Black Friday

So today is Black Friday. While the ‘black’ in black Friday comes from the thought this is where most retailers get out of the red (i.e. negative) and get into the positive (which would be black, duh), for me, the ‘black’ means what it traditionally does-dark, dour, evil, etc. So if you think you’re going to get a warm and rosy holiday post, ya might wanna read someone else.

I do not get Black Friday. I mean on some levels, I do. But for the most part, I fail to understand the whole phenomenon. I don’t get the point, don’t see that anything is worth the hassle. It seems every year, there is a growing number of people-motards, mostly, who make this their new tradition of acting like a jackass in public for a few hours in a greedy mood. “Hey, it’s Black Friday, let’s get the family out together to the mall and act like savages. Ho ho ho.”

From what I understand, there is some sort of preparation involved. I know it’s a big thing to get the paper Tgiving Day and peruse the countless ads, flyers and circulars to find the best deal. I admit to it being a kind of tradition when I go over to my in-laws. “Ohh, that’s a good price for crap I don’t need.” Seriously, I can’t tell you how many gifts I gave/received that I’ve never used, played, worn, shot. I’m sure I could spend days listening to CDs and watching DVDs that were gifts. So I think a lot of this BF business is good intentioned, but a waste. Anyway, I guess you get all these circulars, compare prices, what time the stores open, etc and plan out from there.

It doesn’t help that Xmas commercials now dominate every TV show the way the political ads did a mere month ago. Most of these commercials are insulting and totally unrealistic. In this economy, I find it highly insulting that car manufacturers still make commercials where someone gets a brand new fucking car for Xmas. Seriously, do you or anyone you know ever have this happen to them? (And if so if that company hiring witty and insightful bloggers?) Keep in mind this is the same field that sent executives on cushy jets to go in front of Congress and beg for bailout money. I kind of have a problem with that. And what are the actual logistics of buying someone a car? You better get everything right. Color, features, etc. You would be the biggest tool if you bought your husband a stick and he only knows how to drive automatic. You want him practicing on the brand new car you gave him? I wanna know how you get the money to buy a new car, and your spouse doesn’t realize that thousands of dollars are missing from the account. I am sure the scenario had happened where the guy pulls out a ton of money to buy a new car, the wife suddenly discovers the money is missing and gets all huffy. Yea, great idea, pal. And just where does one hide a new car? Can you just “sneak” it into the garage and hope he never goes in and discovers it? Do you park it further down the street, or a neighbor’s driveway, then suddenly run out of the house Xmas morning to put it in position? And the most pressing question I have is where to you get the big fucking red bow that is on the roof of the car in every damn commercial? Enough of these commercials already.

The other commercial I saw was the Walmart one where the cashiers are all turning their lights on and of to some Xmas song. They look so happy and thrilled to be there. At the end of the commercial, they are proudly standing outside their aisles, smiling, and waiting for the great unwashed masses to clog their store. How come every commercial depicts a calm soothing atmosphere on Black Friday? All the employees are happy and smiling like some sort of brainwashed Xmas zombies. All the customers are friendly and well behaved. What dafuck kinda Bizarro Land is this?

So you would think BF starts of Friday, right? Wrong. For some losers it starts Wednesday night. I had the local news on this morning, and they always run the story of how early people get in line. I think this years’ “Winner” got in line at 10 AM Weds morning. How is this even an option? How does one explain to their family that I won’t be at Tgiving because I have to wait in line for 30 hours to save 2 bucks on the new Beyonce CD and a few other gizmos and doo-dads? Yet, every year, there are those idiots, proudly standing in line. I saw how at one Best Buy, there was over a THOUSAND fucking people in line. How ‘bout we thin the herd here, and just shoot all these people and do society a favor? (unless, of course, they happen to be buying me something.) Surely, these people can’t have anything going on in life, right? Where do you pee? And why are there legions of people compelled to miss Tgiving and stand in the dark and cold all night? There are always stories how these stores have ‘limited’ amounts of said hot item. So you could wait in line for 5 hours for something they only have 5 units of. It’s a scam and people fall for it every year.

