Suffering for Art

In my quest to be a real ‘writer’ (stop your snickering), I’ve become aware I should expand my horizons. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’m not going to stray too far from fart jokes and stuff, but maybe tackle some new challenges. It seems most writers suffer for their art. So why should I be any different? Sometimes great things come from pain. And, today, for you, brave reader, I am willing to suffer.

So there I am in Sam’s Club a few weeks back. I know, I know, evil empire and all, but I am out of work and that’s a damn good price for 8 pounds of chicken breast. I like to expand my food/drink horizons from time to time; try something new or I’ve never had before. You have to understand, as much as I write about how much I drink, I am really quite boring. The fact is I drink far more milk, water, green/black tea than anything else. Occasionally I step out and treat myself to Propel. And I’ve gotten into some funky juices now. Who ever thought blueberry and pomegranate juice wouldn’t taste like yak barf? I was looking for something new, and it came down to something called Fruit 20 or Talking Rain. I had never seen this Talking Rain stuff before. It’s one of those trendy drinks that brags about being organic and shit. OK, I’m game.

I come home, chill it, and proudly boast how on point I am. This stuff will be good for me, and no doubt increase my vitality, health and over all damn good looks. I drink the first one and-

BLAH! This shit tastes like fucking Alka Seltzer. Holy shit, how did this happen. After further review, this swill turns out to be ‘sparkling artesian spring water’. It comes in funky flavors like pomegranate & lime? I guess pomegranate is the new ‘it’ fruit. The label might as well say gravel and iodine. This shit is horrid. I have clearly made a gross error. I couldn’t even finish the 17 ounce bottle. Yea, that’s right, 17 ounces, 1 extra ounce of crap than usual bottles. I promptly try to forget I have a case of this shit now.

Flash forward a few weeks. I am a bit stalled for something creative to write about. Then it hits me. I can Klog about trying to finish one bottle of this stuff, how long it will take me and my thoughts. I will stretch my writing wings (and learn to fly again learn to live so free…). Suffering and misery could work for me.

So here we are. It’s just about 9:30 AM. I have already performed many household duties; wash, make the bed, do the dishes, and now is about the time I fucking bang my head against the wall as I search for decent job opps online. It is a meager existence to be sure. And I will document, real time, the progress of me trying to drink this shit. Yes, great writers write about their drug habits, I will try to sound manly drinking ‘sparkling water’. Hey, ya gotta start somewhere, and I can’t afford cocaine right now.

9:30 AM Taking the cap off now, here we go.

9:31 Ready to give up. I don’t even know why they say this has a flavor, I can only taste what I can only describe as “general yuckiness”

9:51 Jesus Christ, this sucks. Right now, how many other losers are there wearing Homer Simpson slippers cruising Monster, CareerBuilder, etc looking for a job? Ugh, how hopeless. Here’s what I’ve learned spending this much time online; there are apparently 3000 girls right here in my town that would fuck me, but no job that belies my degree and 8 years in sales and marketing. But I think this is the week I score an interview. Wanna know why? Because last night at hockey I got a black eye. I put my stick in front of this guy with a notorious slap shot. And I watch the ball leave his stick, bounce off of my blade and shoot right up to my eye. This morning, there isn’t much swelling, but I am sporting a nice shade of blood red from the side of my eye half way across. It looks like I put eye liner on, then stopped half way. Sigh, this dose of reality sucks, almost as much as this pomegranate and lime shit. I take another small sip, but I am clearly not winning.

10:05 Well, one good thing about this stuff, it makes me belch. The scary part is my burps actually have more taste going out.

10:57 Who am I kidding here? Why do I get so into an idea, and then just give up? Kinda like New Years’ Eve. At about 1 AM I decided I would try to stay up for 24 hours. Don’t ask me where I got that idea; probably the same place I got this one. Come the 23rd hour, I thought “what the fuck is the point” and went to bed. I am not giving up on this, it’s just a small break. That shit don’t taste any better at room temp, so I put it back in the fridge and will get after it in a bit.

1:04 There is nothing more depressing than trying to find a job. For the last few hours, it’s been the same Goddamn thing. Let’s see, I interviewed with them a year ago, sent them a resume more than a year ago, that one is the same company I interviewed with last year but with a new name. I think it’s dawning on me the best I can do is apparently assistant manager at Mr. Muffler. I wouldn’t even be Mr. Muffler, I would have to be Mr. Muffler Jr. Or Mr. Muffler the 2nd. After a maddening waste of time, I look forward to taking Bau for a walk. Today it was snowing big, fluffy flakes. And as we were walking, we could hear church bells ringing off in the distance. Kinda cool in a serene way. I really think Bauer is the only one rooting against me landing a job. Most afternoons, I will take the PC downstairs, just so I can hang with him a bit. Anyway, I’m eating lunch now, and totally wussed out about drinking more of that Talking Rain shit. I wonder how they come up with the fruit combinations. Just who is responsible for aligning pomegranate with lemon? Wouldn’t lemon and lime make more sense? How about strawberry & banana. I will finish my lunch, then drink some more. Man, suffering for art sucks.

