iSland

I know we live in a modern age. It seems everyone just can’t survive without some technological doo dad that supposedly makes life easier and far more worth living. Kind of ironic that I get to this Klog days after the announcement of the iPad. We live in the age of i-everything; iPods, iPhones, iPads, etc. Recently, I have discovered a new i to add to the list. I proudly announce to you the Kevolution Theory iSland.

For the last 9 days, we have been disconnected. Seems this here PC caught a virus that surprisingly wasn’t from any number of questionable sites I frequent. I discovered this last Monday morning, and spent most of the day trying to track down the offending virus. This also entailed running a scan that goes on for hours. Being a guy and all, I seem to think this is something I should easily be able to fix. Turns out I was wrong. I thought the scan caught and corrected the offending bug, but I was wrong. I apparently did the cyber equivalent of poking it with a stick and insulting its parentage. Because after yet another reboot, there was even more shit missing. Damn. I try to fix it but clearly, I am beat.

Fortunately, I know a ‘computer guy’ who can unfuck our PC, it will just take him a week or so to do it. That’s a fair trade over those jackals at Geek Squad. Although I can’t decide if I feel better or worse actually knowing the person who will be nosing around my PC. I drop the PC off, and, we are thrust onto the iSland. We will have no real connection to the outside world for days. Someone really should invent some device you can just talk to somebody on. That would come in handy.

I can hear the nerds of you out there asking, “Well, why can’t you just go online from your phone? And why am I talking to myself?” The answer is that I am in the minority that doesn’t own an iPhone. I have learned that simply rubber banding my phone to my iPod does not grant it iPod like powers.

The first few days are actually not bad, kind of enjoyable. Sure, there are key times when we miss the easy access to info that we need; what the weather is going to be like, how do I get this poison out of my system, etc. Actually, we do other things. Things like talking. I know, I know, a man and his wife talking, sounds funny, right? And we eat together, too. We actually cook the meals. Fuck, it’s like we’re the Waltons.

I actually did something I’ve never, ever done. I read an entire book-a real book, too, not one with pictures, mazes or the usual Choose Your Own Adventure books that always finds me slayed at the hands of the dragon-200 or so pages in less than a day. OK, so insomnia was a big part of that, but it still counts. I highly recommend From Baghdad With Love.

Of course, I come up with a hundred good ideas for Klogs that will surely lead me to fame and fortune. Alas, most of those have been lost to the sands of time and massive amounts of cheap hooch. I learn that all the usual sites I go to for a laugh will still be there. Yes, people will still dress strangely at Walmart, and there will be another dozen funny dog videos, but ya know what? They’ll all still be there.

I go for a few days before feeling the need to check my email. I finally go to my parents to check. As I try to open attachments, I realize I can’t because my parents are still running Windows 63. So now I will have to go across town to my sister’s to look at attachments. OK, now this is getting to be a hassle. I manage to resist opening “those” emails from a few guys who always send me stuff that makes me smile.

You know what else I discover? I have a fucking life outside of Facebook. OK, barely a life outside of FB, but I really don’t miss it. I don’t miss the typical “nothing is new” or “what I did today” updates. Really, unless you figured out how to slay that dragon, no one fucking cares. I don’t miss the near constant updates asking ME to change MY status; even for just an hour. How about……no. Maybe it’s fun to be in some coterie (look it up) that loves posting cryptic updates. I think we were all enthralled with the girls posting their underwear color. Or how they are wearing their hair. Really fascinating stuff. I don’t miss the requests to change my status to have friends post shit about me. You know the ones; where you met me, how would you describe me, blah blah blah. One thing I have learned is that apparently no one cares about me to ask why I haven’t updated in 10 damn days. And I refuse to change my status to highlight some cause, ‘even if just for an hour’. News flash; nothing ever changes. You might as well be signing your name to any number of petition emails going around. “What’s that? 4000 nerds all signed an email about ? Well, shit, boys, let’s get on this.”

On a somewhat related note, I also don’t miss the alarmist and often untrue emails I get from certain people. You know the emails about Target hating the Veterans, etc. I mean, check Snopes before sending untrue shit out. I used to send them the link in private, but if they insist in continually sending those damn emails, I am going to CC everyone on the email. And, GD if Fred Hadayia didn’t email me again.

I got used to living Amish. I really didn’t miss the Net as much as I thought I would. It gave me more time to read, hang out with the dog, etc. Now that I have it back, it’s a rush to catch up and do a few more things to clean it and improve the speed. And catching up on Walmart pictures and dogs doing cute stuff.

I rather enjoyed my time on the iSland. You should go sometime.