There are 2 kinds of people in this world. There are those who know what the term “mooseknuckle” refers to. And there are those who do not know what the term “mooseknuckle” refers to. What group do you belong to? I am firmly in the first group. Until recently, my wife was firmly in the 2nd group.
Ever since he was a pup, one of Bauer’s favorite treats is what I have been referring to-somewhat tongue in cheek, somewhat innocently, somewhat not so innocently-as mooseknuckle. In all reality, it appears to the joint end of a femur bone of something like a rhino or hippo. It’s the end of a bone that appears to go into the hip socket. It’s sawed of, and then I guess smoked with all kinds of bits of God knows what on it. I termed it mooseknuckle, because it really does look like the hoof of a moose.
In fact here are some pics of Bau working on a mooseknuckle.
Mooseknuckle became the default treat he would get whenever we would be away for a few days. T would cheerily say, “I’m off to PetSmart to pick up some mooseknuckle for Bauer.” It wouldn’t be uncommon for T to be on the phone, and the caller would ask how Bau is. “O, he’s fine, he’s just here munching on some mooseknuckle.”
In her class, she has a pet board, where all the kids can bring in pics of their pets. Of course, Bau is front & center. There are descriptions, too, and Bau’s proudly says “loves eating mooseknuckle”. I would see this when I would be in her class from time to time. When kids would ask what Bauer likes to do, T would say, “He loves playing with mooseknuckle.” She would even tell her parents about mooseknuckle, a bridge even I haven’t crossed yet with my folks.
Mooseknuckle, mooseknuckle, mooseknuckle.
So this is all well and good for four and a half fucking years. I would hold my sly smile in check every time she told the neighbors that Bauer was inside working on a mooseknuckle. Recently, T was on the phone with her best friend Andrea. And I am sure she said something to the effect of Bauer was chewing on mooseknuckle. Innocent enough comment that she has made hundreds of times before. Not too soon after that call, Andrea is talking with her boyfriend. In order to protect the moronically stupid, I will not use his real name, but instead refer to him as D. You know, D as in dickhead, dumbass, dunce, dork, dullard, and doofus. Now, I never actually met D, but he sounds like a cool dude. You would think he would know when to just play along. Yea, you would think….
Andrea and D also have a dog, Westie, I believe. And somehow in casual conversation, Andrea says something like maybe they should get a mooseknuckle for Westie. D looks at her funny. “Um, Sugar Lips,” he says, using his pet name for Andrea,”do you know what mooseknuckle is?” “Yea, it’s like a bone, but there’s stuff on it…” “Not really, there, Sugar Lips. How do I put this? Mooseknuckle is slang for, well, you know…stuff like camel toe, monkey chin…” “What the fuck are you talking about?” “Mooseknuckle is slang for pussy. You know, hair pie, vertical smile…”
D should have known better. He should have been my brother here, instead of totally ruining a brilliant 4 & half year running joke. But no, he rolls over on me. He shoulda kept his Goddamn piehole shut. He should have seen this was a masterful plan that had been going strong for over 4 years. He should have just politely nodded his head yes and let it go. But no, dipshit can’t do that. He lets the pussy out of the bag. Uh, cat, cat out of the bag.
T’s cellphone rings. It’s Andrea, clearly flustered that she had been hoodwinked all these years. “T, do you know what mooseknuckle really is?” “Yea, it’s like a bone but there’s stuff on it…” Ah, she’s so sweet and naïve. “No,” Andrea interrupts, continuing to piss in my Cheerios,” it’s slang for pussy.” Next thing I know T is right in front on me, still on her phone. “Hey, what does mooseknuckle really mean?”
Shit, busted. 4 & half years.
I try to hold back my sly smile. But I can’t. “O my God!” she continues, “You knew! You knew! And all this time I was calling it mooseknuckle! I even told the kids Bau eats mooseknuckle. I asked my parents to got one for him! O my God, you knew! You knew! I even have mooseknuckle written in my class!” I see behind her that Bau also has a sly smile on, and giving me a wink.
I scramble to rationalize amidst the crumbling debris of a 4 year masterplan. “What! No, honey. It’s called mooseknuckle because it looks like the hoof of a moose. I didn’t know.” I am not a good liar, and she knows it. Game over.
