The Best Super Bowl 51 Jokes

Wait a minute, your night ain't over, Champ. Sure, The Big Game is over, but the jokes aren't. Instead of posting all these beauts on social media, and them getting lost, I put 'em all here! In one place! So grab that Gatorade. Since I believe your recollection of the game to be "foggy at best" after all those beers, wings, nachos, poppers and secret shots you swiped from your hosts' liquor cabinet. I even have these chronologically, so it's like watching the Game all over again with your funniest, sharpest, smartest friend!  And here we go!

"I got the 0 and 0 block in the pool! Woot woot!"

PREGAME

Y’all should be protesting Budwesier because it’s a shitty beer is all I’m sayin’.

That's actually going IN to his mouth.

Instead of plowing down nachos and wings at every commercial break, I’ll be doing 10 pushups and 10 burpees. (This is how #AlternateFacts works, right?)

At halftime, the Patriots are leading and somehow the Browns are losing.

Hate on Joe Buck all you want, he could be worse. He could say, “Any now let’s got to Tony Siragusa.

"They're really hitting hard down here, guys."

The conspiracy theorist in me suspects the Super Bowl is just a front for the chicken wing barons.

Hmm, Eli Manning is at the game. Tom Brady seem mumbling, "ohhh shittt" under his breath.

I wonder if Tom Brady wore his "recovery sleepwear" last night? A true steal at a hundred frigging dollars!?! I don't think I could sleep if I knew I blew a Franklin on a shirt that was supposed to help me sleep in the first place. And why in the blue hell would you want to sleep next to freaking Giselle Bundchen??

"You spent how much on what??"

I appreciate that Spike is countering the Super Bowl with an all night marathon of Cops, then Jail. They just might as well do live shows from Boston and Atlanta tonight.

I wish Ving Rhames would narrate a day at my job.

Let's take a live look into what Buffalo fans are doing...

Aw, snap! You crazy Buffalo kids never change.

I don't know who Luke Bryan is, but I'm gonna hazard a guess he is everything that is wrong with country music and that's the first time he's sung without wearing a nasty ass old ball cap.

Is there any big budget movie where the world DOESN'T get blown up?

George Bush flipping a coin to make a decision is probably not the first President to do so.

FIRST QUARTER

Seeing as how I won a Fantasy league this year, I can imagine what these guys are feeling right now.

I am pretty sure that fly by was taped earlier. How would you know? 

Natty Ice better have some back end deal with Matt Ryan if he wins.

Maybe if they put as much work into commercials the rest of the year, they would sell more products?

Pretty sure today is Day 3 of a four day weekend in Atlanta and Boston.

Anyone else believe Arnold Schwa...Swart....Arnold has never played Mobile Strike in his life?

That's Julian Edelman's wife. No joke here. That's his wife.

0-0 at the end of one. BORING! Is there a hockey game on? I am sure all the Canadian teams are playing against each other.

SECOND QUARTER

Justin Bieber and Terrel Owens should not be on the same commercial together. I would think there's some sort of rule about how much "suck" can be in one commercial.

Freeman is the first player to score a TD. His jersey number? 24. That's some shrewd cross promotion there, Fox.

How late am I staying up tonight?

That is not the first time a good strip had lead to a solid score, ifyaknowwhatImean.

This game has been so bad, I'm actually peeing when Brady has the ball.Thank god this Dorito bag is empty.

After three holding penalties in a row, they really just call the next 3rd down "third and a hold."

Atlanta runs back a pick 6. Brady seen throwing a flag he had hidden in his jersey, looking for another holding call.

Did I miss the memo that said, "No funny commercials" this year. WTF? I can't do all the heavy lifting here.

"My eyes are up here."

This is apparently Danny Amendola's girlfriend. No wonder he usually has good hands.

At the end of the half it's Atl 21 NE 3. I wonder if that's the same score at the White House.

At the half, somehow the Browns are losing, too.

HALFTIME

Read my Gaga review. I swear, I don't know with the kids and their music these days. I guess Whitesnake and Marilyn Manson are passe these days. And I would damn sure check the field. A certain team could hide certain items to adjust the pressure of certain things in a certain way. But I can't be certain.

THIRD QUARTER

Sexy Mr. Clean will haunt my dreams tonight. What happened to the sickeningly skinny girls eating the calorie bomb Carl's Jr burgers for some eye bleach?

That's what I'm talkin' about. Quick trivia about these commercials; apparently there are hamburgers in them! I will have to watch again.

Atlanta scores another 7. It's not 28-3. Boston is ready to burn, Fox is ready to start 24 early.

Somewhere in a Kansas City Cracker Barrel, Andy Reid is going, "I like Belichick's play calling here."

Speaking of, Eagles fans are so desperate for a championship, they are now claiming Matt Ryan since he was born near Philly. No, dipshits, that's not how it works.

It only takes 43 minutes for the Patriots to score. AAANNDDDD Gost misses the kick.

Suddenly, Ryan's helmet stops working, he's sacked on the very next play. Hmmm....

FOURTH QUARTER

This game is just not good. It's not exciting, it's quite boring and the commercials suck. I guess this is what it's like to watch the World Series.

Pretty sure it was Dan Quinn who out Belichicked Belichick by flying Eli in first class.

Eli Manning; New York Giants Walter Payton Man of The Year recipient.

Eli Manning: Atlanta Falcons Walton Payton Man of The Year recipient.

8:24 to go and Atlanta turns it over for the first time in the playoffs. Brady sacked on following play. Drunks in Boston and Atlanta start to brown back in now. Amendola scores, Pats direct snap the two point conversion. We have a game, world still hates Pats fans, sky is blue, water is wet.

If I'm Dan Quinn (the Atlanta coach, please tell me you know that by now), I'm telling Ryan (you know who he is, right?) audible "OMAHA!" every play. Even runs.

Here is where the game will be won. If Atlanta plays to win, they will win. If they play to not lose, they will lose.

3:30 to go, Pats with the ball, down by 8. 2 plays and no flags against the Falcons. Pats convert the following 3rd and 10. The amounts of people calling out of work in Atlanta and Boston sky rockets.

Edelman makes awesome catch to keep drive alive. Anti Pats fans-you know, like everybody- groans like they've been here before.

This-no

This- yes

A million times, yes. And, oh yea, Patriots score, blah blah blah. Tie ball game.

The Atl back up QB bears a more than passing resemblance to Eli Manning.

And this is the first OT Super Bowl game. I'm glad I don't have any money on this game. Because I lost it all on the Puppy Bowl.

The heartbreak one team will suffer will only be made worse by the inevitable, hilarious memes that will soon follow.