It's So Cold That...

Hey, everyone, Happy 2018! Sick of this bullshit winter weather yet? I am. Well, I have some good news for my scant loyal readers; all this coldness has at least got me a new blog to entertain you. And what better way to start off a new year of writing a blog nobody reads than by a listicle? If you're already well into your 2018 resolution to be "even more lazy" and don't even wanna click on the link, listicles are basically what writers do when they have a one set up and multiple punch lines. If you're old enough to remember David Letterman, this is essentially his old Top Ten bit. 

Also, it's a slump buster. A pretty easy and relatively cheap way to post various thoughts bouncing around one's head. Which, coincidentally enough also satisfies one of my New Years Resolutions to write "pretty easy and cheap posts." See, we're both winners! Anyway, here are some of the thoughts that have been running through my frozen head. And those of you living in warm areas right now, STFU.

It's so cold that...

Bills fans are setting tables on fire for warmth

My dog froze his nuts off. Wait a minute, I had him fixed, never mind

The temp matches my bank account-4

I can no longer hear Margaritaville on Sirius

I froze an egg on the sidewalk

Hot ass Spanish weather girls are wearing underwear

I don't know what she's sayin', but I ain't listenin'.

In fact, they invented a new word-muy coldiente

I drove through the "bombogenesis" listening to Genesis, so everything worked out fine.

Other phrases I just invented to needlessly hype storms and scare people-thermal dropkick, Freezy McDeezy, a sarsaparilla level storm, 'Nor Beaster, I repeat a sarsaparilla level storm, Winter Storm Hoth

The snowman I built wants to come inside

My wiper fluid is frozen, so anytime I need to clean my windshield, I have to stop, get out, pour windshield wiper fluid all over then start the wipers like a chump

The sixer of beer I had in my car blew up and is empty. Deputy.

It’s colder than two witches tits

Number of posts so far in 2018; 1. Number of "sexy Halloween" pics in posts; also 1.

Donald Trump is taking credit for it

I’m already behind in my running regimen. So fuck it, next year

I Netflix and froze

My Uber last night was an AT-AT

"Try not to get sick this time, eh Kev?"

It's a four dog night

Every Milwaukee's Best is technically Beast Ice

Anytime I see anyone running in this weather, I assume they are fleeing the scene of a grisly crime