Dear 2017

Dear 2017,

Hey man, we need to talk. I know you’re not quite here yet, but there’s a few things you need to be aware of. 2016 was kind of a cruel bitch. Much pain, unrest, death, and general assholery. In one respect, even if you don’t change a damn thing, you will be remembered far more fondly than 2016 ever will. Conversely, you open up right with the Inauguration and-regardless of political affiliation-this event alone will cause you much consternation. So yea, you kinda can’t slack off. Don’t worry, I’m here to help. And I, like, know things and stuff.

I have hope for 2017.

Now to be fair, 2016 gave us some highlights. Sports gave Cleveland-Cleveland!­ a championship. The Cubs ended their 200 year drought and won the World Series. John Scott showed true class during the NHL All Star weekend. Also, Jimmie Johnson and his brand of vanilla racing won his 7^th NASCAR Championship, thereby tying most championships with the legends Richard Petty and Dale Earnhardt. Rumor was smoke and a violent spinning sound was heard from Earnhardt’s grave.

On a personal level, 2016 was pretty much shitball sandwiches for good ol’ Kev after August. But hey, pain and suffering make for better writing, right? Right!? Sure, I won a fantasy football league, as well as the NHL pool. Big money! I also got some great travel in and rewarding music experiences.

So, 2017, in case you aren’t too aware, 2016 was pretty cruel with the celebrity killing and what not. Particularly with musicians, and ‘16’s work ethic has it pretty much working right till the end of the year. What I’m saying is that maybe you might want to even the scales a little bit? I’ve put together a little list-just suggestions, really-of maybe some people you might want to send to the great beyond. In no particular order:

Bill Cosby

Pharma Bro

Kony (Seriously, like how did 2012 let that slip by?)

Roman Polanski

2 Pac

That douche bag ex-boss who fired me when I was hurt

Pierre McGuire

Justin Bieber

Please leave Keith Richards and Ric Flair alone, because someone has to bury all our great-great-great-great-great grandkids. WOOOOOOOO!

Somebody's gotta take Betty White to Space Mountain in 2067. WWWOOOOO!

Additionally, kill off all the smokers. How are people still smoking in your year, 2017? It seems to me I am seeing more smokers these days. How is that even possible? Additionally, all smokers are litterbugs. On that alone, they need to be purged. You can also dispatch with the vapers if you see fit.

Early indications also lead us to believe the weather will be worse. But I like the warm weather, so let’s just keep it moderate, eh? We’re all cool with more flip flop weather and especially a longer bikini season.

Look, I'll be honest here. I feel like a pig for using pictures like these but they drive up traffic and it's just good business, damn it.

If you would prefer to be known as 20Kevinteen, I’m cool with that, too.

2016 was rocking with the Super Moons. It felt like every other moon was super. Don’t know how that shakes out for you, but people seemed to enjoy that sort of thing. So maybe some meteor showers, shooting stars or UFOs or something? And maybe you should be the year that we see definitive video proof of the existence of ghosts. You have roughly 97 ghost hunting shows on basic cable, so your choice. Just not Ghost Adventures, that show is horribly entertaining as it is. Go figure, it’s apparently 40 year old dudes keeping Hot Topic in business.

"Ummm......no."

Politics-fuh-you’re kinda fucked there. It’s going to be tumultuous Presidency that starts right off the bat. A lot of people are very nervous about ‘what happens now.’ Please guide us with patience, foresight, calm, understanding, common sense, peace and somehow follow up those awesome Joe Biden memes. That might be your only hope.

"Oh shit! 2016 is looking!"

Music-we will need great music. Please favor us with righteous tunes from our favorite artists. Please introduce us to people who will be our next favorite artists. Please destroy all Clear Channel towers. How can you run a weak ass slogan like “I Heart Radio” where all the music sounds as pleasant as dinosaur abortions? Get rid of Auto Tune and please replace with talent and ability.

Maybe, on just a personal note, have the Avalanche win The Cup? I’m pretty sure that will truly bring Peace on Earth. Just sayin’. At least keep finding creative ways to fuck with Philadelphia fans. That shit never gets old, and Philly fans are the worst. Please continue to bless Bills fans however, as their drunken shenanigans are the highlight of my Sunday mornings before 1. No one cares what you do with baseball or basketball, so have at it

.

I see July 4^th is a Tuesday with you. Can you maybe switch that out to a Friday or Saturday? Maybe swipe a February 29^th from 2020 or something? Sluttier costumes for Halloween (also a Tuesday BTW) would make everyone happy as well.

I have no idea what's going on here, and I probably never will.

I'm not sure I am exxpressing my point enough

True story; it took me 2 hours to write this and 5 days to do the pictures.

Have Kevolution Theory turn into my full time job. Or have peace on Earth. You can only choose one, and both have about the exact same chance of actually happening.

Here’s an easy one for you. Have all shelter animals find their forever homes. In exchange, please render oil, cable, bank, airline, health insurance CEOs homeless. Fair trade. Also, I would like access to their organs, because we will all need donors.

Have “vineyards” pronounced as it should be; “vine” and “yards.” Not “vinyards.” That just makes it sound snooty. I think it was just a bunch of rich silver spoon assholes wanting to sound all haughty. How come the song isn’t “Heard It Through the Grapevin?” Because it’s pronounced “vine” with the “e” at the end. Also, “vase” is pronounced “vaze” not “vaz” and don’t even get me started on “refurbished.”

So you see, 2017, this is not a complete list, but certainly a good place to start. It’s almost like this is such a good bit, it might pop up from time to time as you journey on. I am sure you will give me a lot to write about.