"Dear God, I Need a Job"

“What? A God post? And a job post? Kev, you said you weren’t gonna do these posts!” Well, yes, but I swear, this isn’t gonna bum you out. Stay with me here.

One saying that has been running through my head a lot lately is, “Nothing changes if nothing changes.” It’s one of those sayings that is just so simple, yet so true, especially these days. Unemployment has not been growing on me. This sitting home, staring at a computer screen all day is starting to drive me nuts. (Except when I’m writing, of course.) I don’t know how people who work in a cube farm do it all day. You really need 4 years of college to type on a computer?

I am addressing my networking skills. Like, as in meeting real human people networking skills. Here’s the rub. I hate meeting new people. Yea, that’s something you don’t put on the resume or say on the interview. I’ve realized a few things from my last job. I had to rely on some pretty sketchy characters to get my job done correctly. I’d much rather live and die based on my own skills. I think that’s why I love writing; I can do it by myself, and it all comes from me. It’s a dream job.

"Dang it, I knew I should have stayed at a Holiday Inn Express."

But it ain’t payin’ the bills, and for some reason, the mortgage company doesn’t like to get paid in jokes. I’m really not worried yet because I have two perfectly healthy lungs. I’m pretty sure I can find one a deserving home on Craig’s List. Coincidentally, I also have two kidneys and two livers. Um, no, actually, check that last one; I will need two livers. So in trying to mix things up from my last stretch of unemployment, I have decided to actually spend more time with strange people in my same situation. I’ve been attending a job group every week, as well as taking workshops and classes on resumes, elevator speeches, LinkedIn, etc.

In keeping with my do something different theme, tonight I went to a new job group. In a church. Yes, it’s come to that. Now even though I look like Jesus, I can’t tell you the last time I’ve been into an actual church. I was half expecting the holy water to catch fire and whatnot.

"The job club? Yes, it meets downstairs."

This meeting of the buckets of unemployables takes place in the church basement. I notice right away a creepy smell, I can’t quite describe it. Formaldehyde? Chloroform? The basement is cold and stark, built of concrete blocks. It reminds of a place clowns break into at night to boil and eat all the little children.

"Why, yes, we are the Three Wise Men."

“First, let’s start with a prayer.” “Aw, geez,” I think, “I was told this was nondenominational. I know I’m the new guy here, and look like Jesus. Please don’t ask me to lead.” Someone from the steering committee (I don’t know what that is, but there’s like 4 of them in the group. Maybe they’re there to steer us wayward heathens back to the church?) says a quick, generic prayer.

There is a skinny, older guy at the table across from me. He is that type that always has something to say. There is a speaker for the group tonight, and skinny older, white polo shirt tucked into shorts guy goes on and on about how good the speaker is. He’s seen the speaker before. I’m getting a weird vibe off this shirt tucked in guy. I can’t (and ultimately never could) tell if he is a job seeker or another steering committee member. He’s one of those types that seems to answer the speaker’s every rhetorical question.

Before the presentation starts, polo shirt tucked in guy takes gum out of his mouth, wads it up and sticks it to the cardboard top of his note pad. At some point during the evening, he puts the gum back in his mouth.

The speaker can do one of two presentations, and debate breaks out about whether or not we want the Linked In presentation or “finding your dream job” presentation.  A nightmare scenario unfolds in my head:

Instructor “So, Kevin, what would your dream job be?”

Me “Um…writer…”

Instructor “Hey, that sounds great! What kind of things would you like to write?”

Me “Um, like….adult humor….”

Instructor (clearly not seeing where this is going) “What do you mean, adult humor?”

Me (mindful I’m in the basement of a fuc… um..freaking church) “Umm…rather blue humor. Pretty sure I break the 4^th Commandment a lot. I’ve written pieces with the c-word in them. And I don’t mean Christ.”

Instructor (pointing) “Get out.”

Fortunately, the nightmare scenario is avoided, as group votes for Linked in. I am not surprised when much of the advice given in this Linked In presentation directly conflicts with much of the advice given in my last Linked In workshop. This happens a lot. The speaker notes how important it is to have a good photo, and shows us his photo. Which is clearly from a few years ago. I quickly change mine to Channing Tatum.

Next week, I hope to take a resume class at a synagogue.