Birthday cards are a waste. I am sure Hallmark doesn’t want you to know that, but it’s true. I hate buying birthday cards. I mean, what’s the point? If you are giving a card instead of/with no present, why even bother? Unless there’s money in it, don’t waste our time. And if you are giving a card along with a present, again, I ask you, what’s the point? No one’s gonna pay attention to the card; they just wanna get to the present.
Maybe this is (yet another) example of how my view/feelings seems to differ from just about any other ration person in the world. Just so you know where I am coming from, there are three appropriate actions you can take when you discover it’s my birthday (which is March 22nd, BTW).
1) Shake my hand or pat me on the back and say “Happy Birthday”
2) Buy me a drink. Or 17.
3) Buy me a present.
You will note at no point of the above list does it say to buy me a card. If I never got another birthday card, it would never bother me.
I’ll tell ya a little something right now. If you do buy me a card, I will open it up, say how nice/funny, then promptly throw it right the hell in the trash. That’s right, I am not even gonna recycle it, just to spite you and your old fashioned thinking. Why do you hate Mother Earth so?
OK, so maybe every other motard out there doesn’t see it my way. Fine. I still hate shopping for birthday cards, or any cards for that matter. I always seek out to buy funny cards. Birthdays, wedding, anniversaries, graduations, funerals. Do you know how hard it is to find a “gee, I am sorry your favorite uncle died” card that is funny. We recently went to a wedding, and it was my job to buy the card. I bought the first humorous card I saw because it was the only one they had.
Let’s face it. Buying cards is a total chick thing to do. Guys don’t feel comfortable buying cards for anyone; wives, girlfriends, fathers, co-workers etc. Guys hate buying cards for other guys. There’s really no masculine way to do it. I swear, while I was out buying cards today (hence the idea for this post) I saw a “I really like your hair” card that chicks can buy for other chicks. WTF?
And since I hate buying cards, I put it off till the last minute (yea, another totally guy things guy do). That usually means I am doomed to go to the CVS up the street. I fucking hate CVS (Post for another day). It takes me seemingly forever to find at least a mildly humorous card, then I get behind some windowlicker that has coupons and returns, and the line just grows. Much like my frustration, I am there to buy one measly, unfunny card, and now I have to wait even longer to get the hell out of there?
Birthday cards are nice “notions”. Every year, one of my mom’s friends-who I haven’t really seen in like 20 years-sends me a birthday card to my parents’ house. That’s very sweet and all, but my life is not affected either way. It’s not like if she forgets, I will suddenly hate her. Further proof that bday cards are a waste; what do you do with yours? Right, you throw them right the hell out. (Unless of course they are from your significant other. That goes without saying, doofus.)
Maybe this all has something to do with me being unable to remember people’s bdays. Gun to my head, I could make a pretty close guess to my mom’s, and a general guess as to my dad’s. I definitely know my brother’s, and middle sister (she’s a New Year baby). I have 2 other sisters, one which I could accurately guess (it’s a few days from my mom’s and I always get them confused) and the other one I can guess the month. Yea, I know, that makes me a shitty person and all, but that’s just the way it is. And you are no better than me. Quick, when is my birthday? Yea, I thought so….
The selection of cards out there is weak, to say the least. It’s like Hallmark & Shoebox cornered the market and stopped trying. I am sure there is some cool internet place to get truly funny, edgy cards. But again, I refer you to the above paragraph about guys waiting for the last minute. I am more than happy with e-cards. You can personalize them to a degree, and it’s easier on the environment. I am sure some Internet genius is already working on porno e-cards. “Hi, my name is Destinee, and you can come into my Inbox anytime.”
So now we’re off to another birthday party, with another lame bday card in tow. The poor card will have a life of about 15 seconds from being opened to going into the trash. Really, I would much rather give the three bucks right to the person. Buying cards is the equivalent of throwing a few singles right in the trash. And I know of one place where I can use my singles far better….
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