Eagles Win; The Best NFC Conference Game Jokes

Before I get to all the jokes, just a serious thought; how is shit like this NOT the biggest story in sports? Talk about class acts. And this has been going on since the Bills Mafia flooded Andy Dalton's charity. All these fans paying it forward to enemy players should be the lead story in every sports report. Despite any asshole behavior from any football fans today, please read this and find some reassurance there are actually decent people out there.

Viking Fans Donate 200K to Saints Punter Morstead's Foundation

"I triple dog dare you."

They are literally putting Crisco on light poles in Philadelphia to keep Eagles fans from climbing them. The multitude of the city’s fat strippers heard to say, “Yo, we got this.”

The city’s 17 Sixers fans are asking, “What is a conference championship?”

For those of you that don’t know, Philadelphia actually has a pro basketball team named the 76ers. 

Yes, I know this is news to me, too. I always thought the Sixers were the team that always lost to the Globe Trotters.

Vikings fans got to Philly early, and did the SKOL chant on the art museum steps. They were actually shocked to find out Philadelphia had a museum.

I've heard both teams' fight songs, and they are equally as horrible.

First result for "hot Eagles girl"

And the GIS for "hot Vikings girl"

Live look in at me now

Aaaand I'm done....

Saints fans still salty about last week's loss, claim game was predetermined. No wonder WreslteMania is there in April.

Anyone think the NFL made Philly the night game so it will look more picturesque as it burns?

At approx 3 o'clock, there has already been a fight in the Philly parking lot. Philly fans getting a jump on being classy. I did not see any Viking fans in the video.

And now they're throwing beers at Vikes fans as they walk into the game. Not surprisingly, the Vikes fans aren't struck as Philly fans wrists are far too limp to throw a beer.

If someone could make a "anyone but the Eagles" profile frame for Facebook, it would be fire. FI-UR.

The definition of throwing gas on a fire is giving Philly fans all day to drink.

Mike Zimmer is wearing glasses to protect his eyes from batteries.

"I'm wise to you, Philadelphia."

"It will get better, bro."
"I know, bro."

Philly fans are wearing dog masks at the game. That's about the only way they can make themselves attractive.

Anyone ever seen Case Keenum and Daniel Bryan in the same room?

Everyone is making a big deal about Keenum and Foles in the Conference final. But what are the odds two former Dallas QBs would be calling the games?

That girl that eats the Skittles pox is the skankiest thing I've seen. And I've seen a lot.

By the way, the Nets beat the Pacers by a point today. If you care about that sort of thing.

Keenum throws for a TD; Iggles fans immediately threaten his family.

This is Nick Foles with his wife Tori

This is Case Keenum with his wife Kim

Are there any movies where entire cities don't get destroyed? Looking at you Rampage. And Pacific Rim. And Avengers. And any other super hero movie. 

At 6:42 of the first, I have more yards going to the fridge than the Iggles have. BTW, the Iggles have zero yards at this point.

Case Keenum throws his 2nd TD. To the Eagles. Motherf.....

Can't AT&T bring Lily back to compete with the annoying Verizon guy?

"You hear me now?"

Speaking of girls in commercials, anyone else kinda finding her appealing?

"Wanna check my pants?"

Geez, when will this Eagle on Eagle violence ever end?

Eagles score TD, go up 14-7. You can literally feel football fans rolling their eyes saying, "Not this. Not them."

Wait, the Simpsons isn't gonna be on tonight?

Is it just me, or does Case Keenum's neck disappear when he puts his helmet on?

Keenum gets hit, fumbles, turns it over. Budweiser sales surge in the stadium.

Eagles fans celebratory posts on FB starting to contain more more more misspelled words. Vikes fans too busy chewing their fingernails to type anything.

Anyone else missing Tony Siragusa these days? Yea, I didn't think so.

Foles avoids defenders, uncorks TD throw to Jeffery. Um, what's the plan for this game again?

Eagles fans seen googling 'Minnesota' so they know how to spell it correctly when looking for flights and rooms.

