Surely there must be something wrong with me. I am a grown, well mannered adult. I am sure one day I will hold a respectable and responsible job, when I fucking find one. I have never been arrested. I talk to most of my family. I am happily married; at least that’s what I think I am. But everyone is doing something that I refuse to. Just about everyone I know is on Facebook.
I don’t get the hubbub. I have a MySpace, and am perfectly content with that. O, how everyone I know goes on and on about Facebook. “I’m on it all the time.” “I’ve met so many old friends there.” Maybe it’s my decidedly old school thinking. Maybe it’s something new that I secretly fear. Or maybe it’s because I think everyone on there is a narcissist. Who am I to judge? I get emails all the time from people I barely know who invite me on. I think it’s about time to see what all this hullabaloo is all about.
I’m no fool though. I create a bogus account. No way I am giving myself up if I don’t like what I see. Here’s the first thing I don’t like about Facebook; you can’t see anyone’s page. There are many attention whores on MySpace who have their pages as public, so you can look at their blogs & pictures. You can get a general idea of what they are up to. You can see where they work, if they’re married, what they like to do, etc. It’s a great way to just kind of “drop in” and see what this person is doing, then scram with never revealing yourself. Thank God the internet has made stalking so much easier.
No such luck on FB. Every page is locked; you have to be their friend to have access. All you get is a picture, and sometimes a location. It seems to me, that just like in MySpace, all these pictures seem very deliberately posed & staged, but I will get to that later on. Yet, in many cases, you can see those person’s friends. Huh?
Here I am old school. Friend is a very serious, heavy word. I don’t really consider myself having very many friends. Yes, it is a small group, but I would almost be willing to die for any of my friends. Almost. So the fact that you can go to someone’s FB, or even MySpace for that matter, and see they have 300 friends is a turn off to me. It tells me this person has totally devalued the meaning of “friend”. Apparently, to these folks, someone who you’ve known all your life is in equal standing with someone you met at that kegger last week. That’s rude and disrespectful in my world.
I also think much of FB is lurid. I see just about every girl lists her maiden name as well as her married name(s). It’s almost like they think someone is out there, thinking of them, pining for them, searching for them. It’s a little bit high school for me. Yet, the coin has another side; it’s also a great way to track down girls as well. Ah, the net givith and taketh away. That’s why I am not on FB, nor use my real name on MS. I am not looking to be found. Honestly, I really don’t think there is anyone out there actively combing the Net to look for me. But I would be scared to find that out, though. There are very clearly a few people I hope never to hear from again. The fact that they could look me up on FB is a bit scary. I don’t want any of my stalker ex-girlfriends bothering me these days. Yes, Christina Applegate, I’m talking about you. (make ‘call me’ motion with hand.)
I don’t like the search engine. It needs to be expanded upon. The by name field needs to be filtered by city. And sure, options like by work and school are fair. But it could be more. Other search options should include; by name of bar, by name & place of party, train and of the catch all “that one time at…” I guess the appeal for me today will be high school. I hated my time at HS; and I have no contact with anyone from that era. You see, I believe in karma. We all know that friends will come and go over the years. There may be that one person that appears, and just as quickly fades for no reason. But I believe if you were really meant to be my friend, we would still be in touch today. Yes, I can look back and name 2 dozen people I wish I was still friendly with. There are a few people I wonder about quite often. But for whatever reason, we’re not in contact. Friendship goes 2 ways as well. And it just looks like maybe it was something that just runs its course. There have rarely been cases where someone has disappeared, then reappeared years down the road and assumed the same prominence.
High school seems to be the appropriate place to start, since I have no attachments there. This point is reaffirmed when I only barely recall 5 of the first 10 names. Lo and behold, here is a guy I was actually fairly tight with in grade school and high school, so let’s click on him. (Names will be changed to protect the guilty and the stupid.) First thing, Will, change your fucking picture. You look like a pedophile, which really wouldn’t surprise me. Hmm, a bunch of names that aren’t familiar, a girl I haven’t seen since 8th grade. Foggy HS memories start coming back. Names I haven’t thought of in 20 years. Hey, one of the smart girls turned out pretty cute, go figure. And that cute girl hit the wall, so sad. Man, this FB is all about busting illusions, huh?
It’s an odd collection, as I’m sure everyone’s is. I notice a lot of people either list where they now live, or who they work for. OK, that’s a big reason I won’t go on here. It’s hard to appear ‘successful’ when you’ve been out of work for 2 years. That is so not the image I would want to convey. Yea, this would have been cool 3 years ago when I was hob-nobbing with rockstars. That would have made all the girls jealous. Face it, if I got on there now & said I was unemployed, I am sure every one of those bitches would shake their head and go “yea, I thought so.”
How sweet, the HS sweethearts are still married and have 2 kids now. I am seeing a trend here that bothers me a bit that I will get to a bit later on. Ha, someone actually has their prom picture up, that’s funny. There’s the requisite burn out, pictured on the golf course. Damn, for sure, I thought that guy would end up huffing spray paint under the bridge. But, no, it appears even he can fucking find a job. WTF is wrong with me? Here is another one of the hot girls. It’s just Kay’s married name and a picture of her 2 kids. Seeing this makes me happy; it tells me she is now a fat cow. Ha, take that, Kay. As I scroll down, I see another disturbing trend that I will also touch on later.
