On the whole, sure, the Internet has given us many great things. But like most good things, there is a dark side as well. With the rise of the internet has also come with things such as identity theft, cyber stalking, Carpal Tunnel, eye strain and wasting huge amounts of company time. I have recently found a new downfall.
It allows me to become a doctor.
Over the years, I have generally been lucky when it comes to getting hurt. Which isn’t to say that I haven’t gotten hurt, I surely have. It’s like my mom says; generally I am too dumb to get hurt. The times I have been hurt have suspiciously almost always been on my left side. Broke my ankle and wrist. I was taking a boxing class and pretty sure I cracked a rib. Gallantly, I returned the next week, where my biggest struggle was to not squeal like a girl every time I got hit on my left side. I tore the ACL in my left knee. I think over 38 years, that list doesn’t seem so bad. Except for that ACL business.
Aches and pains-what I like to call dings-are inevitable as you get older, especially if you are active. For example, I play street hockey on Mondays, and it’s not unusual to be sore for most of Tuesday. It’s nothing a handful of Advil and a swig of Jack can’t handle. OK, that’s a lie, I don’t take Advil. I try to hit the gym 4-5 times a week, and again it’s not odd to pick up the occasional ding. Apparently, you can add extra weight on the bars, who knew?
Another example, one morning I woke up with a sore neck. I wish it could have attributed it to something more manly like saving an orphan from a fire my using my neck muscles or something like that. It was really because I fell asleep on the floor with Bauer the night before. See, I told you I lead an active life.
Lately, I have had a ding in my right arm. It feels like it is at the bottom of my triceps. I believe the proper medical term in an “owie” on my arm. I’ve had it for a few weeks. While there has been no real pain, I can’t lift as much weight in the gym. When you can’t even lift the normal amount in the gym, it’s always a source of frustration. If I get much weaker, I’ll be forced to use the 5 pound pink dumbbells. Today I was on this wondrous thing called the Internet. In between sessions of Facebook and LinkedIn, I decided to put the ol’ stethoscope on and see just what the dealio is. Switch the shingle on the front of my house to say ‘doctor is in.’
You would think such things would be easy to research on WebMD. Alas, apparently not. Maybe I shouldn’t use the term “ouchie” in my search. I finally find the info I am searching for. Speaking as Dr. Kevie, I can now resoundly say it doesn’t appear I tore anything. The pain I’ve been feeling doesn’t correlate with a torn muscle. Thusly, I can now declare myself to be “healed” and go to the gym tomorrow confident that I can hoist massive weights over my chest with no fear of pain or failure. That’s the power of the Net my friends.
I can hear the worrywarts out there saying, “Well, don’t you still have pain?” To which I reply, “Step back, dipshit, didn’t you just read the Net says I’m fine?” OK, maybe that should be a cause for slight concern. Further searching didn’t yield any results. I don’t need the Net to tell me my job here is done.
Since I’ve officially become a writer this year –OK, so it’s for free, but it’s online, so again, the Net tells me I am a writer-I’ve become accustomed to doing reams of research. Because surely all the information on the Net must be true. So I look for a second opinion.
I Google terms that fit my malady. For as focused WebMD can be, Google is just various crap. After clicking the first 5 links (they must be the closest match because they are the top 5, right?) I again find nothing that matches what I’m feeling. Just to be sure, I Google pictures of “hot chicks”. Because I am right handed.
I am left with only one conclusion; I am being a big pansy. I believe the term is psychosomatic. Yes, I learned that term from previous WebMD searches. I am secure in the knowledge that I can go big in the gym tomorrow (or maybe Saturday…or Sunday) with no fear of making my situation any worse. The Net is awesome.
Tomorrow I will search rampant ignorance, gross indifference, disillusionment, severe internal injuries and alcoholism.
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