No One Cares What You Look Like in 50 Years

Not to brag, but I had another great weekend. Wanna know why? If so, please read on. If you don’t, then I don’t know what to tell you, and now this whole thing is getting awkward. But it looks like you’re still here, so I guess you do wanna hear about my weekend. And you can tell me all about yours at KevinDoesntCareAboutYourGDWeekend@gmail.com. I totes promise I will read it.

Anywhoo, it was a great weekend, because for the second week in a row, I didn’t check my socials. I am thinking this needs to grow as a movement, so we need some sweet hashtag. #FacebookFreeFriday could work. #OfflineWeekend. I would like to hear yours, so leave them in the comments below. I can’t do all the thinking here.

On wears the week, and I suddenly start getting all these pics of my friends as they will look in 50 years. Uh oh, another FB fad coming.

So why the bloody eff are we in a rush to see what we’d look like in 50 years?

No one wants to see this, and, hell, I’ll save you the trouble of even bothering. Take a good look at yourself in the mirror; fight the urge to take a selfie. In 50 years, imagine:

Grey hair. Lots of it. Some possibly in strange places.

Maybe no hair at all.

At least 1-3 chins. 

Glasses. And they won’t hide the heinous bags under your eyes 50 years in this life will give you.

A lack of knowledge of WeverTF passes for pop music.

Face it, in 50 years, we’re all gonna look pretty gross, if not dead. In which case, we’d be both.

See, now you know, and you didn’t even have to give all yourinfo to the Russians! (Prolly not related, but I guess this means we know who wins the next election. #VoteForKev2020 is our only hope.)

Plus, I have all your information, comrade.

Why are we obsessed with this? We are a youth based society. Just look at our health magazines. All the headlines boast “5 Ways to Look Younger!” and “Do This One Simple Trick and Feel Younger Instantly!” You’re not gonna sell any magazines or books with taglines like “How To Feel 60 and Diabetic in 30 Days” or “Hearing Aid Earrings.”

Spoiler alert kids, no one is as young as they say online anyway. For example, I have been claiming to be single and 25 every year for like 12-13 years now. If I’m any older than that, most of society won’t care.

Here’s something I’ve learned over the years of social media; if there is a sudden app or trend popping up on FB all of a sudden (like what was that big cartoon thing a couple years ago? See, I already forgot.) it’s probably got some malicious intent. But, sheep being sheep and all, sheep just think this is way cool, and click to DL and never read the terms and conditions. Yes, I know, none of us do. But the good thing about these sudden fads are all our stupid friends will fall for it, and two days later their account will blast out redic deals on Raybans. So it’s time we call this for what it is-attention whoring. “Look at me when I’m 50! Reassure me I won’t look this bad then!” The subliminal message here is “Tell me I’m good looking now!”) These same sheep who are so sudden to jump on this are all the vain ones who constantly post bullshit selfies and pics of them 5-10-15 years ago. Hell, I see even celebrities are even getting in on the trend. Couldn't they just take off all the make up and get the same effect?

My picture looks exactly the same, mate.

If I was to walk up to one of these sheep and say, “In 50 years, you will be fat, wrinkly, semi blind, probably hard of hearing, I SAID PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING (that joke never gets old) balding, one eye looking different from the other, wearing white socks and probably smell” you’d want to smack the shit out of me, But, lookie here!1! Here’s an app from an unknown third party source that does it for me1!!1 Let’s go!” I am too lazy too follow this notion up, but I am pretty sure there is some douchetastic wording that invites fellow shallow/sheep friends to say how good looking you are now. Gag.

I do have friends/constituents who are widely considered elders because they are almost 50. As you can imagine, they hate being 50, and don’t understand why “the youngsters” are doing this. From what they tell me, your body starts to go downhill between 30-35. They’ve told me all sorts of upsetting things like multiple trips to the bathroom at night and needing reading glasses. Honestly, they were just droning on and on, and I kinda checked out on the rest. I don’t need to be bothered by this unpleasantness when I’m only 25.

The takeaway here is, just learn to appreciate where you are. You can’t get back your youth. And age is an unrelenting and unforgiving deadline. Learn to be comfortable with yourself, whatever age you are. Fortunately, this is easier to do as you move along in life. Don’t rush things. Only the truly enlightened can stay 25 forever.

DVD Extras
This post is a "q & d" a quick and dirty.

Quick and dirty because the idea suddenly hit me. Quick and dirty because I am sure there already a kijillion posts like this out there already, though none as honest and side splittingly funny as this one and also because I gave myself a time limit to get it on the blog. If you sense the editing is a bit rough, that is why. For me, it's a challenge to put myself on a deadline, and just be OK with it, and "let it go." Also, you're a pretty GD astute reader, way to go, champ! Honestly, this whole topic will burn out pretty quick, so this is also an experiment using some search engine optimization to get a few new eyeballs to this here blog. Even if they have to wear reading glasses to read it.