Thursday, November 8, 2018

The Kevolution Theory Approved Way To Board Planes


I’ve been flying a lot these last few weeks. I say that not as a brag, but as just a reality, and basis for the rest of this post. Really, in 2019 (always be looking forward, kids) flying is not that big a deal, and pretty common. Look up in the sky at any given time, and you will probably see a plane of some sort. Most of us have some sort of job, that might require periodic travel for such Penthouse Forum fodder things like “training meetings” or “conventions.”

best way to fly
I needed a generic, yet eye catching picture to be the default.


Here’s a fact some of you probably don’t know about air travel. Is it possible to actually go to an airport and fly on a plane WITHOUT CHECKING IN ON SOCIAL MEDIA! I know, shocking, right? OK, so let’s have this discussion right at the top. Knock it off with all the humble bragging about having to fly for work. We get it, you have a job that either requires a lot or a little of travel. It’s not that rare. The worst are these dickheads that post screed like, “Off to Chicago/Las Vegas/Scandanavia/Cleveland/LA. Again.” Knock that shit off, you look like a flaming asshole. Get on the GD plane, watch a movie, read, WTF ever and chill out. No one cares that you are at Hartsfield Jackson. Again.

And while we’re at it, really, what IS the deal with airline food? We’re just down to 6 pieces of something called “party mix?”  It should be called “sad party mix.” Maybe if you’re lucky, you might get a bonus pack of cookies. I recently flew Delta and got their cookies. They were exquisite.

I wouldn’t consider myself a frequent flyer. But I fly enough to know we can make some simple changes that can make this a much more pleasant experience for everyone. I’ve identified a few behaviors that need to stop as well. We need to wise up when it comes to airline travel. And isn’t that why you read this blog; to become more smarter and stuff? Read on and prepare to buy new headwear as your brain will no doubt grow.

best way to fly
Your head after reading this post.


There I was, feeling pretty good about life. I was able to snag an aisle seat, a goal I always strive for as I am rather tall. The seat was also in the rear of the plane, which is key as I will touch upon later. Do I really need to say that I am so important that I fly coach? Anywhoo, I was quite stoked when I looked at my mobile boarding pass, and I was Zone 1. Zone 1 implies I am boarding first. I don’t know why this is a big deal for people. Honestly, since I sit on the aisle, and towards the back, it really doesn’t bother me either way.

best way to board a plane
Anyone know where Hooters Air is flying out of these days? Asking for a friend.


As soon as the gate starts making announcements, a herd of stupid people mob to the desk to stand in line. Huh? I can understand being in a rush. But bumrushing the front of the boarding area like it was a Limp Bizkit concert in the mid 90s doesn’t speed anything up. Nitwits. As always, I am the invisible man, unseen in the background, surveying the situation. And it hit me. And this is really the gist of this post.



We are boarding planes all wrong.


I was calmly sitting down in my chair, contently sipping my expensed Jumba Juice cookies and creme smoothie; also exquisite. My pass said Zone 1, so one would think I would be in the first boarding group, right? Nope. Noob mistake on my part. Much like 2x4s aren’t really 2x4s anymore (Don’t believe me? G’head and measure one. Also, Subway footlongs are not 12 inches.) Instead, the first group to board is something like Admiral Class or some bullshit. Followed by Emerald Status or some such bullshit. There were numerous such bullshit groups that got to board first before the commoners in Zone 1. I guess this really matters to some people, or it’s a perk to aspire to. After that it was Zone 1 to Zone 20 or however long they drag it out to. Whatever, I make sure to cropdust First Class as I barge through. I don’t care if they hear me.

And this is the biggest mistake we’re making. This is where we need to make one simple change that can speed things up and make the boarding process much more efficient. In fact, this will be a #VoteForKev2020 initiative.

No more 5 different terms for First Class. It’s all one group under one term- First Class. As much as I would like to change this and make the new Kevolution Theory Boarding Process even more effective, I can concede that this is still a revenue point for airlines (not like they need any more) and a status symbol/reward for others. So, fine, let these fragile little egos board first. Here, is where the radical change takes place.

The next group to board is Window Seats. That’s right, so if you have a window seat, you board next. After that will be Middle Seats in i.e the seat next to the window seat. This continues until we get to the aisle seat. Aisle Seats board last. Fucking revolutionary and common sense, right?

best way to fly
See? This is EXACTLY why I don't take the window seat.


By the Windows boarding first, that eliminates anyone having to get up to let someone in. After the Windows are all seated, the remaining Middle Seats are boarded in order. Once the Middles are all seated, Aisle Seats board.

No one is getting up or “squeezing by.” If you’re an Aisle, no need to get up to let in Windows and Middles. #YWA

I am somewhat saddened to report even though I flew a few times, I did not, at any point, mysteriously arrive 5 years in the future. I did however, start drinking on Friday and woke up to a Monday, so I am getting closer to time travel.

While we’re at it, let’s talk about these dolts that stand up AS SOON AS THE PLANE IS AT THE GATE. Can someone please explain to my why people feel the need to do this? I can see if you have a connection. But standing up and clogging the aisle doesn’t speed anything up. I am pretty sure these are the same jackals that don’t wash their hands after going to the bathroom. You’re not getting off any quicker. What am I missing here, because I really don’t understand. If you can explain this to me, please comment below.

best way to fly
Idiots.


And look, since we’re all friends here, I will give you my biggest travel tip. I am loathe to do it, because I don’t want to see everyone doing it, thus making it ineffective. Since I treasure you, dear reader, and there are literally a billion other (lesser) blogs out there you could be reading whilst dropping a deuce, but you come here, I feel I can share. Just don’t tell your friends.

I’m gonna take a wild stab that most of my readership probably doesn’t travel first class often, so it’s usually coach with the rest of The Great Unwashed. Previously, I told you why I like to be in the back of the plane. I prefer the rear for many reasons.



And this is my biggest secret to successful travel. Flying towards the rear of the plane allows you the luxury of walking by all kinds of open overhead bins. Generally, these primo spaces tend to fill up quickly, especially on smaller planes. I have already decided that the ‘overhead’ bag contains nothing I need for the flight; no tablets, books, neck pillow, magazines, happy socks, protein bars, etc. All that stuff is in my backpack. If I’m sitting row 34, yet see an open bin above row 20, I put my bag in there. Now, not only have I prevented myself from checking the bag, and possibly adding wait time to pick it up after landing, my bag is safely stowed. Passengers are generally too distracted to notice that I throw my bag above, then continue walking 15 rows back. I now also have the added luxury of my bag being easier to take out of the overhead since it is usually mostly empty at that point. Voila! #YWA. Now don’t bogart that idea.

Another benefit of being in the back-and yes, this has to be addressed-is if the plane crashes. In such a horrible instance, at least I will have the luxury of a few brief extended tenths of a second amount more of live over those poor suckers who are sitting First Class. Ha, where did all that extra money get you now? I imagine my last pleasure will be seeing those assholes burn. Before I do.

So what are your great airline travel tips? Share below. Don’t worry, no one reads this blog anyway.



Deleted Scene
This was an actual conversation behind me as I was waiting to board. I’ve been struggling to make this the best joke I can. Ultimately, I guess it’s best form is just the way it took place, and the overall thing it says about our social media driven society.

Two people are standing behind me. One says, “Oh my God! Did you read what I just posted?”
And I’m thinking, “You are literally standing. Right. Next. To. Her.”

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