Sneaker Shopping

For reasons I’d rather not get into, I recently spent a night looking at sneakers. Because nothing screams excitement quite like this. On a Friday night. I made a few observations. Are they Klog-worthy? I guess we’ll have to find out. Because no one has ever written anything funny about sneaker shopping. Least of all me.

Coming from a marketing background within an industry built on image and lies (i.e. the music biz) I think my BS meter is strong. Now I’m not gonna go all Old Man Theory here with stories of the ‘old days’. But let’s just say I have an older, far more out of touch brother. And he’s told me stories. I will edit out his continual use of the term “back in my day”. When he was a kid, shopping for sneakers consisted of a trip to Marshalls, Woolworths or some shitty 5 & 10. Sneakers were barely more than a few pieces of canvas super glued to a piece of rubber. There were no different sneakers for running, basketball, hiking, etc. And, according to my brother, everyone was fine. No one bitched. Well, I guess times have changed.

Upon walking into Finish Line or Foot Locker or whatever bullshit, I was greeted by dozens and dozens of sneakers. There were scant rubber soles that were all the rage in my brother’s time. Instead, now every shoe seems to have some sort of special bell or whistle that will enable you to be the premier athlete of your chosen sport. Technology over talent.

Chief among these is Reebok’s new, heavily advertised Zigtech. If you haven’t seen this monstrosity, consider yourself lucky. Essentially, it looks like you’re running atop a dissected brain. There’s eye catching signage boasting how the ‘unique’ design distributes energy, makes you run faster, protects your joints and clears up that mysterious rash on your torso. There is a wide selection in plenty of garish colors. I really think there is a secret coterie of sneaker designers that get together, come up with the lamest idea of a new ‘technology’ that will make you run faster than Ben Johnson on steroids.

Another new rage is this line of sneakers that promote posture, leg strength and toning. The only problem is they make you look like you have club feet. And how many people who have a club foot also have a smoking ass? Exactly. Essentially, the sole is rounded, not flat. So I suppose it promotes fitness by the lingering risk of falling on your ass.

It’s apparent now that all the great technological change has been coming from the sole area. In fact, it seems difficult to find a sneaker with an old fashioned rubber sole. Nowadays, it seems every sneak has some sort of pump/spring/cushion configuration. Here the hype is all about the shoe being more ‘responsive’. Huh? When they made sneakers that are responsive enough to get my lazy ass to run a quarter mile, lemme know. The thought here is that these things will cushion, as well as make you jump higher and run farther. Are we really so fat these days, our sneakers need hydraulics? Really, I think it’s to make fitness tools look even dorkier.

I believe there is some sort of federal statute that requires every municipality to have a “running guy”. You know who I’m talking about. It can be 110 degrees, and there’s “running guy” happily huffing down Main Street. When the news does a remote spot from your town during the annual storm of the century coverage, who is that running in just thermals? Yup, “running guy”. Running guy can also be spotted by his ill fitting (and usually neon) running attire.

A lot of these shoes are just plain God ugly. Who the hell puts orange with yellow? Or wears neon green with bright blue?

Honestly, I don’t know that any of these doo dads do what they proclaim. But I am reasonably sure there are millions of idiots who believe the claims. The same idiots who super size their meals, then compensate by getting a large Diet Coke.

All this progress comes with a fairly hefty price. The Zigtechs cost 100 bones, the club footers even more. My brother would regale me with some old jingle about something called Bo-bos. “They cost a buck 49, “he says, “Bo-bos, they make your feet feel fine.” Is it too much to ask to go to a store, not get my feet fondled by some chode in a ref shirt, and get a decent pair of sneaks for like 40 bucks?

I don’t need to look like a baller. It seems every basketball player has some sort of endorsement, and 12 styles of shoes. Does this count as ‘bling’? Will I gain valuable street cred by wearing the shoes of someone I don’t even know? Is the right pair of baller kicks the difference between, say Snooki and J Woww?

None of this is helped by the fact I have big feet. I am really not that far away from just tying a random shoebox around my boats. Maybe some of those wide neon laces from the 80s would help my cause as well. Looks like I will be buying another pair of Chucks.