Kevolution Theory; The News Channel

There I was, 11 at night. I had just finished watching the Impractical Jokers channel. What, you don’t have that channel? It used to be called Tru TV, but every time I click on by, it’s IJ. I’m not complaining though. But, GD, am I sick of the Law and Order channel. Talk about bumming yourself out.

Every time I turn on the local news, it’s the same damn thing. Shootings, police lights, political moves that make you scratch your head. The formula never changes. It’s not news, it’s bad news. Turn on any of the 24 hour “news” channels, and it’s ridiculous. I turn on one channel and the issue is A. B and C. I turn on another news channel, and the same issue is presented as strictly X, Y and Z. Throw in the bullshit links people seem to like on their social media, and it’s no wonder we don’t know what to think.

This needs to change. I think, quite honestly, there needs to be a Kevolution of how and what news is presented. It got me to thinking-how would I change the news? How would I do it so it is more appealing, not so doom and gloom?

"Am I needed here?"

Why do they have to be negative stories? Why does it have to be about people dying, or overdosing or being stupid? Why can’t it be good, positive, inspirational, encouraging news? I’m not talking about that bullshit, hippy dippy drivel that one friend always posts on FB like nature quotes and bullshit. What if the news was actually about good people doing good things for other people? What if the top story was about a good person doing a good deed? What if it was actually news you could use?

My dream co-anchor. Coincidentally, also wearing my dream apron. I never even knew I had a dream apron.

What if the news really gave you an alternative view? What if the news was respectable? What if it was actually good news? What if it was actually honest? This is a lot to ask of the media these days, and there’s not too many brilliant minds who could redefine the news. In fact, I can only think of one such brilliant mind. Me. 

Beat it, Huey, I'm taking over here.

So I sat down, and started writing out just what and how I would do it. And this is the formula I came up with. For one of the few times in KT history, are you ready to NOT be offended? Here’s my vision.

Hello, all and welcome to Kevolution Unfiltered News Television. That’s right the KUN…. (Nope, No, No, Wait a minute. Nope. No. OK, so I’ll work on the title later) Here’s how a typical news cast would go.

Your Esteemed and Well Respected Journalist and Host- Kev O’Lucien. (Ok, so that’s not my actual name, but you would be surprised how many well established news journalists have stage names. Like, did you know Dan Rather’s real name is Oleg Kavorskiwich? Really, go look it up.)

Kev O’Lucien-Hello everyone and welcome to the 11 o’clock news. I am your host, the esteemed and well respected Kev O’Lucien. A pleasant evening to you. And right now, the big story is- (dramatic pause) PUPPIES!

KO-Would you like to help out other homeless dogs? And, OK, maybe a cat or 2? The shelter is full of them, and they would add so much to your life. So go open up your cold, black heart.

KO-Our next story, is about unhealthy people who got healthy. 

KO-Good job, guys! Very inspiring. Almost makes up for the shitty music. And lack of detail how they actually did it. I guess we'll roll part two tomorrow. And now, it’s time for the weather, take it away, Hot Weather Girl!

HWG (with attitude)-Um, I have a name, Kevin.

KO-I’m sure you do. But we really want to know is- what the weather is going to be like for the weekend? 

HWG (pulls out her phone to look at weather app) Well, Kevin, it’s the middle of July, so it’s what us meteorologists like to call ‘seasonal’. It might get really hot for a few days, then cool down. If you see clouds, there might be some rain. That’s what my Kevolution News weather app tells me. Get the app for free now on Android, you iPhone users can shove it up your pretentious ass. This getting all dressed up and giving you the forecast every damn night seems pointless when your lazy ass can look up the weather literally any time you want. And back to you, Kevin. (Pause.) And back to you, Kevin. (Another pause.) STOP LOOKING AT MY BOOBS, KEVIN!

One day to write this post, 8 days GIS 'hot weather girl.' These Spanish channels got it going on.

