Troubling Texts I Send My Lady

Look, I can be a dick. This isn’t news to you. Hell, it’s not even fake news; both CNN and Fox News agree I can be a raging asshole, even if they haven’t retweeted that like I have repeatedly and politely asked. And look, it goes without saying that I can also be a dick to the people closest to me. What’s the point of having friends and family if you can’t incessantly bother them?

No one knows this more than my girl. And I’ll be honest here, I absolutely have to change her name to protect her. So, for the sake of argument, let’s just call her Taylor Swift. No, wait, let’s call her Alexandra Daddario. Wait, that one is taken, too? Geez, this could take all night. Let’s just call her my lady. Yea, that sounds all classy like.

This is the way I imagine every girl I text. Also, this will be the default pic for the post. Hot girls= cheap hits.

I do not possess the tools to make a good decision here.

So, my lady goes out of town for the weekend. I briefly try to fight Disney for the right to use the term “The Happiest Place on Earth” to describe my place for the weekend, but was unfruitful. And, look, it’s not like I do anything wild while she’s out of town. It’s literally like I am living at home again, and the parents leave town for the weekend. In fact, I do the same damn things; play video games, watch teen slasher flicks and drink till I pass out. At some point, my smoking hot step sister comes in and tries to seduce me. No, wait a minute that was a video I was watching over the weekend. OK, what was I talking about? 

Oh yea, with the advent of the smart phone, two things have happened; 1) almost every teen slasher movie suddenly has a gaping plot hole and 2) I can harass people-i.e.-my lady-to no end. While I’m safely and gallantly at home, avoiding temptation, she’s out gallivanting with her friends till 4 in the morning. It’s really my duty to rain on her fun parade and make her worry. It keeps her in check. This is normal behavior for successful couples. So while my lady was out of town this weekend, I woke up Sunday afternoon, and decided to share the following texts with you, loyal readers. All 14 of you. Feel free to use with your own loved ones.

Your red nail polish is my favorite flavor. Also, you need more red nail polish.

When did our neighbor get to be so hot?

Apparently, I ordered $400 of merch from Michale Buble last night. And nothing even in my size. Who is he?

I just drank an entire bottle of ranch dressing. Or maybe it was Caeser.

I am totally sober.

And this beer. And this Fireball. And this Jager. And this...

Hey, just curious. What’s the name of your hot friend with the blow job lips?

Aaaaand, I'm done

I’m watching college football even though I did not go to college.

Does blood come out of carpet? No need to worry, it’s not mine.

Whose toe nails are these?

I put all 3 contacts in my eye today.

The clinic said my test came back negative.

What size is my head?

Free ballin

What is the neighbor’s password for wifi? I already tried TaylorSwiftWantsMe, but that's not it.

I don't quite know what's going on here, but I am all aboard.

I found an extra shoe.

Take your clothes out of the dish washer tomorrow.

I dyed my hair blue. No, not that hair.

I feel fat.

Do any spas near us offer hand release? Asking for a friend. You know who I’m talking about.

I miss your boobs.

I don’t have enough camo.

Turns out it’s not mine.

Don’t get fat.

I just won the WWE World Championship. So don’t bitch I didn’t do anything this weekend.

Was that bump always there?

Your underwear feels tight.

I find hats odd.

I have renamed the mute button the Sofia Vergara button.

So much better with the sound turned down. Fellas, am I right?

Oh my god, Becky, look at her butt.

Look at it!!!!!!!!

Jose from the pizza place says hi. What dafuq up with that?

Dude, who dafuq are you? Just gimme my damn pizza and get the hell off my porch.

Margot Robbie wants me. Up your game, toots.

Never get tired of this. Also, ladies, Halloween is coming up. Just saying.

Why did you Google “hunky pool boys” when we don’t even have a pool, biotch???

I think I might be on Live PD tonight.

Purple snuffalougness

How do you spell snuffalougness?

Snuffleupagus. Got it.

Kev, just how much have you had tonight to be seeing me?

No, I don’t have time to talk. It’s 2^nd and 3. This is important. Please leave me alone.

I have watched CMT all day. Please help.

I shaved off one of my eyebrows. You figure this shit out.

Did you know there is a porn for every situation? Like, literally, any conceivable situation, there is a porn for it. I’ve researched this for hours today. Fascinating.

And BTW, when you come over, be wearing those fuck me boots, please. You know the ones.

Covfefe.