Halloween

Originally written 10/11/7

20 days. That’s it till Halloween. Halloween needs its own countdown, like the 12 Days of Xmas. On the first day of Halloween, my true love gave to me..a cow’s heart beating bloodily. I love Halloween, I think it’s my favorite holiday. Sure, it’s hard to beat Xmas when ya get presents and shit. Outside of that, and maybe fireworks on the 4th of July, Halloween is tops.

I’ve loved Halloween for as long as I can remember. Looking back now at my early obsession with it, I think it had everything to do with escapism. (Yea, surprise). I was a nerd in grade school. (Yea, surprise.) I was a nerd in high school. (Surprise again). I was a nerd in college. I was a nerd in my 20s. You get the point. But for one day, just one day, this nerdly second grader could be someone. For one day, for a few hours, really, you could be a super hero, or an athlete, rock star or TV star. For one day, you were that person. Well, except for that poor kid that really thought he was Superman, and flung himself off the top of the school. You became that costume. I vividly remember most of the costumes I wore as a kid. Stormtrooper. Ponch from CHiPs. (Shut up.) Dracula. Pacman, complete with yellow pants.

Back in those days (can you hear my rocker creaking on the porch now?) you could actually wear your costume in school. Going to Catholic school, no one had a problem if a kid was Darth Vader or a bank robber. It was all seen for what it should be; just kids having fun. It kills me nowadays to see schools banning Halloween, forbidding overtly Halloween decorations in the classroom, even banning the wearing of costumes at all. Let kids be kids, Goddamn it. But back then, no one wanted to make it an issue that there kid was dressing up as the Evil Lord of the Sith while at Catholic school.

I was always a fan of horror flicks. Back then, they were almost impossible to see. I was always checking out monster books at the library. I even managed to check out the book Halloween that the movie was based on. The first R-rated movie I ever saw was Creepshow at a neighbor’s house.

I remember trick or treating one year. There was a neighbor’s house on the other corner from us. And they turned it into a haunted house. I thought that was so fucking cool. I remember walking in to the living room. They moved most of the furniture out. The room was lit only in blacklight. There was the daughter, about 10 years older than me, kneeling in a cardboard box, just her head sticking out with make up on. How fucking cool. Here’s this house I had been into dozens of times, and it looked wicked cool in my impressionable eyes. Sure, they put some thought into it ahead of time, but to me, it was just like it popped up overnight. Shit, I thought, I can do this. The very next day, I went to the furthest part of my backyard. I raked the leaves up to make it look like a grave. I made a cross with wood from the garage and stuck it at the head. “Yea, I can do this.” And I was hooked.

The next year, I started planning early. I would be in school, drawing haunted houses and making Halloween shit. It just psyched me out more. At night, I would be getting clothes, taking them down to the basement, and stuffing them with newspaper. I would be getting cardboard boxes to look like gravestones. I got old gloves and shoes. I would try to think what would scare me when I went to a house. I even came up with a name for my display. Mount Neverest. Yea, I know, but at that time, it sounded really cool.

Halloween day, I would rush home on a sugar high. I would hastily construct my graveyard. I raked leaves to look like plots, then put crosses or cardboard boxes as headstones. I took all the stuffed body parts out and threw them on the lawn, I even painted the exposed paper red. I put sticks in the graves and put gloves on them, failing to realize that no one ever got buried in winter gloves. I did a quick run of houses to get more Reese’s and M&Ms, and then ran home to try to scare other kids. I can’t recall what I actually wore though. I remember one year I got a big sleeveless vest that I could I could hide my head in, thus giving the illusion I was headless. I would hide behind the wall of the steps that lead to the front door and scare kids. Simple, but hella fun. Like most big events, my kid mind had played it up so much that it went by so fast. At the end, I was hooked. I knew I would have to do this again.

For the next year, I knew I would have to invest into some props. Red newspaper wasn’t going to cut it. My big investment on my paperboy salary was a $13 rubber hand from Spencer’s that moved. I set the yard up the same, but with more of everything. More body parts, more graves, more crosses. It was all nice and polite and stuff, but it was missing something; that one big scare. The yard was pretty open, so it would be hard to hide stuff. How was I gonna scare these kids? Plus, the more kids I scared away, the more leftover candy I would get. There was always an ulterior motive.

The cycle had already started. There was only one way to go now. Up. As in the roof up.

