The Intermittent Fasting Challenge; Results Show

I realize now I should have paid closer attention in math class. As I prepped to do this Thursday night, I realized I stacked the numbers against me. Damn it so much. Remember how I said you don’t eat anything the night before, skip breakfast, then get to an 8 hours feeding period? Well, shit on me, I almost ended up doing two IFs without really trying. Here’s how I fucked up.

So I eat the night before, at 10 PM. In order to get the 8 hour feeding period I want so I can gorge at noon on Saturday, on Friday I can eat from 12PM to 8PM. (I think I paid enough attention to say that is the eight hours I need to properly fast for the following sixteen hours.) So, not eating from 10 PM Thursday night to 12PM Friday is fourteen hours fasting. Shit, that’s almost the whole damn IF fast right there!

Now, I am not under any assumption whatsoever that just by essentially starving myself for 16 hours that I will suddenly have wash board abs and a Rock-like chest. It’s just one in method in a seemingly endless toolbox to get in the best shape of your life! There are apparently many people who do this a few times a month to a few times a week. These people are probably the same people you see running in the snow and ice. These are people you probably don’t want to hang out too much with if you have body fat over 4% and didn’t run two marathons that morning.

"Look at me! I'm as asshole!"

Helloooo Friday morning! Gooooodbyye Friday breakfast. In order to properly prepare myself for an IF, I have to limit myself to an eight hour feeding window beforehand. To properly do this, I have to skip breakfast, which does not bode well for anyone I come in contact with the first few hours of my job. Skipping breakfast before the gym isn’t a big deal because I generally get lost in heavy music and not so heavy weights. But when I work, I have to deal with these annoyances called people and these people generally come with their own sets of problems and issues. (I realize that I want to become a writer so I can work by myself.) Oh, and my job is fairly physical, so I’ll be burning a lot of calories the first few hours.

One of the theories I have come across in my cursory research says there is basically no difference between spreading 2000 calories throughout the day in many meals, or in a shorter period. The take away here is I can essentially cram in what I would normally eat all day in an eight hour window. At least I am pretty sure I read that; there were also a lot of big words with no pictures. I won’t be doing my normal 7-8 grazings, so the meals I do eat can be bigger.

As I head to my noon feeding, I feel I get brief hunger pains, but all in all, not too bad. I feel my focus and energy are normal. In a respect, I find this is easier because I have an active job. I travel to 5-8 accounts per day, and expend a decent amount of energy. I suppose IF is tougher if you’re chained to a desk and people are walking by with coffee, doughnuts and that damn Delores with her bagels.

Noon finally comes, and it’s time to crack into my cooler o’ food. I feel the key here is to eat filling foods. So a NutriBullet (with protein) followed by a protein bar (protein included) plus some granola. The rest of my work day is filled with bouts of working (boo) followed by bouts of eating (yay.) I find I don’t have any adverse effects eating after starving for 12 hours. My stomach is fine and I’m not gassy. Well, any gassier than I usually am.

Come home and chow down on more chicken, green tea and fruit. Before I go to the gym, a scoop of protein and some grapes. Back from the gym and a Bullet with more protein. I am pretty sure I am more powder than man at this point.

God, I hope I don't get this shit on my nose.

I turn down a night at the bar, and putz around the house, all the time eyeing the evil clock. 8PM will be here quicker than I care.

I have previously experimented with what I wanted my precious last meal to be. I hit on something so bulky and filling, it should get me through the night. I pour some organic Cheerio like cereal in a bowl, 40 grams of chocolate protein and whole milk. It is good, but, GD, after I finish it I feel full. But this is my last meal, so the experience it not unlike a death row convict eating his last meal. You know, minus all the capital offenses stuff.

The rest of the evening, I am actually a productive little citizen, which is pretty odd for me on a Friday night. I do some wash, brush out the dog, vacuum (Life hack; always brush out the dog first, then vacuum.) I start writing, all the while drinking water.

And a funny thing happens after the first two hours……..I’m hungry again. Son. Of. A. Bitch. This did not happen in ‘rehearsal.’ This is a kick in the nuts. But I am rapidly approaching bedtime. I continue to drink water because it apparently blunts hunger. Early, real time feedback tells me that theory is utter bullshit.

The Next Eight Hours: I won’t lie, I don’t get great sleep. I actually don’t feel very hungry past those initial few hours. This is good news. However, I’m up peeing every damn hour because I drank so much damn water. I’m really starting to think IF is just a scam made up by those water people.

As on most Saturday mornings, the sun fills the room and I wonder just what the hell I did to myself Friday night. Honestly, I don’t feel very hungry. I feel a little bit hungry as I’m lying in bed, but it’s the sort of thing that once you start moving, the sensation pretty much goes away.  I feel focused, sharp and not-too-tired; all foreign sensations to me on a Saturday morning. I fill up the water bottle-again-and head to the gym, brother.

