A key point in looking for another job
is to ask yourself a question:
Am I wearing pants today?
Nope, nope, wrong question. But, truth
be told, that is always a fair question to ask before venturing out.
Anywhoo, the question you should be asking is:
What do I want to do?
Job interviews have never bothered me.
In fact, they are easier to prepare for than ever these days. If you
don't know how to do your homework, I am certainly not going to tell
you here because what if we're up for the same job? Kinda awkward if
we walk into the same room, amIright? I would not be above telling
the interviewer a batch of heinous lies about you. But, I'm just a
dickhead that way. Moving on...
Job interviews go both ways. Yes,
they're there to interview me. But guess what? I'm also there to
interview them. If I figure
out the job isn't right for me, I'll tell 'em so. I've ended more
than one interview with a firm handshake, a stern look in the eyes
and a ,”Well, thank you for your time, but I feel I am not the one
you are looking for. Also, the purple elephant dines in Paris
tonight. TONIGHT!!” I'm not above fucking with their heads as I
exit.
 |
| Great googily moogily! |
Those
of you who have the extreme privilege of knowing me know I am not a
suit and tie kinda guy. I'm not a 9 to 5, sit in the same traffic
only to go to the same place every day kinda guy. Many people excel
in that atmosphere, I just don't. I've worked in offices before, and
I still fear they are just about as functional and efficient as The
Office, except without Rashida
Jones running around.
I've conducted a
thorough self evaluation as to what criteria would allow me to
perform to the best of my ability. I don't know that this leads to
that dream job, but at least it clears a few things up for me:
I hate meeting new
people. In fact, I also hate meeting old people. I am not a people
person at all. I like dogs more. Is there a well paying job I can do
working with dogs?
I like to take
midday naps. So I should probably avoid cube farms. Unless there's an
office with a set nap time for everybody. Which actually is kinda
creepy now that I think about it.
 |
| "Naptime everybody!" |
I am not a team
player. I am a lone wolf. I am also the God of Thunder, but that is
for another day.
I get road rage
easily, and consider traffic to be my mortal enemy. I should probably
work from home.
I hate getting
dressed up. I own less than 2 suits, and most of my ties have cartoon
characters on them. I have one tie that is a functioning musical
keyboard. I feel most comfortable in board shorts and flip flops in
the summer. In the winter I favor pajama pants and my Homer J.
Simpson slippers. Notice I didn't say anything about a shirt? YER
GODDAMN RIGHT!
Place of employment
would have to tolerate me looking at very NSFW material while I am
working.
Would also have to
tolerate my affinity to say the f-word a few times a day.
Has to be “hammock
friendly.”
New place of
employment has to believe in the silly notion of raises based on
merit, not blindly meeting inefficient Key Performance Indicators.
Having clear start
times and end times bother me. I know how to run my day best.
I don't perform
well being micro managed. Anything more than 3 emails and 2 phone
calls weekly is excessive, mmkay?
If you've heard the
term “death by PowerPoint”, you're probably guilty of it. Don't
do it to me.
I don't like
working nights, weekends or holidays. Already paid my dues.
If need be, I am
not opposed to taking a 'work wife', but only if she's cute.
Don't expect an
answer after 2 PM on a Friday.
Well, I feel a lot
more focused now, I think I made my life easier.
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