Bikers

(Originally written 3/16/8)

Long time readers in retail land will remember a feature I used to run called Rockstars Who Piss Me Off. Every month I would rage on about some pompous, self righteous, hypocritic asshole who really fired me up. Even though I am no longer in that scene, the assholes, they still abound. Today, I would like to talk about bikers. No, not the big, burly, long haired, tattooed hog riding guys that I can’t beat up. I am talking about the sissy helmet wearing, spandex sporting douchebags riding glorified 10 speeds. The bikers I most likely can beat up. Those bikers are starting to piss me the hell off.

As the weather slowly turns nicer, I’ve been seeing more and more of these cretins out in my road. Let’s go over a few elementary rules here, kids. First of all, your Huffy does not belong out in the same road as my KevAmPire (again, longtime readers know that is the name for my car). They make special places for your bikes. Those places are called sidewalks. That word again, in case you missed it the first time is sidewalks. It seems your kind has taken to the road; the side of the road, the middle of the road. You do not belong here. Look at the physics. Me; 1500 pounds of quick moving steel. You; brightly dressed piece of potential roadkill.

You belong on the sidewalks for your own safety, and my sanity. Yes, sidewalks have the dips and rises for driveways. Sidewalks have uneven concrete. Sidewalks have hazards like trees, dogs, people, signs, etc. But you know what? If you wanna dress like Lance Armstrong, then you should be able to navigate through all that stuff. What’s more manually stimulating? Biking on the side of a heavily travelled road or biking on the sidewalk. Of course, the obvious answer is sidewalk. Pedestrians are much more easy to navigate around than a Ford or Nissan.

What’s that? You don’t want to bike on the sidewalk? What, are you training for the Tour de France? Fer Chrissakes, fine. Do your brakes whine as much as you? Anyway, most parks have designated bikeways. No cars to deal with. Some are on gravel, some are on cement, go there. Go there now.

You can even go to business campuses and complexes after hours. You have tons of space. You and all your little buddies can get one of them there convoys things going on. I am sure that would look very cool. Really, this is not sprocket science. Why the law requires you to wear a helmet on top of your already solid head is just beyond me.

You want another reason the driving public wants you off the roads? Fine, we have a question; why dafuck do you still use those antiquated hand signals to signal a turn? I think we all remember those public service announcements we saw on the UHF channels as a kid. It featured a guy on a bike who displayed the proper hand signals to denote a right or left turn. I vaguely remember them, but I think one was an arm straight up, the other one was the arm extended out at a 90 degree angle from the body. Right here, this was confusing. A better idea would have been this; to signal a left hand turn, extend your left arm and point to the left. To signal a right hand turn, extend your right arm and point to the right. Simple enough, right? Today, I saw some douchebag biker cut across from the shoulder, go between 2 cars, and get to the yellow line in the middle of the road. From there, he extended his left arm down low, and pointed off-angle to the left. What the fuck is that? Is that the cool way to turn left now? Is it the “shh, keep it on the downlow, yo” signal he’s going left?

Here’s a better idea. Stay on the shoulder. Wait for all the cars to pass, look both ways, then cross the street, retard. Do you walk across the street in such a fashion as above? No. So why the hell would you do that on a bike? Would you stand between 2 lanes of opposing traffic to walk across the street? Of course not.

Now before any of you bikers out there get your fanny packs in a bunch, I know what your argument will be. You’re ‘saving the environment’, you’re ‘green’ and ‘eco-friendly’. Here’s my reply.

Shut the fuck up, you dirty hippie. I don’t wanna hear it. You wanna know the truth? My car generates money for the government. I pay for gas, oil, repairs, tires, etc. I have to register it every year, renew my plate every year and get an even worse picture on my license every few years. I pay taxes to the government for all of this. Once you buy your bike, and maybe some pretty helmets and clothes, you don’t pay shit. And that’s why the government won’t help you. When they do help you, they give you tracks that are out of the way. Go there. I don’t take my car there, so don’t put your bike on my road.