My Totally Attainable 2016 New Year's Resolutions

I am not a big believer in New Year’s Resolutions. I really don’t think there’s a damn of difference if you make a ‘resolution’ on January 1 or March 7 or July 29. In fact, I am pretty sure there’s enough research out there that NYRs are easier to break. But in the spirit of “getting my shit together,” I have decided to make a few. And at the end of the year, we’ll come back and revisit just how I did. Boom, two posts already for 2016! Now, I don’t know how to add to perfection, but if I had to make just a few guesses, here’s what I’d do. (Please note, the number following the resolution is the probability of making the resolution happen on a scale of one to ten, with 10 being 100% definitely happening to 1 being no chance in hell.)

Write more (10)

I should just stop here.

Read more. Starting with that stack of magazines over there. From 2015. (8)

Get 7 Day Abs!  Big arms! Broad back! My #1 best money move right now! (5. Actually these are the cover blurbs of the Men’s Fitness November issue.)

Spend more time with dogs. (9)

Get a tattoo that has a deep and personal meaning. Then refuse to tell anyone exactly just what that meaning is. (1)

Be more positive; just not in the Charlie Sheen way. (7)

Buy more (preferably physical) music. Yea, I said it, buy it not steal it. I want to support the artists who mean something to me. All these shit heads that steal music, then wonder why they’re stuck listening to something called “I heart radio.” Seriously, what the hell is that? What guy over the age of 20 feels confident saying, “I listen to I heart radio.” Sometimes I force myself to listen to the Top Ten and then openly weep about how bad it is. People actually think it’s music. It’s all soulless, mass produced, auto tuned, temporary horse shit. (9)

Develop better time management skills. There are apparently grown people who are married and have children, and still have time to binge watch TV.

Now THIS is time management.

And I’m over here turning my underwear inside out because I don’t have time to do the wash. (6 ½)

Less time on social media, more time on actually being social. (6)

Learn how to properly fold a fitted sheet. (1)

Drink less. Looking at you, green tea, with all your free radicals and healthy anti-oxidants. Hit the road! (6)

2016 is the year I finally get abs. Or learn PhotoShop. One or the other. (2)

"Every day is ab day, brah."

Better plan for the future. With that in mind, Happy 2017 everybody!! (6)

Travel more, blab about it less. (7)

Finally buy into the hype of coconut oil, and use it for the following: tooth paste, mouth wash, shampoo, soap, motor oil, ear wax remover, dish detergent, screen cleaner, sunscreen, contact lens conditioner, deodorant, tobacco, topical pain reliever, aspirin, turn signal fluid, bear repellent (working so far!) toilet bowl cleaner, shaving cream, fertilizer, caulk, paint remover, adhesive, hallucinogen, fat burner and car wax. (4)

Watch less TV. (5)

Finally use a selfie stick. (0.0)

Train my bladder to not wake me up twice a night (at least) to pee. (2)

Commit to “Adventure Saturday.” At least once a week, go somewhere we’ve never gone (restaurant, non nerdy museum, “that place we always wanted to check out”) or do something we’ve never done. (7)

Not kill someone during my seemingly daily fits of road rage. (8 ½ to 1, depending on mood)

Learn at least one chord on guitar that is not actually the cord I use to plug it in. (4)

Finally see the new Star Wars before it gets spoiled for me. (5)

Lumberjack beard! (5)

Find a picture of myself where I’m actually confident to use the hash tag “SexyBeast.” (2)

No lie. This actually came up in a GIS for sexy beast. You're welcome, ladies.

Stretch more. (7)

Finally feel comfortable enough to read Playboy just for the articles now. In public. (6)

Vote. (10)

Only have 98 problems, but the bitch still ain’t one. (8)

Continue to be everybody’s funniest friend on Facebook. (17)

Watch less news. I know, this might make me ignorant and all, but I have found the world to be a much better place when I’m not constantly barraged with all it’s bad news. (9)

I left the caption in so anyone under 40 can kinda get the reference.

Take more pictures with my real camera. (8)