Happy Stone Cold Steve Austin Day!

(Glass shatters.)

Happy Stone Cold Steve Austin Day!

Look, with all the PCedness going on, isn’t it about time to give ol’ Stone Cold his own holiday?  Wait, what’s that? You don’t know who Steve Austin is? What, are you one of my zero female readers under the age of 25? Fine, let’s have a little history lesson here. No, not, like, real history, more like something a lot of people care about; wrestling.

Austin was a key figure in WWF’s “Attitude Era.” The “Attitude Era” is widely regarded as the last time WWE was any good. Mocking a "bible thumper" opponent, Austin famously coined the phrase ‘Austin 3:16 just said I just whipped your ass.” Austin was the central figure who became popular because he drank beer and hated his boss. Sound familiar? Stone Cold attracted millions of eye balls with his shenanigans against the owner of the WWF, the evil Mr. McMahon. Millions lived vicariously through Austin as he tormented his boss. Like his three ex-wives, we all have a little Stone Cold in us. Just a few of the things he did that we all wish we could do

Made Mr. McMahon pee his pants. (Mr. McMahon’s pants. Not Austins. That would actually be pretty ballsy if McMahon somehow managed to pee Austin’s pants.)

"Ugh, I should not have had those 2 cans of Monster before I came out here."

Poured cement into McMahon’s convertible.

Flipped off McMahon multiple times per show.

Drove a beer truck to the ring and hosed beer on the McMahon family.

Now, what I wanna know, is where are these mythological beer trucks that actually dispense beer via hose? Where does one get such a vehicle? Is it the same place Kurt Angle got the milk truck?

Of course, there was also the time he almost got shot by Brian Pillman, but that seems to be largely forgotten.

Also, he was the last real man to wear jorts. (Yea, I said it, Cena. Do your Five Moves of Doom on me because I do see you.)

And even if you are not too familiar with Austin, there are some pretty good memes that you can probably relate to.

The placement of 316 day is troubling as it is always the day before 317. That’s just the way the calendar works, son. But it is also a kick in the nuts, as this year, Steve Austin Day is Friday and St Pat’s Day is (all day) Saturday. One must gameplan wisely as to how many Steveweisers to have, and still be able to bring your A game for St Pat’s Saturday. For example, I planned ahead, and had my last drink at 11 AM in the bathroom at work, to give my liver some time to recoup and prepare for this weekend’s onslaught.

Just how am I gonna celebrate 316 Day today?

By stomping a mudhole in someone.

By repeatedly saying “What?” when someone is talking to me.

By finishing every phone call with, “And that’s the bottom line because I said so.”

By giving someone the Stone Cold Stunner after kicking them in the gut.

By pouring beer all over me as I stand on the corner desk in the office.

"Now where's that redhead from sales?"

By shoving Mike Tyson.

Find me some of those cans of Whoop Ass in aisle two.

By stunning the President of the United States of America.

Another little known fact about Steve Austin Day; it is said that at 3:16 AM and 3:16 PM spirit guides will be attempting to contact you. Sounds like bullshit, right? Well, some people actually believe this bullshit, so who am I to say?

And to be fair, if/when 316 Day becomes a recognized holiday, I am perfectly fine giving back another bobo holiday. There are already too many, anyway. Gimme 316 Day, and I'll return one of those useless holidays, like Arbor Day or Valentine's Day. Sounds fine ta me.

So pop open a couple of them Steveweisers and toast the ol' Texas Rattlersnake on his....no, OUR big day.

See y'all on 619 Day!