I get the idea for most of these Klogs while I am out walking the dog, believe it or not. For some reason, ideas hit me as I walk Bauer in his mission to poop on every lawn in a 20 block radius. I put the iPod on, leash up the iPup and out we go. As we walk, I find I get lots of ideas. Not only that, but also their general form, flow, jokes and the occasional ‘point of the whole thing’. Lately, as we go out we walk by lots of houses that have lights up. It’s kinda cool, as I’ve always been attracted to shiny objects. So tonight this just hit me. And even though I’d much rather be chilling out on the couch, catching up on my (non-porn) magazines and just generally chilling, I thought this just might be more important.
I had an epiphany while I was out walking. As a general practice, epiphanies don’t strike when you’re carrying around a bag of poop, but this time it did. I realized a few things of my hatred of this time of the year. Follow me here.
There actually are some parts of the Xmas season I do enjoy. I know that is a shock to many of you, but there are times when the ‘holidays’ are fun and good for you. But it is a bit of a mirage. I do enjoy the times I get to spend with my friends and family. I am still not a fan of the hustle and bustle, though. You know what I am talking about. As the concept of family changes to include more and more units of the family unit (with divorces, etc) there can be many places to go. My family unit is extremely lucky as we really don't have any of that business. We’ve all managed to stay married to the same people, which is a victory in itself sometimes. But as family units grow, with in-laws, kids, nieces, etc., there can be a strain on your time.
In years past, Xmas Eves have been a lot of hustle and bustle for us. It might mean hitting 3-4 houses to squeeze everyone in and honor every tradition. There’s been a few Xmas Eves where we haven’t gotten home before 3 AM. Sleep for a few hours, then lather, rinse, repeat on Xmas Day. But I have realized that the time you do get to spend can be pretty fun and special. It’s catching up with people you may only see during the holiday season. It might be opening presents with friends on Xmas Eve and rehashing old times. It might be getting embarrassingly drunk and acting like a total ass all Xmas Eve. Boy, there’s a lesson I learned the hard way.
The point of most of this time is generally just to have a good time and laugh as much as possible. At least that’s what I try to do. I’ve fought it over the years, but I think I have gotten better over the last few. The food also helps, too. What a great time to just fucking pig out. Cookies, chocolate, egg nog. My stomach takes a beating over the sudden and gluttonous consumption of junk during this week. Dinner can be awesome, as my sister gets this tender steak fillets and seafood mix. Yummy! I try to rationalize that I am eating good stuff, as I wash all that down with cookie dough cheesecake.
Houses look cool with lights up. I enjoy big, colored lights that blink. Me and Bauer will just walk up and down blocks based on how well lit up they are. Some people still have those old plastic figures that look 30 years old, but you don’t see too often these days. I am not a big fan of the continued Wal-Mart-ization of lawns, where every house has up the same 2 lawn ornaments and inflatables. I am not a big fan of inflatables in general. When they are not inflated, they look like shit on your lawn. Yea, it’s cool how some light up and move and all, but I am sure science can find better uses.
To a degree people seem to at least try to be in a better mood, although the stress can still get to them. Also key here is having a few days off. That plays into my theory big. Just to get those few free days off. Sure, there are deadlines of where to be on Xmas Eve, Xmas day, etc. But just to get the few odd days “off” where you can do what ever the fuck you want to are huge. Play with all your new toys, catch up on a book or spend time with friends. The ability to sleep late (if that is an option for you) is just so huge during these times. Going to bed late rocks, sleeping in late rocks. The goddamned dog waking me up at 5 (Am or PM) to pee does not rock.
It’s all a nice little trip away from reality. See friends and family, give and get cool gifts, have some ‘whatever’ time, it’s all just a healthy dose. It would seem. Until that one night. It may be a different night for different people, but regardless, it comes. It’s that night as things wind down, you feel something creeping in. It’s reality beckoning.
What a cold fucking slap in the face. Those brief, fleeting, vibrant few days are suddenly way back in the rear view mirror. Reality has come back, like it always does. And when you would describe this reality as ‘deadening” and “soul crushing”, this is devastating. Maybe you could make it if it was just “deadening” or “soul crushing”, but not both, mister.
And that’s why I hate this time of year. It’s just that sudden, and it’s all compartmentalized and gone. Back to the cruel, harsh world. Lights slowly come off the houses, although there’s always that one house in your neighborhood that never takes them down. Decorations return to their dingy boxes for another 11 month hibernation. It’s almost like it never happened at all, except for the ugly sweater from Aunt Phyllis.
I had an epiphany while I was out walking. As a general practice, epiphanies don’t strike when you’re carrying around a bag of poop, but this time it did. I realized a few things of my hatred of this time of the year. Follow me here.