KO (calmly)-Thanks for the update, Hot Weather Girl. Now time for sports. To you, Sports Guy who doesn’t look like a jock at all.

SG (quickly looks at his phone)-Partial score tonight-Notre Dame 6. (Ok, that’s an old George Carlin bit. I’ve been listening a lot to his channel on SXM. Even though he has been gone for some time now, a lot of his material still holds up today.)

SG-Really, do you need more than the hometeam score? Look, it’s the summer, and the local baseball team sucks. But you know what? There’s a big ol’ world of sports that ain’t the “big four.” If you want that, then please go watch channel 6s sports cast. Here, we’re gonna go over NASCAR. And MMA. And lacrosse. You guys ever see this X Games stuff? That shit is gnarly! Hell, tomorrow is my in depth look at Lucha Underground. If you think soccer is boring, have you ever seen it played in the sand? Totally different! And all this-and even more!-can be found on the Kevoluton News app. Download for all your Android enabled devices.

KO-Thanks, Sports Guy. Hey, do you know the Weekend Sports Guy? That guy looks like he played football. Or at least lifts. The sports seems a bit more authentic coming from him than a pencil neck like you.

SG (tries to hide look of shame)

KO-Speaking of lifting, I hope you saw our earlier story on transformations. For more on how to get healthier, here’s Health Reporter Girl. I think she might have been a nurse at one time. Take it away, Health Reporter Girl.

GIS 'hot tv reporter girl' lead me to this internet celebrity. She's French and probably doesn't even report on heatlh, but hey, man, close enough. She is tres caliente.

HRG-Do you want to be healthier? Here’s a few tips you’ve probably heard a billion times by now, but have always ignored. This isn’t rocket science, people. Eat better. More fruits and veggies, less Skittles and Cheetos. Try a NutriBullet. Exercise. Maybe go to the pound from our first story and get a new best friend who will keep you active. Join a gym or any physical activity you find fun. Wallyball. Foxy boxing. Train for mud runs. And ladies, protein will not make you bulky. Join group work out classes. Thanks, and I’ll be back tomorrow to say the exact same thing till you get it through your thick skulls. Back to you, Kevin. (Pause.) Back to you, Kevin. (Pause.) STOP STARING AT MY BOOBS!    

           

KO-Speaking of boob jobs, here’s a list of some local job fairs. If you are unemployed or under employed, here are a few job fairs for different fields. Please note, none of these job fairs offer anything for blog writers because those dipshits never make any money. Here’s current affairs reporter –how many damn reporters do we need, anyway-with a report about current affairs. Over to you, Current Affairs Guy.

CAG-Look, we try to stay away from the negative stuff here, but since we care about you viewers, here’s few tips to survive the impending health care collapse. Get solid health care coverage for yourself and dependents. If you can’t, then may God have mercy on your soul. By the way, the soul is now actually a pre-existing condition. Fortunately, this isn’t a problem for all these dickhead politicians, because they have no soul to begin with. Back to you, Kevin.

KO-Great stuff there. Solid, really top notch. That vague and generic tip to “get solid healthcare” doesn’t even need further explanation. Word to my mother. If you don’t have anything to do but read idyllic blogs this weekend, here’s a list of free and low cost activities like museums, hikes, adult education classes, meet ups and bar crawls.

Now, let’s hear from a local visionary who has a truly brilliant idea.

KO Wow, that guy is sharp. Genius. Keep an eye on that kid. I like the cut of his jib.

SG (off mic but still heard in background) He probably doesn't even know what a jib is.

.

KO We'll have more Kevolution Theory News after you watch this and we do shots in the studio.

Cut to a few commercials, then a public service announcement.

The following is a public service announcement-PUT THE FUCKING PHONE DOWN AND PAY ATTENTION TO THE WORLD AROUND YOU.

KO-And we’re back, with one last look at weather, where I can’t imagine anything has drastically changed in the last 14 minutes.

