July 5, 2011 Oregon
Nike has named Michael Vick as an official spokesman. In a press release prepared from Generic Press Releases Inc, their statement acknowledges Vick's previous prison sentence for dog fighting and gambling. “Michael acknowledges his past mistakes,” Nike spokesman Derek Kent said in this press conference with a straight face “We do not condone those actions, but we support the positive changes he has made to better himself off the field.” Yes, this is the very same Vick that the very same Nike dumped in 2007. When Kent was asked in the press conference what changed since Nike's 2007 statement calling Vick's cruelty to animals as “inhumane, abhorrent and unacceptable.” Kent covered his ears and repeatedly said, “La la la la I can't hear you!”
When asked why Nike decided to resign Vick, Kent explained. “At first we weren't sold on the idea at all. But then, the fans of Philadelphia changed our minds. We all know Philly is a horrible sports town. They throw snowballs at Santa Claus and puke on their young. Yet, they seemed to take to Vick. And we realized if he could sway the drunken illiterates in Philadelphia, he might have really changed his life around.”
To his point, we went to a local Philadelphia sports bar to gauge fan's opinions on their star QB. “Aw, let me tell you something about Mike Vick,” South Philadelphia resident and local roofer Joe Samboli tells us as he wakes from the bar, warm PBR slowly dripping down his bushy, graying mustache. “As long as that little spaz can throw a football, he can electrocute my mother. I don't care about any of that garbage. If he wins us a championship, I will personally give him my blind father's seeing eye dog and tell him he can do whatever he wants.”
Later on that morning, we meet 12 year old Reggie Claymore as he is running in the playground wearing a green 7 Vick jersey. “No. No one ever gives me a problem,” he tells us when asked about wearing the Vick jersey. “All the cool kids and internet tough guys in my neighborhood wear it because we're bad that way. It's the way we show we're rebels and street. So, yea, we're all bad and fans of Mike.” When asked what team Vick used to play for, Reggie says he does not know. He also doesn't know who Ron Mexico is. “Ever
yone's given him a bad rap, and he didn't do anything wrong, just like most of the kids here. We're all renegades. All the old people hate us and we haven't done nothing wrong.” After leaving his interview, Reggie trips on a curb, falls and cries all the way home to mommy.
At the press conference, Kent went on to detail that this is just a small move in rebranding Nike. “We have a entirely new set of spokesmen for Nike for a new era. We are proud to announce Ben Roethlisberger has just signed on with us.” A journalist from the Gazette immediately asks why sign Ben. “Well, we at Nike realized that we weren't hitting a pretty big key demographic.” Kent goes on to explain that 'key demographic is “young, backward cap wearing males who ride motorcycles poorly and are accused of rape. “You will note,” Kent tells us with just a hint of that douchery Nike is longing for, “Ben was suspended a whole 6 games and during that time did an immense amount of soul searching. We feel he is a unique figure in the sporting world. I mean, let's face it, he was accused of rape and women still wear his jersey. You can't buy stuff like that.” Another reporter, this time from the Pittsburgh Gazette asks, “Well, if you were looking for douche, why not just sign Jeff Reed?” Kent does a spit take from a Nike water bottle and replies, “Please.”
“We are also branching out to our Canadian fans,” Kent continues. We are extremely happy to announce the signing of 'The Canadian Crippler' and former World Heavyweight Champion Chris Benoit.” An uncharacteristic hush falls over the normally unflappable group of reporters. Benoit has been in seclusion since killing his wife and child in June of 2007. 
Reached by phone, Chris commented, “Yea, I was real surprised Nike reached out to me. I heard they were going in a new direction, and I was really happy they thought I could lend a hand. I feel honored to be included with such gentlemen as Vick and Roethlisberger. Still, I am surprised they pursued me. Hey, at least I looked out for my dogs when I was killing my wife and son.”
“Chris will be instrumental in opening up the Canadian market even more for us,” Kent continues. “For years we have only focused on the American consumer. That was our strength, plus most Americans don't mind that their athletic wear comes from overseas sweatshops. In fact, a recent study we commissioned showed that over 87% of our premium priced athletic wear is worn by fat asses who list 'sitting on the couch eating Funyuns' as their main form of exercise. Chris is anxious to turn his fellow Canadians onto Nike.” Benoit continues, “Yes, I look forward to educating my Canadian friends on the many advantages of Nike's premium sportswear. And I would like to thank Nike for selecting me. The fact that I killed myself 4 years ago hasn't stopped them at all. Nike is the true Rabid Wolverine.”