I got the brilliant idea of stuffing last years’ Halloween costume and putting it on the roof. I had to be like 12 at the time. And to this day, I still wonder just how the hell I convinced my parents to let me do this. But there I was hauling out the ladder Halloween day and taking a stuffed body up on the roof. I positioned it so it was right above the front door. In the darkness, it couldn’t be seen. O man, this was going to be sweet. But it was a one shot deal. I couldn’t master any technology that would allow me to get it back to the roof. So I waited till the biggest group of kids was at the door, and pulled the rope.

It just missed them. They were sure scared shitless. Again, I wonder how my parents ever let me do that.

With this yearly build of the Mighty Mount Neverest came the mounting pressure to make it different and better. The next improvement was simple. Make it a two man deal. By this time, the kid next to me was digging what I was doing. He was probably about 6-7 years younger than me and wanted to help. In a move that would later belie my shear adulthood brilliance in all matters, I got him to do …nothing. At this time, I was the only one doing any sort of Halloween presentation in a 4 block radius. There was another one a few blocks away that I went to just to see what they were doing. And a few folks put up a blacklight, or dressed as ghosts to give out candy. But that was grade school, man. I was the big leagues. It really got to be about scaring the bejesus out of the neighborhood kids. (Note that all this stuff will later on play a part.) I really wanted to get in at least one good scare.

So we set the yard up again. I’m sure we had a few more props and what not. I had Jeff dress up as a stuffed dummy. I sat him in a lawn chair right by where the kids would have to go up the steps to the front door. By this time, I’m sure I was dressed as something scary, but can’t recall. Jeff could see out his mask. The kids would be a bit trepadacious to come up. I wouldn’t scare them, just move to them. Some would walk right up to Jeff, ask me if he was fake, and I would say yea. (I lived in a very naïve neighborhood.) They would go up and get the candy. As they came back down the steps, Jeff would jump up and scream, and the kids would shit themselves. Jeff didn’t care how old or young they were. He was a pro. He even got the neighbor down the street who came up to check out my work. I don’t know where he is these days, but hopefully he will be scaring kids at his own house this Halloween.

As I grew into my teens, I stopped doing Mount Neverest. I don’t know why. Maybe I thought it just wasn’t “cool” anymore. Maybe I actually had Halloween parties to go to. As I progressed (and I use that term loosely) through my 20’s, I looked forward to Halloween even more because of the parties. It started to dawn on me, that while Hween was mostly thought of as a kids holiday, us adults sure had a slamming time as well. It was still escapism, but the parties were very adult. They were adult because they were very un-politically correct. You could see vulgar and offensive costumes. You would see creative and hysterical costumes. Most of all you saw chicks in costumes.

They say these days Halloween has morphed into just a big a day for the grown ups as it is for the kids. And I totally get that. Quite frankly, in these fucking PC times where one motard complains and the fun stops for everyone, for the most part Hween remains unPC for the grown ups. We go to one Hween party a year. I really wish it was more. I get caught up, because I love the holiday so much, to come up with the most creative costume going. Every year we fail. We’ve had some good ones, though. Undertaker & Lita. Grinch and Suzy Loohoo. Notice a trend there? Yup, she has it in that we have to have matching costumes. While that does add a degree of challenge, I also feel it limits us. What’s to say she doesn’t have a killer idea on her own, and I have my own? But, no, like some sort of demented Raggedy Ann & Andy, we have to do something that matches. And it doesn’t help that the people that go to this party have killer ideas. Everyone knows that one couple that just ace Halloween every year. Every year, they have the most original, funny costume. The couple that I refer to have been Ron Burgundy & Veronica Corningstone (from Anchorman, readers of the old bulletin board should remember a post about that), Captain Stubing and Vicki from Love Boat. I don’t know what they will be this year, but I am sure it will be just as good. As a service to those who are going to a Hween party, and need some ideas, here are some other great costumes I have seen over the years. I saw some guy come as a mattress. He had an old single mattress, and just cut it up in the middle so he could fit in. The best part was he could pass out wherever and be right in bed. Aunt Jemima and a waffle. Rocky and Adrian. A cue ball and a pool table. Butt Pirates. A guy in the shower and his wife was a plumber. (Gee, honey, I have no idea why the drain is backed up.)A scientist who had an experiment blow up.

