Halloween Costume Frustration

Originally written 10/25/7

Why does it frustrate me so?

We’re just about a day away from the big annual Halloween party, and the appliance gods have frowned upon us. We were all set; we had just about every thing we needed. We were ahead of the game. We couldn’t find the proper color we needed for the costumes, so we bought white stuff and just had to dye it. No problem, right?

Well, everything was peachy until Tara put a load (uh huh huh, “put a load”) in the dryer. She pressed the button, but the drum didn’t move. So now after going 8 weeks without a bathroom, we had to go days without a dryer. We won’t get it delivered till tomorrow. This is especially devastating to me, because like most guys, I do wash about every three weeks or so. OK, so being unemployed has cut down a bit on my changing of clothes. But still, I don’t do the wash until my hamper is over flowing onto the floor. I used to bitch about getting socks and underwear for Xmas, until I realized it extended my laundry days. I don’t hate doing the laundry; it’s quite simple actually. It’s just that I don’t do it every week.

So we were screwed. My brilliant idea was foiled. (And no, I won’t say what it is just yet.) Did I say we’re screwed yet? It never seems to fail. Halloween, my all time favorite holiday. It right upon us, and I’m choking. I always want to at least have a witty costume. As I said in a previous post, we have to be something ‘together’ so that puts limits on what we can do, especially so last minute. My fingers to your eyes (ouch) I have no idea what we can do. In years past, I think I’ve come up with some witty ‘couple’ costumes. A few years ago, when Most Extreme Elimination challenge was hot, I wanted us to be Kenny & Vic. Real easy costumes, just get some kimonos or katanas or whatever the hell their outfits are called. Carry a fan, maybe a wig, and you’re home free. But, no, she didn’t want to do that. Another year, I wanted to go as Nelson. (The band, not the Simpsons bully) All we had to do was get long straight blonde wigs, and dress alike. I had cardboard cutouts of guitars. We’d be set. But again, no. I offered up being the Mythbusters. Pretty straight forward costumes, not too much to buy. Again,no. I think 2 years ago, after giving up all these ideas, she pissed on them. So I got them out of my head. We’re typical shopping last minute and she says “OK, let’s be Nelson.” Jezus, I just can’t win. I think that year we went as the Big Bad Wolf and Little Red Riding Hood. Pretty unoriginal, huh?

This year we were both on board with a pretty good idea. I think it’s original enough, but still obscure enough that it would take people a second to figure it out. Yea, it was going to be a bit ghetto, but that’s part of Halloween to me. My buy stuff you will only use once if you can just make it out of duct tape. The rougher it is, the funnier it is in my book. It will be impossible to whip it up this year, so now I’m racking my frazzled brain to come up with something funny, original, witty, possible offensive, and relatively easy to make.

Again, I wonder how I can love Halloween so much, yet am so unprepared for it.

It’s not just the costume thing. I’ve put lights up and stuff inside and outside, and I think I’ve had them on like 3 nights so far. That is so un-me. I don’t know what my problem is. I can use any joy or inspiration I can find these days, and here is something that should be stoking me, and I’m flailing. I am sure it’s the no job thing. I haven’t spent that much time in stores because it seems like a tease to see Halloween stuff, and knowing my money is mostly spent on mortgage & house these days. I saw this sick Jason Voorhees life size prop. It was taller than me, his eyes moved and played the ch-ch-ch-ch-ha-ha-ha-ha and looked really fucking cool. When I was working, I’d be there Nov 1st to snatch it at half price, but this year that money will keep gas in my tank, food in my belly, and maybe some cheap hooch for hanging out under the bridge with the other bums.

I’ve spent much of the last 2 days scouring online to see if I could come across any ideas that would fit the bill. Searching Yahoo for “easy last minute Halloween costumes” is equivalent to searching “totally lameass Halloween costumes”. So I’ve been searching one of my all time favorite websites CollegeHumor.com for ideas. Ya gotta give it up to these kids. They come up with some really creative, offensive ideas. They also seem to like to dress up as characters from before they were born. Old school WWF wrestlers (Ultimate Warrior, Million Dollar Man, etc) are popular. Captain Planet and Double Dare are also quite popular. They are also preoccupied with tampons (bloody ones are nice, too), Beastie Boys, Chapelles Show, Big Lebowski, Super Troopers/Reno 911 and bright orange road comes. I have seen some wicked funny costumes that I just don’t think would fly at a party with mostly teachers. I personally think the Prom Queen and the Baby She Gave Birth to in the Trash Can costume is fucking funny. I’m not gonna go on, but if you are clueless as to what to dress up as, go to
http://www.collegehumor.com/contest:halloween2006
to get some really good ideas. Also, apparently as college Halloween parties, and the girls dress like sluts and make out with each other. Now that’s a party I want to go to.

I did see a really good idea. A girl went dressed as the lamp from A Christmas Story. She just had an upside down trash can (or something like that) that went down to her hips. Then she had fishnets on and heels. Simple and creative. Plus she had fishnets on-yum! I brought this up to Tara, and of course she asked who I would be, and I said Ralphie. All I have to do is dress up in a robe, glasses, and carry a shotgun. I could even go one step further and buy a fake eye so “I shot my eye out” to make it a bit more Halloween. But I don’t think that’s gonna fly.

We’re running out of time (as Jack Bauer says about 50 times a season), and I have no idea what we can do. Bauer doesn’t seem to care. We took him to PetSmart this week for Howl-o-ween. I refuse to dress up my dog. I will not denigrate him like that. We just went to see the other dogs and get our picture taken with him. So there we are in line. We see a woman with 2 toy breeds. One is dressed up like a hotdog, and the other one is dressed up like a frog, complete with pads that make his paws look like frog feet. Another woman had her mastiff dressed up as Wonder Woman. Sorry, but a mastiff dressed up as Wonder Woman does not intimidate anyone. Even the toy dogs were going up to the mastiff and giving her shit (I hope it was a girl dog). We were the only ones in line who refused to dress up our Yellow Lab. People starting giving me shit that he wasn’t dressed up. I told them that this was his costume, he’s really a lapsa apsa. That shut ‘em up.
So I’m tired and frustrated. I just know we’ll come across some jackass tomorrow with a brilliant costume. I’ll ask him how did he think of it, and he will give me the stock answer. “This thing? I thought if it an hour ago. It took me 10 fucking minutes to get it all together.”