Shoveling

When I was looking for a new house, I had a few, simple necessities. Must have central air. Check. Must have big enough yard for the dog. Check. Must have the least amount of space to shovel. Check. Must be next door to bikini-clad sorority house. Well…3 out of 4 ain’t bad.
I hate the cold. I don’t enjoy scraping, snow or ice. In fact, the only ice I enjoy is either in my drink or at the rink. While you might look out and enjoy your snow covered front lawn, I’m thinking, “Geez, I gotta shovel this thing out.”
There are two schools of thought when it comes to shoveling after a big storm. The first school says to shovel every few hours. Why shovel a heavy load, when you can break it down to smaller more manageable amounts? Then there is the second school that stays in the house and laughs at the first school. I am firmly in the second school. In fact, every season, I look forward to my neighbors who shovel 3-4 times during a storm. I just don’t see the sense in dressing up in multiple layers multiple times to shovel. Hot chocolate never tasted so good as when you’re drinking it watching your neighbors shovel mid-blizzard.
Here’s a tip to help you shovel just once. If the snow is too heavy, then shovel it in layers. You don’t need to move the whole thing at once, just take a layer, then another layer. That’s the easy way to do it. I think that’s how they do it in Alaska.
The night before a snow, I move my car into the driveway. That’s less of the driveway to shovel. Then I wake up, clean off the car, shovel around the car, move it, shovel the rest and I’m done. That is until the township sees fit to send their plow out, and it plows the driveway back in. It’s almost like they planned it that way…
Like I said, I looked for a house with no sidewalk. All I have to do is the driveway. Well, I also do the 8 feet between the driveway and my front porch. I do that because my mailman is pretty cool and I have a lot of magazine subscriptions. I also clear the path in the vain hope that the Publishers Clearing House people will one day show up. Which explains all those magazine subscriptions.
No one enjoys shoveling, but I at least try to have fun with it. I let the dog out, and we hang while I huff and puff. Dogs just love snow. If you ever wanna make your dog work, make a snowball, then throw it up in the air and tell him to get it. It plops down into the snow, and my dog will look hours for it. So when I shovel, I try to throw some in his general direction, and the poor guy is entertained. At least one of us is. Shoveling is hard work; they say it’s one of the best forms of exercise. Then how come there isn’t a “shoveling machine” at the gym? You know why? Because no one would want to use it.
It doesn’t help me that I am a tall guy, over 6 feet. While that means I may never get lost in a blizzard, it doesn’t mean I enjoy shoveling out of one, either. It’s just further down to bend, and heavier snow to throw. For some reason, I just can’t find a shovel that fits my height. They all seem to be more for Smurfs or Ewoks. It’s great how all the shovels nowadays are angled, or have funky handles. But I don’t need a shovel designed by Frank Lloyd Wright, how about one designed for someone over 5”9’?
You can say I should get a snowblower. And that is true, but the fact is by the time I drag the thing out, fill it with fuel and undoubtedly crank it 30 times to turn it over, I could have been done just by shoveling it. Besides, my pesky, elderly neighbors would expect me to do their houses, too.
Give me summer any day. Like I say, “No one ever got a stroke shoveling heat.”


DVD Bonus Material
Commentary
So persuant (look it up) to the Leap post on MySpace, is my second attempt for a contest on Helium. They just started a humor contest, and most of the topics seem to center around cold and winter. So I re-edited the old Snow Day entry. For a day it was #1, but now it rests at 4 of 8. Honestly, I read the rest of the articles, and, well, they suck. So they have another category for shoveling, and this is what I wrote. Again, I read the 3 other entries so far, and they suck even more. I think this is funny in a mainstream, "cutesy" kinda way. I could see the local columnist in the Penny Saver writing shit like this. Although I really do like the Publishers Clearing House jokes; kinda witty and a good recall joke. Not my favorite thing to write, but a fair attempt. Let's see how this one does.