Christmas Rant 2011

I have a house, it has 4 walls, a slightly leaky crawl space and a roof. Everything I need and want is here: my girl, my dog and my TV. (Although the order of favorites varies.)

And every Xmas I get all riled up. There's too much hassle, too much hustle-bustle. Lost is the original message. I mean, even take all the religious connotations out of it. It can all be for the birth of R2-D2 for all I care. Hell, I forget what the original message of the season is, but I am pretty sure it is not what commercials and circulars from chain stores tell me. I am pretty sure it is not spend, spend, spend. And while that is spurring the economy, putting it on your already maxed out cards ain't helping anybody but the freaking 1%.

Sure, Xmas is fun when you're a kid; believing and all that stuff. But on top of that, the presents! All kinds of cool toys for young minds. But as you grow older, there is less and less 'fun stuff' to expect. I still cling to the idea of cool presents are presents that you need batteries for, or plug in, or light up, or cut people, etc. Unfortunately, this society mostly frowns on adults getting Nerf guns. Alas, it comes time to expect 'grown up' items.

For years I fought that urge that 'older' people get. You know, the urge where they are actually stoked to get clothes, socks and underwear. I fought this for years until I finally realized any new clothes extends wash day, and I am totally down with that. And just about everybody else has a better sense of fashion than myself. Most of my wardrobe-if you can call it that-is black. So the idea of me picking out a non-black item of clothing is rather scary.

Newsflash; after that, it's all pretty trivial. Sure I'd love to get seasons 6-20 of The Simpsons. But the fact of the matter is that I look across the room, and see seasons 3-5 still in their wrappers. What I would really love is the fucking time to watch all these DVDs, read these books, listen to these CDs. Next to my bed are a mound of books (some even without pictures!) why in the blue hell would I need another one? Does anyone even really buy DVD/Blu Rays anymore? That's out of control. Unless you really, really love a movie, is there even a point to buying a DVD of it? Show me the motards that bought Are We There Yet or any Adam Sandler DVD, and I will show you some yahoo with no taste, and the money to prove it.

We already have enough. I drag my feet every year on making a list. Really, I have more than I know what to do with. Presents I've asked for, presents I didn't ask for. I am an idiot. .

Anymore, Xmas lists are just an exercise in excess. Maybe put down one or two things you just haven't bought for yourself. Always wuss out, and just ask for stuff with your favorite sports team/TV show/movie/musician emblazoned on it somewhere. Stuff that's nice to have, but definitely not a necessity. It's a struggle for me to make a list. And you know what? That's a pretty damn good gift in it's own right.

Enough already. Do you not have more shit than you know what to do with? Christmas has gotten fucking out of hand! It's grown to be all about consumption; sometimes even in a conspicuous manner.

Look, I will be the first to say I am the biggest, heartless bastard on the planet. I am largely unmoved by most human tragedy. I can't tell you the last time I cried. (OK, it was reading Marley and Me.) But this is getting out of control. Any stretch of TV watching will see you deluged by lavish Xmas commercials. The ones that kill me are the car ones. Are we still not steeped in a recession? Yet, every car manufacturer has commercials where people are getting cars for Xmas. Really? Really? I mean, it's a nice, grandiose thought and all, but the economy is still in the shitter. The last thing we need is to promote reckless spending. And where the fuck do these people get the big red bows?

The biggest hassle of the holidays is buying stuff for everyone else. And if that is not enough, we have to show some thought about the gift, too. Like make that next logical leap from what the item on list is to fantabulous object that they will love didn't even know existed. I've already admitted to being a blackhearted bastard, so this gift card to the liquor store will have to do. (If the cashier tells you there is no balance on it, tell her she is mistaken.) Generally, those of us with black hearts are not very thoughtful. But we do love rock n roll.

So, enough. Enough Snuggies, LeapPads and shit from Brookstones. What kills me is that now I'm expected to buy presents for the children of acquaintances. Really? Really? So let me get this straight, since you have crotch fruit, it's now on me to buy them another for their avalanche of presents? It's out of control. Now, if you'll allow me to get in my rocking chair and tell you what it was like when I was a kid; before remote control TVs. The only ones who got me gifts were my parents. (OK, my grandparents kicked in a few bucks and cookies, too.) When my parent's friends came over, they didn't bring me presents, nor were they expected to. I would happily be busy playing with my new gifts. Or setting stuff on fire, but that's a different story. Nowadays, kids get presents from parents, grand parents, aunts, uncles, cousins, neighbors, and friends of any of the above. Huh? Why is it on me to buy a gift for a snotnose who doesn't even know my name? And that's my test. If I am around the kid to the point it (yes, I know I said 'it') knows my name, then a gift isn't that out of the question. However, if said lil' goober doesn't know my name, they can go pound sand if they think they're getting a gift from me. You can't go over any house where they have kids and not see a small toy store morphing out from the tree. Really? Really? What are we teaching these kids when we do this? We're teaching them consumption. When they go from house to house like some demented Holiday Halloween, the parents gotta rent a Uhual for all their presents. We're giving them more gifts than what they know what to do with (and, face it, in some cases, deserve). No way Junior plays with all those gifts, most fall through the cracks.

So let's end the madness here; let's do something. Here's a novel idea. Let's stop buying shit for people who don't know what to do with everything they have; I.e everybody. Take that cash you would have spent, and put it somewhere where it will do the most good. My pocket. Wait, did I just say that? I meant, give it to charity. We can call our new holiday Charitymas. You can be of any race, religion, sex, nationality to participate in Charitymas. Ha, take that, world peace! We can make this holiday ours, not taken over by massive corporations. Somebody tell those Occupy kids about Charitymas, and I am sure that'll clear things up.

Let's take this back. Let's make it something meaningful again. Screw all this bullshit Black Friday madness. If I want to be peppersprayed, I'll go above Occupy protest. Instead, spend the night with your family-if they can stand you-in a nice, warm, safe house. Some folks would be happy just to have that. At your leisure, go out and buy a few gifts for a family that is going through a rough time. Trust me, that shitty five dollar toy train means a lot more more to a kid who didn't get the breaks like your doofus nephew. Don't forget you can also just give money straight to a charity. Hell, it's been a banner year for me giving to the Salvation Army. I am on pace to destroy last year's record of $4.37. Just today I kicked in a boss 89 cents and a few odd coat buttons. Viva karma!

And don't forget our furry friends this year. Shelters are too full of dogs who can make your home complete. And they will never tell you you drink too much. Or to put on pants. Cats you can leave at the shelter. (Damn blackheart acting out again.)

OK, I feel better. Merry Xmas, y'all.