Gord Thirout from TSN asks a question. “Why Chris Benoit? Wouldn't a hockey player make more sense?” Kent replies, “What the hell is a hockey?” Thirout explains hockey to Kent. “O, right, right, right,” Kent realizes,”yes, sure I am familiar. Well, we tend to stay away from hockey, minus the occasional Nike/Bauer stick or equipment. Plus, Reebok's got them all sewn up. And Crosby's a pussy! Can I get an amen to that?” as Kent raises his arm for an air high five. No one air high fives him back. Kent has a sad.
Kent takes a swig of what must be either water or crazy juice from a -surprise-Nike water bottle. “I can tell by the look on your faces that you have questions about this water bottle. Well let me tell you, this baby here is our stainless water bottle that comes in 4 colors and costs just $20.” Nancy Steiner, a much admired journalist from Atlanta asks, “Why does a water bottle need to cost $20? What makes it so special?” Kent shows an uncharacteristic flash of uncomfortableness. “Well,” he stalls, “it's got the swishie thing on in. See? That's value right there. Plus, for your convenience, it's got a screw top...” “I can buy that exact thing without the (and she makes the air quotes) “swishie” at the Qwik Stop for $1.73.” This uncharacteristic behavior from Steiner and shows just why she is admired so damn much in this business. Kent stammers for a second before saying, “Excellent point, Nancy, and I can tell you this is already a favorite of Mr. Vick. He's had some water bottle issues in the past, but no bonehead from TSA will question him when he sees this fine piece of premium athletic equipment.”
As Kent pauses to take another swallow from a premium piece of athletic equipment, another reporter seizes the opportunity to ask the following, “With this new direction Nike is taking, one wonders if Ray Lewis was approached. He seems like an ideal fit.” Kent is thrown in an instant rage. “Let me tell you about Ray Lewis. Ray Lewis is not a man, Ray Lewis is not only an embarrassment to the sport, but athletes everywhere. Ray Lewis is what is wrong with sports today. Ray Lewis is a snitch, and Nike don't play that. He also happens to be endorsed by a lesser apparel company that sells cheap pieces of spandex. We sell premium athletic equipment.”
But we are not here to talk about characters like that. We are here to talk about the bold new direction of Nike. And while we have already announced Mr. Vick, Benoit and Roethlisberger as spokesman, we are not finished. Now, I probably shouldn't be telling you this,” Kent says as he leans into the microphone to whisper, “we are this close to landing a certain recently retired QB. At least we think he's retired, you kind of never really know with this guy. But he has an appeal. He appeals to older guys and younger women who are adept at social media.”
This new direction for Nike is troubling for some. Take, for example, Jose Canseco. In a phone interview, Canseco said, “I think this is a bunch of
“Look, this is more than about selling premium pieces of sportswear. This is about redemption. Michael Vick possesses many abilities and qualities that we hold in high esteem here at Nike, “ Kent tells the assembled media throng. “I mean, here is a guy who is immensely talented. Against all odds, he becomes a top quarterback in the NFL. He earns millions from football, and even more via endorsements. Hell, he earned more just sitting on his butt in the off season than most ham and eggers earn in a lifetime. And while he is earning millions, and yes some of those millions were coming from Nike, he got into a bad business deal. He jeopardized his multi-millions subsidizing a side project that generated a few thousand. OK, so maybe Mr. Vick is a bit bad with math. I certainly don't think that makes him stupid or ungrateful. What American can't see this as an honest mistake? Mr. Vick's dreams came crashing down, much like a third world youth working in some foreign and unsafe sweatshop making sub par goods wholly marketed on a label and a simple logo. Americans are incredibly forgiving of even the most stupid of actions. The folks of Washington, DC even elected their crackhead mayor back in office! For some strange reason even most of us here at Nike don't quite understand, the public embraces this buffoonery. Who are we to not help further this story along? “
Now Mr. Vick is a hero. He attends youth training camps. He recently won an award from esteemed BET network. Now, let me ask you; would BET award violent behavior? No, they wouldn't. That would be foolish. We may market to fools, but we are certainly not fools ourselves. Michael Vick is back, and he has a job to do. I mean, for cripes sake, the freaking President called him to commend him on his remarkable turnaround. The president! How do like them apples? “And just what is Mr. Vick's job?” Thirout interrupts. After another swig from the bottle, Kent answers, “He throws a ball.” At this point, Kent's phone rings. He looks at the ID. “My, I am so sorry for this. This is unprofessional, and I apologize. We are nothing if not a compassionate and polite company. But please forgive me, this is an urgent call and I must take it. Please excuse me.”