Now let’s be honest. Fellas, I’m talking to you here. We all really know what Halloween is all about. It’s about slutting up your wife/girlfriend. I can’t tell you how many girls I’ve known over the years that I just thought “eh” about. But then you put her in a Batgirl costume, and it’s boner time! I’ll be honest-and you shitheads don’t say this to my wife-I try to slut her up. Every year she bugs me for ideas and –surprise-all my ideas, whether she knows it or not, somehow slut her up. I mean she’s way hot and all, so let’s show her off. My best idea so far for this year is Bret Michaels and the pink haired girl from Rock of Love. Don’t know if that will work, but guys, you can fell free to use that idea. Just don’t go to the party we’re going to. Regardless, I always feel a bit underdressed for the party. But at what other occasion can you play Beer Pong with a nun, Ric Flair and Terrell Owens?

These last few days, I have really been getting into the mood. I am almost finished watching the Friday the 13th boxset. (the first 8 movies, with a bonus disc. And yes I am loser enough to watch the movie once, then go back and watch it again with the commentary on. It’s funny how all these guys actually do work at making these movies more than just typical slasher. But that’s still what they are. And if you just wanna save yourself a bunch of time, here’s every kill chronologically http://www.cracked.com/index.php?name=News&sid=2227

Some nights AMC will show nothing but vintage B&W horror movies. They’re a great watch. If you never saw the original Night of the Living Dead, I highly recommend it. It holds up very well, and was a pretty radical movie for that time. You can find it on DVD for dirt cheap. I have to dig out my Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown DVD. Ghost Hunters on SciFi has been great these last few weeks, and they have another live Halloween special this year. And I’m making plans to see Saw IV opening weekend.

As I walk Bauer through the neighborhood, I see more and more houses and getting decked out with Hween stuff. It’s cool to see how when I was a kid, not a lotta people got into it, but now it’s a big to do. I can appreciate the houses that have the cutesy stuff up. A lot of houses just buy whatever Target is hawking this year and put it out, which is kind of a bummer. Anyway, it’s still cool to walk at night and see Hween lights.

One of the great things about buying our own house is obviously the Halloweens. I have a whole new canvas to play with. And, what? Tara’s a teacher? That’s guaranteed kids. Game fucking on. Tara wasn’t totally on board with the Halloween thing the first year. She’s more Xmas, fucking freak. But she was a trooper, and volunteered to help. I’m so hardcore Halloween, that when I was working I would take off Halloween, and the day after to buy new shit at half off to use the following year. Now with Tar being a teacher and all, we were sure our house would get egged and TP’d for Mischief Night. Plus, we put Bauer out on a tether in the front yard. It’s not like I can set up too much stuff early. Turns out, we never maliciously get TP’d, but I still have the dog to worry about, so I have to set everything up Hween day.

Our first year, I do up the front yard. I splurged, and bought all kinds of new stuff. Tara put word out to stop by. I was the only one in 2 blocks doing any sort of presentation. I worked all day on setting stuff up, running cords out the window ‘cause we had no outside outlets at that time. It was showtime!

All of a sudden, a van pulls up, and parks right in front of my yard. You have got to be fucking kidding me. Of all the Goddamned houses on the street…

If there’s one thing I learned from my time at WEA, it’s to make do with the shit you’ve been handed. The way I set the strobe up, it shot towards the house. I saw if I hid behind the van, the kids couldn’t see me. As the kids walked up the driveway to the house, I could get right behind them. Like I said above, this is war: it’s about the scare and my candy. I’m not a big candy guy, I buy good shit so I can eat it when it’s over. If these little fuckers think they’re getting the good stuff for free, they got another thing coming.

As they turned around from getting the candy I was right there. BOO! Screams. O the sweet, sweet heavenly sounds of screams on Halloween night. Kids dropped their candy. Kids ran. Kids screamed for their mommy. How is this not a kick ass holiday? As I was hiding by the van, a group of kids went up. I could hear their parents on the other side of the van. I heard the dad say “Aw, this ain’t so scary.” GAME FUCKING ON MOTHERFUCKER. I let the kids go, I was gonna get this guy. I sprang out and yelled right in his face.

You never heard such a feminine scream. “OK,” the guy told me, clutching his sally chest,”ya got me.” That is one of my crowning achievements so far.

Now two blocks away there was another house. And these guys were good. They had a great presentation. They had a ton of smoke machines, and tarped off the yard so the smoke stayed in. They had all kinds of guys on masks running around. They even had a guy in an electric chair prop, with the current running above his head on wires. Great stuff. But they didn’t scare kids. It was just a great show. We went by there last year to see what he was doing, and there was nothing. It was kind of a shame, but hopefully that sent more kids to us. Turns out, someone actually cut a kid with a prop chainsaw, and the poor guy had to move. But, man, that’s fucking hardcore.

