I am not a runner. I find it boring, physically awkward and sometimes gassy. I got these bitchin’ new running shoes with bouncy things at the bottom. I am sure they make me run faster, or at the very least, a little bit higher. I made sure to pack them for the big week at Ocean City, MD. Please note, that for the rest of these Klogs, Ocean City, MD will be shortened to the far easier to type OCMD. Please don’t confuse it with OCNJ. We were able to spend a week there last year. It’s a nice place, nice beaches and boardwalk and all. But it’s dry. And that immediately disqualifies any seaside town from being a place I want to frequent. It’s much harder to pee on the corners when one is sober.
I have found running on the boardwalk at the beach to be a surprisingly serene thing to do. In fact, I already wrote about it at length, so feel free to familiarize yourself with it here:
http://kevolutiontheory.blogspot.com/2008/06/vacation-2007.html
Just read the 5th through 9th paragraphs, and ignore all the rest. It’s all jokes I will probably repeat here, so cut me some slack.
For not being a runner, there is something rather cool about loading your iPod with all kinds of summer tunes and shreddin’ surf instrumentals and running by the seaside. I ran the boards the first opp I had; Monday morning. And I will admit, I get a perverse amount of pleasure running the boards knowing other saps are actually working. Stupid gainfully employed suckers.
It’s insanely hot. It’s so hot, if I was back home, my ass would be in the AC. But since we’re at the beach, it doesn’t bother me at all. I spray on suntan lotion until there is an unpenetrable cloud surrounding me. Grab a bottle of Powerade, and go out in the sun. I interval up the few blocks to get to the boardwalk. And finally, I see my old friend, the sea. It’s good to be back. There is a new strength in my spindly legs as I start intervalling.
Since my last time here, there has been a new monstrosity recklessly corralling about the bwalk. I don’t actually know what these bikes are called, but they look like this:
Maybe they are called reclined bikes? Spider bikes? Crab bikes? I really think they are called ‘drive like a motard bike’. I saw dozens of these damn things all over the bwalk. And it didn’t matter if it was an 8 year old child or 40 something old man driving, they all drove it the same way. Like fucking assholes.
Now I admit to never having been in one of these things. And I guess that’s a requisite of renting these things. I can just see every out-of-town-yokel renting them, “Yea, well me and my family ain’t ever seen one of dese here bicycles with the tree wheels and so low to da ground. What’s dat? Do we know how to drive them? Son, I’m fixin’ to terrorize dis here boardwalk with dese here things. Give my family four, chief.” I am not sure of the steering mechanism on these things, but from what I can tell, it only makes turns one way; sweeping.
I found most of my time playing some sort of demented game of Frogger. Except in Frogger you avoided the empty spaces. Now I am trying to weave through all the empty spaces, and these new bikes at knee height aren’t helping. I swear, every freaking one doesn’t drive straight. They weave in and out, clogging up precious space. No lie, I ran right up to one. I was looking to politely run to the side and get in front of Mr. Asshole because he was slow. Every time I ran to the right, he swerved to the right. When I dodged to the left, he glided to the left. WTF, these things have rear view mirrors or something? I slowed down as I proceeded to watch him careen into his daughter.
He bounces off of her (she was fat), and right back into my way. I can hear his wife now yelling at him to get out of my way. Man, if I ever wanted to get diarrhea while running, now would be the time. He’s at the perfect level for a splat.
I get that the bwalk has to be shared by everyone using it. I try to be conscientious-even if I can’t spell the word-and check behind me as I try to dodge the slacker walkers. I know a majority on the boards are just walking. But do they still have to fan out? And what’s up with the yahoos that just fucking stop right in the middle of the damn bwalk? I try to obey the unwritten rule about staying to the right, but sometimes I have to jet all the way over to the left just to get by the human barricades. I know that sets me up for a heinous and gnarly accident and injury that will surely be caught on the boards’ webcams, and be the hot viral video of the first half of the week. I am surprised there aren’t more virals of bwalk accidents. I am sure they would be hilarious.
All in all, I went for 3 runs and 2 walks (i.e. was too hungover to run 2 days), pretty good for me. And even though the time varied around generally mid-morning, it was funny to see the same people running/walking. There’s always the shirtless ripped dude who runs up and down the bwalk at breakneck speed. Just one for one of those spider bike thingies to jut out and send him sprawling on his ass. Serves you right Mr. Younger and in better shape than me.
I saw the same red faced girl huffing and puffing up and back. I saw the same groups of walkers. The only two mullets of the week I saw in the morning, and I saw those guys repeatedly. The same employees working the same shops. See the same couples running. I saw the same old man ‘running’. I mean, mechanically, he was running and all, but he was going so slow. A bit of a bummer to think that will one day be all of us. But still, gotta admire the guy, out there huffing and puffing. I am sure when I get to be his age, it will be everything just not to make in my pants. It was here I also saw the baddest ass tattoo of all time. It was on a guy with long raggy black hair, his pasty white skin already had multiple illustrations. On his shoulder was a picture of the face of a woman. With a ballgag. Badass. Cripes, how do you explain that one to your dates’ mom?