There actually are some parts of the Xmas season I do enjoy. I know that is a shock to many of you, but there are times when the ‘holidays’ are fun and good for you. But it is a bit of a mirage. I do enjoy the times I get to spend with my friends and family. I am still not a fan of the hustle and bustle, though. You know what I am talking about. As the concept of family changes to include more and more units of the family unit (with divorces, etc) there can be many places to go. My family unit is extremely lucky as we really don't have any of that business. We’ve all managed to stay married to the same people, which is a victory in itself sometimes. But as family units grow, with in-laws, kids, nieces, etc., there can be a strain on your time.
In years past, Xmas Eves have been a lot of hustle and bustle for us. It might mean hitting 3-4 houses to squeeze everyone in and honor every tradition. There’s been a few Xmas Eves where we haven’t gotten home before 3 AM. Sleep for a few hours, then lather, rinse, repeat on Xmas Day. But I have realized that the time you do get to spend can be pretty fun and special. It’s catching up with people you may only see during the holiday season. It might be opening presents with friends on Xmas Eve and rehashing old times. It might be getting embarrassingly drunk and acting like a total ass all Xmas Eve. Boy, there’s a lesson I learned the hard way.
The point of most of this time is generally just to have a good time and laugh as much as possible. At least that’s what I try to do. I’ve fought it over the years, but I think I have gotten better over the last few. The food also helps, too. What a great time to just fucking pig out. Cookies, chocolate, egg nog. My stomach takes a beating over the sudden and gluttonous consumption of junk during this week. Dinner can be awesome, as my sister gets this tender steak fillets and seafood mix. Yummy! I try to rationalize that I am eating good stuff, as I wash all that down with cookie dough cheesecake.
Houses look cool with lights up. I enjoy big, colored lights that blink. Me and Bauer will just walk up and down blocks based on how well lit up they are. Some people still have those old plastic figures that look 30 years old, but you don’t see too often these days. I am not a big fan of the continued Wal-Mart-ization of lawns, where every house has up the same 2 lawn ornaments and inflatables. I am not a big fan of inflatables in general. When they are not inflated, they look like shit on your lawn. Yea, it’s cool how some light up and move and all, but I am sure science can find better uses.
To a degree people seem to at least try to be in a better mood, although the stress can still get to them. Also key here is having a few days off. That plays into my theory big. Just to get those few free days off. Sure, there are deadlines of where to be on Xmas Eve, Xmas day, etc. But just to get the few odd days “off” where you can do what ever the fuck you want to are huge. Play with all your new toys, catch up on a book or spend time with friends. The ability to sleep late (if that is an option for you) is just so huge during these times. Going to bed late rocks, sleeping in late rocks. The goddamned dog waking me up at 5 (Am or PM) to pee does not rock.
It’s all a nice little trip away from reality. See friends and family, give and get cool gifts, have some ‘whatever’ time, it’s all just a healthy dose. It would seem. Until that one night. It may be a different night for different people, but regardless, it comes. It’s that night as things wind down, you feel something creeping in. It’s reality beckoning.
What a cold fucking slap in the face. Those brief, fleeting, vibrant few days are suddenly way back in the rear view mirror. Reality has come back, like it always does. And when you would describe this reality as ‘deadening” and “soul crushing”, this is devastating. Maybe you could make it if it was just “deadening” or “soul crushing”, but not both, mister.
And that’s why I hate this time of year. It’s just that sudden
I blame TV for part of this. It seems every Xmas movie you see (especially if it’s on Lifetime. Not that I ever watch Lifetime, nor that Xmas movie with Nicole Eggert in it.) involves some sort of Xmas miracle. Whereby the main characters life is irrevocably changed for the better. I think we all secretly hope for that Xmas miracle to happen to us; that one thing that leads us to happiness, fulfillment, satisfactions or at least a fucking decent job. And it never quite happens that way, right? I hate when TV lies to me.
BAM! That first morning back. The mind played a dirty trick on us and erased all the BS we suffer through daily. But it’s there, lying in wait. Waiting for the right moment to slap you back to reality. Job (or lack thereof), money, economy, drama, deadlines, pressure, relationships and what you think is a squirrel trapped in your vents. BAM! Uppercut.
So yea, I hate that aspect of this time of year. All the decorations that were full price in the stores suddenly get marked down 75%, like they’re some cheap whore. Wait a minute, did I just compare Xmas decorations to whores? Well, there’s another literary goal accomplished. But I think you get my point.
I just have a hard time making the adjustment. Which is exactly what I will be doing tonight and tomorrow. No fun, no fun at all. I try not to end these Klogs on downers, so I will leave you with my favorite dirty joke.
How do you get a nun pregnant?
You fuck her.
Thank you and good night. Thanks for reading, and I hope your slide back into reality is a pleasurable one.
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