It's a good thing Prince isn't around to see this mess.

Kristina Pink totally sounds like a stripper name.

Eagles up by 17 at half. Motherf....

Seeing Larry Fitzgerald in all these commercials 'between games' and it's no wonder the Cardinals sucked this year.

Brett Favre just put his old Vikes jersey on and is standing by in case the phone rings. His family is worried about him.

Eagles run trick play on third down and score. Philly fans losing what little shit they had. Brady watching the game and saying, "Pikers. Been there."

Mike Vick can go fuck himself, and no, I will not let it go.

If the Eagles do win this game, this will one of those Super Bowls where the rest of the country wants neither team to win.

Vikes can't convert a 4th and goal. If you know any Minnesota fans, you might wanna check in on them now.

I'm shocked there haven't been drunken Eagles fans running on the field. The Vikes probably couldn't stop them, either.

If it's possible to save some points for the next game, ya might wanna do that Birds.

Eagles up 24 at the beginning of the 4th. Philly cops seen putting on riot gear. Philly cop horses also putting on riot gear.

Eagles score again. There's a fight on the PAT. It does not stop the badass Philly cheerleaders from running out onto the field. At this point, the cheerleaders could probably whup the Vikings.

Speaking of Eagles cheerleaders

This game is so bad, I'm actually GIS hot Eagles cheerleaders. But I'm not complaining.

The rest of the county is thinking, "Shit, two more weeks of Eagles fans."

Lotta Tide Pods challenges going on in Minny right now.

The safest place to be in Philadelphia tonight is in a helicopter.

Every hooligan criminal in Philadelphia will be wearing one of those German Shepherd masks.

If the Viking fans are being quiet, it's only because they are planning on how to torture the Eagles when they're staying in Minneapolis.

I thought this was the plan.

Marcus Williams is all like, "See?! I told you! Don't blame me."

Historians are now taking what are termed "before" pictures of Philadelphia.

We're well into garbage time, why do you have Nick Foles still playing?

Speaking of garbage time, whatever happened to Katie Nolan?

I don't know what's more horrible, this Vikings team today or Eagles owner Jeffrey Lurie trying to dance with his team.

Time to watch Philly burn.

Patriots Win; The Best AFC Game Jokes and Memes

I don’t have a dog in this race, but the best part of being a fan of either team is you have an excuse to get hammered. “My team’s in the conference final. Let’s party.” “My team won, let’s party!” “My team lost, let’s drown our sorrows.” Everybody wins.

I don’t care who wins this game, this is just training for eating like a hog in two weeks.

In an unrelated note, my use of napkins decreases proportionally when I wear hoodies. You’re welcome, Mother Earth.

Let's play a game; who's hotter? First image that appears for "hot Patriots girl"

Repping the Patriots

And GIS for "hot Jaguars girl"

Well played, Jags, 3 for the price of 1. Even though that is probably the same girl, still yes, yes and yes to be safe.

I could literally play this game all day long.

This is the closest Tony Romo has ever been to the Super Bowl. Suck on that, haters.

There is no actual word "bortle", let alone "Bortles." But it's still dang fun to say.

One day, I hope to have a beard as glorious as Matt Patricia.

New England only up by 3 at the end of one. Lost that bet.

Tom Brady telling cameramen to "get the fuck off the field." Guess they must be getting in the way of the Patriots cameramen.

If chicken wings were points, I'd be dominating this game.

How many bloody NCIS's are there?

If I ever owned a Mercedes, I'd have to name it Lewis.

In case you're not paying attention or those Boston Lagers are kicking in.

Jags winning 7-3.

Jags winning 14-3. This is all going to plan. I guess.

Gronk has his own Monster Energy drink. It has 52 freaking grams of sugar in it.

With 52 grams of sugar, how is there space for anything else?

I feel like I'm playing Madden against my nephew. And I'm the Patriots. Also, he is 4.

From what I can tell, Bortles isn't dating anyone right now, but was tapping this in college. Doesn't matter, if he wins this game, he's dating up anyway.

