So, as I’ve been doing a lot these days, I’ve been wondering
just what the fuck my problem is. I mean, I have many problems like you do, but
maybe it’s time I take control and figure some shit out. Now, I’m no doctor,
but I do have Wifi access. And who needs doctors when we have WebMD? Take that, insurance plan I barely use
because I am otherwise healthy. Who says insomnia is a symptom? Let’s see just
what might be plaguing me.
While I am probably one of the most open and honest people
you would ever have the pleasure of meeting, it’s in my best interest to not
fully disclose all my “symptoms.” Suffice it to say, nothing is life
threatening, very little of it is physical and most of my “symptoms” I would
just generally attribute to being “a little fucked up in the head.” But the
brain surgeons at WebMD don’t list that as a symptom, so I have to elaborate.
I have listed 6 –yes, just
6-symptoms. One is physical, the rest clearly are mental. Which is probably
not a great sign anyway. Whatever. I occasionally watch General Hospital in the
afternoon, so I can practically perform surgery on anybody. With my 6 listed
symptoms come a whopping 38 possible conditions! Geez, hopefully overachieving
is one of them. While 38 “possible conditions” is far too many to go over here,
scanning the list does reveal a few interesting conditions that might be plaguing
the Temple Kev. But, whatever, this is the internet, so I am sure they are all
correct.
Depression I am pretty sure everybody gets this
answer. Like who isn’t depressed these days? While I may not be the happiest
clown in the circus (and, yes, I did
just make that up, so no stealing it,
 |
| Literally, the first picture that came up when I googled "depression." |
Viral syndrome I don’t even know what that is, but I
have been watching a lot of viral videos lately, so I guess that might be a
possibility.
Caffeine withdrawal immediately followed by Excessive
caffeine use Quacks. How can I have both ends of the caffeine spectrum as
symptoms? Shouldn’t it just be one or the other? Who’s the doctor here, NickRiviera? For the record, I believe I don’t even take in that much caffeine. I’ve
only had 4 cups of coffee in my life and generally limit the caff intake.
Occasionally, I will pop a pill for an early morning workout, but that’s it. So
maybe I need to take in more? Sounds like a great idea, excuse me as I bang a
Red Bull with black coffee chaser.
Exercise or physical activity Umm, so is this a bad thing? No, no it isn’t. In fact, one
of the few things I enjoy with the extra time is spending more time in the gym
and getting some running in ahead of Warrior Dash. The gym has been levelling
me out. So, WebMD, brah, I’m just gonna bang down some pre workout and go all
BEAST MODE IN IRON CITY!
Schizophrenia Oh, good one, WebMD. None of the voices
in my head agree with this notion. Nice try. Next!
Attention deficit hyperac Oh fuck, I can’t even spell
that shit. WHAT IS MY DOG BARKING AT?? Next.
Cocaine abuse Are you fucking kidding me?! How do I
have any money for cocaine? JC, next thing it’s gonna tell me is I’m on meth.
Methamphetamine use What?! Are you fucking kidding
me?! How can I be unemployed and still have money for not only coke now, but meth,
too? I haven’t even watched the last season of Breaking Bad yet! This is ridiculous.
Coxsackie virus infection
 |
| Coxsackie. |
Obsessive compulsive personality disorder Idonothaveit.
Idonothaveit. Idonothaveit. Idonothave it. Idonothaveit.
Mad cow disease This is still a thing? Didn’t we cure
this when we cured SARS? Whatever, you fucking leave my steak alone, bucko.
Cat scratch disease Nope, haven’t been around cats. But
I might have the cat scratch
fever, if ya know what I mean. ROWR!
 |
| Wang dang sweet poontang. |
They say knowing is half the battle. But sometimes I don’t
even know what I don’t even know. Like how to end this post.