I weigh myself. And it is kinda odd, I do actually feel skinnier. But it’s probably just my stomach feeding on my internal organs. Two pounds lighter, which is no big deal. Two pounds is not enough to say “ZOMG! I am losing weight!! IF 4ever11”

I’ve trained on an empty stomach many times, so I am not too worried about that. I can see the finish line (and fried chicken, and pizza, and mac and cheese and…), all I need to do here is bust it. Two hours here, home, shower and GORGE. My energy level feels good, my workout is going great, I don’t drop any heavy objects on my body, and that skinny Asian girl is only squatting 10 pounds more than me. So far, so good.

As I get closer to the magical 16 hour mark, something starts to happen. I get hungry. Like, suddenly, violently hungry. How can this be happening? I am sooo close. It’s probably happening because I am soo close. I refocus. I will NOT let this deter me. I will use this as further fuel. I take a deep breath, and continue to lift Paulie, Adrian and my trainer in a cart. No wait a minute, that’s from Rocky IV.

"Yo Adrian....it feels like you've put on some weight..."

 Which also just happens to be a great album to work out to. Fuck you, Drago.

The hunger is not going away. I look again at the clock-big mistake. 90 minutes. Time has taken on some sort of crawling process where it now seems to be going slower when it should be going faster. I know I need to tough it out a bit more here. If I can push myself this last half hour at the gym, I can hit my goal. Plus, the bouts of light-headedness between strenuous sets are fairly enjoyable. Another deep breath in. And now I run like hell so those crazy Russians can’t follow me. Nope, no, still Rocky IV.  No one told me about these delusions at the end of IF. I quickly dial up “Baby, Hit Me One More Time” (AKA her good years.)

The drive home, which now totally feels like this:

I do feel hungry, but I don’t feel “gorge-hungry”, more like normal “NutriBullet” hungry. I find this very odd, but eating my face off has been my reward all along, and I sure ain’t gonna give that up now.

Not to brag, but I’m now at sixteen and a half hours. Maybe that extra half hour doesn’t impress you, but try starving yourself for sixteen hours, and it’s a whole different story.

Cruise into the all you can eat buffet. The staff must know I mean business, because we’re seated right away. I proceed to put all kinds of meat (or at least what passes for meat at an AYCE these days) on plate number one. I also heap on a whole lot of satisfaction.

Plate number one doesn’t hang around very long. Plate two differs with a lot more in the fried category; chicken, calamari, shrimp whatever else they can drop in a batter and make even more unhealthy. Plate three is like a greatest hits of the first two, with a special appearance by pizza. After the third plate, I am actually feeling full, and disappointed that it only takes three plates to fill me up after a 16 (and a half) hour fast. But I am sure with all the fried stuff and sauce and stuff on the meat, I’ve probably taken in a great deal of calories. I am full enough, that I don’t even feel the need to hit the dessert table.

So I’m loading up at the dessert table; chocolate chip cookies, banana pudding (I’ve always imagined that pudding is the only food in the world that looks exactly like fat. But even that doesn’t stop me) some sort of graham cracker pie. Man, this is living. I pretty much spend the rest of Saturday eating what I normally would. Plus some celebratory rum. I go to the gym in the morning and I am just two pounds heavier. That’s right, all told, my weight stayed the same. Kinda ironic, dodn’t cha think? ‘Cause yea, I really do think.

So now that I’ve done it, would I do it again? Maybe. I don’t know that this will be a regular thing for me. Now that I know I can do it, maybe. But 16 hours is a long time to go, and temptation is all around us. Like, I couldn’t commit to doing an IF, then hang out with my buddies and NOT eat and drink.

Guys: “So, uh, Kev, we notice you’re not eating or drinking tonight. Everything all right, big fella?”

Me: “Well, guys, I’m happy you brought that up! I’m doing this thing called an intermittent fast…”

Guys: “FAG!”

So, now that I’ve done one IF, I have proclaimed myself an expert, and am ready to answer all your pressing IF questions.

“Is IF right for me?” Sure. Like I wouldn’t even bother checking with your doctor. I didn’t and I’m fine.

And if you are going to do it, here’s some advice. Stay away from clocks. Especially as you get close to that 16 hour mark. Time will somehow slow to a crawl and your hunger will just get worse. Go do something. Walk the dog. Walk my dog. Go do something. Just don’t write a blog about it, because it won’t be funnier than mine.

Sleep as much as you can. I mean, why make it any harder on yourself? I’ve supposedly had some great times while I’ve been unconscious.

Avoid temptation. Duh. I had to give up a night at the bar, because I just don’t trust myself. Plan ahead. You might be surprised if you can skip eating the hours before you go to bed and the hours you’re awake, 16 hours could sneak up on you.

Eat well during that feeding period. Eat as healthy as you can during that time. Save the shit for the gorge afterward.  Really, the toughest times for me were the first two hours and the last two hours. As long as you can keep your mind and body busy, it’s somewhat easy.

Now I'm hungry,,,