Control Issues

It was time for a change. We had gone on too long this way. It’s kind of a shame. We had been together for so long; we had grown so comfortable together after all this time. Together, we had witnessed some of the best and worst things in life. However, change was in the air. Parting is never easy, especially during the holidays. Over the years, I had known just what buttons to push, and now it was no longer working. I hate to put myself in the callous joke of “trading in for a younger model”, but that is in fact what I did. It still pains me to think of it though….

I got a new remote control for the TV. What were you thinking I was talking about?

The time had come. After countless hours in front of the boob tube searching for the thinnest excuses for entertainment, the ol’ remote was breaking down. Much like my romantic life, my ability to turn the TV on was less and less consistent. The channel up key had stopped working all together. So no more scrolling up to scan channels, I could only scan down. And that’s just the TV remote. I have another one that works the sound system/DVD player. That one doesn’t turn the damn thing off anymore. Somewhere along the line, the battery cover has gotten lost. The one spring that holds the battery in is all beat to hell and only serves to randomly shoot the battery out of the back. I am surprised it still works, and hasn’t caught fire yet. It’s a hassle to work the TV with one remote, and the audio/DVD with another. Sure, the TV remote claimed to have the capability to control the sound system, but that is a lie. A dirty lie.

After a fair amount of research, I finally came across the fabled remote that should control everything. For Hallowmas, I splurged and bought this magical instrument that would only add to my laziness. Aw, the lazy days of controlling my TV, DVD and audio with the flick of a button on one remote. Surely, these will be the days I tell to somebody else’s grandkids.

While I could regale you with the more than 2 freaking hours it took me to program the damn thing, that is not the point of this Klog. Suffice it to say, it wasn’t quite as easy as I thought, though not impossible. Deep down, every guy wants to think he is a whiz when it comes to remote controls; like it’s in our chromosomes. That’s why we always must hold the remote, because we have the penis. We know how to use it better and more efficiently than womenfolk. (I am referring to both the remote and the penis.)

I won’t tell you how the damn thing still won’t turn on my sound/DVD player. After going through all three recommended practices, and the bugger still won’t turn on. The new remote is so advanced, that you can aim the old remote into it, press the function, and the new remote will pick up the signal and make it happen with the new one now. Surely, this is why universities exist. Now get to work on X-ray specs and jetpacks.

The new remote has a pretty cool feature; the ability to program four channels as favorites. So instead of wasting precious milliseconds on pressing 2 buttons, I hit one of these four keys and –BAM-my favorite channel comes up. Wow, science is cool. Now this left me with a dilemma; just what are my favorite 4 channels? How can I narrow channels down to just 4? I did not expect such a dilemma to arise over the holidays.

I have a lot of channels that I would consider ‘good’, it’s just that I don’t watch them all the time. Now this is getting like Facebook; do I like/watch Spike enough to make it one of my favorites? Will ESPN get all pissy? I at least catch a break, since I have like 4 religious channels and 3 that are in Spanish. Ningunos canales religiosos del bullshit para mí

The first thing I do is make USA the ‘A’ favorite. So you’re thinking I must watch a lot of USA, which would be wrong. In fact, I don’t think I watch it much at all. However, USA is also known as NCIS Central. Every time I do turn on USA, it’s freaking NCIS. 2 in the afternoon, 4 in the morning. They should just change their name to UNCISA. NCIS happens to be my wife’s favorite TV show, and when ever I turn on any damn TV in the house, it’s always on USA. Hey man, I know which side my bread is buttered on.

That leaves me with 3 open slots. I pick Discovery because I to tend to watch that a lot. I also pick TLC. I think that in the unlikely event a snooty friend decides to root through my remote, I would at least appear semi-intelligent. (This is the exact reason I don’t have any Britney Spears in my iPod.) Now I’m down to one. I secretly wonder if all the other channels knew of this, and would send me presents to sway my favor.

Do I watch Comedy Central enough? What about MTV and VH1? ESPN 2? Tru TV? Man o man, talk about Sophie’s Choice. No really talk about it, because I never saw the movie.

For the sake of closure-and I know you all must be deathly curious-I decide on Animal Planet. It seems the logical choice. And I’m sure the dog appreciates me keeping his tastes in mind.

That will be the hardest thing to do with programming the new remote. Sure, the sound still doesn’t turn on and off. Don’t even ask me about the damn DVR player. And for some reason, the garage door opens every time I hit the mute button, but I am sure that is just a temporary thing. I feel like I have conquered my kingdom a little more. I am in a bit more control than I was yesterday.