Hey, Let's Just Ban All Xmas Songs!1!

If there’s one thing you’ve figured out about me by now, it’s I hate Xmas. Not pretend, shallow male Lifetime Xmas movie character hate Xmas. No, this is a long standing, battle tested attitude. I will just never understand the love for “the holidays.” Ergo, if I hate Xmas, then it’s a pretty safe bet that I can’t stand Xmas music. I’ve said it before, and I will say it again; “Just how many times does one need to freaking hear Jingle Bells?”

One of the viral stories from this holiday season is the sudden outrage over a little holiday ditty called “Baby, It’s Cold Outside.” In case you have a life, story here. Full song lyrics here.

If you’re reading this, you’re probably busy assembling your own attitude about this song, and you want to get an intelligent take. Here’s my take; so you can go into work tomorrow and pretend it’s yours, you sonna bitch.

The song was written in 1944, which is, like, a hundred year ago. And here’s two facts; at no time is there any mention of Xmas in the song and it was written by a husband to perform with his wife. It was written to play at the end of a party to send everyone home. 

I have this hanging 24/7.

Like most ‘classic’ Xmas songs, it’s a relic from a different time. And while I honestly don’t believe it was written to be predatory, times change, we evolve, and lo and behold, now it’s kinda, maybe, a bit not PC. Again, I don’t think there are shenanigans going on here, much of it was the language and social norms of the day. I don’t think the male is trying to spike her drink, keep her against her will, throw her down a hole, rubs the lotion on its skin. This song reminds me of another song from that era; “One More For My Baby (And One More For The Road.)” Some Jersey guy named Frank made it popular. The story of that song is some poor sap ‘bending the bartender’s ear’ about a ‘brief episode.’ The gist is it’s closing time and in addition to asking for one for his long gone girl, he also wants ‘one more for the road.’ And this is another example of how society learns and evolves. Back in the 40s, it was apparently the norm to ask for ‘one more for the road.’ That meant you got another 4 fingers of Scotch, threw it down, got behind the wheel of your Model T, maybe drove through Farmer Joe’s corn field just a little bit and went home. In the morning, everyone would laugh it off, and you’d take the car to the town mechanic to repair. Now we know that is a pretty stupid move, so that phrase has gone the way of CB radio, but it’s still a great fucking song. When do the SJW come for that?

So, what was I talking about?

Oh yea. I think it’s time to just play it safe and ban ALL Xmas songs.

Yes, maybe that’s a bit of a knee jerk reaction. But guess what? If you actually listen to some Xmas songs (like I have for the sake of this post, and I am now scarred for life. See what I do for you guys? Where’s my damn Pulitzer?) I listened to a bunch, and guess what? Each and every one contains something offensive. So let’s bubble wrap everything and protect the snowflakes and get rid of all the Xmas songs. Don’t think we should? Well, as Aerosmith sings, “Read on.” Or I think that’s what they say.

Jingle Bells. Offensive lyrics:

Oh what fun it is to ride in a one horse open sleigh

That’s animal cruelty in 2018 folks. Why are we enslaving such beautiful creatures (looking at you, Clydesdales) to pull our ass around? Haven’t you seen the commercials? We’re all getting new cars for Xmas!

Deck the Halls. Offensive lyrics;

Deck the halls with boughs of holly

Don we now, our gay apparel

You jackals! I don’t know where holly grows, but do we need to rip it from the Earth to deck our halls? Why do halls even need holly? And just how much holly IS a bough? It’s probably too much. And GAY apparel? How the blue hell have the SJW not gone after this song? What is gay apparel? Ha! You’re evil for just even thinking about it, you homophobe! I’m really starting to feel dirty researching this post. (And, no, the Xmas porn I’ve also been “researching” doesn’t count.)

Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer. Offensive lyrics: (oh boy, where do we even start? And this song is relatively new compared to the others)

Grandma got run over by a reindeer

She’d been drinking too much eggnog/And we begged her not to go/But she forgot her medication/And she staggered out the door into the snow

She had hoofprints on her forehead/And incriminating Claus marks on her back

And the blue and silver candles/ That would just have matched the hair in grandma’s wig

To a man who drives a sleigh and plays with elves

Man, I swear, these songs are dirty. How is mainstream radio getting away with playing such un PC songs? Where do I start? Just the image of a poor, helpless grandma getting run over by a flying reindeer? How is this Christmassy? How does the imagery of animals colliding into the elderly evoke joy? You specters with your “holiday music.” You all should be ashamed for listening to such violent songs. Go settle down and listen to the gangsta rap channels. And why are we painting Gamma as an alkie as she stumbles out into the snow? Sure, she forgot her medication; so now we’re assuming she has dementia. I know, this will make a great Xmas song! And then let’s not only find her body, but put hoof prints on her forehead and make Santa all handsy! Elmo and Patsy -if that’s even their real names-should be arrested. If they’re still alive.

OK, so devil’s advocate. So what is this is a response track? What if the titular Grandma, is actually the Baby in “Baby, It’s Cold Outside?” What if it’s actually good ol’ grandpa trying to cajole her to stay safe, instead of wandering out into the night full of murderous deer? Different spin, now, huh? I’ll give you a second for your mind to recover being blown before I ruin another holiday classic.

12 Days of Xmas. Offensive lyrics;

Just about every damn line

Wow, let’s gather the kids around the tree as we sing about deforestation (pear trees), what I am pretty sure in animal abuse; giving partridges, turtle dove, colly birds, French hens, geese a-laying (which I am pretty sure means they are pregnant. Pregnant geese, this year’s perfect Xmas gift), swans that were formerly swimming. But let’s continue with stereotypes of “ladies dancing,” “lords a-leaping” and whatever twisted imagery you conjure up for “maids a-milking.” This song is rubbish, and I will say as much to the manager on duty the next time I hear it at Target.

Wanna keep going?

Have a Holly Jolly Xmas. Offensive lyrics;

Kiss her one for me

Not cool in light of all this Harvey Weinstein business, bro.

Domenick the Donkey. Offensive lyrics:

Oh fer chrissakes, take your pick

Stereotype much?

White Christmas. Offensive lyrics;

I’m dreaming of a white Christmas

Supposedly, this is the official Xmas carol of the White House

Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas. Offensive lyrics;

Make the yuletide gay

I'm not even gonna caption this meme, you guys should get this one.

Again, I’m fairly sure “gay” had a different connotation when this song was first written. Still, it could be taken as a slur, so we’re best just ditching the entire song. You guys happy now? This also means we gotta scrub the Flintstones theme song, now, too. Hey, I don’t like it either, but rules is rules, and I didn’t start this mess.

Santa Claus Is Coming to Town. Offensive lyrics;

He sees you when you’re sleeping

He knows when you’re awake

He knows if you’ve been bad or good, so be good for goodness sake

"If you have no problem with this song, give it a thumbs up."

Hey kids, let's sing a song about a creepy old dude who watches you when you sleep! Why are we celebrating a guy that allegedly watched kids when they’re sleeping and “knows” if they’ve been bad or good. I didn’t even bring up this supposed list that keeps track of the naughty and nice. But, fuck it, let’s put this guy on Coke bottles and CBS specials.

Ok, so let me ask the breeders and Earth haters out there a question. If there was some strange dude sitting in the mall, would you send your precious little snowflake to go sit in his lap and confess their deepest desires? No, of course not. So why do you do it when there’s a stranger dressed like Santa in the mall?

Santa Baby. Offensive lyrics;

Hurry down my chimney tonight

Come and trim my Xmas tree

Everyone knows chimney is slang for vagina. Also, we all know what "trim my Xmas tree" really means. We're all adults here, some with nicely trimmed chimneys.

^^That is seriously the best line I have written all year.^^^

It appears the girl in question in the song desires Santa to be her sugar daddy; she also wants a convertible, yacht, diamond ring, duplex and checks. Now, I ain't sayin' but there's a word for women like this. 

Look, I am sure there are more offensive Xmas songs. The fact of the matter there are just so many I can subject myself to in the name of science. But I think I’ve more than proven my case. I don’t think we need to hear anymore Xmas songs. Ever. It’s apparently what we want.