Christ, there’s Pat! Pat was a tall, red haired geek. He was one of those guys a lot of people made fun of. And there he is, balding white hair, and with a girl, so good for him. O God, Ray. Ray was the nerdliest of the nerdliest. Yes, he was even worse than me. He always looked a bit odd. His hair always seemed wet. He was so bad, he used to be our bitch. My collective of nerds all sat at the same table for lunch. And we used to make him go and get out food. Then we’d fuck with him some more. We’d get him to get us fries, and when he came back we yelled at him because we wanted cheese fries, so Ray would have to go back up in line and exchange fries. I am not lying when I said we did this every fucking day. And Ray was also the kid who played with himself during religion class. No lie. We would watch him as his hand disappeared into his pocket. It looked like there was a small animal trapped in there, he was so active. Wait a minute, this is also the kid that handled our lunches? Uh, excuse me a minute as I go puke a bit. Unfortunately (or maybe fortunately), he chose not to post his picture.
Here’s another one of the girls I recall as cute, and it looks like she held up quite well. I guess there is some justice in the world. Shit, there is Steve. I hung out a lot with Steve in grade school. When we got to high school, he started showing some burn out tendencies. So it is no surprise his pic is him playing guitar in Mobile, Al. Nice arm tattoo, he is just the way I thought he would be.
So this brief jaunt down memory lane will now serve as the basis for the rest of my FB thoughts. Everyone is on here looking to get fucked. Everyone on here is a narcissist. Everyone on here is a poser. Let’s look at some of the trends I’ve uncovered.
Trend #1 the default pictures. There seem to be a few variations here. Some people show their wedding picture. By & by, this is OK. It satisfies two curiosities; 1) what you look like these days and 2) who you be fucking. I notice another trend, which I will term “look how well I am doing”. (and, yes, this is a bit tenuous since I am out of work, but, hey, write your own thing) Here is so and so on the boat. Really? OK, maybe it’s just my fragile state of mind, but it seems a tad too much. There is another trend of golf of all things. I don’t get golf, but I guess a lot of other guys do, as quite a few ex-classmates have their pic playing golf. Even the burnout has his picture on the golf course. Shit, I always thought he’d be on grass, but not that kind. Another one which I hate is pics with kids. Either you with your sperm donation or just the kids themselves. No one wants to see that. For example, there’s Jeff, another one of the more popular and handsome kids back then. His pic is him holding his kid. Now it’s not bad enough Jeff has a bunch of white in his hair, but holding a child makes him look like he’s pushing 50.
Seeing all this aging going on makes me feel pretty damn good. Why, you ask? Look, you know I have very little vanity or ego about my appearance. It’s not common or in vogue to be honest. I hope I don’t come off as having an ego here, but I will say it anyway. I look far better than most of the guys in my class today. Honest to God, no BS. I really think I have turned out far better than any of those ballsacks. Some have lost their hair, while I still have most of mine, and it’s still generally shoulder length.
A few months back, I ran into a girl I went to HS with. And she did not recognize me. This is really one of the biggest compliments any of those nerds could pay me. Yes, my hair is ‘long’, and I am trying my best to cultivate a true Grizzly Adams goatee these days. It is a fact I am in far better shape today then I was 20 years ago. In fact, I would make a fair wager to say I have a far better body than anyone on the football team. (Big whoop, I know that amounts to nothing in real life, but just lemme get my jollies here, OK?) I am really half tempted to get one of those infamous MySpace “angle” type pictures, and put it on their to boggle their little minds. I am sure I would win ‘best transformation from nerd to axe murderer’ at the reunion this year.
Default pictures can also be at the beach. My favorite ones are where it’s just the person all dolled up. You know they are available and trolling for action.
Yea, I think a lot of these photos cry “look at me!” Every picture tells a story, but the lack of a picture also tells a story. It tells everyone else you look horrible and hideous. I see some heifers in Will’s friends pictures, but at least they are who they are. But what’s the point of not putting your picture up? There is a fair deal of vanity to these things, definitely. So why not go all the way and commit? It only allows for rampant and probably incorrect speculation. (You have been reading this article, right?) This also applies if you have a picture of your pet.
I am always a bit jealous when I see some nerd I went to HS with ended up moving somewhere exotic. Like, you know, anywhere but here. I am sure it’s no where near as glamorous as I am envisioning, but that’s always been a hang up with me. And I see some people list their company name as well. OK, that makes me jealous, too.
Which brings me to Trend #2, which I find equally if not more so disturbing. No one had this many fucking friends. I am sorry, but I call shenanigans. No one has over 100 friends. It stops becoming about ‘friends’, and more about making people think you have that many friends. Seriously, no one falls for it. It becomes a cock-off to make sure you have more ‘friends’ than any one else. I make this decision based on Will. As I scrolled through his friends, I see many ‘friends’ he never even spoke to in HS. Now, all of a sudden, they’re friends? Bullshit, no they are not. It’s like baseball cards; you want more than anyone else. You want the ‘complete set’, even though that is an impossibility. You add that guy who vomited on your good shoes because you think it’s ‘funny’ you tell your friends. But it’s just another sign of your vanity and insecurity.
I’ve heard stories of people becoming addicted to FB; they’re on it all the time. Even though I have a lot of time on my hands, I think I check MS every few days. I know you can change your moods or something on there. Look, my life ain’t that interesting that I constantly have to update it every 10 seconds. I am sure a general statement of “I’m still fucking unemployed” will cover me for a period of time. I have heard stories of people updating it through out the day. “I am at work” “I am tired” “I am hungover” “I am 15 seconds older then when I was on here last”
All in all, it was a nice little trip down memory lane. It’s a mild temptation at best, but not enough for me to get on it. Yea, it’s a bit intriguing, and maybe if I was at a different point in life it would make sense. It would be flattering to have someone ‘find’ me, but everyone I know who wants to find me knows where I am. And that is good enough for me.
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