All in all, these runs were among the highlights of the week. It was cool to add new memories to the summer songs in my iPod. So calming and peaceful. On the trips back down the bwalk, I would cop a squat on a bench and just look out at the ocean. One day I managed to camp myself out in front of a bikini volley ball game. What are the odds of that happening? But still, just for the sun to be shining, time have no meaning, worries all back in PA and staring at the ocean is time I will hold onto. I came back to the house calm and relaxed. And reeking of BO and sunscreen as well. I can still see the beach now….
I have found running on the boardwalk at the beach to be a surprisingly serene thing to do. In fact, I already wrote about it at length, so feel free to familiarize yourself with it here:
http://kevolutiontheory.blogspot.com/2008/06/vacation-2007.html
Just read the 5th through 9th paragraphs, and ignore all the rest. It’s all jokes I will probably repeat here, so cut me some slack.
For not being a runner, there is something rather cool about loading your iPod with all kinds of summer tunes and shreddin’ surf instrumentals and running by the seaside. I ran the boards the first opp I had; Monday morning. And I will admit, I get a perverse amount of pleasure running the boards knowing other saps are actually working. Stupid gainfully employed suckers.
It’s insanely hot. It’s so hot, if I was back home, my ass would be in the AC. But since we’re at the beach, it doesn’t bother me at all. I spray on suntan lotion until there is an unpenetrable cloud surrounding me. Grab a bottle of Powerade, and go out in the sun. I interval up the few blocks to get to the boardwalk. And finally, I see my old friend, the sea. It’s good to be back. There is a new strength in my spindly legs as I start intervalling.
Since my last time here, there has been a new monstrosity recklessly corralling about the bwalk. I don’t actually know what these bikes are called, but they look like this:
Maybe they are called reclined bikes? Spider bikes? Crab bikes? I really think they are called ‘drive like a motard bike’. I saw dozens of these damn things all over the bwalk. And it didn’t matter if it was an 8 year old child or 40 something old man driving, they all drove it the same way. Like fucking assholes.
Now I admit to never having been in one of these things. And I guess that’s a requisite of renting these things. I can just see every out-of-town-yokel renting them, “Yea, well me and my family ain’t ever seen one of dese here bicycles with the tree wheels and so low to da ground. What’s dat? Do we know how to drive them? Son, I’m fixin’ to terrorize dis here boardwalk with dese here things. Give my family four, chief.” I am not sure of the steering mechanism on these things, but from what I can tell, it only makes turns one way; sweeping.
I found most of my time playing some sort of demented game of Frogger. Except in Frogger you avoided the empty spaces. Now I am trying to weave through all the empty spaces, and these new bikes at knee height aren’t helping. I swear, every freaking one doesn’t drive straight. They weave in and out, clogging up precious space. No lie, I ran right up to one. I was looking to politely run to the side and get in front of Mr. Asshole because he was slow. Every time I ran to the right, he swerved to the right. When I dodged to the left, he glided to the left. WTF, these things have rear view mirrors or something? I slowed down as I proceeded to watch him careen into his daughter.
He bounces off of her (she was fat), and right back into my way. I can hear his wife now yelling at him to get out of my way. Man, if I ever wanted to get diarrhea while running, now would be the time. He’s at the perfect level for a splat.
I get that the bwalk has to be shared by everyone using it. I try to be conscientious-even if I can’t spell the word-and check behind me as I try to dodge the slacker walkers. I know a majority on the boards are just walking. But do they still have to fan out? And what’s up with the yahoos that just fucking stop right in the middle of the damn bwalk? I try to obey the unwritten rule about staying to the right, but sometimes I have to jet all the way over to the left just to get by the human barricades. I know that sets me up for a heinous and gnarly accident and injury that will surely be caught on the boards’ webcams, and be the hot viral video of the first half of the week. I am surprised there aren’t more virals of bwalk accidents. I am sure they would be hilarious.
All in all, I went for 3 runs and 2 walks (i.e. was too hungover to run 2 days), pretty good for me. And even though the time varied around generally mid-morning, it was funny to see the same people running/walking. There’s always the shirtless ripped dude who runs up and down the bwalk at breakneck speed. Just one for one of those spider bike thingies to jut out and send him sprawling on his ass. Serves you right Mr. Younger and in better shape than me.
I saw the same red faced girl huffing and puffing up and back. I saw the same groups of walkers. The only two mullets of the week I saw in the morning, and I saw those guys repeatedly. The same employees working the same shops. See the same couples running. I saw the same old man ‘running’. I mean, mechanically, he was running and all, but he was going so slow. A bit of a bummer to think that will one day be all of us. But still, gotta admire the guy, out there huffing and puffing. I am sure when I get to be his age, it will be everything just not to make in my pants. It was here I also saw the baddest ass tattoo of all time. It was on a guy with long raggy black hair, his pasty white skin already had multiple illustrations. On his shoulder was a picture of the face of a woman. With a ballgag. Badass. Cripes, how do you explain that one to your dates’ mom?
All in all, these runs were among the highlights of the week. It was cool to add new memories to the summer songs in my iPod. So calming and peaceful. On the trips back down the bwalk, I would cop a squat on a bench and just look out at the ocean. One day I managed to camp myself out in front of a bikini volley ball game. What are the odds of that happening? But still, just for the sun to be shining, time have no meaning, worries all back in PA and staring at the ocean is time I will hold onto. I came back to the house calm and relaxed. And reeking of BO and sunscreen as well. I can still see the beach now….
No comments:
Post a Comment