I am not a big believer in New Year’s Resolutions. I really
don’t think there’s a damn of difference if you make a ‘resolution’ on January
1 or March 7 or July 29. In fact, I am pretty sure there’s enough research out
there that NYRs are easier to break. But
in the spirit of “getting my shit together,” I have decided to make a few. And
at the end of the year, we’ll come back and revisit just how I did. Boom, two
posts already for 2016! Now, I don’t know how to add to perfection, but if I
had to make just a few guesses, here’s what I’d do. (Please note, the number
following the resolution is the probability of making the resolution happen on
a scale of one to ten, with 10 being 100% definitely happening to 1 being no
chance in hell.)
Write more (10)
I should just stop here.
Read more. Starting with that stack of magazines over there.
From 2015. (8)
Get 7 Day Abs! Big arms! Broad
back! My #1 best money move right now! (5. Actually these are the cover blurbs of
the Men’s Fitness November issue.)
Spend more time with dogs. (9)
Get a tattoo that has a deep and personal meaning. Then
refuse to tell anyone exactly just what that meaning is. (1)
Be more positive; just not in the Charlie Sheen way. (7)
Buy more (preferably physical) music. Yea, I said it, buy it not steal it. I want to support
the artists who mean something to me. All these shit heads that steal music,
then wonder why they’re stuck listening to something called “I heart radio.”
Seriously, what the hell is that? What guy over the age of 20 feels confident
saying, “I listen to I heart radio.” Sometimes I force myself to listen to the
Top Ten and then openly weep about how bad it is. People actually think it’s
music. It’s all soulless, mass produced, auto tuned, temporary horse shit. (9)
Develop better time management skills. There are apparently
grown people who are married and have children, and still have time to binge
watch TV.
And I’m over here turning my underwear inside out because I don’t
have time to do the wash. (6 ½)
Now THIS is time management. |
Less time on social media, more time on actually being
social. (6)
Learn how to properly fold a fitted sheet. (1)
Learn how to properly fold a fitted sheet. (1)
Drink less. Looking at you, green tea, with all your free
radicals and healthy anti-oxidants. Hit the road! (6)
2016 is the year I finally get abs. Or learn PhotoShop. One
or the other. (2)
"Every day is ab day, brah." |
Better plan for the future. With that in mind, Happy 2017
everybody!! (6)
Travel more, blab about it less. (7)
Finally buy into the hype of coconut oil, and use it for the
following: tooth paste, mouth wash, shampoo, soap, motor oil, ear
wax remover, dish detergent, screen cleaner, sunscreen, contact lens
conditioner, deodorant, tobacco, topical pain reliever, aspirin, turn signal
fluid, bear repellent (working so far!) toilet bowl cleaner, shaving
cream, fertilizer, caulk, paint remover, adhesive, hallucinogen, fat burner and car wax. (4)
Watch less TV. (5)
Finally use a selfie stick. (0.0)
Train my bladder to not wake me up twice a night (at least)
to pee. (2)
Commit to “Adventure Saturday.” At least once a week, go
somewhere we’ve never gone (restaurant, non nerdy museum, “that place we always
wanted to check out”) or do something we’ve never done. (7)
Not kill someone during my seemingly daily fits of road
rage. (8 ½ to 1, depending on mood)
Learn at least one chord on guitar that is not actually the
cord I use to plug it in. (4)
Finally see the new Star Wars before it gets spoiled for me.
(5)
Lumberjack beard! (5)
Find a picture of myself where I’m actually confident to use
the hash tag “SexyBeast.” (2)
No lie. This actually came up in a GIS for sexy beast. You're welcome, ladies. |
Stretch more. (7)
Finally feel comfortable enough to read Playboy just for the
articles now. In public. (6)
Vote. (10)
Only have 98 problems, but the bitch still ain’t one. (8)
Continue to be everybody’s funniest friend on Facebook. (17)
Watch less news. I
know, this might make me ignorant and all, but I have found the world to be a
much better place when I’m not constantly barraged with all it’s bad news. (9)
I left the caption in so anyone under 40 can kinda get the reference. |
Take more pictures with my real camera. (8)
1 comment:
Brilliant stuff...Sign me up! (The stuff about i heart radio is hysterical!)
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