Why You Should Boycott Black Friday

Ah, what better way to celebrate the holiday? Surrounded by family, in a nice, warm house. Great food on the table, perhaps some beverages. Laughter in the air, smiles on faces, maybe some football on the TV. We don't get together like this often enough. Who knows the next time we will? It may be the last time we see dear Aunt Phyllis, who endearingly calls everyone her “favorite nephew.” Ah, the house is full of love. What should we do next? I know!

"Twinkies! I must get a package of Twinkies!"

LET'S GO FUCKING SHOP FOR SHIT WE DON'T NEED!!!!

I hate Black Friday. And you should, too.

Those of you lucky enough to know me know I don't consider myself very “pro-family,” so you might be surprised I have this stance. And yes, a lot of my stance does revolve around family, but most of it comes from my ever steady arch-enemy; never ending, raging stupidity. And that, 7 dear readers is what you are if you participate in Black Friday. So please allow me the courtesy of explaining my argument.

How ironic that on the most family oriented of holidays, Black Friday is so anti-family. No, I am not talking about your family, I am talking about the families of all those who have to work in retail stores so they can deal with your belligerent ass. Yea, they're people too!

My job dictates that I spend a fair amount of time in such stores like Target, Walmart, Sears and Kmart among others. So go ahead and please offer the tired argument of “well, no one forces them to work at Walmart.” That's not true. I know many people have stereotyped the employees of WM as brain dead lazy slackers. And I will give you that, to some extent, can be true. But I've gotten to know some of “those people” and you know what? They're people. They have families and bills. Sure, a lot of them maybe don't want to work at WM. But that is the hand life has currently dealt them. So why do they work there? Do me a favor and next time you go to a WM, look around for any small businesses in the area. Odds are you are not going to find any. Wanna guess why? Yup, 'cause WallyWorld came in, undercut them and those small stores hadto close. You'd be surprised how many people at WM are overqualified, but they can't get a break in this economy.

Still, regardless of what you think (a phrase I find myself using a lot), most of those people have families. And those families might be a bit further away than over the river and through the woods. So, cause of their WM job, they stay home and miss out on family time. Some may not even have a Tgiving dinner on Tgiving because they have to go to work. To deal with hordes of bargain hunting, brain dead mouth breathers at 3 in the fucking morning.

Look, no one gets up at any point in the day and thinks, “Wow, I can't wait to go to work at Kmart.” Still, I am not so sure they still need to be deprived of a holiday just because of the almighty buck. And now because you mindless GD sheep will go traipsing out at 8PM on Tgiving night to buy shit, the powers that be will take this as license to keep these ridiculous hours in effects for years. Our only hope is that soon, the event that is BF will start like the Monday before. (Here's a hint, it already does. More on that later.)

Another thing that kills me if the people responsible for opening up Targets and WM are home, sleeping in their nice warm beds. Guarandamnteed. And I will grant you I am bitter because that is what happening to me, but it doesn't make the point any less valid, mofo.

And here's a quick question, what were the things you just HAD to rush out to buy last BF? Yea, I thought so.

My sanity is worth far more than saving a few scheckels on some electronic doodad that will be replaceable in 6 months. “Hey, look! There's shit I don't need! But it's so cheap! I have to buy 2 at those prices!” “Wow, that's a great price for that DVD set!” You know how many DVD sets I have (that I did ask for) that are still in the shrink wrap? Seasons of Simpsons and 24. And I love those shows. And I see them on the shelf every night. And yet I haven't watched them in years. But let's go rush out and buy more, because by golly, this is the year I watch them all! And people fighting over $2waffle irons? Really? Weren't we supposed to be so thankful like, 2 hours ago?

People have been camping outside Best Buys here since Tuesday? Really? Every time I see tents outside a store, I wonder WTF these people are up to. Is it REALLY that important to set a fucking tent up outside a Best Buy? Trust me the money you save is the respect you lose. “Hey, Mrs. Smith, I haven't seen Mr. Smith in a few days.” “Aw, you know, he's down camping at the Best Buy eating Hot Pockets over Sternos and pissing in Mountain Dew bottles.”

I hope they are at least able to use Best Buy's wifi to surf the net and get all that stuff cheaper, and likely with free shipping and no sales tax. I guess these people have never heard of Amazon or Google Goggles or eBay or RedLaser. Protip; many of the items can be found online at the same price or even cheaper! OMG! Another protip; many of those BF items are available all week at the same price, in store and/or online! A little homework can prevent frostbite.

The economics of BF never made sense to me. Sure, I'm no business major (and just what the hell is a business major anyway. You just show up to a office job, do it, and leave. You really need to “study” this for 4 fricking years?) but I just don't see how BF is any more profitable than any other day.

First off ,you have payroll. Many employees will be getting overtime for the week, and there will just be more employees working. Stores do have to train seasonal help as well. Stores have to hire extra security. Not to mention the extra utilities of power, light, ventilation. Sure, most stores will sell a shit-ton of goods, but at a far lower profit margin. Target makes a hell of a lot more on a TV at regular price than selling it for 5% above cost. (Yes, I know many manufacturers will also provide funding for placement, but I just can't see it being enough to offset.) Does the store make enough money in selling the goods sold by second tier companies (newsflash; it you buy a big screen HDTV or PC or tablet for like $20, you get what you pay for, shit head) with higher profit margin? Especially if they get returned? Ultimately you are selling a lot of goods, but at a reduced profit margin with higher payroll and utilities. I'm not good at math, but that doesn't quite add up. Not to mention I have heard BF is a big day for theft.

So I guess unfortunately, the clueless higher ups see just one big fat number and run with it. And because you dunderheads all will rush out at 8PM, you will only encourage this behavior in the future. Chains will now budget this number in their years and that will result in them having to do these ridiculously early openings all so you can get a shirt that will molt on the closet floor for $3. 'Murica.

So as you're rushing out to spend, spend, spend, please, I beg of you, show a little compassion. Be aware that employee at Sears has dealt with so many asshole customers in such a small span of time, he might be a little fried to deal with your bullshit. Don't go into Target at 4 looking for that door buster they had at 8. Be prepared to deal with people who are just as idiotic as you. They will be rude, ignorant, selfish, stupid and possibly drunk/high. Let's go back to the poor souls who actually have to work there. You think their day is done? No, it's far from over. Many will have worked either late Weds night or early Thurs morning (or a combination of both). They will come home, maybe have a quick Tgiving dinner, then head off to work for 10-12 hours. Then go home for a few hours of precious sleep, then another 10-12 hours on both Sat and Sun.

In Summation:

1. Don't go out shopping on Black Friday
   1. Spend the time with friends and family
   2. Many of the items you want can either be purchased ahead of time or found for an equal or lesser price online
   3. If you do go shopping, you best be getting shit for me
   4. If you do go shopping, you are only propagating the practice of stores opening earlier and earlier
   5. If you do go out shopping, please show a little respect, patience and courtesy to store employees