Originally written 1/2/8
Many people don’t know this, but when the video game Pitfall came out, it was originally based on a guy buying presents for his girl. Instead of navigating over crocodile pits and underground tunnels with snakes, it was based in a mall. Pitfall Harry had to navigate through pushy crowds, deranged Santas, prying BFFS and stores rife with traps. But that idea was shelved for being “too real”. And besides, who would want to buy a video game about shopping anyway? (And if they did, it would in fact count as that ‘lousy gift’.)
First, let’s set a few ground rules. No matter how long you have been dating Ms. Wonderful, realize her list is a trap. Sure, she will give you items that she wants. She can be very specific, and even assign you gifts that only you can get her. But the most important thing is the item that’s not written. Think of it as a test, because it is, bucko. The unwritten item on her list says one of two things. One; “I’ve been dropping hints about this for months now, and even though I didn’t write it down on this list, if you’ve been paying attention, you know I want it. Now prove to me you pay attention to me, and have it under the tree.” Or two; “Listen up, since you know me better than anyone else on this planet, there is one obvious item not on this list that you know I want. Now go prove your love, and go get it for me.” Either way, you’re pretty screwed, so good luck with that. My experience will give you a hint and tell you this item is not at any Pep Boys.
Secondly, it’s understood that you are not buying gifts for your girlfriend if you are married. If you find yourself in this situation, at least use cash. And don’t mess up sizes. Dead man walking. Let it also be understood that we are avoiding all the stereotypical blunders are being avoided for the sake of this article. No gym memberships/exercise stuff unless you plan to be sweating it out right next to her, Schwarzenegger. No lingerie. Just because it’s Xmas for you doesn’t mean she will dig the ‘Santa’s Little Helper’ or ‘Naughty Schoolgirl’ outfit you dig. Exception; if she does dig this stuff, then it is your manly duty to encourage her in this endeavor. Any cleaning items are expressly to be avoided. If you don’t buy a Swiffer for your sty, don’t buy one for her. Tools. Exception; she already said she will redo your bathroom. Anything you really want for yourself. It’s a bit too obvious when she opens up Madden 08 or cage fighting DVDs. Sex toys. That stuff is better for birthdays, anyway.
So remember, this is a test, and we’re looking to score points here. With that in mind, for my fellow brothers, I offer a list of things obvious and not so obvious to give your sweetie.
DVDS of her favorite shows/movies. While you may think you are scoring points buying her the latest season of Grey’s Anatomy or Desperate Housewives, remember she might actually want to watch these shows. With you. Maybe even twice; once just the show, then again with the commentary. Are you really prepared to spend the night with Brad Pitt or some guy named McDreamy? You better be prepared if you decide to go this route. And if this does happen to you, you have every right to make her watch cage fighting DVDs with you. You give to get.
Anything that is sold at the nearest convenience store. No, not even to “be funny”.
Anything she can easily buy for herself (especially if it’s a bad habit). So every time you go over to her apartment, there’s Diet Coke in the fridge, so you buy her a case or two. Wrong! You make think this makes you look observant, but to her this makes you look cheap. She’s addicted to coffee, so you buy her a pound. If she smokes, don’t encourage her by buying her a carton of her Slims. No no no no. Booze is a bit of a tough call. Just enough to enjoy or set the mood, but certainly not enough to have her vomit after an hour.
Anything that is alive. Geezoman, this is a big no no. Giving her anything bigger than a RoboPup shows her that a commitment must be coming soon. Giving her something exotic –say a lizard with a note saying ‘from your Lizard King’-’ is highly unadvised. The poor guy will be sewering before you know it. Unless a ring is in fact coming-think by Valentine’s Day-don’t do it. Even if she coos at every puppy she sees, don’t do it. Exception; Sea Monkeys. Sea Monkeys generally don’t last long, and landlords don’t bitch about them. You never hear couples breaking up bitching over who gets custody of the Sea Monkeys.
Anything with Jenna Jameson’s face on it. Yea, this is pretty obvious, but I just wanted to cover the bases here. Just because Jenna uses a trimmer doesn’t mean your girl will feel compelled to.
Perfume, etc. yea, I know this is quite popular, but also personal. You might think she smells good when she smells like vanilla, but she might think otherwise. Don’t fall for all the female celebrity scents out there. She may be a fan of Jennifer Lopez or Mariah Carey, it doesn’t mean she wants to smell like them. If your girl wants to smell like Britney, dump a few beers on her and you’re good to go.
Don’t give her a gift that if she doesn’t like she “can totally give it to her younger sister.”
Artwork/posters. I may not know your squeeze, but I do know she wouldn’t want the John Belushi ‘college’ poster to adorn her wall. Don’t pretend you get her tastes here. Yea, we both think a Rocky poster is iconic, but she probably doesn’t want it in her kitchen. No sculpture, no paintings (especially on black velvet) and unless you’re good, nothing from your artistic hand. However, be aware that if she does give you something handmade, you have to proclaim it the “best one of these things I have ever seen”.
Toys. No, not those toys. I mean actual Toys R Us toys. You may think it’s cute. She will think it’s creepy. You may have put much thought into your selections, but she will see you as either 1) a perv 2) immature 3) stealing stuff from your younger brother 4) cheap and unoriginal 5) a perv. Try to show some restraint here. But do feel free to buy all the cool toys you want for yourself. It’s not like she’s gonna buy them for you.
This is just a brief list of stuff not to buy. If you want the list of stuff you can buy for her, and then just ask her. Don’t stray too far from it. Yes, it’s boring and safe, but that’s the point. Remember, she’s probably going through the same thing to buy your stuff. Except, of course, you’re much easier to buy for.
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