Monday, May 25, 2009

Sideways Hat Guy


FUCK! I haven’t written here for almost a month? Goddamn, I apologize, y’all. I have been writing-kinda a lot actually, just not here. You know where to find it, if not hit me up, and if you are cool enough, I might point you in the proper direction. Anyway, I wish it could have been a better topic. Regardless, I hope you enjoy.

There’s been a pressing issue I need to discuss with all of you. You know I’m loathe to get all serious on yer collective ass, but something has been bothering me. Iran announced a new missile test today…..

Just kidding. But I am really irked by a behavior I’ve seen going on. I’ve seen it in malls, in the gym, at shows, in schools. And it’s really pissing me off, and it’s time we need to address it head on. There are people; people who do a stupid thing. And it’s time to call them out. You know who you are, you’ve seen them. Its guys who wear their caps sideways. Knock it the fuck off. You look motarded. Now, far be it from me to judge fashion. Those of you that have seen me know my fashion sense is sketchy at best. My closet if full of mostly black clothes. And I still can be found most summer days wearing flip flops and board shorts. But, hey, it’s my damn blog, so I can say whatever I want. You look motarded. In fact, when I see these douchebags walking around, I imagine what statement they are trying to make.

“I am stupid.”
“Yo, yo, yo, I am a playa.”
“OK, really, I’m just a fucking loser poser.”
“My name is Austin, and I own this here mall. Until 9:30 because that’s when my mom’s boyfriend picks me up. You know, right by the JC Penney?”
“I have to wear it this way to hide the lobotomy scar.”
“By wearing my hat sideways, I am showing my individual rebellion in society. Never mind that there’s 50 other retards hear wearing it the same way. Mine is a personal expression.”
“The new Master P record is dope, yo.”

What’s the look here? Are you trying to be edgy or scary or intimidating? ‘Cause it ain’t working. I have never been afraid of any doofus in a sideways hat. Unless they were taller than me. And bigger. And possibly a MMA fighter. In which case, wear your cap any way you please. I won’t make fun of you. To your face.

Face it boys, no one’s ever looked good rocking the hat sideways. I never got the appeal of wearing a hat off kilter. Wow, that’s really original. I don’t care if you are a ball player, X gamer, rocker, etc; it’s just not a masculine look. You can be deadlifting 2000 pounds in the gym, but with a sideways hat, you will draw snickers. Every time I see one of these tools, I wanna shake them so bad, but I’m afraid their baggy pants might fall off. I’ve often thought of marketing a hat that says ‘Only Motards Wear Their Hat Sideways’. But I know those dolts would still wear it sideways to be “ironic”. Hmm, wait a minute, they would still buy the hat? Shit, that’s my fucking idea, and by posting it, I’ve made it my personal and intellectual property, so no ripping me off.

Certainly, I am not the first to make fun of such hatfully attired. There are plenty of websites-Hotchickswithdouchebags.com being my favorite-that make fun of such chodes. And yet they don’t get a clue. It’s not a racist thing. Anyone looks like a fool wearing their hat in such a manner. Sure, you can argue Travis Barker (drummer Blink 182) got a former Miss America. While that it true, Trav sure banged the pretty out of her, and he still looks like a pencil neck wearing a hat sideways. I fear he might fall over

Yes, even girls can’t pull off the sideways hat look. Sure, they can try-again, to be “ironic”-but they can’t pull it off. Unless they have long hair. And a nice rack. In which case, they can wear tin foil for all I care.

These are just undeniable truths. Another one is the older you are, the more retarded you will look. Quickly, old guys wearing sideways hats is the open shirt, hairy chest and gold chains look for this generation.

I often wonder if it is all some secret language. Like if he’s wearing the hat at, say, 3 o’clock, it means he’s carrying. (Remember the one jeans leg up look?) If he sports it at 6, it means ‘I have tickets to the game’. And just how does one determine what time the hat is set at? Is bill over the face 12 or 6? Yea, it must be some sort of code. I am not a big hat guy at all, but I believe the only proper way to wear a hat is either bill over the face or towards the back. For the record, a lot of guys still look like tools wearing it backwards.

While we’re on the topic of hat transgression, I have an even bigger one. Schmucks who wear two head coverings. Yea, Toby Keith, I’m looking at you. Do you really think you’re fooling anyone? “Hmm, someone might notice if I just wear the mandana, but if I top it with a big ol’ cowboy hat, no one will notice for sure!” No, you just call more attention to yourself. He must be doing a good job, since a Google image search for Toby Keith + hatless reveals no pictures of his bald noggin. Keep up the good fight, there, TK.

Billy Gibbons from ZZ Top is another offender. I saw them 2 summers ago (and for the record, it was a really fun show). You should see the lids this guy is sporting. First he comes out in a horrid dome-coverer like this mess. What the hell is this? Brussels sprouts?

So he leaves it on for 3-4 songs, then puts a cowboy hat on top of it. Fuck, can you imagine how hot that must be? He’s gotta sweat more with 2 hats on. Didn’t leave the stage to switch hats, made it a point to put the cowboy hat over it. Can you imagine how much that first hat must reek? Whose job is it to wash Billy’s hats every night? By the way, I totally envision me doing that ZZ Top look as I get older. I see me sporting a Mick Fleetwood like ponytail, and a longass beard. Because that’s the look that will turn on all the ladies in the home.

So there, Blogland. Another plaintive cry for America to straighten up and fly right. Fellas, all it takes is wearing your hat properly. You’ve been told.

2 comments:

Jason said...

found this in a google search and i am no longer a sideways-hat wearer. you made me realize how dumb i look with it on like that. thanks for knocking me to my senses dude. tomorrow my hat will face forward.

Anonymous said...

Hi I just read this and noticed how un hip I am without my hat being slanted so now I will no longer wear it properly. Thanks now ill fit in