The Glow of Orange

Originally written 1/9/8

“Hi, thanks for calling Orange Glow. My name is Kevin. How can I help you today?’

Seriously, that was the fucking job I interviewed for today. Wave 4,337 of random resumes to random jobs yielded me this lead. And who am I to turn down anyone when me and the dog are eating the same thing these days? Sure enough, there in my email was a request for an interview. So I called the girl, and she told me a bit more about the job. It was pretty much what my research told me it was. (I can hear Denny Green yelling “They are who we thought they were!” for you NFL fans) It was a dead end call center. She told me I would be fielding calls for Orange Glow cleaner. You know how there’s an 800 number on almost every product nowadays? That would be to me. The ironic part here that I actually use that stuff to dust. O, how the world goes round. The money wasn’t enough to keep the lights on, and how many happy call center employees do you know? Right. But I need to keep my interviewing skills sharp, and this was a slumpbuster. Here was a job I knew I probably didn’t want, but I just wanted to get another ‘practice’ interview in for when a real one comes along. Plus, the aspiring writer inside me was dying to know what the fuck kind of calls Orange Glow gets. Geez, the things I do for you guys, and nary a Kudo.

But before that, I would have to submit my resume. Even though the HR I talked to obviously saw it in the web. Now I would have to resubmit it through the company’s website. And anyone who has done this knows it’s a fucking tedious task to do this-especially for a job you don’t want. After that, you now have to take an online skills test-for a job you don’t want. OK, no biggie, I will probably have to do this more, so why not? I gotta tell you, I never had hoops like this to jump through for WEA or Borders. So I take this test. For 70 fucking minutes, and yes I fucking counted. All for a job I don’t want. In addition, HR sends me an email with even more superfun tests-all for a job…o, you get the point. There is value in doing all this. It’s hammered home that this is a deadend job. All I will do is sit on the phone, and try to resolve problems, upsell shit that callers don’t need and look at dozens of data bases.

I plod on through, because I know I need more interview time. And also, I am way fucking curious to find out just who the bloody hell calls Orange Glow and for what. So the interview goes about as well as expected. For the record, she’s late, and I am early. I don’t like stuffing myself into my monkey suit for tardiness. She asks me a few questions that I am prepared for. Then I get to ask her questions, which is something you should do on every interview. Benefits, what it’s like working for the co., etc. Most of all I get to ask just what kind of questions does Orange Glow get.

She is very good. She tells me they get questions about what kind of wood it works on, how to use it, where it’s available, other products. It all sounds very good. But I call bullshit. Seriously, if you’re working one of these things, you’re getting calls from drunk college kids, dullards and Britney era rednecks who can’t figure out how to steal their neighbors’ wireless to get on that that internets.

I envision each call to be either stupid or pissed off, maybe both at the same time. First of all, if you want to find out anything about a product, doesn’t every SOB just go to the website? You only call the 800 number if you’re pissed. Or you don’t have a computer. What bonehead can’t read directions and figure out how to use furniture polish? I imagine getting calls like “does this shit stain the couch, because I just got some on it?” “Will my kittie get sick if she just drank some of this?” “Is this a suitable substitute for orange juice?” “Is this flammable?” “Can I clean my autographed David Allen Coe geetar with this here fluid?”

Who calls the 800 number to find out where Orange Glow is available? How did it get in the fucking house in the first place, dipshit? They have these things now called supermarkets, and Targets that sell this shit. Who calls to say, “Wow, this Orange Glow is quite the shit? Do you per chance sell any other cleaning products? Perhaps one to get the blood out of my…uh…a van?” The calls you get would be from someone who is pissed that they didn’t read the directions and fucked something up. It’s not gonna be my job to unfuck it. If it’s wood cleaner, don’t use it on the windows or car. I mean really, is this rocket science?

You know all these guys get crank calls and calls from drunken college guys. Or calls from extremely lonely people. Hell, if I was working an 800 number, I would tell all my friends to call me for free. Actually, from taking all those BS tests, I now know they can keep track of everything. The number of calls, how long the calls are, any previous history, etc. If I could do it for 1 day just to experience it, I would.

Ultimately, the HR is a pro, and wants to see if this is going anywhere. After it’s clear to her that I, in no way, want this shitty job, she politely asks me “Then what are you here for?” It was every bone in my body to just say “Practice.” But I had my answer prepared-something along the lines of I wanted to see what the Co was like, benefits, etc. “OK, we’ll keep your resume on file if something else pops up (HR speak for I’m shredding your resume, now get out of my office and quit fucking wasting my time), I’ll give you a call. Total time about 15-20 minutes, which is just about right for the first interview. I came in generally prepared, and I was able to take the conversation in places where I would like it to go. She probably felt some sort of glee in knowing I had to take an hour plus of BS tests for a 20 minute interview.

OK, I’m done for today. I have some cleaning to do. O shit. We’re out of Orange Glow. Well, lemme just call this handy-dandy 800 number on the back and see where I can pick up some more.