New Wallet

I had to do something this week that I don’t often do. In fact, I can’t remember the last time I did it. And, NO, it’s not getting a fucking job. I had to buy a new wallet.

Which is odd, since I don’t have any money.

But it was time. Time to retire the Playboy logo emblazoned Velcro wallet that held my life the last 23 years. OK, that’s a joke. But I did have a Velcro Playboy wallet in high school. Because, Lord knows, the young 10th grade girls get really turned on when a potential suitor pulls out the ol’ Playboy wallet to pay to get in to the dance. Really, how did the girls stay away from me? Seriously, what girl is gonna get impressed by that. Anywhoo, back to current day. It was clearly time to retire my wallet. I don’t know how long I had it, but it perfectly molded to the shape of my right butt cheek. I am not looking forward to breaking a new one in. But at least I sit on my ass all day, so I got that going for me.

The little slots that hold credit cards, etc were ripping. It’s a sign you need a new wallet when your ATM card somehow escapes your wallet and you find it on the driveway. The part that held my few scant dollar bills had a hole in the bottom, so I really wasn’t spending all my money on cheap hooch at the liquor store.

My wallet had been bursting from me being a pack rat. Cripes, I have tons of cards and whatnot in here. So let’s perform an ‘xperiment. Let’s just see how much shit I have crammed in here. We’ve established there’s no cash. But in the cash section is one of those key chain size card things for CVS. Boy, these things fucking piss me off. Why do we need shopper cards? Why do I have to have a card to save 30 cents on a bottle of shampoo? Why can’t they just give it to me? Why do I have to join their little club? And it almost never fails, when I do have to go to CVS to buy something, and I don’t have one of their special cards, they always have one to scan right there at the register. So, again, I ask the faceless cyber world, what’s the point? And it turns out I have more such cards.

Turns out I have one to Acme. As much as I slam fucking CVS, they don’t bust nuts when it comes to having their card. Acme does. I usually go to Acme when I go to the liquor store, which is right in the same shopping center. And there have been times I’ve picked up bottles of Coke (and magazines with Christina on the cover) and they refuse to let me use the store card to save 4 cents off both bottles. Bastards! Well, I’ll show them now. I also have one to a local indy pet store. I wrote about them in a previous post, but I haven’t been able to return. I think it says something that I don’t have the regular card size card; no, these are the things that go on your keychain. I just don’t know what it says. Let’s keep going.

Look, a frequent buyer card to the Subway right up the street. I know it’s cool to slam Subway now, but I like them. It’s great tailgate food. Plus, they don’t have that gay oven that Quizzno’s has. Hmm, a Staples card that I haven’t used in like 2 years. In front of that is a PetSmart card. My Blockbuster card, are they still around? Library card. Ha, NERD! My card to Sam’s Club. Yea, I know, evil empire and all, but I am poor and like to eat 5 pounds of ground turkey. AAA card that I hope I never have to use. Insurance card, OK, I guess that can stay. My ATM card and Discover card round out the cards that make the migration to the new wallet. So let’s see what doesn’t make the cut.

AMEX card and MasterCard. Shit, how many of these do I need? I have accumulated a bunch of business cards. One to Primo Hoagies. Really, WTF do I need this for? I know where they are located. Trash. A card from a manager of my favorite band; yea, I’ll hold onto that one for now. A card from a landscaper that I might use when I actually get a job and save some money. A made up biz card from one of the douches in my fantasy league. Humorous, but 86ed nonetheless. Lowe’s card; yea, don’t need to be carrying that around. Biz card to my mechanic, maybe it’s bad luck that I carry it around, so into the trash it goes. Ticket stub to a show 2 years ago. Biz card from a music exec that never lead me to a job. Two guest passes to my gym when it went by another name. My old WEA card, along with a WEA card that breaks down tips to 18%. I will keep this, because I suck at math, and I never know how much to tip at Baja Fresh. OK, I have thinned out the riff raff. That was actually the easy part. The hard part is finding a wallet I like.

I don’t consider myself a particular kind of guy. I am not too picky. But I do get hung up on small things. Take sunglasses, for instance. I like mirrors. I feel it gives me some sort of edge. I like that I can see people’s eyes, but they can’t see mine. They think I am paying rapt attention to them, when I am really rolling my eyes in disgust and utter boredom. Plus, I like that I can look at anyone, and they won’t know it. Mirror shades are required for any and all trips to the beach. And I also like for the glasses to be one piece and wrap all the way around my eyes. This is to prevent eye cancer. And also to check out all the chicks. But mostly the uh…what did I say…yea, the cancer thing. So, yea, this is kind of 80s I guess, but I like it, and it’s one of the few things I can still pull off. Plus, such shades look really boss with my Dokken ’88 shirt. You can see, it takes me some time to find a pair I like that meets all the requirements.

Wallets are kind of the same thing. I don’t like tri-fold; bi-fold is the way to go. You can ask me why. (G’head, ask me, I’ll wait.) It’s just the way I like it. I am not one of those guys that has to chain it to their pants, either. Just a simple wallet, how hard can it be? Actually, easier than I thought. One trip to Target, and I actually find one I like.

Now comes the breaking in process. For a while, my ass will look odd; well, odder than it usually does. This new wallet even has one of those little plastic things that holds photos. Does any guy even use these picture things anymore? I don’t; no pics of the wife, dog, nuttin’. It will only take up the valuable space that otherwise goes to frequent shopper cards I scarcely use.

So if I have done one thing right this week (and that may very well have been all I’ve done right this week), let it be this. I feel more organized. I feel more ready to meet the challenge of the world. I feel….feel….poor. But with a newer wallet.