A thought occurred to me at my
town’s recent 4th of July parade. There I was, 6 deep into my 30
pack, when a local politician paraded by. “Shit! It’s, like 2018! There’s an
election in 2 years! And I’m running! I better kill these last 24 and get to
work!”
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| "America! Fuck Yeah!" |
I’m starting to put together some
of my campaign platforms; the issues that are important to me, as well as you. High
level strategizing for sure. These are some of the ideas and stances I am
working on. This of course isn’t everything, but it gives the thinking voter an
idea of what kind of President you can expect me to be.
All political offices will now
have an ethics clause. I know, how come this isn’t already a thing, right? If we
can hold our athletes and celebrities to some sort of standard, why can’t we enforce
this for elected officials? Makes sense. If a politician is found in violation
of such clause (after due process through Judge Judy. She squares shit away in
30 minutes.), the offender is immediately relieved of his (and let’s face it,
it’s probably a dude, anyway) position. And fuck
these assholes trying to hide their criminal records, everyone is going to
be transparent. To further reinforce this ethics clause, I am thinking of
having the opposing political party insert the candidate of their choosing.
Kinda fleshing this one out a bit for shenanigans, but that’s a pretty good
twist, right? Speaking of political office…
Did you know Congress has
off the entire month of August? Did you know the House of Representatives
averages 138
“legislative days?” Those workhorses over at the Senate average a
mean 162 days a year? By way of reality check, let’s just say the average
American works 48 five-day weeks. Quick math on my phone tells me that’s 240
days. So how do we expect to get anything done when the decision makers work
almost 100 less days? And yes, to be fair, there is some play in those numbers,
click the hyper to read more. They’re all going to work more. I can’t do all the work around here. And in
fact, I won’t be doing all the work
around here. I will be very open during
my campaign and say I will be taking nights, weekends, holidays and one
floating hangover holiday per month off. I think that’s fair, and I’ll
occasionally check email and the White House GroupMes. Don’t worry, this is when
my VP will be working. You guys will be in good hands if the shit hits the fan
on the weekend. You’re welcome, America.
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| "Ha! You get my vote over my dead body, Kev." "That's OK. I can wait." |
Dogs in every house. In fact, I
plan to enact tax breaks for people who have dogs. More so if they are rescues.
Everyone knows dogs make life better, we don’t need the Kevolution Theory
Bureau of BS Statistics to tell us that. To fund this tax break, I plan to ax
children. No, wait, I meant to say tax children, my bad. I don’t know why anyone hasn’t thought of this before. Kids are like,
kinda free. You pay taxes on every damn thing else, so pay a few bucks for your
precious snowflake that will only use up more of precious Mother Earth’s already
limited sources. I may be persuaded to give breaks on other pets, too, like
cats and hamsters and stuff. But I won’t kid you, I will need to be lobbied on
that. Speaking of….
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| "Face it, the only thing uglier than this bed is your skank boyfriend.. I did you a favor. Good thing you have a coupla extra bucks because of me." |
All lobbying will be broadcast on
CSPAN. I think I have like 3 damn CSPAN channels now. I know I should watch
them, they seem to be broadcasting important things. But CSPAN channels are
right after Tru TV. And I usually stop there because I just can’t get enough of
those darn Impractical Jokers! Larry!
But seriously, if you’re some
sort of PAC or lobbying interest. And you wanna get to me, you are welcome to.
It’s just gonna be in front of everyone else, so we can all see your
intentions. You should have nothing to hide, big oil, tobacco, NRA, telecom,
right? You’re welcome, America.
June 40th
is happening. Prepare. #YoureWelcomeAmerica
Cut cancer funding “Kev, you heartless bastard! How could you?”
Ok, so hold on, let me clarify this before this gets all fake news and click baity.
