New Years Resolutions

Originally written 12/26/7

Yes, while the more astute (look it up) among you might be thinking “geez, Kevolution Theory sure is writing a lot about holidays. It’s almost like he’s having writers’ block, and for inspiration, he looks to the calendar for inspiration. Man, sure can’t wait for his Arbor Day post.” this is not that kind of post. Instead, think of it more along the lines of expose (the article, not the girl band from the late 80s early 90s) or even friendly advice. Yes, I like to look out for my readership, in one day of hopes of breaking the elusive 15 friends barrier. This is the time of year most look to better themselves. They look to make these things called ‘resolutions’, whereby if they follow these self imposed new rules or practices, they will thereby achieve personal nirvana. Common resolution run along the lines of losing weight, reading more, spending more time with family, being more patient, getting less drunk, being nicer, etc. I think you get the point.

Here’s the truth about New Years’ resolutions; more times than not they are a crock, and you set yourself up for failure. Let’s break it down a bit.

Scientific studies (and by that I mean based on my own general opinion) show that you are more likely to break a NYR than a resolution you make at any other time. Think about it. Is there any real difference between making a resolution on Jan 1 or Feb 23? May 16? Aug 24? No. Many suckers fall for the ‘new year, new me’ routine. This is flawed, as I will later discuss. Sure, it’s slightly harder to calculate your progress on a resolution if you start at a date such as April 6 than Jan 1. But chances are you will be much more clear headed on April 6 than Jan 1. In fact, I can make the argument that resolutions that are made Jan 1 are easier to break because you don’t give yourself a clear enough shot to start them.

First of all, by deciding you will do a few NYR, you set yourself up for failure the rest of this year. You will develop the mentality of “you know I’ll just eat a few more cannoli’s and a few more bottles of Jack because next year I will work this all off.” You give yourself a week to splurge on your weaknesses, because you think you will suddenly be the ideal person come Jan 1. I think I know my readership well enough to paint the picture of our typical experience when we wake up on Jan 1. We are on someone’s floor. The floor seems to be spinning and hitting potholes. The dog-good god, I hope that’s the dog-is licking off leftover wing sauce from my face. The blanket I thought I crawled under is really the throw rug. What I thought was the pillow is really shaving cream and silly string. What I thought was the toilet last night was actually the answering machine. What I thought was vomit on my shirt is, well, it actually is vomit. Hmm, where’s the dog now? Is this any shape to start your New Years’ Resolution?

Clearly, no, it is not. Unless your NYR is to be a bump on the log and watch TV till 7 AM the next day. Certainly, this is no way to start the road to a better you. But all is not lost. What would Kevolution Theory be if I didn’t offer you at least a few solutions to helping you achieve your goals?

Wanna lose some weight? Hang out with fatter friends. Or at least fatten up your current ones. Wanna drink less? Hang out with people who drink more. Hell, they might even get drunk and buy you drinks. Wanna read more? Than stop by this here page. Wanna get a new job? Well, I can’t help ya out there, sport.

So in conclusion, do not make any NYR till at least Jan 3, if you must. Other than that, remember you are better off, and it’s easier, to just start something new on Jan 3. Or do what I do. Don’t make any at all. It’s easy to keep, and you feel better when you do.