Lucky

Originally written 12/20/7

It’s funny how you need the lows to appreciate the highs. Hell, even to appreciate the plateaus. Right now is not the highest time for me. Take away that it’s Xmas and all. Just in general. I feel lower than a snake’s belly. Lower than anyone who got a Milli Vanilli tattoo. Lower than the brain dead turds I see working in Target these days. The ego’s been taking a bit of a blow these last few months. It’s easy to get down on yourself. I know the unemployment life seems glamorous. I mean, what do I have to worry about? It could be worse, I could actually be working. Well, fact of the matter, I am very, very tired of this unemployment grind. It’s the same damn thing every day. Sit down in front of a PC, and spend hours here, wondering just what it really is I am accomplishing. Hmm..that kinda sounds like when I was working at WEA (zing! Sorry had to do it.)

I totally get how easy it is to say “what the fuck” and not even bother. It’s depressing, it’s a bummer, it’s a reality check, and it gets even more depressing. I get why one of the stereotypes of unemployment is being a boozer. It makes sense now. Drinkin’ is escapin’. It releases endorphins or something like that- and that may well be the only euphoria you get after trolling want ads all day. It’s a jungle out there, and I totally get how that can play with a weak mind. Couple that with the jolliness of Xmas, and it’s no wonder suicide rates go up during the holidays. But I slap a happy face on-even though there are times I want to slap somebody else’s happy face off. My cynicism knows no boundaries this time of the year. The dark side is in overdrive.

Through it all, I am starting to realize something that I have been taking for granted a bit too long.

I am pretty damn lucky.

One of the things I learned working for WEA was how to be cheap. And to use every last thing you got. While my unemployment benefits are just about kaput, I did hold onto a lot of my package money, so the financial blow isn’t that dire right now. And I did realize that working in the music biz wouldn’t last forever, so I learned how to live within my means and save whatever I could.

I’m lucky that my wife is there for me. She knows how to not be overbearing, whole still being able to offer ideas and inspiration. Sadly, she still doesn’t see my logic in her picking up a part time job. Whatever. But she does steal me all the glue I can sniff from her job. I am lucky in that my friends have been far more understanding that I ever gave ‘em credit for (yes, even the ones that don’t read this, too) I am lucky that my friends have stood by me, been extremely gracious to my situation, and don’t call me “unemployed, drunken lout” Well, at least not to my face anyway. Or maybe I was too drunk to remember.

We’re basically not doing Xmas this year. While that really is a blessing, Grinch that I still am, it is a bit of a downer. I still say shopping is a fucking bitch. I have one friend who is so organized when it came to his Xmas list. Not only would he get it out early, he made sure he gave a different list to everyone so he didn’t have to worry about getting duplicate gifts. That’s the way to go. Even still, and I don’t know about you dear readers, but even when I get a list from someone, I always felt as though there was one last unwritten item. You didn’t see it on the list, but you felt that it was there. And it basically said “Listen up, fuckwad, since you know me so good, there is one obvious item on this list that you know I want. Now go prove your friendship, and go get it for me.”

So we’re just doing small stuff. I know I’m getting a book and a DVD. I know about the DVD because I saw it, bought it, and told her it was her gift to me. That’s pretty damn nice, right? So from the above paragraph, I am now struggling with getting her such stuff. I’ve gotten her a coupla good things so far, but need more. We each think the other one is extremely difficult to buy for, while secretly thinking to ourselves about how easy we are to buy for.

And I guess it kinda got me to the point that, fuck it, I really do have everything I need. As you get older, there is a tendency to put more stuff you ‘need’ than stuff you’d ‘want’ on your list. I always fought that. I put 1 or 2 necessary things, then the rest was fun stuff I wanted. Box sets, DVDs, games, etc. Stuff I might not buy for myself, but definitely ‘wanted’. I look around my office now, and see box sets I ‘wanted’ that are still shrink wrapped. Yea, 100 million Bon Jovi fans may not be wrong, but here’s one that hasn’t even listened to the whole damn box set yet. I know of seemingly a dozen DVD sets downstairs that I have never watched. Sure, it’s all stuff I ‘want’ and fully intend to one day go through, (before DVDs become obsolete) but isn’t that a message when that stuff just sits unused every year? If I ‘wanted’ it that bad, I would have cracked into it by now. In some ways, Xmas have really kinda gotten to be “buy me stuff I might or might not want, that I might or might not use any time soon. But I do still want it, and will stare at it daily.”

This year I’ll get more socks and underwear, and really appreciate it because it will extend the amount of days I have to do my wash. I will get a DVD and book that I want. Anything else on top of that is icing on the cake. That may go uneaten for years.

It could be worse. I could have been in that family that had nothing better to do than to wander off in the forest to cut down their own Xmas tree and got lost for 2 days. Seriously, what the fuck? Could you imagine a worse way to die? And how could the rest of your family ever celebrate Xmas again? Every time they saw a tree, they would be reminded of how their motarded kin died while looking to cut down their own Xmas tree. How could they ever put up a Xmas tree? Don’t they have street corners out there, where they sell trees already cut? Was I the only one rooting for Darwin here? It turns out the family made it. I believe it was a dad and his young daughters. You know right know there’s a big red hand mark on the wife’s head, from repeated slapping and saying “why the hell did I let him do that with the kids?” Cripes, and I was bitching about going to the VFW to get ours.

I really do have everything I could want. The chick, the house, the dog. OK, so I still need The Job. But I have family and friends that I will spend the holidays with, who will make me laugh and forget about the jobless thing for a while. (And if they don’t the booze sure will.) I have a house to invite friends over to during the holidays. It’s not the biggest house. But there’s still plenty of room for years and years of presents that I ‘want’.

If I don’t post until then, Merry Xmas and a continued Happy Hallowmas.