Resolutions I Am Planning To Break in 2017

(OK, OK so it's already January 2nd, and I am just now getting to a resolutions post? Well, sometimes that's how the cookie crumbles. And if's it's anything like the multitude of Xmas cookies I have been housing, this post will be delicious! Honestly, this was mostly written and in the can a few days before NYE. But I didn't think it was good enough. And then NYE happened, and, well, we all know how that goes. Now that I have fully slept off my hangover, I slapped a fresh coat of paint on, and we're ready to go.)

The obligatory New Years’ 2017 resolutions post. Did you guys even notice I had TWO posts for your Xmas reading pleasure? What better way to get you into the spirit than by hearing some original Xmas tunes and some cool covers? And how many presents did it get me? ZILCH. I think for Xmas next year, I’m going to ask for grateful readers, you heartless goblins. Now a week later, we’re all looking down the barrel of 2017. Everyone’s busy making New Years’ resolutions. In fact, as of this writing, if you Google ‘best 2017 resolutions’, you will only have about 181,000,000 articles that match up. Well, I guess make that 181,000,001. Pour the coffee.

Here’s the thing. I don’t believe in New Years resolutions. I tried to make some last year (and it’s a good thing I reread this, as I was unconsciously using some of the same jokes.) And I’ve pointed out the uselessness of making NY resolutions all together. But yet, like sheep, we continue this inane practice. “Next year, I’m gonna be perfect, GD it!” As my personal friends know, I’m as close to perfect as one can get. But there’s all kinds of news stories and articles and blog posts about making resolutions. We never seem to learn. The resolutions generally never seem to change, and we generally find new ways to tell ourselves we suck. Yay traditions!

I’m sure as this year winds down and celebrities are desperately hiding from the Reaper for the next few days, most of you are busily scribbling down resolutions for yourselves. So I guess to feel at one with the humanoids, I will also try to come up with some of mine. The thought here being that my resolutions are probably far better and more creative than your stupid efforts to “finally run a 5K” or “bring reusable bags to the Piggly Wiggly."

Here are my best resolutions for 2017. And since my main source of income these days is to rescue recyclables from the trash and trade them in for money on scratch off tickets, I am also handicapping the likelihood of my resolutions actually working out on a scale of 1 to 10. If you don’t understand that, then you are also probably reading fake news sites.

Be More Timely With Posts. I know, I know, it's already January 2nd. I'll get better. For example, I am already halfway through my President's Day post.

Chance 7/10

Actually Get A Dollar for Writing This year I thought I had a real gig that would pay me real money. Like, maybe even enough to afford one imported beer at non Happy Hour prices. Newsflash; writers get paid shit, even less so to write on line. I’m going to try to learn about this whole SEO thing, and how to get eyeballs on my own blog, and attempt to write a bit more snarky current event things. I truly do enjoy writing, but the return on investment can suck balls.

Here’s what writing is like. Spend a few hours (and usually more writing, rewriting, editing, adding and captioning pics) when I could be doing other things. Post it, link to it from FB and Twitter, maybe get 40 reads. Barely a comment, barely a like. Yet I will run into people IRL who tell me how much they enjoy my stuff. Why do people throw encouragement around like it a manhole cover?

Yet some dipshit posts yet another lame car selfie, and it gets 80 likes in half a minute. Yup, that nonsense really inspires me. 

"I'mma just gonna take one quick selfie because my hair looks fresh going 60 MPH."

Chance of making even one dollar writing in 2017 1/10

Finally Shred Down to 6 pack abs

Chance 0/10 Next!

Down Six Packs

Chance 149/10

Achieve Enlightenment

Chance 0/10. Put the pipe down, Kev.

Manage to Hurt Myself Less 2016 was a great year for bleeding and bulging discs.

Chance 8/10

Read More Books Since losing my last job, I have had more time to get back to reading. And I’ve been really enjoying it. I find (if the book is good enough) reading can help level me out on a particularly stressful day. It can also serve to inspire me to write. I find myself picking apart the book, trying to figure out the inspiration for a story, or how the author set something up. Also, I heard reading books makes you more smarter.

Chance 7/10

Listen to My Inner Voice

Inner voice” You know what, Kev, you’re pretty awesome as you are.”

Me “You know what? You’re right! Let’s go get pizza.”

Inner voice “Yay pizza!’

Chance 6/10

Realize There's More Than One Voice In My Head Who just said that!?

Chance 8/10

Put the Damn Phone Down I’ll be the first to admit, I’ve been living on my phone too much. Lately, I’ve gotten better at keeping the phone far away, and just trying to be present in the moment; playing with the dog, reading, writing, watching TV. Man, it really pisses me off whenever I watch a hockey game and I see the fans sitting front row, right behind the glass, right behind the team. And they’re all staring at their phones. Life is what happens when you are not staring at your phone, people.

Chance 7/10

Millennials being millennials. 

Avoid Becoming a Celebrity After 2016, really, who dafuq wants to be famous? A list actors, talented musicians, z list reality stars, no one was safe. So unless Drunk Kev gets spotted in a video that goes viral, I’m feeling pretty good about not getting famous in 2017.

Chance 10/10

Only Acknowledge 2017 as 20Kevinteen Admit, that’s kinda catchy, right? Don’t be jealous your name can’t do that, let me have my moment. Or more specifically, my year.

Chance 3/10

Volunteer More I’m talking about doing something nice for the sake of it. I would like to believe that at least Karma exists, that if you put good out, good comes back to you. And even if it doesn’t come back to you, do good anyway. (And no, I’m not gonna get all hippy trippy on you. What you do with your Chakras and chupacabras is up to you.) Volunteering is ridiculously easy to do. Get your head out of your ass, you selfish son of a bitch. There are plenty of people (and animals) who need you.

Chance 7/10

In the time it would take you to walk this dog, I could totally ruin Sarah McLachlan's day.

I'm sure there's more. But I am pretty hellatight. So if I had to say, I would say these are my resolutions for 2017. Feel free to swipe a few for yourself. The world needs more people like me anyway.