Girl Scout Cookies

I got some disturbing news today. I heard a commercial declare that February is National Girl Scout Cookie Month.

Huh? Just when exactly did they successfully lobby Congress for this? When I was growing up, February was always Black History Month. I sure hope those damn Girl Scouts don’t cause a riot over this. I thought they were supposed to be helpful little things.

OK, so maybe you are not as disturbed as I over this news. This mean for the next month, where ever I go-grocery store, gas station, sperm bank, free clinic-those damn Scouts are going to be there. “Would you like to buy some Girl Scout cookies? Would you like to buy some Girl Scout cookies?” O puke.

Let’s just call this what it is-racketeering. These little snots are like the Mafia..um…I mean…of course….if such thing as a …Mafia actually existed. Which of course it doesn’t. That’s just in the movies. Anyway, this means a month of constantly being accosted. The rotary phone, the milkman and the plague have all made their exit, as they are unneeded these days. So why do GS cookies still linger on?

I mean, who came up with this marketing plan anyway? “OK, we’ll sell cookies to raise funds, that’s a great idea. Now where can we sell our cookies? I know! In front of grocery stores!” Huh? That makes no sense. Why would I want to buy GS cookies in front on a grocery store, when, for less money, I can actually go in to the grocery store and buy more cookies? And good ones too, like Double Stuf or Chips Ahoy. Say what you want about mass produced cookies, but Oreo and Chips Ahoy are cookie nirvana. Plus you get, like, 100 of them for roughly the same price. Hell, you can even get more Hydrox cookies for the same money.

Who amongst you has not settled down in front of the TV with a package of Oreos, just to wake up at 4 AM with the TV still on and find the Oreos all gone, the couch covered in Oreo residue and even mouth shaped pieces of the package missing? G’head, my hand is raised as well.

Wanna piss off a Girl Scout? (and who here really hasn’t had the desire?) Blow by them on the way into the grocery store. Buy a thing of Chips Ahoy. When you come out, loudly proclaim to them, “Why should I spend 3.50 for your crappy cookies, when I can spend 2.89 for 75 Chip Ahoy cookies?” Then laugh maniacally as open the bag right in front of them. “Yum,” as you cram your hole with delicious Chips Ahoy goodness. Hey, someone has to teach these girls about reality, it might as well be you. O sure, the moms will go on about how you “just scarred them for life”. But trust me, as these girls grow up, they will thank you for what they did. Then they will eat another sleeve of Double Stufs.

The commercial continues. “And as always, a box of GS cookies are $3.50. 3 fucking 50? Do you know how many cookies are in a typical GS box. I will tell you; it’s fucking 15. So that equals…(let’s see, 15 gazinta 3.50…) like 23 cents per cookie. In this economy? Are you kidding? For .23 the cookie should at least come with a slip of paper with a favorable fortune.

“Your purchase will help a young girl learn and grow,” the commercial continues. Huh? When I was young, you saw the occasional Scout picking up trash or helping an elderly lady across the street. Now think, when is the last time you saw a Scout do that? Or anything? There’s no community presence at all. I never see Girl Scouts raking my lawn, shoveling my driveway, spray painting my house number on the curb or even helping me stumble home from the strip club where all their mothers work. Don’t these girls get badges for knot-tying or old lady helpering? The only time I see the snots are when they are peddling their cookies. So where does all this dirty cookie money go? Is there some secret clubhouse where they hang out with all the new Barbie & Bratz toys they buy? I call for a quick and thorough investigation.

I always though the Scouts were breeding grounds for predators who weren’t religious. There is something way freaky about seeing a 40 year old Boy Scout in the 4th of July parade. Why would I want to give money to support something like that? I swear one year, one of those creepy old Boy Scouts had a badge for something called “The Ol’ Brown Eye”.

If I get one more dismissive look form one of those little whores when I tell them I am not buying any of their frigging cookies, I really might snap. “Listen, honey, I can’t afford the freakin’ 3.50 this year because I am UNEMPLOYED. My money has to go to other things, like the power company, the water company, the mortgage, car insurance. God forbid you are one day in my shoes. So take yer Goddamned box of cookies and shove them up your…”

Whoops! Let’s not go there.

And honestly, I do have another axe to grind here. Like 16-17 years ago, the Girl Scouts made awesome strawberry and cream cookies. I swear it, though no one seems to remember it. I even did a fairly lengthy internet search (5 minutes) and found only 2 mentions on a message board about them. Isn’t this the type if shit they invented the Internet for? But I know they did make them, and I gladly devoured the few boxes I was ever able to lay paws on. I see now they have introduced a new flavor called daisy go rounds, which sounds dangerously close to daisy chain if you ask me.

In the next few weeks, you will no doubt be pestered by a dozen or so folks who want you to buy a box of cookies from their daughter’s troop. It is kind of an awkward situation to say, “No, I have 7 boxes of shitty Samoas at home that I won’t eat.” No one likes to be constantly asked, and if the GS were really on the ball, they would present you with a small pin that says something to the effect of “No thanks. I already bought GS cookies this year. Now kindly leave me the fuck alone.” OK, so the GS would probably never put ‘fuck’ in any of their promotional material. But if they were slick, you’d have to buy like 3 boxes to get the pin. Now, that’s marketing.