At this point, Nike spokeswoman Megan Saalfeld rises from the background. “Please excuse me,” she says as she appears to be wiping avocado from her mouth, “I just grabbed a quick lunch at Subway. Have you guys eaten there lately? I would murder my own mother for one of their foot longs!” 
Audible face palms are heard from the reporter pool. She goes on to say, "We do not condone those actions, but we support the positive changes he has made to better himself off the field." Reporter Yanni Bobaganoush from USA Today immediately raises his hand and says, “Ms. Saalfeld, that's exactly what Derek told us at the beginning.” As Saalfeld fumfers for a reply, Kent storms back to the mic. “Ladies and gentlemen, you are all extremely lucky to be here today. Hot off the presses, Nike, the world's preeminent maker of premium sporting goods proudly announces our newest spokesman-Casey Anthony!” Stunned silence covers the reporter pool. Reporters look at each other wide eyed with a surging sense of disbelief mixed with horrible decision making skills. We need a second to compose ourselves at this bombshell announcement.
Bobaganoush is the first to compose himself and weakly asks Kent, “Um...uh...do you have any comment....on...ah...this new signing of Casey Anthony?” Without missing a beat, Kent confidently replies, "We do not condone those actions, but we support the positive changes she has made to better herself off the field." Bobaganoush says, “You've already said that exact comment about Vick.” “Yea, well, we're a little behind in paying Generic Press Releases. You have to pay those guys a lot for the work they do. Anywhoo, Casey has signed on to help promote out new NikeKids line. She will be taping her first commercial for us when she gets back from her 2 week bender. And with that, our line up is complete.”
Another moment of awkward silence ensues. Kent seems to relent. “Look, I know you guys are smart,” he tells the reporter pool, because flattery is always a solid way to get your point over. “I sense some trepidation here. Why are you guys not excited about all this news? Is it Vick? It's Vick isn't it? I know it's Vick, I can tell it in your eyes.” Suddenly, this press conference is veering off into creepy territory. “Do you think Nike will get nothing but glowing press about this? I mean, he's paid his dues, he's kept his nose clean. He's returned to All Pro form on the ol' gridiron. Has he not redeemed himself?”
All valid points. But here is the issue that irks a lot of people, not just dog owners. He committed a horrible crime, and yes he served his time. Which could have been much longer if he wasn't a gifted athlete. However, I believe most people are upset that he was welcomed back and accepted by most in the mindless mainstream who prefer their athletes don't suffer consequences for their own inconsiderate actions. Odds are if that was you or me who ran Bad Newz Kennels, our ass would be getting violated daily for years upon years in jail. Doesn't matter what our job is, as long as we aren't a gifted athlete. I think it's unfair Vick can go right back to making millions playing a game. I think if it was just about any other profession, an animal abuser/killer would be shunned and never get their original job back. I think it's unfair that most people never even bring it up. Hell, in an interview, the Vickness even said he wouldn't change a thing. Huh? Not even a passing mention like, “Well, shucks, I would take back all that dog killing business. That was a pretty boneheaded move on my part.”
I don't see where Nike feels any need whatsoever to sign Vick. There are plenty of other athletes out there with compelling stories. And a brief Google search of Nike reveals their legendary sweatshops like here, here, here, here, and hell, I am running out of here's. I am happy Subway is catching such heat. They had options, they could have dropped their sponsorship of the award or demand he be removed from the list. Even after Vick received his “award” Subway had a chance to do the right thing, but elected not to.
Now, after doing this research, I think Nike and Vick are a perfect fit. Both huge entities of douche and shallowness. Both have criminal pasts. Let's ignore that past and keep shilling “premium sporting goods” at vastly inflated prices, OK? Wearing Nike or UnderArmour or Reebok or whatever will not improve your poor performance in rec sports. Think wearing a $45 dollar shirt that 'wicks away moisture and emits pheromones that make you sexually attractive to member of the opposite sex' makes you run faster? No. Spoiler: it's what's beneath the shirt, shorts, etc that makes all the difference. Please don't be so taken by a damn label sewn on by tiny Honduran hands.
I will not support Subway. I haven't supported Nike since they immediately started sending swag to Vick upon his release like a spurned lover. This is an issue that should not go away. Ditto for Roethlisberger. He must be thanking his lucky stars this whole Vick thing happened when it did. But then again, what do I know? I can't throw a ball and am cursed with common sense and common decency.
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