Guys, this is Lindsay Duke. I'll give you a minute to get to your bunk.

Gronk just got cracked in the head, and the commentators think he's "woozy." If you wanna see "woozy" watch me stumble to the pisser at halftime.

I like how these Diet Dr Pepper commercials have to let you know Justin Guarini is "Lil Sweet." Most people are like, "Screw Lil Sweet, who dafuq is Justin Guarini?"

At the half, Jags up by 4. Yup, all according to plan.

The following commercial spokespeople can please go DIAF; Verizon guy, Flo from Progressive, Paul from Sprint, Chevy guy.

But can we get back Erin Insurance. I don't have a manga thing, but I think I would have to give this a shot.

Admit it, you would.

Did you REALLY have to click that to see what DIAF meant?

Now that Aaron Rodgers is banging Danica Patrick, I doubt Clay Matthews is in an adjoining room.

Jags nail kick, up 7.

Jags nail another kick, up 10.

Gronk says, 'Screw it, I'm going to the bar."

I've really been enjoying Tony Romo's work as a broadcaster, but you know even he's thinking, "Blake Bortles??"

Jags take possession on a tight turnover call. Patriots fans thought the refs were supposed to be on their side.

For the life of me, I can't find anything about Pats fans being assholes. Meanwhile, in Philly they're already fighting each other and throwing beers at Vikes fans. (Yes, there will be links and vid in the NFC blog.) 

You know whoever loses this game will get the "At least you saved on your taxes" meme.

Pats get TD, down by 3, 8:44 to go. Yup, all according to plan.

ENOUGH WITH THE GODDAMNED HORN!

Miles Jack would be my ring name in the WWE.

And as soon as I wrote that, he got hurt.

After trailing for 56 minutes, the Patriots take the lead and the game.

The seal has been opened. The Illuminati have spoken.

Bullshit Facts About Myself (Work Edition)

Open up work email; hey, we're having everyone in for a meeting! (Yea, I know, that's a rough open, but it's the best I can do on a Tuesday.)

And to make things even more douchetastic, we’re going to be doing-wait for it-ice breakers! I have been asked to forward three random facts about myself. As a struggling writer and accomplished asshole, I find myself conflicted. This makes me feel happy, because most edgy writers seem to have some sort of conflict that is fuel. The angel on my shoulder says to get in the spirit of the thing and offer appropriate facts. The devil on my shoulder says let’s make wild shit up. And since the bar likes to take this thing called “money” in exchange for the ambrosia that is “alcohol,” I think the angel wins out this time. But the devil is the one that mostly writes these blogs and my better stories.

 I mean, it could be worse. What’s worse than ice breakers? (You know you know the answer, you just don’t wanna say it.) Role playing! No, not the sexy kind with cable guys, pool boys or where the chick gets “stuck.” No, the kind of role playing where there are totally unrealistic situations and you respond by spouting out company jargon. Can we please just move past this? Isn’t there a PowerPoint we need to see or something?

And this is exactly why I need to be a writer; for the life of me I can’t come up with even three interesting facts about my boring ass. Instead, all these come out. So while I struggle to come up with three facts that make me seem like the Most Interesting Man in the Room and impress the lone hot girl, I will use my time by doing what I apparently do best; screwing around and making no additional money. Maybe my high school guidance counselor was right about me.

As I envision it, these “facts” will be read aloud in a cold meeting room.

Three swigs of whiskey, first thing in the morning, every morning.

I like to crop dust meeting rooms.

I think that people who look at Facebook while they are supposed to be working are big, fait, hairy losers.

I was the sixth grade spelling champ. (True). The winning word was apodyopsis.

This was quite popular in Catholic school.

Taylor Swift wrote a song about me.

There’s so many lies on my resume, I’ve honestly forgotten what’s true and what’s not.

I have eleven fingers. (Watch everyone else look around the room.)

I had successful gender reassignment surgery.

A year later, I changed my mind and had another successful gender reassignment surgery.

