Xmas Music

Originally written 12/10/7

Billy Squier once sang “Xmas is the time to say I love you” once. So why have I heard this song 14,000 fucking times? I am sure even he’s sick of it now. I hate this time of year. I hate Xmas music. Well most of it. I was able to find a few of my favorites, and load them on my player this month. So it’s not all terribly horrid. But most of it is, and I don’t fucking need to hear it every year.

John Lennon asks us ‘so this is Xmas and what have you done?’ Well, John, I got laid off in May and have been out of work for the last 7 months, thanks for the guilt trip, douchebag. What are you doing these days, decomposing?

My hatred of Xmas music comes from many different directions. The most obvious one is that I just hate this time of the year. So the last thing I need to hear is some nitwit singing how it’s “the most wonderful time of the year”. Why? Why is this the most wonderful time of the year? All I see are a bunch of people bitching about how busy they are (well, the ones that are actually working that is), all the hustle and bustle and the overall hassle. I am willing to say if you took any tool that is walking around the mall these days and asked them point blank “Do you hate Xmas?” they would say “FUCK YES, retard.”

As a (recovering, former) music junkie, I felt my artistic expectations were being insulted most of the time. I mean seriously, how many fucking times do you need to hear Jingle Bells done over and over. Longtime readers know I generally hate cover songs. And what are most Xmas songs? Cover songs. I have said before, there is really no difference between the cover band down the street playing a cover song, or say, Bruce Springsteen. Of course, since Bruce is popular, his cover will gain instant acceptance and notoriety that said bar band will not. Speaking of his Bossness, his cover of SC is Coming to Town is just God-awful. What’s up with that spiel in the beginning we have to hear every time? “So you guys been good out here or what? Ah, that’s not many, that’s not many. You guys are in trouble out here. Duh huh.” I wish Clarence would take that fucking saxamaphone and clock Bruce over the head. That would be a song I could listen to over and over.

Think about it. What is the real difference to hearing another version of Silent Night? Is there much difference between Sinatra, Diamond, Groban, Twisted Sister, McLachlan doing it? Well, OK, maybe that’s a bad example, but I think you see my point. It’s like these songs fucking chase you from the car to the mall and back.

Are the melodies of any of these songs really memorable? I think just because they’re about “the holidays’ they get a pass. Who’s to say if you took the melody from Deck the Halls, but switched the words around to be all about say global warming, or drug addiction that it would stand up? In fact if I was a band, I would do an UnXmas album. I would take all the melodies, but write new bullshit lyrics to them. I’m Dreaming of a White Hallowmas. Hey, Can You Get Me a New Beer. Crusty My Underwear. I think you see where I’m going. (Right now there’s a bunch of people singing Xmas melodies trying to figure out where those titles fit.)

Have you ever even paid attention to some of the lyrics? What kind of crack do you have to be on to write the 12 Days of Xmas? With all the leaping lords, maids a milking, French hens and such and so forth. Has anyone ever eaten ‘figgy pudding’? Has anyone outside of a hockey player ever just wanted front teeth for Xmas? I’ll be home for Xmas, if only in my dreams? WTF good does that do me? I’d be doing Christina Applegate, if only in my dreams. What’s your point? Can any of you Italians explain the lure of Dominic the Donkey? Isn’t it about time for some folks to come up with some new, current Xmas songs? Songs that have to deal with Cyber shopping, iPods, seasonal affection disorder, laptops, etc.

When you live with Mrs. Claus, you have to give in a bit. Originally, I put my foot down and said no Xmas music while I am around and can hear it. Yea, OK, that didn’t last too long. So I came up with a list of Missile-approved Xmas CDs. Sinatra, Brian Setzer Orchestra, Star Wars Xmas, Hawaiian Xmas, Twisted Sister, Ray Charles, Jeff the Drunk, Chris Isaak. I think that’s a pretty fair and diverse list. I managed to find some of this stuff and put it on my player. While I was surprised to find such gems as “What Do You Get a Wookie For Xmas (When He Already Has a Comb) and some Setzer & Sinatra stuff, I do have some other favorite Xmas songs.

I think my all time favorite Xmas song (yea, that’s kind of an oxymoron) is Have Yourself a Merry Little Xmas by the Pretenders. It’s just such a mellow, slow song, it is one of the few takes of a song that to me evokes a mood. The slide guitar (I’m always a sucker for that) is something you just don’t hear in a lot of Xmas songs. If it wasn’t a Xmas song, their cover would be an absolute killer, drink yourself silly kind of song. I don’t even usually like that song, by Chrissie and company did a really, really nice job with it. (When I saw the Pretenders over the summer, I yield for them to play it. Chrissie looked at me and said ‘motard’.) I couldn’t find it to put on the player, but you are probably familiar with it.

I really like the Brian Setzer Orchestra Xmas CDs. I like the orchestra sound with Setzer’s guitar playing. It’s a bit of the old, with some shredding in it. He also plays some obscure tunes, which is a bonus. Ever heard Cactus Xmas? Neither did I, until I heard BSO do it, and it’s a favorite song of mine. He also does 2 killer instrumental covers that really stand out.

Sinatra is kind of tricky. I like a lot of his mellower stuff with strings. But he also does some horrid (what, is horrid the word of the day today?) stuff as well. He does 12 Days with his kids and on the 1st Day, poor ol’ Blue Eyes gets “a most lovely Lavender tie”. Dude, fuck that shit, I’m the Chairman of the Goddamn Board, and you kids are getting me another fricking tie? He has a couple different Xmas albums, all mostly worth checking out.

Juliana Hatfield does a song called Make It Home that is one of the saddest fucking songs I have heard. I think it was first on the My So Called Life sdtk. The song doesn’t specifically mention Xmas, but there are cold weather allusions that are good enough. It’s a bit hard to find, and I couldn’t find it for the player. MIH is my favorite recently written Xmas tune. It’s a great song for a cold night, put a candle in the window, break out some of the hard stuff and sip a few. Def worth searching out.

I also couldn’t find the Southern Culture on the Skids Xmas song, but that’s a good one, too. I like the Eagles’ Please Come Home For Xmas. It still has that classic Eagles sound, and wouldn’t sound out of place if played in the summer. Well, except for that pesky Xmas in the title. I’m a big fan of the McKenzie’s 12 Days. It’s still funny after all these years. You can’t go wrong with some Spinal Tap for Xmas as well. Add some South Park, and you will have priceless Xmas memories.

Check out the Isaak CD. It’s a unique take of Xmas songs. It has a heavy summer vibe to it. Light instrumentation, you could really see yourself on the beach around a bonfire listening to this. Of course, to fuel the bonfire, you’d be throwing in Trans-Siberian Orchestra CDs. Yea, I know, a WEA cash cow the last few years, you would think I like TSO, but I don’t. Yes, even with the Savatage roots, I tried ‘em out. But they’re just too cheesy for me. (And, yes I know I like the Twisted Sister Xmas.) I’ve heard rave reviews of their shows from people I respect. But, I just don’t get it. Anymore, it’s just become music for Xmas geeks to coordinate the house light to. Every year, I see a bunch of viral videos of motards who make their 7,000 lights flash and blink to TSO. Could you imagine living next to such a house? All the traffic? I would seriously be the Grinch and go over there and snip the wires. Maybe rearrange the lights to say “I killed Santa” or ‘Fucking leave me and my lights alone” If you ever wanna see me go apeshit on the news, tell my neighbors to put up a ton of lights and coordinate them to TSO. I would be a YouTube hero.

All right, that’s all I got. I feel better. I’m off to find jobs where I can just get paid for bitching about stuff. For some reason, they seem to be hard to find….