Now every year when I write this post, my usual answer is “it’s because they’re stupid”. But this year the economy is a huge motivating factor. Many, many people are down on their luck, and money is an issue. OK, I get that. So I will give you that there are some smart, normal people who are doing this because they have do. And that is a fair number of BF shoppers. But the rest of them are still fucking idiots.

Let’s not forget the real victim here; the employees. I know many of you are my old retail warriors, and today I am thinking of you. I worked my fair share of BFs, and I know what a huge fucking pain in the ass they can be. Customers forget any sense of manners or common sense. They have some sort of attitude, and it’s your problem. It absolutely kills me to see these stores opening up earlier and earlier. How can you really enjoy a good Tgiving with family when you have to get up at like 2 AM? Many of these workers are parents, so you got kids and schedules and dinners and travelling to think about. I am sure much of that has to be radically rearranged when you have to open the store at 4 fucking AM. I’m sure there are district and regional managers that are required to be at the stores, too. It pisses me off to no end that the corporate jackoff who mandate stores open at 3 & 4 AM are still sleeping in. In their mattresses stuffed with money. While they are on holiday in some French chalet. OK, so maybe I am exaggerating a bit, but I am sure it isn’t that far off.

Again, with this economy the way it is, every last account has to wring every last dollar out. So if they have to do that by opening at 3, well then that’s what they do. I am sure you have all seen the email that lists all the stores that will be closing a lot of their locations or closing down all together. How fucking sad. I am sure there are many lifers that made countless sacrifices to said stores, only to lose their job right after the holidays. I can imagine working at one of those stores through the holidays, just to know you will be outta work come January. I’ve been there, though. Back in the days when the music biz was good, it wasn’t uncommon for most malls to have 2-4 record stores. I was in such a mall. My 2 Sam Goody stores were directly downstairs from 2 Walls. Well, we found out a few days ahead of time that our other Goody store would be closing after the holidays, and that the staff was to be told Xmas fucking Eve. How fucking low class. I begged my district manager to tell them sooner or later, but not on Xmas fucking Eve. What a Goddamned insult. “Merry Xmas, you’re all losing your jobs and we’re turning this into an outlet for all of our crap for the next month.” Lemme tell you, spending Xmas Eve putting up big black and yellow STORE CLOSING signs is no way to live.

You guys working today have my compassion.

Imagine how surprised I was to find myself actually tempted to get up ass-crack early and subject myself to the BF madness. T was going to be a trooper, and get up early to get some shopping in for her nieces. And for a few minutes I toyed with the idea of actually going. What if all my notions of BF was wrong, and it was actually fun and worthwhile? Maybe I had to seize this opp to take in another BF from a shopper perspective. I wouldn’t do this for me. No way. I would do it so I would have something to write about. So, in essence, I would be doing this for you, dear reader. Yes, that is the kind of sacrifice I am willing to make. But then I realized I was off my fucking rocker for a blog that hasn’t even had 300 hits in a few months. If I was around 500 or so, then I would toy with it, but I ain’t getting myself all fired up for just a few readers. Plus, bed was really comfy this morning. Plus if I went, that meant T wouldn’t buy anything for me. OK, that’s the real reason. I didn’t go because I wanted stuff. I apologize for blaming you over my own greedy shallowness.

If you are one of the fortunate to not be working in retail today (or the unfortunate who just aren’t working at all) it’s a good day to sit back and watch the news. The lead story is always BF shopping, and there is usually some good/frightening footage of shoppers gone wild. I am sure there will be video from North Dakota of a Walmart opening it’s doors, and streams of people come rushing in and someone gets trampled. I hope to see some good customer fights over the last Bratz or Hannah Montana doo-hickey.

Jesus Christ! I just watched the noon news, and there was a Walmart employee who was killed when the crowd broke through the doors and trampled him. I have no problem watching 2 idiots fight-I mean who cares who gets hurt?-but that is just too much. Another developing story is that so many people are paying with cash this year that stores are running out of change. Again, it’s the economy, stupid. My poor ass is staying inside.

So if you’re one of ‘those’ ones who have to go out today, take care of yourself. Keep in mind those poor souls who have to work today, and deal with too much shit that ain’t their fault