Cancer’s been around for a million years now, and for the life of me, I don’t
know what progress we’ve made, if any. Sure, there are arguments to be made
that we should really be addressing prevention and causation as opposed to
curing. My point here is conservative numbers proffered by the KT Bureau for BS
Statistics notes that approximately 40 kajillion dollars and 42 cents has been
raised/funded/donated to cancer research, and what has that got us? Really, I
wanna know. So, here’s how this works-
If you’re researching cancer and
receiving funds, I just want to see your progress. If you’ve blown through a
serious amount of dough and have nothing to show, toss off, wanker, you’re shut
down. Instead, those funds will go towards another research outfit, subject to
the same evaluation. It’s kinda clear to me we need some new, young eyes on
this. These current eggheads in the white coats seem to be doing jack. #YoureWelcomeAmerica
All baseball games end after 5
innings. People are busy and don’t have time for a full nine innings of this
bullshit. Also, I will strip it of the bogus “America’s Favorite Pastime.” That
moniker now goes to Facebook. #YWA.
Earn those handicap tags. For my
real job, (I know; occasionally posting funny ass blogs don’t pay the bills) I
travel a great deal. And statistics I have calculated own my own extensive
experience reveal 98% of cars that have handicapped plates/tags don’t need
them. I can’t tell you how many times (actually I can, it’s like 98% of the time, duh) I see a car with the tag or plate scoot right into the handicapped
spot and a very able-bodied driver springs right out. How fucking offensive. If
you are driving around with a handicapped plate/tag and don’t need it, you are
truly the worst kind of scum on the earth. It’s for people like this I hope
karma truly exists and allows me to beat them with a tire iron until until such tag
is truly needed. When I’m President, this is an arrestable offense, and civil
beatings of these douchebags will be tolerated. #YWA.
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| Pass |
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| Pass. |
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| Hard pass. |
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| Hard fail. |
I will immediately revoke Pierre
McGuire’s visa so he can no longer ruin hockey games. #YWA, but sorry Canada,
that’s your problem now. Oh wait, he was born in NJ? GD it, OK table this one,
but I will figure it out.
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| "Ha! Nice try, Kev. Not today." |
Fund musicians. Really. Music is
very important to life. And every day, I am truly inspired by how many musicians
I see out there, giving us the soundtrack to our miserable lives. Providing the
joy, hope, solace, strength, inspiration that pulls us through so much. Yet it’s
harder and harder for the truly talented of them to eke out a living in this
age of I “Heart” radio, MTV not actually playing any M anymore, low royalties
from Apple, Google and streaming sites, less and less venues to play. True
musicians need to be fostered and encouraged as they learn and get better. I
still buy CDs whenever possible; I’ll download when necessary. I will go to
their shows and buy their merch, as long as it’s cool. (It’s a bad feeling when
there’s an artist I want to support, and they have shitty merch.) To provide
for this, I will cut back on useless government spending from somewhere else.
Like the Olympics. Big deal, you won a gold medal in archery or skeleton. Now
go find a real job, slacker.
“But, Kev, I don’t really like
music.”
“First of all, that’s President
Kev to you and second GO FUCK OFF AND DIE
YOU HEARTLESS MONSTER. I WILL EXILE YOUR UNFEELING ASS SOMEWHERE THEY ALREADY
HAVE WALLS. WE DON’T NEED YOUR KIND HERE.” #YWA
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| Acceptable. You may pass. |
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| Pass |
Officially recognize “Coconut”
Roman Coke as the truly innovative and visionary writer he was. I know only 3
people get this reference, but it’s THE GODDAMNED TRUTH. I would tell you to
Google him, but he did such a good disappearing act, there is no web dirt on
him. That is truly humanity’s lost. #YWA
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| Uhh...yea...pass |
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| Take a wild guess... |
Driving under the speed limit is
points. More so if you’re in the left hand lane. #YWA
| Pass |
Of course, this is but a sample
of all my ideas, stances and platforms. I think you can see my progressive
thinking here. For sure there are more difficult issues to tackle like gun
control, environmental issues, education, immigration, health insurance. But
you guys know this is a humor blog, right? Only so many serious issues I can
tackle without some ha-ha’s sprinkled in. Rest assured, I will be working on
these for the next two years to earn your vote.
As always, you’re welcome,
America.
#VoteForKev2020