So, to be clear, here is what mooseknuckle looks like
Ever since he was a pup, one of Bauer’s favorite treats is what I have been referring to-somewhat tongue in cheek, somewhat innocently, somewhat not so innocently-as mooseknuckle. In all reality, it appears to the joint end of a femur bone of something like a rhino or hippo. It’s the end of a bone that appears to go into the hip socket. It’s sawed of, and then I guess smoked with all kinds of bits of God knows what on it. I termed it mooseknuckle, because it really does look like the hoof of a moose.
In fact here are some pics of Bau working on a mooseknuckle.
Mooseknuckle became the default treat he would get whenever we would be away for a few days. T would cheerily say, “I’m off to PetSmart to pick up some mooseknuckle for Bauer.” It wouldn’t be uncommon for T to be on the phone, and the caller would ask how Bau is. “O, he’s fine, he’s just here munching on some mooseknuckle.”
In her class, she has a pet board, where all the kids can bring in pics of their pets. Of course, Bau is front & center. There are descriptions, too, and Bau’s proudly says “loves eating mooseknuckle”. I would see this when I would be in her class from time to time. When kids would ask what Bauer likes to do, T would say, “He loves playing with mooseknuckle.” She would even tell her parents about mooseknuckle, a bridge even I haven’t crossed yet with my folks.
Mooseknuckle, mooseknuckle, mooseknuckle.
So this is all well and good for four and a half fucking years. I would hold my sly smile in check every time she told the neighbors that Bauer was inside working on a mooseknuckle. Recently, T was on the phone with her best friend Andrea. And I am sure she said something to the effect of Bauer was chewing on mooseknuckle. Innocent enough comment that she has made hundreds of times before. Not too soon after that call, Andrea is talking with her boyfriend. In order to protect the moronically stupid, I will not use his real name, but instead refer to him as D. You know, D as in dickhead, dumbass, dunce, dork, dullard, and doofus. Now, I never actually met D, but he sounds like a cool dude. You would think he would know when to just play along. Yea, you would think….
Andrea and D also have a dog, Westie, I believe. And somehow in casual conversation, Andrea says something like maybe they should get a mooseknuckle for Westie. D looks at her funny. “Um, Sugar Lips,” he says, using his pet name for Andrea,”do you know what mooseknuckle is?” “Yea, it’s like a bone, but there’s stuff on it…” “Not really, there, Sugar Lips. How do I put this? Mooseknuckle is slang for, well, you know…stuff like camel toe, monkey chin…” “What the fuck are you talking about?” “Mooseknuckle is slang for pussy. You know, hair pie, vertical smile…”
D should have known better. He should have been my brother here, instead of totally ruining a brilliant 4 & half year running joke. But no, he rolls over on me. He shoulda kept his Goddamn piehole shut. He should have seen this was a masterful plan that had been going strong for over 4 years. He should have just politely nodded his head yes and let it go. But no, dipshit can’t do that. He lets the pussy out of the bag. Uh, cat, cat out of the bag.
T’s cellphone rings. It’s Andrea, clearly flustered that she had been hoodwinked all these years. “T, do you know what mooseknuckle really is?” “Yea, it’s like a bone but there’s stuff on it…” Ah, she’s so sweet and naïve. “No,” Andrea interrupts, continuing to piss in my Cheerios,” it’s slang for pussy.” Next thing I know T is right in front on me, still on her phone. “Hey, what does mooseknuckle really mean?”
Shit, busted. 4 & half years.
I try to hold back my sly smile. But I can’t. “O my God!” she continues, “You knew! You knew! And all this time I was calling it mooseknuckle! I even told the kids Bau eats mooseknuckle. I asked my parents to got one for him! O my God, you knew! You knew! I even have mooseknuckle written in my class!” I see behind her that Bau also has a sly smile on, and giving me a wink.
I scramble to rationalize amidst the crumbling debris of a 4 year masterplan. “What! No, honey. It’s called mooseknuckle because it looks like the hoof of a moose. I didn’t know.” I am not a good liar, and she knows it. Game over.
So, to be clear, here is what mooseknuckle looks like
And here are visual examples of what the real mooseknuckle looks like
It’s always sad to lose a running joke like this. I will still call it mooseknuckle, though, and I am sure I will get yelled at every time I do. Now if you will excuse me, I have to send T out to pick up some fur burgers.
O, and you’re a douchebag, Deke.
2 comments:
OMFG, this was so hilarious. It's just so typical...how did she not know this??
If I had a dime for every time I've kept my big yap shut I'd run out and buy my dog a lifetime supply of mooseknuckle.
B-
(I'm tempted to take your gag and, in your honor, see how long I can run it here.)
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