2:06 Seriously, is this swill they feed to like hogs and sheep(s)? I can’t imagine anyone actually thirsting for this. “Hey, honey thanks for cutting the lawn in the 105 degree heat. Can I get you something to drink? How about a nice, cold pomegranate & lemon sparking water?” People can’t drink this on its own, no way. They have to mix it with something. What the hell, do you add like 5 teaspoons of sugar? Real fruit? What the hell do you…..o….o no….no…..no. Please don’t tell me I really came up with this idea. No. Fuck. I did. It’s there now. Shit, really? It can’t be any good, can it? Fuck. Fuck, I wonder what it tastes like….with coconut rum. Really? Dayload on a fucking Tuesday afternoon? Talk about stereotypical out of work loser. But it would be strictly in the name of science. Or literature. Fuck, if I do it, it is really opening up Pandora’s Box.

2:12 Pandora’s Box is opened. There is no turning back. I don’t know what this will taste like. At least with Coke, you can get a good idea of the mix by the color. And the Coke is just for coloring, BTW. But when you mix 2 clear liquids, you just never know. O well, cheers, and down the hatch.

2:13 First thoughts. Not enough rum. There is still an Alka Seltzer like, bitter taste right at the top. Not as chalky as just the plain sparkling water though. But since rum is involved, I owe it to follow it out.

2:16 Ok, this is odd. The more I sip-and make no mistake, this is something you can’t take a full swig of-the less and less grotesque it is. Which was exactly my angle with the chicks in high school. Actually, mixing this concoction reminds me of a story from when I was a kid. It was one of the rare weekends when my parents left me alone. I had to be like 14-15 and dumb as shit (Yea, funny how not much has changed). I had to take advantage. They had a small collection of liquor bottles. I knew if I took a lot from just one, they would notice. So my brilliant idea was to take just a little bit from ALL of them. I didn’t care about what mixed with what, it all went together. So in one big jug I mixed amaretto, vodkas, whiskeys, rums, etc. I then took my jug o’ happiness and met up with a friend so we could drink. Only, after I opened it up, I discovered that many strange and foreign reactions had taken place. The best way I can describe it is to say if looked like moose yack. Not that I’ve even seen moose vomit, but I imagine it to be fairly similar. Something congealed, and it looked like oats in larvae. But, fuck, I couldn’t waste it. So I summoned all the Irish in me to take a good, long swig. Now, I don’t remember waking up in the hospital 4 days later. ..just kidding. I realized I had just wasted the whole damn thing. It was undrinkable.

2:39 The slush is now becoming a bit sugary. I realize that the coconut taste is masked by the pomo-lime connection. And maybe some Coke would make things go a bit smoother. Hey, I never said I would drink the sparkling water straight, did I? No, I’m allowed to mix. There’s still a lot of the sparkling water left, though. I was hoping to knock it out in one more drink. What to do, what to do?

3:10 OK, the Coke def helps. Now there’s a bit of an unpleasant aftertaste, but over all, it’s far better than just the sparkling water.

4:30 Uh Oh, wife just pulled up, and I am surely buzzing. Shit, way to be the stereotype, dufus. She comes in. “Hey! Have you been drinking?” “Wha..wait…what honey? And I musht shay you look shimply rafhishing.” “Goddamn it, I am out earning money and you’re drinking? What the fuck? And hey! Is that an empty box of bon bons on the floor?” “Wha..wait…where? Aw shift. Umm…uh…Goddamn it Bauer! Bhad dhog! You are a vewy bahd dog.” “Uh, dipshit,” she replies,” dogs can’t eat chocolate, it makes them sick.” “Well,” dipshit answers, “that would explain the human size dump under the dining room table. Anh bfy the way, youuuu lhook shimply rashivishing.” Shit, no response. Have to go to back up plan. I roll on the floor, “Ow! My eye! My eye!”

7AM Next day. Shit, it’s Wednesday? What the hell happened to Tuesday? In conclusion, I was able to finish the bottle, but not on its’ own.

I hope you enjoyed my suffering, you sick bastards.