Now a block away we got another house that does good shit. They grew quick. One year, they just ran kids through the front yard. A good presentation, with lots of guys in masks, running around. They had loud sound effects and tiki torches in the front yard. (I wanted to do that, too, but didn’t want kids running into them. Although that would be pretty hardcore, too) Last year, they branched out, and ran kids through their backyard. You could hear kids screaming for houses. I walked up, and I was a great show. Props, tarps, tons of help. So now I look like shit with my little 2 man operation. What worse, word is out that my street is a dead street. In other words, not a lot of my deadbeat neighbors hand out candy. So kids walk by, don’t see a lot of lights on, and just keep walking.

The second year I learned a tough lesson I already should have known; you can’t scare kids the same way twice. I had a much better presentation, but the kids remembered and were on to me. You always get the wiseass older kids that you don’t/can’t scare. And they want to tell you about it. I would let them go across the street, hide, and then scare them that way. I chased one kid down the street. I had my nephew help out that year, but word got out, and we were just busted. I was disappointed, as Hween seemed to last about a good 15 minutes.

The following year, I was hobbled by a bad knee. I tore my ACL a few weeks prior, and couldn’t be very active. The scare fell to Tara. I dressed up, and led kids to her. She was lying in a coffin in the middle of the yard. She had a mask on and couldn’t see if the kids were old enough to scare. She has a conscious about that kinda thing. I was really, really tempted to have her scare the shit out like a 2 year old, but bravely resisted. By this time, her students knew we did a “house” so they were expecting a scare. They came up to me, looked into the coffin, and asked if that was her. I of course said no. More times than not, she scared ‘em. I learned to not over think it. It’s just putting the thought in their head that can scare them the most. The next day I went out and got an assload more props.

Last year I had a pretty good presentation. My father in law gave me this mummy. The mummy was motion activated. When triggered, it made muffled sounds and its eyes lit up and moved. In daylight it looked good, but in the dark it looked pretty real. I dressed up in a new costume, too many kids knew the old one. I put the mummy on out front porch, where the candy bowl was. I stood right outside on the lawn. I wouldn’t move. I could watch the kids look at me, look at the mummy, look at the bowl. The kids would move for the bowl, the mummy would go off and they would get spooked. Then I would slowly move towards them. I was surprised how many kids were freaked. Tara was at the bottom of the driveway. Kids would ask her what was real. She wouldn’t tell them. I have to say, it’s been fun watching her really get into Hween. I learned to hide in plain sight. The next day I went out and bought a 6 foot tall dummy.

Now there’s 2 ways to go with this new dummy, Lamont. If you really wanna scare kids, but don’t wanna go through the whole presentation, then just dress up a dummy, and put him out in the yard a few days before Hween. Then, Hween day, take him inside, and put his clothes on, and go back outside in his position. It’s a simple, but great effective scare. I could do that with this new dummy, but I’m afraid Bauer would do something to him, or even maybe be a bit scared. And honestly, I bought so much new shit last year, that I forget what I have. This weekend is the big weekend that I will drag everything out and at least decorate the house. I will also see what props I have and try to figure out how to use them. I know just like when I was young, I am playing this up too much in my mind. Being on a dead street is a killer, pun intended. Like every year, I will psyche myself out, put something together, and scare at least a few kids. And it will be over before I know it, and I will wonder if it’s worth the hassle. Most years, I would reaffirm my belief by buying new shit the next day. But with no gig, sacrifices have to be made. The stuff I have this year will be the stuff I have next year as well. That will be the new challenge. Plus, I’ve been walking Bauer past the house on the next street. They’re just starting to get their shit up. And it’s just us 2 against them again. Remember how I said all this stuff would later on play a part? Any of this stuff sound familiar? Funny how things don’t change.

Well, this whole Halloween post started out of a few ideas that popped into my head as I was walking Bauer, and now it’s almost 2 hours later. I still have to think of costume ideas. I still have the last part of Friday the 13th part 8 with the commentary, then the bonus disc. I still have to refill this almost empty Malibu & Coke Zero. (See, all the great writers get inspiration from the bottle.)

By the way, this entire time I’ve been listening to a group called Black Tape for a Blue Girl. Some of their songs are in my player on the front page. I’ve been listening to the second disc of With a Million Tear Stained Memories. It’s all instrumental. And it’s great, atmospheric Gothic stuff. It almost makes me want to construct a canopy over the bed, drape it in black and light lots of candles. I highly recommend it. The disc, not the black canopy.

Another good thing about Halloween. After it’s over, it’s Hallowmas season…..