HWG-No, tomorrow the sun will rise and set like I forecasted.

Clearly, most of my budget will be going to the hot weather girls.

KO-Sports Guy, anything from you?

SG-Yes, another late breaking score; the away team 17.

KO-Thanks for watching the news. 

June 40th

Wait, it’s almost the 4^th of July already? Wasn’t it just like Memorial Day? Why does the time between Memorial Day and the 4^th seem to fly by? Even if you’re sober. It’s just not fair, it’s just not right. We need more summer. We need more beach, pool, coolers, Frisbee, hiking, hammocks, suntan lotion. . We need more time here, we need a longer summer. So I have come up with an idea-June 40^st. Who doesn’t want a longer summer? More time for pool parties and BBQs. More time for college girls to take bikini pics on Insta. And I am pretty sure this will benefit the farmers as well. Someone track down Willie Nelson and Neil Young, and I believe they will agree with me. I think they’re currently splitting the Chairman of Agriculture position.

You DO know what this is the source picture for, right?

We all know summer gets the short shrift anyway. Doubt me? Go into any store like Target or Bed Bath & Beyond. Up until July 4^th, everything in the front of the store is all about summer; BBQ supplies, patio stuff, American flags, etc. I assure you, come July 5^th, all that shit is GONE. Even worse, it’s replaced by the dreaded Back To School BS. Look, I want all those little rugrats out of my way whenever I venture out into the general public, but even a miser like me says this is too much. Give the kids a summer fer chrissakes!

Yup, so I am proposing we add 10 (ten) days onto June. It makes perfect sense, as most of my whacked out ideas do. Who doesn’t want an extra ten days of summer? It’s win win!

Kevin, you just can’t arbitrarily add ten days to the calendar, it doesn’t work that way. You have to take the 10 days from somewhere else.

Whoa, who dafuq let you into the bathroom? I’m taking a dook, writing this shit out (like, literally). And you want an explanation? Ok, fine. We’ll get rid of the week between the Pro Bowl and the Super Bowl. Nothing gets done that week, anyway. Unless you live in Philadelphia, Cleveland or Buffalo.

That date always changes. You can’t take a week that always moves.

Really? You’re splitting hairs, here. OK. We’ll take the week from February. That’s the shortest month anyway. No one will notice. Hell, if I can even work it to get rid of Valentine’s Day, even better.

Ugh. Brilliance is always met with resistance. Go with me here, folks.

This still doesn’t make any sense. Plus you’re talking about adding ten days, but only replacing a week. There’s still three other days to deal with. 

UUGGHHHH. Can’t we just add ten days to the calendar? Who said the Greeks got it right, anyway? The 4^th of July is when- the 4^th of July? In the old June, that’s 4 days after the last day of June-the 30^th. So, new June will now absorb that date, and the 4^th of July will be celebrated on June 34^th. You pinko commies want to fight me on that one? Happy June 34^th America!

Now every year is 374 days.

OK, hotshot, what about Leap Years?

What am I, am mathematician here? Look, we’ll have three years to figure that shit out. I’ll have top men working on it. Top men.

Kev's Warehouse of Whacked Out Ideas

We can’t NOT afford to do this. Here’s what not having the extra 10 days of summer looks like.

Pretty bleak, huh?

Now here’s what those 10 extra days of summer looks like.

Frolicking like a boss.

"I would like to have your hot buns as well." 

Something smells fishy here.

OK, fine a little eye candy for my 2 female readers as well.

I swore I'd never put selfies of me on my blog, but here we are.

Gettin' my swole on. (And what's the deal with the hair on the guy in the bottom right?)

Very nice,

You're welcome, ladies.

Still, you can’t just add 10 extra ten days. You have to be, like the President or something.

President? Look, I’m just a dopey white guy with bad hair and no prior experience. But “president’ you say….hmm….

.

#VoteForKev2020