I write a wildly successful blog.

When I was a child, my class went on a field trip to the local zoo. We went into the snake house. No one knew that a poisonous snake got loose. Before anyone could stop it, the snake bit me. And then I bit that sunna bitch right back.

I see a shrink 3 times a week for what he’s termed “murderous tendencies.”

I’ve appeared on American Idol. And The Voice. And The Four. And Rockstar; INXS. And Nashville Star. And every other POS music reality show you morons can’t seem to get enough of.

Every pair of underwear I own says “Tuesday.”

I dated Ms. Wisconsin, then dumped her for Ms. North Dakota.

This is really the current Ms. North Dakota. Eyebrows kinda on fleek, but not too shabby.

I played pro lacrosse in my early 20s.

I was a professional foot model. (OK, inside joke, I once wrote for a blog under a redic fake name-we all did-and those last two facts were in my bio. Good times.)

Connor McGregor is afraid of me.

I was in a famous viral video. I didn’t know those two girls, but I did supply what was in the cup.

I wasn’t born in America. I was born in one of those shithole countries.

I have a patent for the 27^th letter of the alphabet.

I run marathons in my spare time.

I read every email and enjoy working nights and weekends.

I changed the signature in my email to “Holla at ya boy” and no one has ever noticed.

My last concert was Luke Bryan. He’s great. Especially when he’s wearing a cap.

Tell me there's some sort of machine somewhere that just churns out all these dudes that look the same.

I enjoy independent films in my downtime.

I find role playing a useful and worthwhile exercise during these meetings.

Best piece of business advice I ever got; don’t shit where you eat. And on an unrelated note, sorry, Gina, but it’s over. Stop sitting next to me.

It's So Cold That...

Hey, everyone, Happy 2018! Sick of this bullshit winter weather yet? I am. Well, I have some good news for my scant loyal readers; all this coldness has at least got me a new blog to entertain you. And what better way to start off a new year of writing a blog nobody reads than by a listicle? If you're already well into your 2018 resolution to be "even more lazy" and don't even wanna click on the link, listicles are basically what writers do when they have a one set up and multiple punch lines. If you're old enough to remember David Letterman, this is essentially his old Top Ten bit. 

Also, it's a slump buster. A pretty easy and relatively cheap way to post various thoughts bouncing around one's head. Which, coincidentally enough also satisfies one of my New Years Resolutions to write "pretty easy and cheap posts." See, we're both winners! Anyway, here are some of the thoughts that have been running through my frozen head. And those of you living in warm areas right now, STFU.

It's so cold that...

Bills fans are setting tables on fire for warmth

My dog froze his nuts off. Wait a minute, I had him fixed, never mind

The temp matches my bank account-4

I can no longer hear Margaritaville on Sirius

I froze an egg on the sidewalk

Hot ass Spanish weather girls are wearing underwear

I don't know what she's sayin', but I ain't listenin'.

In fact, they invented a new word-muy coldiente

I drove through the "bombogenesis" listening to Genesis, so everything worked out fine.

Other phrases I just invented to needlessly hype storms and scare people-thermal dropkick, Freezy McDeezy, a sarsaparilla level storm, 'Nor Beaster, I repeat a sarsaparilla level storm, Winter Storm Hoth

The snowman I built wants to come inside

My wiper fluid is frozen, so anytime I need to clean my windshield, I have to stop, get out, pour windshield wiper fluid all over then start the wipers like a chump

The sixer of beer I had in my car blew up and is empty. Deputy.

It’s colder than two witches tits

Number of posts so far in 2018; 1. Number of "sexy Halloween" pics in posts; also 1.

Donald Trump is taking credit for it

I’m already behind in my running regimen. So fuck it, next year

I Netflix and froze

My Uber last night was an AT-AT

"Try not to get sick this time, eh Kev?"

It's a four dog night

Every Milwaukee's Best is technically Beast Ice

Anytime I see anyone running in this weather, I assume they are fleeing the scene of a grisly crime