The Halloween That Hallowasn't

There is no guarantee in life, they say. You can plan, hope, dream and scheme, but sometimes, it is just not in the cards for you. I suppose my unemployed ass could somehow come up with the next brilliant idea to prevent such a fiasco, but I just can’t figure a way. Somehow arrange some sort of rebate, a do-over or mulligan of some sort. But I just don’t know how I could do it.

It rained on Halloween.

I mean, it’s bound to happen sometimes. And for the life of me, I cannot remember the last time Halloween got rained out. Shouldn’t the township have some sort of back-up plan? Every year when they send out their calendars, there should be some sort of notice if Hween gets rained out. I really don’t need a township calendar to tell me when the next school budget meeting is, or that the storm water committee meets every third Wednesday. There should be a clear and concise backup plan in case Hween gets rained out.

Which reminds me of a story from my childhood, about a neighbor kid named Dave. I swear this is a true story. It was the day after Hween, early evening while the sun was still out. There was a knock from our front door. We opened it up to see a costumed little cowboy. “Trick or treat,” Dave said. “But Hween was yesterday,” my mom said. “I know,” Dave piped up, “but today is the day after Hween!” Of course, we still had the candy bowl nearby. I watched as my mom was in some sort of trance, and gave him some candy. Then he left, off to another house. Damn, what ingenuity from a little kid. I am sure he made out that day. I still remember, because he had on the freakiest cowboy mask I have ever seen. It still haunts me in my dreams. And then some blue Russian unicorn reciting Tolstoy comes by to save me.

The signs were there. The weekend before was going to be my town’s Hween celebration. They do it up right. They close down the main road for a few hours, and most of the merchants give out treats. Tons of kids come out, and parents come in costume as well. We take Bau and have a grand old time. For the last two years, it has rained furiously on this day.

The week leading up to Hween was fun. I never watch AMC or TCM except for this week. Both show cool old B&W horror movies. I listened to the Halloween channel on Sirius all week. There were all kinds of spooky sounds coming out of my office; screaming, yelling, howling, chains rattling, crying, etc. And then I turned the radio on. (Rimshot, thank you very much.)

Maybe I should have known when last Hween fell on a Friday. We should have had a ton more kids for me to scare the bejesus out of. But no, the GD Phils have to have their victory parade that night. Baseball again conspired against me, as this year there was a home Phils game on at 8. Why does baseball hate Hween so? Plus, there damn near was a full moon, too. Should have known.

This year, Mischief Night fell on a Friday. The neighborhood tradition is for a small group of kids to TP the houses of people they know. It’s all in good fun, and no one gets pissed. The kids usually don’t start till 8, so I was downstairs, looking for a mask I could throw on so I could scare the kids. Last year, I put on a wolf mask, and ran out screaming from the back yard. That scared the hell out of them, and got an inordinate amount of jollies off for me. There was a knock on the door. I open the door up to see the kids had already “gotten” us. Damn it. I see the lone tree in our front yard awash in Charmin. It took 4 kids and just one roll to be Ninja quiet and get the tree. They looked so proud, “Yea, we did all this with only one roll!” They did so good, how could I not encourage their malfeasance? I got them 3 more rolls and told them to go to town. Soon, our bushes were covered, and I encouraged them to hit the house across the street. Ah yes, Hween is just a night away.

I woke up Saturday morning with visions of Sugar Daddies dancing in my head, and what to my wandering eyes should appear, but an overcast sky; the day, it was not clear. My otherwise blackened and dead heart sunk. Yes, I had known the forecast wasn’t good, but surely the weather gods would not take away my Hween, right? Man this is suckage with a capital SUCK. I didn’t set the yard up for my usual night of scares. If it’s drizzling now, with almost 100% chance of rain come darkness, I have to make a decision. This is a night I look forward to every year, much like motards look forward to Xmas morning. This is my Xmas, my 4th of July. Hell, it’e even my Arbor Day and President’s Day. If I was going to do it, I need to start setting up now.

After much inner turmoil and debate, somehow the rational side won out. I know, I know, it’s so rare for that to happen. In the end, I decided it was too much of a risk to spend hours setting up. A lot of my props are cheap and made of paper. The electrical props I have were wired in some 4th world country, so there’s no point in risking a fire. Crestfallen, I give up the ghost. Which seems apropos this time of year.

But all is not lost, as we head to another nearby town for their Hween celebration. They have a cool little dog place that we always take Bauer to. They do a first Friday type thing there, and always do a different scene for you to get your pic taken with your dog. (Yes, this is where all the profile pics come from). It was a cool scene, and kinda made up for the previous week’s rainout. I did get in a Hween mood (finally) and got the general feeling that Hween wouldn’t suck this year.

Finally, dusk came. I plugged in what Hween lights I already had up. And just about right on cue, it started drizzling. The kids, well, they came, much like the rain. I saw some really good costumes, but no really killer ideas. I did see a kid come as Jigsaw, which was cool. Always gotta wonder about parents who let their kids dress up like butchering bad guys from movies they are technically too young to have seen. Shit, you should have seen the kid that came as Dirk Diggler…

Kids could come to our house and get free candy with no worry of being scared. I reckon the feeling I had to the same one Superman had when he gave up his super powers. I don’t like to ‘blend’ in on Hween; I want to have the whole production happening. We would watch packs of kids come down the street, hit our neighbor right across from us, then totally blow us off! WTF! Just because I’m not doing the whole production this year? You spoiled little bastards. We literally watched kids go to our neighbors, look at our house and just keep walking. I am the only one I know who can feel cheap, used and tawdry on Hween, and not in just the sexual way I am already accustomed to. I even went over to my neighbor’s house to see if she was giving away quarters, or at the very least better candy than us. She wasn’t, same crap we’re giving out. So apparently now my candy is only good when I do the whole presentation, THEN my house is only good enough for you little snots to get free candy from?

Man, how can I love Hween so much and get so worked up?

I was a good boy, and held off from eating any of the candy, lest we run out. The same can’t be said for coconut rum and coke, but, hey, we all got our flaws. Around 8 o’clock-still prime trick or treating time-lights started to get turned off. Huh? O right, damn Phillies game. My neighbor asked me if we were going to watch the game. “No way,” I said “Night of the Living Dead is on all night.” “What? You’re going to watch Night of the Living Dead instead of the Phillies game?” Sheesh, it’s not my fault you don’t get how great of a movie it is, and perfect for Hween night viewing. If you’ve never seen it, you’re really missing out, pansy.

Odds are now, we won’t have another Hween rainout for many years. And hopefully, all those unappreciative little snots will forget about my Hween production; all the places I hide. O, they will pay. They will pay.