January 2nd. I'll get better. For example, I am already halfway through my President's Day post.
Chance 7/10

Actually Get A Dollar for Writing This year I thought I had a real gig that would pay me real money. Like, maybe even enough to afford one imported beer at non Happy Hour prices. Newsflash; writers get paid shit, even less so to write on line. I’m going to try to learn about this whole SEO thing, and how to get eyeballs on my own blog, and attempt to write a bit more snarky current event things. I truly do enjoy writing, but the return on investment can suck balls.

Here’s what writing is like. Spend a few hours (and usually more writing, rewriting, editing, adding and captioning pics) when I could be doing other things. Post it, link to it from FB and Twitter, maybe get 40 reads. Barely a comment, barely a like. Yet I will run into people IRL who tell me how much they enjoy my stuff. Why do people throw encouragement around like it a manhole cover?
Yet some dipshit posts yet another lame car selfie, and it gets 80 likes in half a minute. Yup, that nonsense really inspires me. 
Best Resolutions for 2017
"I'mma just gonna take one quick selfie because my hair looks fresh going 60 MPH."

Chance of making even one dollar writing in 2017 1/10

Finally Shred Down to 6 pack abs
Chance 0/10 Next!

Down Six Packs
Chance 149/10

Achieve Enlightenment
Chance 0/10. Put the pipe down, Kev.

Manage to Hurt Myself Less 2016 was a great year for bleeding and bulging discs.
Chance 8/10

Read More Books Since losing my last job, I have had more time to get back to reading. And I’ve been really enjoying it. I find (if the book is good enough) reading can help level me out on a particularly stressful day. It can also serve to inspire me to write. I find myself picking apart the book, trying to figure out the inspiration for a story, or how the author set something up. Also, I heard reading books makes you more smarter.
Chance 7/10

Listen to My Inner Voice
Inner voice” You know what, Kev, you’re pretty awesome as you are.”
Me “You know what? You’re right! Let’s go get pizza.”
Inner voice “Yay pizza!’
Chance 6/10

Realize There's More Than One Voice In My Head Who just said that!?
Chance 8/10

Best resolutions for 2017

Put the Damn Phone Down I’ll be the first to admit, I’ve been living on my phone too much. Lately, I’ve gotten better at keeping the phone far away, and just trying to be present in the moment; playing with the dog, reading, writing, watching TV. Man, it really pisses me off whenever I watch a hockey game and I see the fans sitting front row, right behind the glass, right behind the team. And they’re all staring at their phones. Life is what happens when you are not staring at your phone, people.
Chance 7/10

Best resolutions for 2017
Millennials being millennials. 

Avoid Becoming a Celebrity After 2016, really, who dafuq wants to be famous? A list actors, talented musicians, z list reality stars, no one was safe. So unless Drunk Kev gets spotted in a video that goes viral, I’m feeling pretty good about not getting famous in 2017.
Chance 10/10

Only Acknowledge 2017 as 20Kevinteen Admit, that’s kinda catchy, right? Don’t be jealous your name can’t do that, let me have my moment. Or more specifically, my year.
Chance 3/10

Volunteer More I’m talking about doing something nice for the sake of it. I would like to believe that at least Karma exists, that if you put good out, good comes back to you. And even if it doesn’t come back to you, do good anyway. (And no, I’m not gonna get all hippy trippy on you. What you do with your Chakras and chupacabras is up to you.) Volunteering is ridiculously easy to do. Get your head out of your ass, you selfish son of a bitch. There are plenty of people (and animals) who need you.
Chance 7/10

Best resolutions for 2017
In the time it would take you to walk this dog, I could totally ruin Sarah McLachlan's day.

I'm sure there's more. But I am pretty hellatight. So if I had to say, I would say these are my resolutions for 2017. Feel free to swipe a few for yourself. The world needs more people like me anyway.